Sunday, February 28, 2016

Four in February: Open World Destruction

I never did much in GTA III. I don't think I even bothered with missions. All I ever focused upon was trying to increase my threat level as much as I could before losing. A shallow way to appreciate one of the most influential titles of the gaming industry, to be sure, but, in an effort to rectify that mistake, I decided to go and play GTA III properly an 8-bit indie title inspired by it.
Retro City Rampage DX is little more than a collection of nostalgic bits lovingly crammed together in the pixel city of Theftropolis, where nobody locks their car door. Your name is The Player. You enjoy senseless violence, reckless driving, wreckful driving, weapons of all kinds, and iced tea... a lot. While working for a crime syndicate, you steal a phone booth, fly into the future, and, well, go back to doing what you do. It's totally optional to care enough to help Doc get his klunker running again, though your future self will provide a compelling argument in his favor.
Collecting parts for Doc Choc involves tackling throwbacks to numerous games, while the arcade challenges are basically killing sprees using a particular weapon. Playing through the story will unlock additional references, weapons, challenges, and alternative characters.
Sweat Bomber and Bates take after the Splosion Man titles.
It's not really a pretty game, and it doesn't take long to notice how saturated RCRDX truly is with references. The action and dialogue reminds me of the Junkions, constantly stringing together famous one-liners and transitioning from one parody to the next while providing little to no genuinely original content. Still, I think RCRDX does a swell job of making all of this they're own. It's not half-assing anything here, and the occasional jump in difficulty is far from problematic. Most play a game like this to indulge in their past, and that past has a reputation for being what we now call "Nintendo Hard." Granted, it never reaches that extreme point, though I had my moments where I believed otherwise.
Screenshots like this one initially caused me to hesitate on the purchase.
If you're my age, older, or simply interested in what is arguably the best generation of the industry, then there's really no reason to miss out on this. Yeah, you'll groan at the excessive amount of cheese. Just click through it quickly and enjoy the action, because there's plenty, and it changes enough to keep things fresh. I especially loved revisiting Smash TV, a run and gun that portrays a fairly accurate depiction of the future.
In 1999, toasters and VCRs become the globally-accepted forms of currency,
while television is a strong, thriving medium.
There's twenty achievements (I like having achievements for games like this one), customization for The Player's appearance, display filters to recreate the experience of playing on twenty or so different consoles/handhelds, an arcade of mini-games to unlock characters for free roaming mode, and a fantastic soundtrack of chip music by the talented trio of Freaky DNA, Norrin Radd, and Jake "virt" Kaufman. My favorite tracks include Half Steppin', Nordic Night, Betting Zoo, and Beach Ninjas, but one of the radio stations in-game also provides virt's album FX3, which is free to download. The actual soundtrack itself isn't expensive, either. It's sold as a digital album for under $6 (in U.S. dollars, that is).

Retro City Rampage DX is a mere $10, typically sells for half that during Steam sales, and shows up periodically in Humble Bundles. It has received positive reviews from nearly every reputable game critic, in addition to the scumbag source you're reading now, and provides enjoyment suitable for short and long sessions of play. My only gripe is with its game cards and badges on Steam.
  Just look at this shit!
Fifteen for each one of those six hideous portraits. Fifteen! Did there really need to be two sleeping and two plumber cards? The big head mode emoticons and near-empty profile backgrounds that randomly come with those badges are just as pitiful. If one wishes to show their love for this indie, I highly recommend fan art, instead. Don't let this discourage you from the actual game though.

And with that, my Four in February for the year is complete. Quickly, too. I had enough time to squeeze in a fifth title, Goat Simulator, because I was told to play it.

Goat Simulator is another open world title with little more than a handful of goals to provide the player with any sort of direction. Completing it is really just a matter of actually earning all of its achievements. Doing so will allow you to explore everything Coffee Stain Studios has to offer. There's 106 achievements spanning across all of the DLC, with two-thirds of it attainable through the original and its MMO counterpart. The only one I didn't bother with between the two of them? Flappy Goat, because even I don't hate myself that much.

I guess that constitutes as finishing a fifth game, doesn't it? By the way, Goat Simulator's senseless destruction shtick loses its charm pretty quickly, so I only suggest adding it to your library if you're willing to put in the same effort for those achievements as I did (except for scoring ten points in Flappy Goat). Silly music. Great humor. Lots of goats. It's the total package. Give it a go, why not?
Microwave Goat is best goat.
(and most evil construct)

Thursday, February 25, 2016

Four in February: House Hunting

Two awful posts in one day? What sorcery is this?!
Perhaps you've heard about Gone Home. It's a story game, so you barely do anything, except awkwardly move around, because your legs fell asleep during the trip, and now it's up to the player to help this bitch wobble her ass to the nearest bedroom to lie down. Unfortunately, someone has meticulously locked doors in such a way that you must uncover secret passages, snoop through everyone else's "persnal bitness", summon an evil spirit who once owned a candy shop, and listen to music largely forgotten with the turn of the century, in order to reach the best mattress in the house. Why the best? Because you're an entitled piece of shit, just like everyone else.
The painted family portrait. A staple in every privileged household.
(I think my family just used enlarged Polaroid pictures)
This game asks the hard questions, like "Who shot JFK?" Then answers with, "Nobody! Dun dun DUUUUUUUUUN! Conspiracy!" Seriously though, I'm not sure. Kaitlin doesn't know how to open a book and, instead, merely spins it around in midair to read the front and back covers. This is an interesting and historically accurate detail for 1995. It became such a problem that an educational film was produced the very next year to address the issue.
We are forever in your debt, Jon Lovitz.
After three hours of breaking into my sister's locker, staring at mom's underwear, getting stuck in partially opened doors, and watching a rerun of Hangin' with Mr. Cooper, I passed the time by taping over Sam's music collection with recordings of my own farts and the giggling I made while doing so. That's a thing girls do, right? Maybe not anymore, but back then! Oh man! That was... that was... that was the trend. The thing to do. Yep. Ahem. Then, I went to sleep. In the morning, my parents came home and demanded to know why all the lights were on in the house. I told them the trip was fine, sarcastically thanked them for asking, and mentioned how Sam ran away with another girl. There are two endings at this point. This is dependant upon whether you choose to have Kaitlin go back to sleep or get up and make herself something for breakfast. Either way, the player gets to listen in on the parents' phone call to the police about Sam's disappearance during the credits. Since this all occurred in Oregon, all the police had to do was stand outside the ONLY building in the state that sells gas until she pulled up to refuel her Tin Lizzie, or whatever people drove back then. After three weeks of electroshock therapy, Sam was attracted to boys again (and iron). She also learned Thunder Wave and began flying with the help of a levitating manhole cover. 

I highly recommend High School High, Hangin' with Mr. Cooper, and breakfast. If I could remember what I was typing about for this post, I might recommend that, too... especially if I was typing about pugs. I love pugs.

Four in February: The Octopug Parable

I finished my Four in February. Six, if you count this and that. Hopefully, I'll bring myself to type about all of them, and then some, before the end of this month. Four games and four posts before March is the goal, after all. I expect a strong dip in quality from the other entries, but it's not as if I was producing anything of value to begin with, so, lettuce get on with this garbage, shall we?

The Stanley Parable is a Source engine mod by Davey Wreden that was enhanced and added upon to become a standalone purchase on Steam for $15. The entire thing revolves around your choices and how the narrator (British actor Kevan Brighting) responds to them. Also, there's a big ol' basket of Easter eggs (some with Disco music). It can be "beaten" in roughly six minutes, except when Stanley respawns in a different location, then there's the achievement for finishing the game in under 4 minutes and 22 seconds. There are eighteen endings, along with a bonus ending that's really just another Easter egg. For the most part, how one plays doesn't change from person to person. You could get the full experience from watching these two? videos. I would be grateful, however, if you did not. Whether at full price, a Humble Bundle, or through a sale, this intelligent and humourous work of art deserves to be monetarily praised, supported, and encouraged. This is why I am keeping the post brief. It's such a simple story with simple choices that it wouldn't take much to ruin a secret or ending with even a single picture. At best, I'd just show you the same title screen image of a computer or perhaps the room with two doors, and, since everyone else has already done that, there's no reason to add another to Google's image search. Just go and enjoy it.
Ok, so I added this image anyhow, because Sir Barnes the Noble likes pictures. It spoils nothing.
Following that joy was Octodad: Dadliest Catch, a sequel that carries on with controlling a cephalopod out of water who is pretending to be a human being. It's as difficult as it sounds, even with simple chores, like pouring a drink...
...or mowing the lawn.
For the first half of this game, challenges are made out of everyday tasks. It's charming. Comical, even. This is especially obvious with things like bananas peels, water puddles, and other pointless hazards just lying around in unusual places.
Because no wedding chapel is complete without children's drawings and DK decorum.
Then all of that joy turns into frustration as the difficulty spikes in certain parts. As a whole, Octodad isn't too much of a pain, and I haven't noticed a specific area where everyone suffers, though I endured quite a bit at the arcade.
Yeah, fuck these games.
Since the original, character design has improved considerably. The simple, cartoony look is appropriate, though Octodad's wife, Scarlet, gives off a Jimmy Newtron vibe. 
Maybe it's just me.
Their children certainly take after their mother... perhaps too much. You know, I'm not even sure if Octodad is their real father. Again, maybe it's just me.

I was expecting a longer game. Even with my troubles, it only took five hours to complete. I suppose I could go back and try for a few of the achievements, but I really don't want to go through that mess again.
The theme isn't half bad (isn't half good, either), and this goes for all versions of it. With exception to the Captain's Jig and The Backyard, I'm only glad I bought this during the winter sale. I should have listened to the full soundtrack on Youtube before making the purchase, but, again, it wasn't a total waste, and I didn't pay at full. Besides, I can rationalize it out as further supporting creativity in the industry. The development team of Young Horses deserves it.
This was suppose to be the final of my Four in February for 2016. It wasn't expensive, and I love pugs (and every other breed of dog). Yes, a speedy pug would have been a fantastic way to finish up this challenge. That price tag should have clued me in on what to expect, yet it didn't.

Turbo Pug is just a simplified endless runner. Adorable, well-made, and priced right with only two flaws that I feel it possesses: changes in the background might make it difficult to spot the spinning blades of death whose existence, along with that of the floating boxes and bloodied spikes, go without explanation (because why should we give a fuck?) and a lack of depth. For what little music there is, it's fine. If that's a priority for your endless runners, go play BIT.TRIP RUNNER. Great music there! Better gameplay, too. Sorely lacking in pugs though.

As one continues to rush his wrinkly waddler through an obstacle course, pug points will accumulate in the top left corner. Along with the potential for hi-score bragging rights, you'll also unlock additional pugs to choose from in the character select menu.
Impressive, but their diversity pales in comparison to that of goats, as proven by Coffee Stain Studios.
I think a sequel to Turbo Pug is in the works. If so, I hope it provides a more fulfilling experience, or, at least, allows my pug to run left. Unfortunately, because Turbo Pug is endless, it's not actually something a player can beat, so I had to look for another game to finish before the end of February. No problem there.

Sunday, February 07, 2016

Bagu was error. Error was not.

So, what's your favorite Zelda title?
"Mine's chocolate!"
Well, aside from chocolate, I'm sure most will respond with A Link to the Past, Ocarina of Time, or the original (with a handful naming Majora's Mask, because that's the unsettling and creepy one). As for myself, it's the "black sheep" of the bunch: Zelda II: The Adventure of Link. I can't really pinpoint a sound reason. It's just the one in the franchise that left the strongest impact upon my decrepifying memory.

I love the larger sprites. It's an expectation for a sequel to outshine it's predecessor, and, visually, Zelda II did that with ease. As was the case with the first game, bosses here are bigger, but not by much, and one is just a late game mook with an amazing ride.
At the stroke of its mane,
It will cause you some pain
And if Link ends up slain
His blood will resurrect Gannon.
Unlike the original, however, where enemies were crammed into the space of a single square, the rest of the opposition comes in a variety of sizes with the smaller ones consistently proving themselves to be more obnoxious:
Many indulge in playing the role of "Asshole who knocks you into a pit of instant death!"
Sprite detail also comes in the form of genuine motion during side-scrolling gameplay. (Yes, this one is a side-scroller most of the time. Yes, so are the first two CD-i Zelda titles. Yes, they are bad games.... Ahem, you know what? The third one plays like the original. Go enjoy that travesty and try convincing me the top-down perspective matters!) Link's arms and legs move, mostly because he actually has them, and not only do they help Link to swing his sword (because he has no other weapons in this game), but they also allow him to crouch and jump. Yes, oddly enough, at some point between saving this Zelda and the previous one, Link realized he could momentarily fight gravity whenever he wanted. No items, ledges, or Z-targeting necessary. It's a shame he never got around to teaching the skill to anyone else in Hyrule, because I don't think we bear witness to Link performing this phenomenon again until his appearance in Super Smash Bros..

As I mentioned above, none of the tools returning from the first game will actually help Link during combat. Instead, he must search each town for a wise, old man who is willing to teach our hero magic that will allow him to jump higher, minimize damage, fly (gender bending included, which means we've had our female Link all along!), shoot fireballs, heal, reflect attacks, ...spell, and even weaken a boss whose name is actually a hint on how to defeat it. That would have saved me a lot of time and grief had Nintendo been kind enough to provide the same sort of hint against Stabface, boss of the first palace and hipster brony who clopped to MLP porn before it was cool.
"I don't clop! I have hands!"
(duly noted)
Equally powerful, if not moreso, are a pair of stabbing techniques taught to Link by Hyrulean knights. Once Link has acquired both, he will just tear through most enemies, including melee opponents on Smash Bros.. Down thrust is such a convenient meteor strike. Still, I can't help but ponder why it requires two knights for Link to learn these attacks. How is it possible that neither was successful in mastering the other's skill?
There's also a third knight who shows you how to summon a bridge.
Then, he tells you a story about it!

#BestZeldaEver
The Adventure of Link also introduced 1-up dolls hidden throughout Hyrule. They resemble Link and each can only be obtained once within the same quest.
Ok, I admit it. The dolls are dumb, but this is the only game where Link has lives. Just don't bother grabbing them until you're ready to venture into the final palace. 
Unlike younger iterations of the Zelda series, The Adventure of Link is a rewarding challenge, provided you remember about the hammer's other use. The game will most definitely kick your ass, nab your wallet, and call your waifu "trash." I wouldn't label it as Nintendo Hard, though it comes awfully close. I think it's fair to type that those deaths, the Game Over screen, and that fucking Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!! laugh are all your fault. This is thanks, in no small part, to Link's ability to dodge and, eventually, bounce over troublesome enemies. On top of that, the final boss can be easily defeated by crouching in the left corner of the room and stabbing at his legs. It's not a glitch, either. You'll discover that Link fares better against an approaching enemy in this game, and, well, you're not the one doing the approaching with this strategy. Winner!

The soundtrack for Zelda II is my favorite for two reasons: Simple chiptune tracks are more memorable by design, and, while this also applies to the original, the sequel benefits from having a larger tracklist, despite a few cuts made to the NES version. Basically, it's better because there's more wonderful Zelda music to enjoy. What I find somewhat odd is how I can't type this about Zelda III: A Link to the Past. Oh, I most definitely played the shit out of that game, and there are a few tracks I love hearing. A few. It's not that I don't enjoy the rest of its music. I just can't remember unless I am currently listening to the soundtrack. Hang around while I clean or work, and you'll probably catch me humming either a palace theme, or that of the village (outdoors version). Never has a Zelda game managed to stir a desire in me to fight quite as much as that palace theme. I love that tune!

I was looking over the virtual console on my 3DS and noticed it was available for five bucks. I own a gold cartridge, and I do have a functioning console to play it on, but this is Zelda on the go. What's not to love? With that same logic, I also bought Oracle of Seasons. I would have bought a few other Zelda games, but I really wanted River City Ransom and Kid Icarus at the time, so I spent my money on them. Still haven't played either, so why did I buy those?