Saturday, July 29, 2006

FF4: Worst in the Series

There are a handful of games I'm pissed at the fact that much of it was spent playing something so awful. As a result, I'm going to waste a bit more of it by venting my frustration upon the one or two readers of this blog, so, if you're looking for something funny to read in this post, you won't find it; which basically means that it will be no different from all my other posts.

Back in January, I played through GBA's FF1&2: Dawn of Souls, and I loved every minute of FF2's compelling tale. I had already played FF1 on my NES, but the extras it provided weren't bad either. Anyway, I normally wait for a significant price drop to occur before I purchase a game, but my love for Dawn of Souls was what prompted me to quickly obtain a copy of GBA's remake of FF4.


I'm an idiot.

FF4's plot is full of garbage many of us have seen countless times before, but that wasn't enough. It felt like the developers were merely throwing things into the story to add shock value. Every bump in the road resulted in a character trying to sacrifice his/herself for the rest of the party. Imagine yourself standing next to a grenade that was about to explode, and everyone around you began arguing over who was going to have the honor of laying on top of it. Much to my disappointment, only one succeeded in killing himself. The rest of them were miraculously saved and nursed back to health just in time for a big, dramatic reunion battle near the end of the game. Even better, it included an uninspiring final boss who overpowers everybody except the main character, who walks up to him in defiance, and ultimately defeats the seemingly-unstoppable demon thanks to the prayers of those still on Earth, which somehow reached your party and completely healed them. Oh, how fortuitous! Also, (I'm guessing as an apology) finishing the game unlocks a bonus dungeon on the moon wherein the characters can face off against their deepest fears. I was hoping to meet Yoda at the entrance, but with no such luck, I was, instead, greeted by an ominous voice who warned me of the dangers of blah, blah, blah. Of course, to face them, each character HAD to have been in the final battle, and the game forbids you to play without the main character, soooo... *takes in a deep breath* in order to open all the trials, you need to beat the final boss, at least, THREE TIMES; watching the same long, stupid ending, at least, THREE TIMES; and having to go through many of the same areas within the unlocked dungeon between each trial, at least, THREE F***ING TIMES, for a grand total of... *counts on fingers* 9 more reasons to hate this game! Just think of all the random battling you get to do because of that backtracking.


There's even a gold chest within the dungeon that causes the game to freeze if you open it from the front, so wait a second. First, we have the original FF4. Then, there's the remake included within Final Fantasy Chronicles in 1997, the remake for the WonderSwan Color in 2002, and now, three years later, the GBA remake, which STILL has glitches in it! How many more times must this game be released before someone at Square finally decides to fix it?

The main story took a little over 15 hours to run through, and then I reached the moon. At this point, the monsters suddenly grew strong enough to kill each of my characters with only one or two hits. One moment, my party is slaughtering creatures without any effort, the next, I'm struggling to reach the Lunar Whale before I run out of potions and phoenix tails. It was another 15 hours of mindless grinding before I could move about freely on the moon.


For storage space, you must rely upon a monsterously obese chocobo who will hold on to your equipment by eating it. If you think that sounds absurb, there's more. To call upon this great forest fattie, you must first walk up to a square plot of land where your character will somehow sense the presence of this bird blob. After that, all you have to do is wave some food in the air, and POOF! the enormous emu appears right in front of you, willing to inhale any sort of trinket that may prove useful in the future. Retrieve at your own risk!

Next, there's Rydia, the cutesy, green-haired girl who is the only summoner within the game. Big f***ing deal! Her summon spells are only weaker versions of various attack spells. Rydia also has a very poor physical attack, and her ability to absorb punishment (even during short battles) is non-existent.

Her background is equally bad. At one point, the girl goes missing, only to reappear later in the game as some sort of 8-bit sex symbol, fully grown, because time moves much faster in the "place" she was hiding out at. Well, that makes total sense to me, but even as an adult, she still sucks at everything, and her new summons are just as pathetic as her old ones, with the added annoyance of having to look for them before you can utilize their power.


Another problem I have is with the game's most powerful attack spell, Meteor. With it, your character can deal 9,999 damage in a single blow (provided that your mage can hurry up and channel the attack before one of the monsters knocks him out). After completing the main story, the twin spellcasters can actually obtain items that will allow them to use an even more power attack called the "Double Meteor", which requires both of them to channel the spell for several turns, but it will all be worth it when you finally unleash that massive 9,999 damage... just like the original Meteor spell!

Ok, there's one last gripe, and this time it's about Cid. Cid seems like a neat character (minus that nasty smile of his), but his unqiue ability to study a creature's stats is a lot like many of those status-changing spells (silence, toad, pig, mini... WHY?!), in that it won't work when you need it to. Bosses, of course, are immune to it, as well as many of the stronger monsters you will face later in the story. Other than that, all Cid can do is hit things. He has no magical skills, nor can he perform any other abilities like Hide, Prayer, or Cover. Much like Slippy Toad in Star Fox 64, Cid is worthless as a fighter, and he could have been just as effective as one of those non-playable characters who help move the story along.

At the 1Up message boards, one of the more common things to read about from FF fans is how the series was at its best with the first six games, but how can any of them say this without making a special exception to FF4? Fanboy or not, you'd have to pretty dense to not see this game for the turd that it truly is.