Saturday, October 18, 2014

From the people who brought you Living Peninsula comes... something else.

I'm excited, and do you care to know why? (of course you don't) Because it's that time again for delicious candy corn, fun decorations, colorful costumes, and all sorts of scary stuff!
Like jump scares! ...lazy, fucking jump scares.
This year, I decided to celebrate in a different manner by skipping AMC's empty shell of a Monsterfest and indulge in a few video games of the Horror genre. Not surprisingly, I chose the wrong one to start with.

Back in 2006, I thought it would be appropriate to spend my week-long vacation on the tropical island of Banoi, because that's what antisocial people who work minimum wage jobs do with their free time. After two glasses of local tap water, I was carried back to my room covered in shit and vomit. When I awoke the next morning, I discovered it was now late 2011, and many of the other visitors had been afflicted with a severe case of pink eye and chicken pox. There was also a lot of blood and flesh splattered about, but I just assumed it was due to a sloppy mass murderer. The job was clearly half-assed. Look at all of them still up and moving around!
What sort of a murderer misses all the vital points?
It's a good thing I slept through this mess. With my eyes closed, I was completely immune to the disease. Also, most of my body was hidden under a blanket, so the murderer probably thought I was nothing more than a severed head and moved on to the next room.

Feeling lucky, I strolled out into the hallway only to notice the money in my wallet had been swiped. Probably stolen by the guy who carried me back to my room five years ago. Now covered in the stench of poverty, and five-year-old poop stains, I attempted to secretly flee the hotel only to be tackled by one of the staff members. Fearing I'd "drown" of debt from that point on, I was swiftly rescued by Sinamoi, a lifeguard and Tyson tattoo enthusiast. He then bit my ear. From here on out, I spent several weeks (93 hours) trekking back and forth through the Capital Wasteland of Banoi as a lolicon-hating bodyguard and former officer of the Australian law. I died repeatedly.

While I admit "nice tits" was a strong determining factor, my character choice was also based upon a more respectable excuse. Purna's specialty is firearms, so I figured she would be the best choice for a zombie game. Makes sense, doesn't it? DOESN'T IT?! Not in this game, and especially not in Act I. Also, it turns out I chose the damned supportive character. I should have assumed this when I saw her Diablo talent tree handing out Paladin auras to teammates. As if I needed to further prove to my blog reader(s) of how clueless I am, I also never noticed the fourth choice, Sam B., on the character screen. I saw him for the first time during a cut scene. How? Because, at those moments, I am accompanied by the other three. Makes total sense. Then, they up and vanish once shit hits the fan again. Granted, I had no intention of playing this with others, but it's a little odd to find a Horror game where I am encouraged to bring friends.

Surviving an onslaught of respawning Infected isn't all that different from basic questing on an MMORPG, especially when obtainable loot includes weapons of all rarities and thousands of dollars. Thousands of dollars! I really want to know who the hell these people are to be carrying that sort of cash into the slums of Moresby, the middle of the jungle, and cell block C? 
I get it, because he went directly to jail. That still doesn't explain the other two spots.
Nearly all the gameplay factors relating to a Horror title are non-existent here. What exactly is suppose to be scary if I'm not alone, resources are plentiful, the flashlight is never needed, and all the zombies look like the end results of second-rate make-up artists? They're pretty easy to avoid, too.
It doesn't take much to distract them. Sometimes, their kids even do it for you.
The attempts at jump scaring here are obvious. While it is possible to draw attention through gunfire and meat bait, this special bunch will stand still, facing a nearby wall (Blair Witch style!). Approaching them will result in a quick time event to separate yourself from their grasp. Also, though not a jump scare, many of the Infected will lie on the floor in different positions only to pick themselves up when a hero approaches. The first time this really got me was when I tried to walk past a bunch of them and found myself surrounded. I wasn't scared, but I definitely knew I was fucked. Kick everyone you come across, just in case, or lop off their noggins. I usually do that for fun. 

Considering the amount of time I put into this game, it's kind of a letdown to see such a poor variety of enemies: Slow zombies, fast zombies, big zombies, bomb zombies, bloated father zombies, brawler zombies, tank zombies, and gun-wielding hostiles. In the expansion, players are treated to zombies who can scream, throw, drown, and smash, along with stronger boss-like variations of each. The original provides a single boss in the end, and that half-wit is only slightly more effective than Bioshock's Fontaine, unless you score a critical hit with a modified weapon, that is. Bait + bombs, knock down + head stomp, developer modified weapons... if you're lucky, you can actually finish this fight in a ridiculously short amount of time. It's not even a stretch to say the fight can end in mere seconds, provided the player is swift enough to capitalize on that brief moment of vulnerability. I got him once, but was immediately tackled by a flaming Infected who then proceeded to insult my shoes and call me fat. More distracting was Kyary Pamyu Pamyu's PonPonPon playing during the entire fight. White and I share the same awful taste in music. Who knew?

Zombified chidrens and aminaminals are both mentioned, but neither are seen within the game. Children I can understand about. Animals though? while questing through a jungle? Come on, Techland! I wanted to meet the undead orangutan!

There's all sorts of gore (and a disturbing lack of manbearpig) to be witnessed, if that sort of thing frightens/satisfies you. 
Plenty of this.
It helps to create an appropriate atmosphere for the game, but, periodically, I find spots where the amount is so over-the-top that I'm left with this mental image of a guy just dumping buckets of paint and tossing fake organs everywhere, like it's some sort of local haunted house attraction.

I would like to point out something about the survivors vying for the hero's attention. Most of the time, their appearance is more terrifying than the infected. Many won't look directly at you during a conversation, opting, instead, to swing their heads back and forth. If that's not strange enough, the ones curled up on the floor have necks that bend in all directions of wrong while they're talking.
"Money, mods, or weapons! Rape is not a suitable reward!"
There are a few typical locations one would expect to traverse in a zombie game:
When you see it, you'll... not care.
It's an island resort, so don't expect to pussyfoot around a shopping mall or grade school. Instead, questing primarily takes place on the beach, throughout the city, and in the jungle. Within these zones, there are moments where the hero(es) will have to settle matters inside private homes, scurry through a sewer system, retake a police station, and clear out a graveyard. The final act takes place entirely within a prison, though it is no where near as lengthy as the other three. So that the players don't feel cheated, the game compensates with an overabundance of runners, rammers, and thugs who respawn quickly. Enjoy.

Most of the in-game music sucks, especially during Act 2. As one nears a particular type of undead, they'll hear roaring, groaning, screeching, and screaming, along with the sounds of sirens and car crashing. I get it. I'm in a city, but it all blends together poorly into an obnoxious loop of noise. Thankfully, this isn't a problem while exploring the beach or the jungle, so a sudden audible hint of enemies nearby has a much more jarring effect. The main theme isn't half bad, and Sam B.'s Who Do You Voodoo, Bitch? is a terrific addition to any Halloween compilation. That's about it.

The whole thing felt like Fallout 3, minus the crashing and numerous glitches, so it's certainly a better game from a technical perspective. Too bad it lacks a unified area to explore and, unimportantly, a similar degree of charisma to compensate. There's not a lot of interesting Easter eggs to be seen outside of some meme-inspired achievement/challenge names, a few clever quest titles, and a paltry sum of actual in-game references (the bulk of which are just knock-offs intentionally designed to look like real-life products, like "Spirit" imitating Sprite), but I'll give internets where internets are due for the Jenna Jameson zombie tied to the bed and the weapon modification to give myself Wolverine claws. Also, my curiosity got me two of the five colored skulls, though I didn't feel a strong urge to locate the other three, and I only stumbled across one of the alters for them. Still, this, like Fallout, rewards exploration, though I can't imagine that being a good trait during a multiplayer session. Not everyone wants to wait around for others to search through an area, especially if they've played the game longer and have a basic memory of where useful items are generally located.

I may need to go back and try again as one of the other three characters for a better experience, but I'm fairly certain that Purna is the most challenging to work with in a solo playthrough. Xian Mei, typical East Asian hottie with an affinity for swords (surprise surprise), is a glass cannon. Despite what forum polls might say about her, that type is only difficult for beginners. Think of a mage on WoW or Jigglypuff in the original Smash Bros (and, to a lesser extent, SSBM). Learn to exploit that power and it's smooth, enjoyable sailing from there. I won't touch her though, because... fuck swords.

Happy Halloween or Día de Muertos everyone, and make sure to increase your psychic powers before November!

Wave "good-bye" to the readers, Mr. Zombie. 
Sigh, close enough.

Sunday, September 21, 2014

It was RPGing with a bat before Ness made it cool.

Not long ago, dad purchased a Retro Duo in order to relive his middle-aged years of gaming. The RD (as the picture will show) allows for one to indulge in two of the greatest console libraries ever, the Mattle Hyperscan and the Gizmondo!

Durrr.
I still have a perfectly functioning NES and SNES (and a shitty e-Reader that works on neither of them), but since dad likes to spend half the year down in Florida, he didn't want to separate me from my 8- and 16-bit collections for such a long period of time, especially since I still have Secret of Mana and Willow to finish up, and I WILL FINISH THEM EVENTUALLY! I hope.

After repeatedly hearing, "I ordered that unit, Jerod" until the day it finally arriv... no, wait, he actually still says it periodically while playing... sigh, I finally dug through my collection to find whatever might be suitable for dad's now-limited gaming capabilities. The thing about that is his unwillingness to take the time to reacquaint himself with the controls and quirks. I stupidly believed it was due to his diminishing motor skills, but he's really just acting out his role as a technophobic geezer. I don't even understand why in this situation. I'm not introducing him to something new. What's worse is that, more often than not, dad will interrupt any sort of assistance with, "I don't fucking know what's..." or he'll make a piss-poor attempt to work with me for a few moments before raising his voice again in frustration. This makes the selection process especially difficult. Forget about the SNES games. The man has enough trouble locating the Select button and remembering when to press A or B. Ultimately, I brought him Super Mario Bros., The Legend of Zelda, Rad Racer, and Baseball Stars. He has played The Adventures of Bayou Billy, Contra, and Simon's Quest before, but those three are frustrating for gamers in their prime. In his physical condition, it'd be cruel to subject him to anything best known for being Nintendo Hard. Also, he'd never be able to figure out the Konami code, even if I wrote it down for him.
I don't remember this stage being so simple.
Of the four, dad's focus is squarely set upon Baseball Stars, the game that drove him to buy the Retro Duo in the first place. For those of you not fortunate enough to have enjoyed such a game, Baseball Stars is a sports title from the dreaded Sports genre of sports-related video gaming (which we TRUE gamers all despise IMMENSELY) that adds delicious RPG elements to it in order to create a super sexy fun experience with America's Japan's favorite pastime. Yeah, I know. I was dumbstruck when I realized I was still wanting to play after finishing the first game against the CPU.
To accomplish this miracle, SNK added a few things not originally seen in the sports genre. The most interesting is a save feature provided by a battery backup system that allowed the game to record basic statistics, such as the wins and losses of a particular team and who has the best batting average or the lowest pitching ERA. Not bad for something from '89, but there's a more notable purpose for that battery:
Believe it or not, another feature not previously seen on the NES was the ability to actually make your own teams and hire players for them, including women. Wait, is this the first baseball video game to include female players? Ha! What's next? Female assassins in a co-op mode?
Baseball Stars allows for the creation of up to six teams, fourteen in all, which is the same number of teams provided by Tecmo Baseball, a U.S. exclusive title that was released six months prior, but it offered no women, no customization, and no football. Seriously, who the fuck wants Tecmo without football?
Whew. Much better!
In addition to hiring and trading players for your team, there's the option to "permanently suspend" them. Not surprisingly, the player is punished with the only sad piece of chip music heard throughout the game and treated to this disheartening image:
Of course he was. Nobody listens to techno!
I always feel guilty firing my players, except Moby. Good thing I can just train the rest of them thanks to that RPG element I mentioned earlier.

As you clobber the CPU, your team wins money that allows you to buy better players, pie, or stat points:
He may be slow, but if the ball he hits never lands, then I guess it doesn't matter.
So we've got customization, catchy music, a save feature, women, Zangief, and a leveling system. What else would a sports-hating true gamer want? Well, SNK actually programmed off-screen fielders to head towards fly balls and cover empty bases in an effort to minimize doubles and triples. Plus, not only can your teammates jump and slide to get the ball, but they also only have to be nearby to catch it. If you've played an assortment of NES games in the past, then you've probably run into a few situations where the hit detection works against the player. I've certainly fallen straight through platforms enough times to want to snap my controller in half. Here, the hit detection intentionally favors casual players, which, coincidentally, also favors old, obnoxious fathers who are quick to give up at the slightest hint of a struggle. Even if you don't care, I'm certainly thankful.

By now, you're probably asking yourself why I even bothered typing this love note to a 25-year-old sports title that is no longer relevant thanks to younger, better-looking games offering up all sorts of various single-player modes, online features, and actual soundtracks. Well, it's because I've been constantly hearing that in-game loop throughout the house for the last month and it seems I can't focus on typing up something else until I get this game out of my mind. Obviously, I didn't type this to be entertaining, but I guess I could take this opportunity to end the post with a few inquiries for SNK. Ahem, in the sequel...
Why did you remove the women?
Why did you remove the option to name custom teams and players?
Why did you make the stats more expensive if the payout for winning is the same?
Why did you reduce the randomized stat gain potential if the stats are more expensive?
Why did you punish the casual audience you earned with the first game by making these changes?

Lastly, and most importantly, when are you going to start localizing the Doki Doki Majo Shinpan! franchise? I mean, we can't let NIS have all the glory, can we?
Yes, while I watch. Is that a problem?

Thursday, August 21, 2014

Look! There's pictures, Barnes! Pictures everywhere!

I had plans to enjoy something more aligned to my established tastes, and, instead, I found myself indulging in another adventure puzzler, this time centering around dolls (Matryoshka, to be precise), which is odd when one considers the trepidation I feel when left in a room with one, especially when it's with one of those ventriloquist dummies *shivers*. Fortunately, nesting dolls lack a humanoid shape, thus they seldom (if ever) fall into the concept of the uncanny valley. Still, I could see myself experiencing a brief moment of fear if I was to walk into a poorly-lit room and the first thing I spotted was the painted face of one of those playthings.
Or maybe not.
Getting back on topic, I recently finished one of the more tastefully unique titles I've ever had the privilege to experience, and, once again, it was part of a Humble Bundle purchase that included two other games I'm currently playing. Once in a while, I also progress through another stage of Sacred Citadel, which can be summed up as "generic brawler that's tolerable with teammates." It's basically a modern day version of Sonic Blast Man 2, except you're battling orcs, instead of the mentally handicapped.
So, I guess the point of this is to fight fire with fire, right?
The first, and arguably least enjoyable of the three is Windforge, a Snowed In Studios Inc. creation that barely passed its Kickstarter goal by $161.
Did you ever want to dig out the inside of a whale and live in it? 
Windforge is a 2D rpg-ish adventure with a setting similar to Skies of Arcadia. The ground level is deadly, everyone lives on floating islands, and you're attacked by flying creatures and air pirates.
"Yarr! We've come for your precious white booty!"
(Plenty of comedy gold with this one. Feel free to leave a comment with a line of your own.)
Combat resembles Contra's "run and gun" stages, even while you're piloting.
Your shitty, defenseless default ship is that thing on the left. 
Windforge takes place within Cordeus, named after the god of this planet, or whatever, which is divided into six regions separated by strong winds (as seen in the image below). As you head north, you'll be pelted with a near-constant rain of fire. As you near the core, you'll begin to suffocate. It's a dangerous world to explore. Annoying, too. Notice those squares on the map? Every time your character leaves one to enter another, a load screen appears. A trip from one town to another is usually a dozen load screens in length. You'll love it.

Windforge is an odd blend of problems and conveniences that I'm slowly losing interest in finishing, despite the hours I've already put into it.

The Good - Repairing is a one-click ability that costs nothing, even if you request the dockmaster to do it for you. Dismantling is just as simple. Dying will not rob you of your items, and allows the player to teleport back to town. Kill the townspeople. They don't care. None of the crafting materials are all that problematic to obtain, though it's easier to buy them from vendors, and more enjoyable to rob them from other ships. Tame a whale. Kill the townspeople with it. They don't care.

The Bad - Piece together a ship one tiny block at a time. Explore temples that all look alike. Fight temple guardians that all look alike. Enjoy an endless meteor shower. Fall from the damage, repair, and fly back up. Enjoy an endless meteor shower. Fall from the damage, repair, and fly back up. A giant basilisk attacks you. Also, enjoy an endless meteor shower. Fall from the damage, repair, and fly back up. Awkward movement comes with an awkward grappling hook. Action bars don't lock. Half a dozen vendors separated from one another in each poorly-designed town. Half a dozen trainers separated from one another in each poorly-designed town.
Oh, another meteor shower? Has it been ten seconds already? My how time flies!
I found my interest starting to wane as I was having to use my jackhammer to clear away floor after floor after floor of damaging spikes in order to safely reach my next palette-swapped temple boss. The only real draw for this title is the chance to be creative:

It's a feature that is wasted on lazy-minded gamers, such as myself, who just want to finish the main quest and enjoy the ending. I don't care what my ship looks like as I try to accomplish this. I'd show a picture of it if the "Print Scrn" button worked on the game. It doesn't appear to, as I can't locate anything saved from it. In case you were wondering, my ship is shaped like a one-handed gun, with an extended flat top that I use to prop up a fallen ship while I dismantle it. I like to fight other ships.

The second title is another take on the sub-genre of "match 3" puzzlers. Because it isn't F2P, I've found it to be considerably more enjoyable than Marvel Puzzle Quest and Candy Crush combined.
That's not much of an accomplishment, is it?
Reignmaker is actually the sequel to Frogdice's Tower of Elements, and is the second successfully-funded Kickstarter project, which managed to earn over 170% of their goal. *gives a thumbs up* Yeah! They're also the developers behind the rpg/puzzle title Dungeon of Elements and Threshold, a 20-year-old text-based, multi-user rpg that absolutely demands the player to participate through role-playing. Basically, I'm telling you that it's a well-established indie game developer. As of this post, it's currently running another Kickstarter for Stash: No Loot Left Behind, which will end on the 12th of September this year. They've got quite a bit of ambition, to type the least, so I wish them the best of luck. Hell, I'll even toss in a pledge. :) 

**Update ~ Stash actually did reach its goal, but not by much with no thanks to the few who read this blog prior to the Kickstarter's end date. -_-**

Reignmaker effectively utilizes the tile-matching mechanic to defend your tower by releasing the corresponding magic, earning power-ups for four- and five-tile matches, and quickly recharging spells to help clear away tiles more effectively.

As you can probably see from this image, it's important to match tiles in the rows occupied by oncoming enemies, but, even if you don't, this is not your only option for defense. Townsfolk can be hired to fight, heal, and help retrieve goodies from the battlefield, and there are plenty of tools the player may purchase to stop or slow down the opposition. As seen with their previous works, Frogdice wasn't content to leave this as a mere puzzle game. 
There are three regions to choose from, along with three levels of difficulty.
Between battles, the player may return to his or her city in order to upgrade buildings, manage resources, hire units, and set policies based upon the choices given.

What you choose may affect the aesthetics of your growing home, or provide you with additional money (triads), units, and even long-term benefits, like price reductions. I chose a desert setting and named my home "Atlantis." Clever, I know. Shut up. After setting numerous policies, I now have purple fungus growing all over the place, NPCs congregating outside my town hall (probably to kill me), and a giant blob monster bouncing around the place (probably to eat the congregating NPCs). Even better, every decision you make, regardless of whether or not you get a goodie for it, comes with a positive result. The game never makes you feel stupid for what you chose, and that alleviates the need to try and figure out what would be considered the "best" option. If that's not enough, there's also over 100 achievements to obtain, constantly doling out positive reinforcement for every little thing you do. There's a lot of love-dispensing in this to keep the player happy, and, more importantly, the gripes are few and far between. The only three I am aware of is that you're going to be craving wood all the time *giggle*, the quest rewards are pathetic (use five of an item and receive a mere 4 wood for it? what?!), and later battles involving "blocked" runes will sometimes cause a bug where the images of some tiles may overlap others. If a match-three refuses to work, that's probably why.


Then there's the beastiary. Is that good? Bad? I don't know. Filling it up rewards the player with more achievements, so that's something. It offers tidbits of information and close-up animations of your enemies. Neat?

Finally, I'm going to type about my favorite of the three, Stacking, a Double Fine Production title born from the Amnesia Fortnight event, along with Costume Quest, that was reworked into a complete game and published by THQ back in 2011.

Why do I enjoy Stacking when I find the adventure genre to be relatively dull, irritating, and sorely lacking in Zanigef? Because it effectively appeals to serious and casual gamers with its OPTIONAL hint system, and, thankfully, the loveable, quirky personality mixed in isn't bogged down by Tim Schafer's classic stupid-ass moon logic humor:
Ha. Ha. Ha... Fuck you, Monkey Island.
The whole thing revolves around Charlie, the smallest of the Blackmore family set. His ability to mind control others from the inside out hammers home the old saying, "Good things come in small packages... that can split your body in half and nest within your innards." It's beautiful. Magnificient. Erotic. What more would you want? The ability to punch, vomit, and fart potpourri at the push of a button? Sure! Every doll has its own ability, and only one ability, kinda like in the manga Needless, but with significantly fewer panty shots. A shame, I know. If you are able to sneeze, then that's all you are ever going to be able to do for the rest of your life. You can't even cry about it, because it's not sneezing. It's a sad existence for these dolls, but not for you. Not as Charlie. Charlie can do everything, and all he needs is another doll's appetizing soul to make it happen.

The story takes place during the industrial period and plays out like a silent film. In many cases, it's even done on stage. Where did the stage come from? Irrelevent. The father of the Blackmore family set goes missing and the rest of the family decides to work to pay off the debt they've accumulated as a result. Charlie soon discovers that The Baron (he's evil) has taken and enslaved them all (evilly), along with every child he could get his (evil) hands on... wait, what hands? Nobody wanted Charlie though. "Too small," they said. "Worthless," they called him. Well, who's making you piss your pants now, huh? HUH?! Seriously, one of the dolls only has the ability to piss himself, and Charlie is the one considered worthless?

With the help of these abilities, the player can solve puzzles in a variety of ways. Some require the combined efforts of various dolls, like adding fire to farts, then applying that fart fire to every copy of Fifty Shades of Grey and its author. Not surprisingly, farting is one of the more useful abilities in this game. AS IT SHOULD BE! Solving just enough to finish the game is a simple task, and if that's all you want to do, then so be it. For everyone else, there are usually three or four possble solutions to discover, along with performing Hi-jinks and collecting unique dolls for additional achievements. Everything you do will be displayed artistically by Levi the Hobo, Charlie's best friend (and possible lover). He even provides DLC pertaining to the search for a new hobo king. Good stuff.

As if the concept and dialogue isn't enough, the world of Stacking itself is brimming with charm as various bits of junk are glued/taped together in the form of some sort of household creation. It provides the finishing touches to an already amazing title.

If there was a complaint worth mentioning, it might be the length of the game (roughly five hours to complete). Personally, I thought was just long enough to avoid becoming dull. The only letdown I experienced was with the lack of some sort of cardboard creature coming up out of the ocean. I really did hang out by the side of the boat and waited for something like that to appear in the distance. Oh well.

That's it. Favorite adventure title ever... unless I forgot about one that I liked more. All in all, it's well worth the $10 price tag on Steam, if not part of a Humble Bundle, so play it, or tell me to shut up. I don't care.
Well, look at that! I stand corrected. Hands do exist in this game.

Tuesday, July 08, 2014

I Have No Commenters, and I Must Blog

Why do we call it the "adventure" genre? When did wandering around a world filled with awkward pathing, clicking every single thing on the screen repeatedly to trigger the required events necessary to progress, and solving unrelated puzzles count as an adventure? "Ok, I got my sword, a shield, some herbs... yeah, it's time to go out and shove some boxes into a specific pattern, rearrange canned goods, and complete a 20-step challenge of Simon Sez." In RPGs and action-adventure games, brain twisters are usually scattered throughout the game to help break up the monotony of killing and looting.The best excuse for having them would be to stop intruders from robbing a tomb or a treasure room that, for whatever reason, your character eventually explores out of curiosity, because you can't put a place like that into a game and not expect the player to visit it. Side-questing? The Hell it is! The moment I come across a new location is the moment it becomes part of the main objective. Gunning down a gaggle of Garys? Lightsabering a crazy man holed up in a locker? Rubbing salt and pepper on Katt's half-naked body? All of this becomes necessary because it's there. The term "side-questing" would be best used with those achievements specifically meant for perfectionists wanting to complete the same tasks in record time, with unusual power restrictions, and, in some cases, for the sake of obtaining some item that only drops once every thousand battles. With that in mind, side-questing should be for those too young to realize how short their lives are, unaware of how many great games they will inevitably miss out on because they are obsessed with obtaining a shiny version of every Pokemon.

The fans of true adventure games are an odd bunch. They clearly want to suffer. It's not that they won't play something different, but they definitely prefer to play it differently. After all, why make coffee for Dr. Bitch when you can first check the maker (because you absolutely have to in order to proceed), steal a bowl of seeds from a museum exhibit, attempt to give them to the janitor, fail, go back to the lab, ground the seeds up, go back to the janitor, fail again, find a used coffee bag in a trash can, fill it with the seeds you crushed, then take the bag back to the janitor, and finally return to Dr. Bitch with a fresh cup of whatever the hell you stole from the exhibit?
 See, that's them. They're probably the reason why we have challenges like the Ironman play style of Diablo. "Yeah, I could rest, repair, and buy items, but wouldn't it make more sense to just go deeper into enemy territory regardless of how badly hurt and ill-equipped my character is?" I don't care. Even if I go through all that added trouble, I'm still going to be treated to the same ending. All I'm concerned about is reaching the end within the "rules" set by the game's developers. That's about as challenging as I wish for a game to be. I want to finish a raid in Warcraft, but I won't rely upon an add-on to do it. I still want to beat Karnov, but I don't want to use my Game Genie to give me unlimited lives and more items. I want to finish Contra, but... alright, I'll admit that there are exceptions. Because a straight adventure already puts in the effort, there's no real need to come up with handicaps to make things more "interesting" for the player, and many of the best titles that the genre has to offer (Grim Fandango, Riven, Monkey Island, Day of the Tentacle...) all include clever, multi-layered puzzles that don't do them justice to be lumped together with the likes of Tetris, Puyo Pop, Beje ...Candy Crush. I'm not insulting Tetris, mind you. I'm merely pointing out the significant differences between matching colors and a basic understanding of touch spatial relations to that of Rube Goldberg contraptions, anagrams, and MacGyver logic. I detest them (especially when they use anagrams), yet I will admit that adventure games cater to a couple of niche audiences who would likely never play video games if not for them. I may not enjoy the nonsensical process involved in obtaining a cat mustache on Gabriel Knights 3, or winning the fictional love of a 2D lady from Let's Meow Meow! who arrived at my doorstep naked and curled up in a package, but I know some other screwball does, and it's thanks to games like them, along with other stuff like Ai Cho Aniki, School Days, Seaman (We love you, Nimoy!), Typing of the Dead, et cetera that allow me to confidently tell non-gamers that there is something out there for them, too. They just haven't played it yet.

Prior to typing this, I decided to indulge/torture myself by participating in three types of adventures. I also watched a longplay of Myst. ... That game is so. fucking. boring! I was looking at some of the comments talking about how the people in most Let's Play videos are childish and get in the way of listening to the "awesome music" Myst provides. What fucking music?! Most of the game is silent! Why even make a soundtrack if the developers are barely going to use it? And why watch a Let's Play just to listen to the music? Idiots.


Ugh, my first of the three was Magical Diary. I have no clue as to what possessed me to play this, even if it was for the sake of the blog entry. It's an adventure title falling under the sub-genre of visual novels centering around a fat girl I named "Love Hungry" who attends a school for witches and falls in love with one of five individuals that she hopes will indulge her cravings for cake and pretzels during lovemaking. She is a wildseed witch, meaning she was born into a family of muggles. This is done to allow for the perfect excuse as to why your professors and fellow students will explain everything you will need to know to play. After a lengthy introduction, you plan out your week, choosing between five types of magic, going to the gym, studying, and rest. During the weekends, you can go to the mall (because that's what cool girls do!), study some more, or sleep. There's also the possibility of detention on Saturdays, which is necessary for one of the love routes. This process continues for a full school year (from September 1st to May 1st) with holidays and various school activities in between. I've played similar games for free, but this one definitely earns its pay. It also features the fewest images of poorly-drawn penises throughout the experience, so that's something to think about as well.


Magical Diary is a welcoming start for those new to the sub-genre. There are multiple solutions to the exams, including an option to give up that doesn't result in an immediate bad ending, the stress-building feature is much easier to manage here than what I've experienced from similar games, and the dialogue is both well-written and genuinely interesting. The player will be able to take part in all of the necessary school events regardless of how he/she develops, bypassing the luck factor seen in other visual novels and dating sims that involve being in the right place at the right time, and any relationship one wishes to pursue will offer a deep and rewarding love story. Plenty of save files are available, too. Gotta love having multiple save files in an adventure title, right? There are a few minor issues to address, however, because you might play it for yourself and say something like, "Why didn't you type about this and that in your award-winning, Nobel Peace Prize nominated blog?! I am now perturbed and prone to snarky remarks!" Well, Love Hungry's dialogue choices, along with her overall character design options, don't allow for too much variety. This is more of a limitation than an actual flaw in the game. If there's a specific, somewhat peculiar type of personality one wishes to express through Hungry, it's not likely going to happen. Also, nearly all of the interesting stuff revolves around finding love (and consuming pie). There's no major plot unfolding throughout the year and no grand finale of sorts to look forward to. If you're not working towards a relationship, it's going to be a somewhat dull experience. Oh, perhaps you'll spend your time becoming an all-powerful witch, right? MD does allow the player to learn several spells, but many of them do the same thing and aren't all that impressive. The only time to really use a spell is during the seven exams and that's only if you've managed to train enough in a particular field of magic to learn one of the spells necessary for success during a particular exam. I focused on white magic (I was aiming for an achievement) and ended up failing my first two exams and the fifth one, because there was absolutely nothing I could do to succeed. Even if I decided to learn a few other types of magic, will I know enough in one of those to have learned the magic necessary for the exam? For a game with "magical" in its title, I'd be lying if I didn't feel a little disappointed. I still got my achievement, so suck it, Grabiner! Likewise, for a game featuring a mall, there is very little to buy, and the selection doesn't change (the glasses aren't that wacky, either). Lastly, the visuals bother me a little. The girls come in two types and look the same within each, requiring superficial differences to help tell them apart (like the cast of Sailor Moon or Oriemo), while the males are all effeminate in appearance. The style of the entire game is that of amateur Anime. It looks like the early results of a "How to Draw Manga" book. Heck, it probably is.


Moving from one title to the next felt like I was jumping out of a hot shower and into an ice bath. I Have No Mouth, and I Must Scream is a psychological horror, point-and-click adventure that has no business being paired up with Magical Diary. Inspired by a short story written in 1967, you play as five unfortunate survivors who have been tortured for 109 years by a sentient supercomputer calling itself "AM". AM was built for war. Even after it became sentient, AM realized it was only capable of understanding death and destruction. Unable to move, speak, and think freely like human beings, it becomes furious and takes its hatred out on mankind by wiping out life on Earth. The only reason five individuals survived this catastrophe was because AM wanted to keep a few playthings around for it to punish over and over again for all eternity. Here, we get to participate in one of AM's sick games. There's nothing special about what you'll get to do. All the usual problems pertaining to half-assed logic puzzles and an unnecessary abundance of cryptic remarks plague I Have No Mouth's gameplay. What makes this a treat for the player is the story that unfolds. It provides the sort of questionable content not commonly seen in a video game back in 1995, including rape and suicide (the option to eat a baby was removed from the final product). This is thanks to the author of the original short story, Harlan Ellison, who not only co-created the game by providing new dialogue and back story, but also offered to voice AM itself. He does a phenomenal job of that, by the way, as is evident within the first few minutes of the introduction and is continued throughout the whole thing. His performance is a bit hammy, but you'll genuinely hate the machine before it's all over. Ellison truly captured the essence of an all-powerful machine that is also a total asshole psychopath.


My final attempt to really get into the adventure genre was released back in 1993. The 7th Guest distinguishes itself from my other two choices by being an interactive horror movie that heavily relies upon standalone puzzles, live action cut scenes, and 3D graphics that far exceeded the visual quality of Star Fox, which was released a few months prior. With that said (and typed), I would like to point out that those puzzles all suck ass, the live action is notoriously bad, and a game that looks good means nothing if the main character has trouble moving around the mansion. Moreover, the puzzles don't really coincide with the story. You cannot progress unless you solve them, but there's no plausible excuse as to why that is. "Stauf created puzzles and built a mansion with the wealth he obtained selling them and dolls." That's it. He doesn't even put much effort into his work. You'll run into the typical stuff, like the slide puzzle, follow the leader (for a chain of eighteen friggin' notes!), a handful of Chess puzzles (two of which are the same thing), and even a long maze for you to get lost in. Between exploration and puzzles, you'll be treated to what appears to be a competition for the coveted World's Worst Thespian award. The winner, of course, was Robert Hirschboeck (Stauf) who also played in the sequel The 11th Hour, and as Gargamel's stunt double in the live action Smurf films. As a horror, The 7th Guest pales in comparison to I Have No Mouth. It's tough trying to scare somebody when all you do is make stupid puns while he or she is fooling around with slices of cake and cans of soup. You probably don't have a clue how many times I heard him say, "Don't take all knight!" while I was fiddling with a dumbass Chess puzzle on the bathroom floor, cause that's not gross or anything. On the other hand, The 7th Guest has the most enjoyable music of the three games. "Skeletons In My Closet" is a decent song to listen to during the credits, and there is a commonly played tune that includes random piano keys being struck which spooked me for a few moments. I wish I could compliment the music in Magical Diary, because that seems like the one that would have the most enjoyable soundtrack of the three, but the song selection in that game is a bit off, and some of them don't match well with when they are played.


I might go further into The 11th Hour, though I really just want to play something I'm more familiar with. Also, being poorly insulted for restarting my puzzles and having to figure out a bunch of anagrams doesn't exactly encourage me to continue. In case your were wondering, I don't care much for Sierra, either, which is why I didn't choose to play anything from their collection. If anything, Leisure Suit Larry Reloaded might be worth a try. It might be. It might. Maybe. Doubtful.


I hope you all enjoyed this text-based blog adventure of mine. If you actually read the whole thing, you can consider that the bad ending. Also, you died. Would you like to load a save file?

Thursday, June 12, 2014

We don't want zombies, bandits, sheep, zerglings, orcs, musical notes, or balloons on the lawn.

Around 480 BC, King Leonidus Butler enlisted the help of Kevin Sorbo and Pit to defend the Greecy city-state of Red Rover. On the very first turn, things went south as Butler rovered Little Zizou to come over. Going straight for their leader, the Persians felt threatened. Thanks to their high speed stat, the Persians quickly arrived at Thersmopylons long before their leader could come right over and began xerxing Butler's chain, crippling Leo's strength with an abundant use of Pay Day, and then proceeded to lick themselves. Three days later, Lil' Z walked right pass the weary defenders and claimed what was rightfully his. He brough Pit back with him and then it was Zizou's turn to rover someone over to his chain. Now left with Struggle, the Persians were unable to prevent Sorbo from bringing Pit back with him, leaving Platypusa no other choice but to send her second-in-command, Perry, to end this silly game at once. To make a long history lesson short, everyone became Roman, and a sequel was funded seven years later with the coins scattered about the field.

While many still believe in the Sand Castle Vs. Ocean theory, this idea is without reliableWiki resources to support it, thus the Battle of Thermohoppopotamus remains as the first documented use of what tacticians refer to today as a "tower defense".

The tower defense strategy was nautrally conceived through conception. Since women are the opposite of men, and inherently evil because of it, sperm is treated as a sort of enemy. As sperm enters the female's body, it reaches an abyss-like region aptly named the "tartuterus". While the egg cell's membrane acts as the primary shield, the tartuterus is set up as an elaborate maze filled with trap cards, anti-sperm monsters, David Bowie, and acid to prevent all but the most determined sperm from ever seeing the egg. For those few who survive the trip, they will then have to fight their way through the cannon towers, slowing traps, and an excessive number of sunken colonies fortifying the membrane of the ovum. In most cases, only a sole survivor lives to tell the tale (not that anyone cares to listen).

All of this, along with Custard's last stand for revenge at the Alamo, laid the foundation for this sub-genre of RTS gaming:


If it wasn't for the pants, you wouldn't be able to tell'em apart!
Still, it was a weak foundation with few developers willing to create titles based solely upon giving their enemies the D, that is, until Starcraft arrived. Not only did Blizzard breathe new life into real-time strategy with the overwhelming success of Starcraft, but the included campaign editor opened the doors for players to expand upon that success. The most notable of these creations were the turret and sunken defense maps. Because of the Zerg creep preventing non-Zerg teammates from building their own defenses, the earliest maps typically kept the two separate, meaning waves of flying units for turret defense maps, and waves of ground units for sunkens. Eventually, one of these map makers realized that Zerg also have spore colonies (those buildings no one gave a fuck about, because Hydralisks are cheaper and more effective), so it was possible to have both ground and air waves with a single race without having to waste space with pylons or resources with making units to fill bunkers. As people became more familiar with the editing tools, we got mixed TD maps ("turret defense" was the preferred label, even when sunkens were also included) with all three races, stationary units acting as additional defense options, and, sometimes, a relatively competent balance in the increasing strength of the waves. The concept is easy to learn, but it does entail effective mazing and careful spending on upgrades to complete, so the player doesn't feel stupid afterwards for playing it (that's the job of the bunker wars and zone control maps). When Warcraft III took over, turrets were replaced by towers. People were still making "TD" maps, but the "T" changed to accomodate the medieval setting, and the name just stuck after that. The "D" was stuck somewhere else for added enjoyment.

The tower defense genre boomed with the help of Adobe Flash. Not everyone wanted to buy a Craft game, and there was nothing else worth playing in 2007...

So it was up to independent developers to fill this void with browser games (and porn advertisements).

The first major success was in January of 2007, and it was actually a Flash remake of the Warcraft 3 map Element TD. Lazy bastard. Personally, I believe Defend Your Castle ! deserves a little more credit for its 2003 contribution, but I understand that it doesn't play much like what qualifies for a tower defense game nowadays, and no one cares what I think, so fuck it. This was followed up with other popular titles such as Desktop Tower Defense, Bloons Tower Defense 1 - 4, Gemcraft, Cursed Treasure 1 and 2, Kingdom Rush, Cellcraft, Symphonic Tower Defense, Pokemon Tower Defense, Throw Pillows at a Toddler's Face as Hard As You Can, and plenty of others that now make up entire websites dedicated solely to them. Why are they so popular? It's partially because the gameplay is, at its core, simple fun, like a Bejeweled clone or an old beat'em up, though a few have tried (unsuccessfully) to make their games a bit more complex. Another reason is because many of them are 100% free to play. Can't afford to buy a copy of Plants Vs Zombies or Orcs Must Die!? Who cares?! There's plenty of other choices out there. If you don't mind paying, however, I highly recommend both of those games! I'm especially impressed with Orcs Must Die! because it utilizes the third-person perspective of standard action games without complicating anything in the process. I also appreciate the humor Robot Entertainment injected into it. Whatever TD you decide to play, you're likely going to have more fun than you figured you would... unless it has a shitty rating. Why would you even bother playing if that information was available? To prove my statement wrong? Why would that matter? Who's going to actually read this and agree with anything I type? Your effort to make me look foolish has been in vain! I made myself look foolish long before you were even aware of my existence, so there!

Oh, and Rampart existed at some point during all of this.
Yeah, that's how I remember it.
Anyway, the only reason I've wasted so much of my lonely, worthless time typing about this is because I've spent the last few months playing four of them, three of which I bought as part of a Humble Bundle: Orcs Must Die!, its sequel, and Defender's Quest: Valley of the Forgotten. The fourth is Symphonic Tower Defense, which is not only a decent TD, but the music you defend against is also legally free to download. What more could I want? Dr Pepper and a 3DS that isn't a piece of shit? Nah. Nah.... *sighs* I hate you so much malfunctioning shoulder buttons.

Saturday, May 10, 2014

Oh my twinkling stars...

Prior to it, my experience with RPGs as a child involved Dragon Warrior 3 and... Baseball Stars? I saw Final Fantasy and Dragon Warrior (Quest. I know. Shut up.) as rivals back when I was in grade and middle school, so I avoided Final Fantasy solely because I thought I would be a traitor to Dragon Warrior. Yes, kids believe in stupid stuff like that all the time, and I was no exception. Fortunately for me, I've never made another mistake ever and have been perfect in every other manageable, imaginable, and unimaginable way.

What actually got me into the genre itself was due to a comment my oaf of a friend made while I was spending the weekend at his place. Resting atop an uneven pile of perforated bricks in his guest bedroom was a Sega Genesis, and at this particular moment, I noticed Shining Force lying on the floor nearby. I asked if it was any good and he told me it would be too hard for me to figure out. Hearing that sort of thing from a guy who couldn't dress himself properly unless his mom laid out the clothes for him irritated me, so I played it secretly whenever he left me alone for a while to figure the game out for myself. Once he finally saw me playing it, I told him it wasn't that difficult to understand (for me, at least). He was kind enough to let me borrow it and I spent my free time playing through the game multiple times in my brother's room. Why did we always have the Sega Genesis in Ian's room? I probably didn't want to have a Sega system and a Nintendo system in the same room together because of their rivalry... dang it! I made the same mistake and didn't even realize it! Actually, Ian told me it had to do with my television lacking space, or was it the three-color setup, or something something... com-plete. Oh, well, at least this now validates my prior claim to flawlessness, unless one wishes to accuse my poor memory as being a flaw, then, you know, shut up.

Shining Force is the second game of a series that began with Shining and the Darkness back in '91, though you probably wouldn't know it if "shining" wasn't used in both names. Darkness has a similar look to that of Wizardry, while Force more closely resembles Nobunaga's Ambition and Fire Emblem:
The first picture is of Wizardry VI, I believe. A lot of hot pixel nudity in that one. As for the second image, I'm convinced Nobunaga's ambition was to cover the world with tatami mats.

I should mention that SF developer Hiroyuki Takahashi showed no love for Fire Emblem, despite the similarities. What brought about his game was a desire to make the battles in Dragon Quest more enjoyable without the help of Toriyama's artwork. Impossibru, you say? Merely improbabru. Inspired by Silver Ghost, combat in Shining Force revolves around commanding multiple charismatic individuals, and, for whatever reason, Lowe, in turn-based battles that usually take place on maps twice as spacious as they really ought to be.

Masochists might demand more pain in their Strategy/Tactical RPG, but the only legitimate issue with Shining Force is having to battle in areas full of empty space with movement-hindering terrain that prolong a fight for no beneficial reason. If one really wishes to nitpick, there are certainly minor problems to point out.

For example, while there are plenty of PCs to recruit, many of them are just different versions of each other. This is especially true of the centaurs May, Ken, Arthur, Pelle, Vankar, and Earnest, with similar lance-wielding individuals, such as Guntz and Kokichi. The only one who stands out dramatically is Lyle, the centaur with a fucking bazooka, whose face seems to be the standard look of all the playable characters:

Another minor problem revolves around healers and their inability to keep up with the team. They, like anyone else, can become quite powerful, but if you don't enjoy wasting extra turns to boost their experience with healing, then switch'em out, toss each fighter a healing seed, and go into battle full force. (I've done it. It works quite well.) Other nuisances include debuff spells that are worthless (no surprise there), all boss fights are won with a bum rush, a handful of extremely weak PCs join late in the game and require an excessive amount of attention to be of value, there are a few of those obnoxious "But thou must" questions creating the illusion that your decision matters, and the menu is cumbersome. Again, minor problems. All they really do is show the game's age, as these issues were common with RPGs in the '90s... until Final Fantasy VII came, fixed everything, and made RPGs the greatest thing ever:
She hugs the enemies.
The Shining Force roster has only one weak character, Jogurt, and his entire purpose is to be comedy relief. He's not half bad at that, either. Want to bring down the ultimate evil with the might of a dozen hamsters? He can do it!
What's more impressive is that he's the only one to find work outside of the Shining series.
Among the rest, there is no Delibird or Luvdisc of the bunch. Just choose whomever you like, level'em up, and watch the magic happen. Bleu and Adam are ridiculously pathetic to begin with, and helping them grow probably isn't worth the effort (at least the healers can keep their distance), but those two are by far the most rewarding for your trouble.
The player will have to deal with a lot of shit to level Adam, but, if you're patient, he'll return the favor once he's stronger.
As much as I enjoyed each chapter, once I experienced Shining Force II and it's properly-connected world, I became displeased with the idea of separating the world map into eight pieces. I won't refer to this as a flaw of Shining Force, because it never mattered until SF2 was released, and comparing it negatively to it's sequel would be silly. In fact, Shining Force II actually manages to improve upon nearly every aspect of its predecessor, which is what a true sequel should do.
... or just keep churning out the same fucking thing.  That works, too.
That's quite a feat considering it had the same shitty budget as the other Shining titles and a fresh team of developers to help Takahashi create it.

Shining Force II takes place half a century later with an anthropomorphic rat stealing the two jewels that sealed Zeon, one of the three Devil Kings. Demons emerge from the tower where the gems were kept and Sir Astral is brought in for assistance. Astral is a more developed character than his Shining Force counterpart Nova, a Dragonute (Dragonewt?) whose existence discredits an NPC's comment about Elliot being the last of his kind in the first game. I believe the comment was altered in the remake to, "...one of the few left of his kind," so it's not as if it went unnoticed by SEGA, though more backstory of Nova himself would have been appreciated. Oh well.

The main character in Shining Force II is a student of Astral who was trained in both magic and swords. As with Max, he learns Egress to allow an immediate escape from battle, and Bolt is eventually learned, but he'll always be much more effective fighting up close.

By default, the dork's name is Bowie, though I usually change it to Karn, and his appearance made me reluctant to use him in battle any more than necessary to keep him alive. He's convinced by his classmate Sarah to see what's going on. Followed by a third student, Chester, the trio lie their way into the castle. Why Astral went alone to begin with doesn't make much sense considering he is too decrepit to do anything outside of teach and advise. Fortunately, he spots the kids, also lies, then has them accompany him to the tower where the geezer sends his students off to die against a group of demons. It's a typical School-Life Anime introduction. All this story is missing is a mysterious transfer student to assist them in battle. Once the fight is over, Astral casts a single spell, becomes winded, and collapses in the king's bedroom. Typical. Realizing the threat at hand, Granseal's army is called upon to hunt down the escaped Gizmo (a demon). Obviously, trained soldiers are useless, so the children are also dispatched. Before leaving town, a fourth student appears to join them. He's not a transfer student, nor is there anything mysterious about him... and he's uglier than Bowie, but he swings a mean axe, and, by this point, we learn that Chester's an unreliable fuck-up, so greet the sluggish dwarf with open arms, then send him up front to take all the hits, because you can't afford to stock up on enough healing herbs to keep Chester's sorry ass from dropping.

Some real effort went into the introduction of this adventure, and it only gets better from there. The English translation of the original Shining Force omitted numerous pieces of information, including Max's backstory and his (intimate) relationship to Kane. As far as I knew, the first chapter was little more than the first episode of Power Rangers with Nova recruiting a team of teenagers with attitude (and Lowe) to episodically fight evil. It's fun, but the reasoning for why I went from one place to another was a bit two-dimensional. In Shining Force II, there's all sorts of drama and detail to appreciate. The English translation isn't all that bad, either... compared to its predecessor, that is. So Dark Dragon's real name is Lucifer. Is anyone surprised about that? I'd change my name too if I had my dark followers calling me "Lucy" all the time.

As with Shining Force, the sequel offers numerous PCs to choose from. There's a little more depth with this roster, as it has been with everything else about the game. There's also a greater difference in power between individuals. For example, Peter the Phoenix practically breaks the game. He is a flying unit with very high stats who resurrects himself for free and doesn't require weapons to fight. Granted, Shining Force has Jogurt, but this guy is a one-man army... who isn't actually a man, because he's a bird, and birds have opposite chromosomes, so his would be XX, and since I typed "one-man", he would clearly be a female if his species was human instead of bird, making that description incorrect, though it would be anyhow because a bird's determining system is based around Zs and Ws, but it's the same even with different letters, because male birds are homogametic, which is what females are for mammals, so he's actually a one-bird army, right? Then, there is Higins the Centaur. Old, weak, slow Higins. None of his stats justify his inclusion in your team, because there are plenty of similar PCs with much stronger attributes. One could also call into question the need for Zynk and Claude. Both possess formidable power, but with practically no movement, neither will reach the front line quickly enough to be of any use. Leveling won't help them hustle, either. What I am typing is that there is a "best" team to use in this game, and choosing favorites who don't qualify will require level grinding to compensate. This won't matter too much on the normal setting, but try tackling this game on the Super difficulty (Ouch! mode has better targeting, but someone at SEGA forgot to buff the enemies' stats, so it's actually the second hardest). It won't take long to realize that this is not as forgiving as the original.

SFII offers a few detours with reoccurring battles (actually, this annoyed me whenever I walked into one), special promotion items to allow some minor customization of your characters, and fifteen hidden pieces of mithril that can used to craft unique weapons.

The music is cheerful, maybe too much at times, with Motoaki Takenouchi's "Welcome to Our Town" being my personal favorite of the soundtrack. Actually, I can have almost any track looping in the background without being bothered by it. Still, as a child, I would occasionally turn down the volume and play alternative rock radio (103.1 The Buzz). Now, thanks to that, I can't listen to "Pumping On Your Stereo" by Supergrass or "Sucked Out" by Superdrag without thinking about these games. This is still better than having the entire Jagged Little Pill album being linked to playing Metroid.
It's like picking up 10,000 ammo when what you need is energy.
Also, some content in both games is either questionable, or outright confusing:

There are hidden outfits for Anri and Tao in the first game, an all-out boss royale battle on top of Sonic the Hedgehog in the second one, and a delightful code in both to allow the player to rename all the characters. My brother and I used it on Shining Force to rename everyone "Dick" in some manner, because we were mature children.
Dicknose, Dickchin, Bleudick... you get the picture.
If there is any advice to give, I guess it would be to watch your ass in the circus tent and at Shade Abbey on Shining Force I and cautiously battle the Kraken and chess army in Shining Force II. All four fights can be problematic for first-timers, especially if they are not accustomed to this sort of gameplay. One more important piece of advice: don't nobody touch my hoes!

This includes the redesigned Khris in the GBA version.
Lastly, an inside joke:
Just for you, Ian. Just for you. :)