DP aM aRe GooD To Me

Dead Horse Discussion

2007-03-08T16:32:00.000-05:00

"If we allow the courts to pass a law against the selling of mature games to minors, then it won't be long before video games are outlawed completely! We must protect our First Amendment rights!"

I'm am so sick and tired of these idiotic remarks. Every time someone tries to pass a law about video games, two or three more threads about it appear on numerous gaming forums, filled with several pages of "preaching to the choir" garbage about how unconstitutional it is to stop minors from buying video games not suitable for minors.

We already have laws that restrict our freedom of speech.

Norm: I got a plane full of people saying you threatened that stewardess.
Greg Focker: I was not threatening her. I was just trying to get my bag into the overhead storage thing...
Norm: You were acting like a maniac and you threatened her with a bomb.
Greg Focker: No, I said I didn't have a bomb.
Norm: But you said bomb.
Greg Focker: I said, "It's not like I have a bomb".
Norm: You said "Bomb" on an airplane.
Greg Focker: What's wrong with saying 'Bomb' on an airplane?
Norm: You can't say 'Bomb' on an airplane!
Greg Focker: Bomb bomb bomb, bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb bomb. You gonna arrest me? Bomb bomb bomb bomb! During the war I was a BOMBadier!

As for freedom of expression, there are age limits placed on explicit movies, music, and pornography, but if we allow a similar law for video games to pass, then Jack Thompson will suddenly have the power to completely eradicate the industry from existence? We're not dealing with a comic book villain, people! It's one thing to regulate a freedom, but an actual banning would be way too blatant to succeed. Just look at the prohibition America tried to pass with the eighteenth amendment. We know, for a fact, beer is bad for our health, but that didn't stop the twenty-first amendment from succeeding. The potential harm in playing video games isn't even an absolute problem. Restriction would only be a safety precaution; not the first step of gaming's inevitable downfall.

Do any of you seriously believe the lawyers representing the industry are doing so to protect the First Amendment? If it was a punishable crime to sell M-rated video games to minors, then fewer children with cautious parents would be able to buy them. They fight for higher profits, just like any other business would.

As it is now, many families can not afford to have a stay-at-home parent, yet they should always have the spare time to check everything their child does? And children, especially teenagers, are not so innocent that they won't lie about what they are doing either. Show mom and dad a different box with an acceptable rating on it and wait for them to leave the room before continuing the game. If one of them stay to watch, save it and quit, or play something else until they are gone.

"Oh, but parents knowingly hand their children money to buy these games."

Who here was never able to manipulate their parents at one point or another? My dad gave me $10 a week for school lunches. I usually skipped lunch in order to save the money for games and MTG cards. He never caught on to it. Some might use the allowance they earn each week under the trust that they won't waste it on things they shouldn't have... but I guess that would be the parents fault (It's hard telling them that they can't trust their children nowadays, isn't it?). A child can also use money he received during the holidays, or cash in his old games for store credit. All he'd have to do is hide it when he gets home, and play it when no one is around to see him. As for the retailers, how much do those people make standing behind that counter? Do many of them even receive benefits? Wal-Mart employees don't care about doing a great job for that sort of money. Punishment is usually the only way to motivate these employees, and a law to criminalize selling mature titles to minors will promptly cause more of them to check for ID.

The thing I really hate about this particular topic is the number of under-aged gamers posting their complaints about it. You little punks have no say in this! That's like asking pedophiles if they think sex with children should be legal. This isn't to say old gamers are any better.

"I played mature games when I was child, and they didn't affect me."

There are a couple of factors to consider before blurting this out, with the first being the difference in eras. There were far fewer people in the 1970s and 80s, with a more relaxed society. As a therapist, my dad was always the busiest during the school year. When life is more structured, problem children become more obvious. They have more trouble abiding by all the rules laid out in front of them. This leads to more stress and more aggravation, and if one of these kids goes home and starts becoming irritated by constant fragging, ganking, or alleged hacking, who knows what they'll do out of anger? Those are merely the online games. Offline can be just as bad, but it's normally a more influential danger, than one caused by rage.

My best friend and I would watch wrestling together as children, betting on who would win, enjoying the obvious story lines and terrible dialogue (as any true American should), but afterwards, Jeremy would usually want us to participate in our own fights. This guy was 6'5'', even at the age of 15, and heavily outweighed me. I rarely enjoyed be his sparing dummy, because I had been hurt on several occasions, including landing on my leg improperly.

Jeremy has minor mental issues. He talks like a normal individual, dresses himself correctly the first time he tries, and his hands aren't covered with wounds from trying to use a fork properly, but some TV shows, like wrestling, encourage him to re-enact what he saw. Apply this to a similar child with access to firearms. Do you think this can't happen? I'm not saying passing a law would stop these sorts of problems, but I'm sure it would diminish them.

"Well, in that instance, it is the parent's fault for not being more careful with their guns."

Maybe so, but with the Second Amendment, we can't stop Americans from bearing arms, and the NRA does all it can to prevent "unconstitutional" restrictions from forcing us to learn to use and care for them before purchase.

Even without guns, who hasn't had their car broken into? I never got the chance to play the PS2 my brother bought me, because it was stolen shortly before we left to take it back to my dorm room. Granted, Grand Theft Auto doesn't tell children to go out do this, but it does glorify it, and for some, that's all it takes.

Another factor is the degree of content found in today's gaming. How can we compare our childhood gaming to the stuff found in Eternal Darkness, Silent Hill, Gears of War, and Crackdown?

What did we have to fear back then?

Small pixel zombies and creepy chip music?

Blocky, bloated Nazis guarding treasure chests?

Patrick Stewart?

Nudity in gaming was scarier than that!

*Censored*

Who's the target audience of this crap? Legophiles?

Plus, a lot of violence wasn't senseless back then.

Totally justifiable!

Pass the law. If the parents believe their kids shouldn't have these games, it's easier to enforce that rule with store clerks checking for identification. For the smarter ones, I'm sure they'll be able to convince mom and dad to purchase Halo 3 when it arrives.

I know what you are saying. Parents should do this and retailers should do that, but there are a lot of things people, in general, should be doing. Gamers under 17 should learn to respect the rating system. I should be using my spring break to complete my bibliographic essay. Viz Media should stop making more Pokemon movies. Too bad life doesn't work out the way it should.

Just put aside your self-serving bias and outrageous beliefs long enough to really consider what sort of impact this would have on the industry. Minors won't be allowed to buy R-rated games. That's it. We still have beer. We still have movies. We still have books, music, and sweet, sweet porn. Why would it be any different for this?

Not Knowing When to Stop 3: Jusdie, X!

2007-02-11T16:25:00.000-05:00

Hopefully, LiabeBrave has returned to his wordy, though vastly superior, blog, because a new semester of college means I'll be providing fewer reasons for you all to hate me for the next couple of months. A terrible loss to the blogging community, I'm sure.

With X4, players will now have the opportunity to take control of either X or Zero from start to finish. The bonus is that choosing one of them will not feel like a retread for those wishing to complete the game with the other. Each hunter comes with his own attacks, strategies, and storyline, while each boss comes with his own obnoxious "WARNING" signal. The animated cut-scenes are fun to watch, but not to listen to. I found myself nearly doubling the volume in order to hear the voices. X speaks with a high-pitched, sissy voice similar to that of the original blue bomber.

Everything else is the same. Surprised?

The developers prefer you choose X first, since it's with him that you'll witness the conversation between General and a cloaked individual with familiar face paint. While the big man may refuse to declare war on the humans, it isn't long before the Repliforce begins an assault on the Sky Lagoon. It's up to (insert your choice) and only (insert your choice) to handle this mission, because (insert the one you didn't choose) is busy (insert masturbation joke) elsewhere.

In a nutshell, you make your way through the debris, beat up a bunch of weaklings, talk with Magma Dragoon about what's happening, teleport to the ground, beat up more weaklings, hop out of a pit trap, and destroy the mecha dragon (possibly for the second time) who doesn't put up a real fight, because he's the first boss and all first bosses suck.

"Ok, they get it. Now, shut the f*** up!"

With X, you'll meet up with an uncooperative Colonel who'd rather start a war than put down his weapon and talk. Under normal situations, I could understand his mistrust, but he's face to face with the guy who saved their planet three times already. I think we can give X the benefit of the doubt.

"You will all die for the sake of my honor!"

With Zero, you'll find Iris, the Colonel's sister, lying helpless on the ground. After you take out the mecha dragon, the Colonel will be grateful, but equally unwilling to disarm.

**Missing: her beret and chest.**

With this, General declares war on the humans. Sigma laughs manically.

Once Zero returns to base, he finds Iris waiting for him. She begs him to not fight her brother, but as a maverick hunter, he has no choice. When X returns, he is greeted by a different pair of breasts:

Double is a rookie hunter who stands by Mega Man's side throughout much of the game. There isn't much to say about him, since he never actually does anything to help you.

Both heroes must fight eight maverick bosses, but in X4, they will converse with the enemy before the battle. Usually, it's a final attempt to convince the maverick to "end the coup." This may not seem like a big deal to many of you, but it does signify a real purpose for them to fight. They're not just waiting around for you to find them, like heavily-armed cheese at the end of some dangerous maze. These guys have other things to do.

Magma might come first in the maverick order, but I prefer the arachnid. The leg upgrade is very easy to acquire, the level reminds me of Super Mario Bros. 2, and the boss is a cross between the original maverick spider from MMX1 and Squitter the Spider from Donkey Kong Country.

The maverick lives up to his name by spewing homing webs at your hunter throughout the entire battle. With a little practice (very little), you can dash underneath most of them. If you rather play it safe, climb the wall and leap over each one. Other than that, Web will spend much of his time impersonating a pinata. When his end draws near, Web will construct a giant web in the middle of the room and scurry around on it. X has nothing to worry about, but Zero's close range can be a problem (a minor one).

Defeating him will grant X the Lightning Web, which allows him to reach higher areas, and will allow Zero to unleash a slow and powerful burst of electricity known as the Rajingeki technique.

**Also known as Gemini Man's penis**

Split Mushroom lives in a bio lab full of spikes. Nearly everything has some sort of pointy protrusion sticking out of it. Just be glad that most of those pricks aren't fatal.

Split will cling to the wall and drop featureless clones of himself onto the ground. They will then begin to spin in your direction. It's best to jump over the first one, wait for the next to fly by, and continue on with the pattern. If you have lightning, feel free to strike. The shock will interrupt his inital attack, causing him to resort to his second strategy.

You may have seen it before. The fungus will leap into the air, create a true clone of himself, and the two of them will move around in a circle. It's your job to hit the real one, but that won't be easy, since they will be rotating at different speeds. Once again, if you have lightning, just keep hitting him with it. He'll never have a chance to fight back.

Defeating him will grant Zero the ability to double jump, and will allow Mega Man to clone himself with Soul Body.

Magma Dragoon is a traitor from the 14th Unit who can easily pummel anyone and everyone foolish enough to battle him first. Luckily, you have the option to challenge this Akuma wannabe from within a ride armor. You'll probably wipe out about half of Dragoon's life bar before your armor falls apart. At this point, you may have the advantage, but don't get complacent. Dragoon is still a dangerous opponent. I prefer to fight Magma with a few heart tanks and/or one of the energy tanks for support, but that's just me.

For such a difficult opponent, you'd think the reward would be something special. Both attacks, the Rising Fire and the Ryuenjin, allow your hunter to strike enemies directly above him. It sounds useful, but over the years, many fans have grown accustomed to Mega Man's inability to raise his arm another 90 degrees. It's not even a convenient weapon to use as a counterattack against the game's obligatory ice maverick. Don't worry. You'll be thankful to have it when you run into the bald reaper.

Out of the frying pan, and into the freezer.

If you wanted to begin the game with Frost Walrus, then by all means, go get him! He is nothing more than your standard big-n-slow boss with a huge disadvantage against long-range fire. His attacks include shooting ice from his mouth, creating obstacles with his cold breath, and sliding on his tummy. Think of him as a more blubbery version of Chill Penguin.

**Sorry, but I couldn't find a picture of "Big Jim" Sweeney**

On the plus side, he's probably the toughest of all the video game walruses.

Once you finish off four of the mavericks, Colonel will wish to battle you. If you're Zero, you get to watch a cut-scene. If you're X, the fight is suppose to determine whether or not the war continues. You defeat him, he flees, and the war continues. Dumb, f***ing liar.

Throughout much of the stage, you'll be chasing after Jet Stingray. At first, he'll try to distance himself by removing the dead weight stuck to his tail. It's best to leap over this obstacle, but if you time it just right, your vehicle should be able to dash right through Irwin's lifeless corpse unscathed.

Skimming through the walkthroughs of Gamefaq.com, I believe too much is said about fighting this guy. All I had to do was stand behind him with Zero and repeatedly jump and swing at his back. No special weapons needed. With X, I stood under him, jumped, and stopped him from attacking by using the frost tower. Without that attack, this guy is a real prick.

Slash Beast is an enigma. If you have no life or friends (and use Purin as an avatar), you'll spend an hour or two finding answers for the mysteries of this maverick:

First, if it's his job to protect the train, why is he not on it? I practically wiped out everything, including the floor I stood on, before he made an appearance.

Second, when he does make his appearance, he is fast enough to run alongside the train, but utilizes none of that speed during our battle?

Third, as Slash hops aboard the train, he lands on top of one of the cargo boxes. Once again, wasn't it his job to protect those? Perhaps he was trying to intimidate me.

"Very good, but [metal box] not hit back!"

Finally, I'd like to know which old kung-fu movie this line was inspired by: "Challenging my unit was both foolish and reckless! You are nothing more than my prey... One that is soon to be retired!"

Slash Beast's strategy is similar to that of Slash Man, but a little more difficult. As you can tell by now, this seems to be the trend with the eight mavericks.

Peacock's stage is set up like an obstacle course. Heat-seeking triangles, flying light bulbs, and even special appearances by the megatanks from Code Lyoko will do everything possible to stop you from attaining a perfect score.

Don't EVER watch this cartoon!

You are graded on how well you perform, and regardless of how slow and pitiful you are, Cyber will say the same thing every time:

"Peacock: His potential... is limitless?! ...not possible."

He's tough, but you'll never have to worry about him fighting back, since he's one of those robot masters who are at a tremendous disadvantage against anyone who exploits his weakness.

Storm Eagle's dumpy, younger brother.

Shoot the hooter with the Aiming Laser, a difficult-to-use targeting weapon of limited range, or use the Rakuhouha, Zero's energy-consuming giga attack. I wish I could say more about him, but Storm Owl, much like Tony Hawk, has absolutely no personality worth mentioning.

Once the final maverick has been defeated, the entire Repliforce army retreats into space, and all the boss battles here on out will now include one or two lines of vocal taunting.

You're first opponent will be a rematch with the Colonel at the space port. Iris will beg Zero for mercy, but you already know how this is gonna go down.

"I swear that I probably won't flee this time if you win."

Any damage you receive before reaching the Colonel will be in his favor. There are no health tanks near the end of the stage, so be careful.

The fight will be straightforward and boring. His only new attack involves turning his sword into a lightning rod. You shouldn't have too much trouble with him, but if you're looking for a quick win, Frost Tower and Kuuenzan will do nicely.

When you return to HQ, you may want to refill your tanks and locate any remaining heart pieces and body parts before proceeding to the Final Weapon.

With X, you'll get to watch a neat video clip (I'm sure you can find it on YouTube) that shows Double's transformation into whom many refer to as "Jello Man."

"There's always room for beatings!"

Double can be quite a handful. It's best to use only the X-Buster for this match, because if he is struck by the Double Cyclone (his weakness), Jello will retaliate with flying, laser bots.

...and that's where babies come from!

Iris is not all that compatible with the battle armor she wears during the fight. Once you hit her a few times, a purple crystal will leave her body and float around the area, firing at you vertically, in conjuction with her horizontal beam. The crystal is the only vulnerable spot, so don't waste your time trying to hit on Iris, unless you know she's good and drunk.

I may be mistaken, but I believe Iris is the first female boss in a Mega Man game; beating Tron Bonne by a few months.

**She's also featured as a centerfold in the June 2000 issue of Almost Legal magazine**

After your first hard-fought battle, you get to participate in another one, but first...

an overdramatic death scene!

I don't understand why she has to be dead. Couldn't Zero just have her rebuilt; or, at the very least, make love to her lifeless corpse? No need for her death to be in vain.

"You're a queer!"

General is a massive reploid.

An idea of how big this guy really is.

As you approach him, General will stand up, causing his chair to explode (I don't know why). He will gradually make his way across the room using a pair of jets whose blue flame will hurt if your hunter gets too close. He'll also stomp the ground, breaking the floor under him and causing more blue fire to shoot up out of it (I don't know where it came from). You'll need to reach his face, if you want to win this thing. Like Sigma and Wily before him, General will provide you with a pair of platforms in the form of his hands. Sounds generous enough, except when he shoots at you as you're trying to get into position. There's always a catch, isn't there?

X may be able to keep his distance and fire him while clinging to the wall, but using Zero is going to require some practice. You're best bet is to strike at his head while jumping over him. Even with the fists to hop on, it's not likely that you'll have enough time to leap at him and connect with your saber before one of his projectiles stun you.

As Tiny crumbles, you finds out that he is no longer in control of the weapon, which is now pointed at the planet.

Fight the eight Repliforce mavericks again, you say? OK!

Victory attainment procedure: just add fire

Grim Sigma isn't much of a threat to your life bar, but when you come face-to-face-to-face with Sigma's third form(s), you're really gonna want to have as much health as possible.

Sigma has been remunerated for his appearance.

As long as his scythe is never thrown into the ground, there is a chance for you to come out of this unharmed. Unfortunately, you will need the leg upgrade and a handful of luck to do it.

Two heads are better than one, but let's add three more just in case.

At the start of this battle, Sigma has graciously provided your hunter with a pellet of health. As I said, it is possible to not take damage in the second round, but highly unlikely. This little gift allows for a small margin of error. Be thankful.

The lesser of two evils clings to the wall, firing a laser gun that prevents him from moving his arm during each shot. Just don't stare into the gun's barrel and you should have no problem with this part.

In between the two forms, you'll have to deal with red, blue, and yellow. Blow them up if you want to, but the attack won't last long, and the three will be back to help/hurt you during a brief assault by Sigma's hideous second form.

Here's where I had the most trouble. When he appears, if you try to keep your distance, Sigma will blow you into a wall of spikes. If you get too close, he'll try to suck you in. With X, you can keep dashing against the wind, firing your arm cannon into his nasty, metallic mouth, but with Zero, you'll need to a bit more precise with your positioning (as shown in the image above). If you have X's lingering arm upgrade, the stationary blast will continuously damage baldy and nullify most of the spewing debris he inhaled earlier.

The ending isn't interesting, but none of the Mega Man endings are, and I doubt any of them ever will be.

Sigma goes for global destruction, but with no success. Thanks, big guy!

Both hunters dwell on the past and worry about the future (so, what else is new?), but if you still don't know where Zero came from, then you have something worth playing for.

It's hard to not like X4. Every aspect of the X series was mildly improved upon. It may feel like you're just getting more of the same thing, but in reality, you're getting more of the same thing!

And for a moment, I thought Capcom had a good thing going, but, in X5 and 6, too many changes and additions ruin the series.

Who could the mysterious voice be?

It all begins with Mysterious Voice and ?? having a conversation about how to deal with the maverick hunters. ?? wants to know if X and Zero are as strong as Mysterous Voice claims them to be. Mysterious Voice tells ?? to observe as he does battle with them.

Defeating Sigma's giant floating head releases the Sigma Virus, which have become actual floating obstacles for X. Ok, this doesn't make sense. Computer viruses are not real viruses, and even if they were, they should not be seen by the human eye (or even with a light microscope), nor should they be able to move about freely from their hosts. Four games go by with us trying to contain this plague, and now Sigma somehow figures out how to unleash his virus in the form ghostlike heads of himself? Of course, as a Mega Man fan, it's our duty to turn a blind eye towards any attempt by Capcom to flesh out the story, no matter how desperate they become to create an interesting plot.

Case in point, you have new allies (Alia, Douglas, and Signas) to provide more idiotic conversation, but no actual support, and a new arch rival named Dynamo:

"X! Tell us about your feelings!"

He's as overconfident as Bass, but comes with a personality as well.

As if the return of Sigma, the arrival of Dynamo, and the illogical flying swarms of purple people possessers isn't outlandish enough, the Eurasia Space Colony has exploded, and it's going to crash into the planet unless you hurry up and find the four mavericks who have the parts needed to activate some old, powerful cannon capable of destroying it.

Still not enough suspense?

Well, the letter B has gone maverick, waging war on the rest alphabet!

There is also a time limit to worry about, with you being ranked by your performance, and to earn extra goodies, the 8 robots must be fought at levels 4 or higher.

More, Capcom! More!

Ok. How about the addition of more upgrades?

Dr. Light must have had a lot of free time after creating X, considering all the new sets of armor he created and hid throughout the world. These include the Falcon, Gaea, Hyper, Nova, Blade, and Shadow armors.

What put me over the edge was the inclusion of this prick!

"I'm baaaaack. Come give your old friend a hug."

I've never defeated the yellow devil from the first Mega Man game, and I've grown to hate every other devil because of it.

Sigma's final form takes after one of Wily's contraptions, and is just as easy to destroy.

If Zero went Maverick, X will be saved by another "??" individual and lose all his memory of Zero. If Zero remains an ally, he dies saving your blue butt. X gets to keep his sword, but that still leaves me wondering about how robots can die.

Zero continues to think about Iris, Sigma, and his creator. Riveting.

As for X6, let's make this brief:

Gate finds Zero's DNA (don't ask), turns evil, makes robots called "nightmares" to transform innocent robots into mavericks. If you destroy them, you can collect their souls (don't ask). Somehow, collecting souls allows you to use more parts (don't ask).

Assisting him is High Max, a hulking moron that you'll hate dealing with in the near future, and while dealing with the other 8 mavericks, you discover their willingness to help Gate, regardless of whether or not they see him as a villian.

Even with the Shadow armor, this guy is a pain.

F*** you, Metal Shark Player!

It was only a matter of time before a dung beetle would go maverick.

Reaching the end is difficult, even with all the parts and armors to assist you. Once you defeat Gate, Sigma will finally make his appearance. He wasn't around for the rest of the game, but we all knew he had to be lurking somewhere.

Look out below!

In his first form, Sigma will fall to ground, landing headfirst into the floor. He'll slowly pick himself up and shuffle across the floor in a seemingly drunken stupor, using a green shield for protection and firing small orbs of energy first, then unleashing large blasts of energy later in the battle. The metal anchor will cause him to fall backwards, but enough shots from your X buster will have the same effect. He shouldn't be too much trouble, but even if he was, his other form isn't much stronger.

He may look impressive, but Sigma has lost his mind.

Having gone unconscious, Sigma runs on sheer determination and hatred for you. What a trooper!

There are three endings, and all of them suck.
1. X and Alia talk about repairing Gate.
2. X and Alia are greeted by Zero who then quickly leaves them.
3. Zero goes into slumber for over 100 years.

Once you've completed all six games, feel free to enjoy the Mario Kart knock-off of Mega Man Battle & Chase. Sure, the racing looks awful, but I still managed to enjoy myself.

"I own the road, motherf***ers!"

Not Knowing When to Stop 2: The Stopping Continues

2006-12-16T15:29:00.000-05:00

The X Collection is Capcom's second (and lesser) compilation of Mega mediocrity, featuring only six of the X games and one unlockable racer that was not previous released in the US. On the plus side, I paid half as much as I did for the Mega Man 15th Anniversary Collection, so I shouldn't complain about the exclusion of Mega Man X7 and X8. I just think it'd just be nice to have the entire series, you know?

Before I talk about the games, I'd just like to point out the little side note found on the back of container and on page 21 of the instructional booklet that refers to Nubytech's "EASY TO HOLD AND USE" Mega Man X controller that was "SPECIALLY CREATED with the TRUE FAN in mind."

Apparently, you will perform better on this particular game if you use the Nubytech device, instead of a standard controller that lacks the "special CHARACTER ART." Not buying it? Perhaps you'll change your mind when you read the unbiased testimonies of some of your favorite Mega Man X characters:

Dr. Light - "BRILLIANT!"

Sigma - "THIS CONTROLLER BLEW ME AWAY!"

Zero - "AAARRF I WANT ONE!"

Would fictional characters owned by Capcom lie to us in caps lockian fashion?

There's also an ad on the last page of the booklet for various Mega Man X candy despensers. These include gumball banks, figurines, keychains, pens, and (my personal favorite) a blue wrist band with a treat-filled Mega Man X head attached to it that any Capcom fanatic can strap to his pale, flabby arm. What better way to ward off those women who surround you and block your vision of the TV?

"Remember what we talked about, baby. Sigma first, sex later. Grab me a Bawls, will ya?"

So, the story begins with a now geezerfied Dr. Cain (remember him?) who uncovers the buried lab of Dr. Light and brings to life the designer's greatest creation, X. Cain is so impressed with X that he recreates the design to form a society of robots known as "reploids." A few months later, reploids go "maverick" and begin attacking people. Other reploids (known as "hunters") are brought together to fight back, but they also go maverick.

It's like trying to douse a forest fire with gasoline.

Anyway, the maverick in charge is a former hunter leader named Sigma whose sheer power, stylish bald head, and obsession with capes makes him the greatest evil our future has ever seen... or will see... or is currently seen by them, but is being foretold to those of us still living within the first decade of the 21st century. Only the combined strength of Zero and X can save us now.

Yes, the story sucks, but who expected otherwise?

The actual game begins with X making his way through a desolate highway that leads him to this purple-clad a**hole:

Vile isn't much by himself, which is probably why he is hiding inside a mech during your fight. You can't beat him, nor should you try. Once you're subdued by Vile's shoulder cannon, Zero will come in and rescue you.

It's hard to believe that Zero is a dude considering the long, flowing hair and that pair of green, robot breasts.

What follows is the standard rock-paper-scissors battles with seven of Sigma's strongest mavericks (and Chill Penguin).

The order begins with Chill Penguin for three good reasons. First, his domain is in the middle of nowhere. I don't see a legitimate reason for why I need to secure the frozen, uninhabitable peaks of a few nearby mountains, and I'm guessing Sigma didn't either when he put that pitiful pygmy in charge of protecting them.

Chilly is able to slide on his tummy, shoot blocks of ice from his mouth, and create painless snowstorms that will occasionally slide ice sculptures of himself at you. It's not a terrible array of attacks, just so long as his opponent is incapable of defying gravity for short periods of time. For beginners, simply clinging to the wall is enough to ensure a flawless victory. As for your reward, the shotgun ice is a frozen pellet of water that shatters when it hits the wall. Another effective strategy would be to buy a bag of ice and chuck the contents at any and all who would dare to ask you why you're carrying around a bag of ice in the middle of December. When charged, the weapon becomes a penguin shaped platform that will suddenly begin to slide across the floor and bounce off of the walls. A similar, but more enjoyable experience can be had while you make your way through the gallery.

There are three reasons why you should fight Storm Eagle next.

1. With the Dash Upgrade, Eagle's initial plan of action (blow you off the stage) is no longer a serious threat. If anything, he'll become an easier target for your X-Buster as he just stands there and blows wind in your face.

2. His Storm Tornado is extremely useful. The rock crusher in the gallery, the mid-level boss of the power plant, and nearly every aquatic robot floating around in the ocean are rendered harmless by this devastatingly powerful attack.

3. Defeating him will have an adverse affect on Mandrill's stage. You'll experience a few blackouts here and there, but the disappearance of those floor-hugging sparks of electricity makes it all worthwhile.

The Chameleon Sting may be his weakness, but you'll have a rough time fighting Sting for it early on.

At this point, you may choose to fight either Spark Mandrill or Flame Mammoth.

I prefer the latter.

Reaching Flame Mammoth should be a breeze for anyone who has already defeated Chilly Willy. Once that dwarf is out of the picture, Mammoth's factory freezes over, hardening the lava into igneous rock. As a result, you'll be able to avoid all the obstacles by running under them, and can pick up a nice heart-shaped reward for all your lack of effort.

Despite his appearance, I find the name "Flame Mammoth" to be a bit misleading. For a mammoth, he has neither hair nor horn to validate his title, and he weighs only 719 lbs. His weight should range between 4 to 10 tons. Mammy's girth doesn't even reach a short ton.

As for his claim to flame, this maverick barely stores enough heat to light a candle. When he's not trying to flatten you with his fat metal a**, Flamer will blow out a wad of black mucus from his trunk and eke out a small fireball or two from his arm cannon. If one of those fireballs touches the tar snot, it will ignite the booger and act as a temporary hurdle for you to leap over. This isn't as easy as it sounds. Under your feet is an obnoxious conveyor belt that Mammy can change the direction of with his trunk. It doesn't take much to lose your footing, but if, for whatever reason, you just so happen to have the B. Cutter in your sub-screen, feel free to use it to circumcise his face. This will prevent him from toying with the conveyor belt, and you won't have to worry about dodging any more of his snot blobs.

For those who don't know, a mandrill is an endangered baboon with a colorful face.

The one in the upper right-hand corner is Mr. Mandrill, the hippie guidance counselor from Cartoon Network's My Gym Partner's a Monkey. The other is called "Spanky". Spanky enjoys the taste of plants, small animals, and the fingers he used to fondle a female's genitalia.

Spark Mandrill is no slouch in battle. Normally, he likes to kicks things off by charging fistfirst into your face. A charged shot to the chin can stop the big guy dead in his tracks, but if you must avoid it, make sure to leap over him (clinging to the wall is a big no-no). Afterwards, Sparky will either send shock waves through the floor or swing across the room. In either situation, continue to unload charged shots from your X-Buster as you try your best to avoid contact, since every hit is very painful.

If you have the s. ice, then there is no need to worry. Each shot will freeze the mechanical simian in his place. Once he breaks out of his icy prison, hit him again.

"Stand back and be bored by my amazing blocking ability."

Armored Armadillo bounces off the walls, absorbs charged blasts from your X-Buster, and, for some stupid reason, shoots you with a cannon hidden within his forehead. Thanks to his armor, you won't have many opportunities to deal damage. To avoid a needlessly long and annoying battle, you need Mandrill's electric spark. One clean shot will leave Dilly naked throughout the rest of the battle. Once exposed, you no longer need to be patient with your abuse, so go nuts.

Launch Octopus happens to be my brother's favorite maverick. I don't know why, and you don't care, so moving along...

Reaching Launch might be a breeze, but fighting him is a chore best left for later. For one thing, this cephalopod is packing plenty of firepower. Even with the Rolling Shield you took from Dull Dillo, don't expect this battle to end quickly. His barrage of torpedoes will cancel out most of your attacks. The only real opportunity to deal some heavy damage is shortly after he tries to suck you into his whirlpool. Whether or not you can dodge it depends upon obtaining the Dash Upgrade. If you already have the Boomerang Cutter, this battle becomes a joke. Three hits will render him a hexaplegic, meaning no more fish missles and no more whirlpool.

Boomer Kuwanger is a teleporting cockroach who enjoys flinging his horns at you, or flinging you with his horns. Homing torpedoes simplify the match, but they're hardly necessary.

Yeah, that's it. He's a stupid, f***ing bug! What do you want? a hard fought battle? His biggest fear is a giant shoe.

There's very little to be gained from battling Sting Chameleon, which is why most people don't bother with him early on. His attacks are difficult to avoid, and the ceiling is covered with painful spikes to hinder wall jumping. To add insult to injury, the only mavericks afraid of his C. Sting are Storm Eagle and Rangda Bangda the Maverick Wall:

"I'm special!"

At least, with the arm upgrade, Sting's weapon can be used to camouflage X for a short period of time. This allows X to run past enemies quickly and safely (a welcomed ability for lazy gamers like myself).

Enjoy it now, because reaching Sigma becomes increasingly difficult with each new sequel.

In Mega Man X9, Sigma forces you to replay the entire game of Ghosts 'N Goblins.

A spider, tank, and lame death scene later, we come to the finale.

Fighting Sigma is a three-part battle that begins with his purple fleabag, Velguarder, followed by Sigma himself.

Ice the dog, zap baldy a few times, and prepare for Sigma's final form.

Merging with his pooch, Sigma's new body requires you to hop onto one of his claws, dodging two kinds of lightning and a bad case of heartburn, and wiping that smug look off of Sigma's face.

Sigma's last words:

The ending is better:

The X-Buster says, "Seven... more... games!"

The purpose of Mega Man X2 sits on the flimsy foundation of "Oops, we missed a few." Six months after X's triumph over evil (and Chill Penguin), mavericks have been detected in an abandoned warehouse, assembling a new army. After you wipe that out, eight more maverick bosses appear.

The gameplay is very similar to the previous game, with the exception of the X-Hunters:

Agile, Serges, and Violen have taken it upon themselves to rebuild Sigma. In an attempt to buy some time, each one challenges X to a little one-on-one scuffle. To ensure your participation, they each possess a part of Zero. Collect them all to reassemble your fallen comrade, and to see an alternate ending. The fights are optional, of course, and if you ignore one of them to defeat the stage's maverick boss, that X-Hunter will leave and never come back.

Violen is the only one to worry about. Even if you understand the pattern, his ball & chain attack is hard to predict. His second form is basically the same, with minor changes in technique. Even with the upgrades and additional health, the guy is not somebody you want to f*** around with. On the other hand, you could just use the Bubble Splash and laugh at his quick and shameful defeat.

Agile is the tall, purple a**hole whose hideous smirk is all the reason you need to fight him. In his second form, Agile makes a drastic change in appearance (and difficulty). The once powerful, nimble, and possibly gay swordsman has chosen to ride within a ship (also possibly gay) that continuously hovers above you and drops relatively weak spikes upon your head. He'll also unleash a couple of wayward missles that inflict minimal damage (if they actually touch you). If you find the Dragon Punch within the third section of the X-Hunters' base, a clean shot from it will drop him immediately (along with anyone else you use it on).

Serges is my favorite of the three. A crazy little reploid who floats back and forth, dropping land mines and flipping through the air, it's a treat to watch the old man (technically, he was created less than a year ago) in action. His second form, however, is not as enjoyable. Shoot the four cannons, then shoot him.

Once you're done with these three, you plow through the 8 mavericks again, and, depending upon whether or not you collected all the parts, you will face either Zero or Sigma.

Trading in his sword (and his dog), for a pair of claws, Sigma frequently disappearing and reappearing in midair hoping to land on top of you. When that doesn't work, he either comes straight at you or falls back on an old stand-by attack: firing balls of energy at you. Whatever works, right?

In his second form, Sigma looks like a reject from the original Star Fox game.

Once the stream of vomit has settled, Sigma will fall on top of it and remain unconscious for about a minute. Now's your chance! Hit him with the Strike Chain as much as you can. If his face turns red, then he is choking on his own tongue and the fight is nearly over.

The ending:

Zero promises to never leave X's side again. They make out. Agile watches from afar.

The rarest game in the X series, X3 begins with a researcher named Dr. Doppler who claims to have discovered a vaccine for the Maverick virus, however, the reploids soon discover that his anti-virus is a fake. Now overrun with mavericks, the Utopia that was Dopplertown is no more and Cain's Lab is next. Your first mission is to team up with Zero and clear out the infestation of mavericks from Cain's Laboratory.

A few welcomed changes to the X series include various clips of anime, the option to ask for Zero's help when the need arises, and four types of mech armor.

In order: Chimera, Frog, Kangaroo, and Hawk

Missing: a fire-based maverick

X3 comes with the best-looking bunch of bosses you'll ever encounter in an X game (not including Volt Catfish), and they're pretty good fighters, too, but each one possesses a weapon the likes of which are comparable to the crap you earned from Top Man, Charge Man, and Guts Man from the original series.

Worst weapon: Ray Splasher

Thanks for nothing, Neon!

With the X-Hunters gone, three new stooges appear:

You may remember Vile from the first game, or from a few minutes ago when I talked about him in this post. He nearly killed you twice, but wasted the second chance when he decided to pick you up and move you to the other side of the screen, then walk back to where Zero was being held captive, and then... nevermind. Forget it. The whole thing made no sense. Just know that he's back and in control of another mech.

His associates, Bit and Byte, are hired by Doppler to take out X. The pair feel like a last-minute addition to the game. They add very little to the storyline, and have no personality to speak of. If you don't defeat both of them by exploiting their weaknesses, they will later fuse together to create one of the stupidest names in gaming history: Godkarmachine O Inary.

Vile is not as creatively idiotic. If you do not defeat him with the Spinning Blade during the first encounter, he will come back in a bigger, stronger mech called the "Goliath." If you choose to defeat him with Zero, Vile will latch onto him and return the favor for what happened in the first game. At this point, X gets to use the Z-Sabre. Yay, a sword!

If you properly defeat all three of them, then you only have to worry about these losers. Neither one puts up much of a fight, so consider that a reward for your earlier trouble with the trio.

If battling with Dr. Wily and Dr. Cain have taught us anything, it's that doctors suck at being bosses. Doppler's only real threat is a green shield that converts your firepower into health. His weakness is the Acid Burst attack, but as I mentioned earlier, every weapon in X3 is a piece of s***, so just stick with the X-Buster.

He's tried killing X with a sword, a dog, balls of electricity, bad grammar, and a pair of claws. Naturally, the next thing on the list is pretending to be a Captain America who can also shoot fireballs. A little practice is all you need to defeat Sigma's first form, but try to reserve your sub-tanks for round 2.

Introducing Kaiser Sigma!

If this isn't f***ing overkill on his part, I don't want to know what is.

As you can figure out by now, the only weak point is Sigma's small, shiny skull. Good luck hitting it. To get an idea of how difficult this truly is, think of it in terms of trying to nail your girlfriend's G spot while her vagina constantly fires missiles at your crotch.

As a last resort, Sigma will flood the area with fire, forcing you to climb to the top before it engulfs X. Once there, you'll find yourself at a dead end, but don't worry, because the game is over for you.

Depending upon whether or not Zero is destroyed, you'll watch one of two endings. If Zero dies, then Doppler will sacrifice himself in the end. It's a win-win situation with X being the victor! Huzzah!

The other ending is a repeat of the same crap we've seen twice before.

Due to time restraints, I will have to write the other half of this entry later. If, however, a bunch of you are already bored, then I will simply skip X4, 5, and 6 and focus on my next mind-numbingly dumb post, instead.

Holiday Update

2006-11-24T03:59:00.000-05:00

Basically, I'm just letting everyone know where I've been and what I've been doing for the past few weeks, so I apologize if you were hoping for one of my idiotic entries. I'll get back to that (hopefully) right after my final exams. Please be patient (as if anyone cares).

First, let me start by saying:

It wasn't enough that Dallas ruined the winning streak of the Colts. Oh no, no, no. They went on ahead to stomp the life out of Tampa Bay, thus proving that Cowboys > Pirates. What better way to celebrate the holiday than to watch America's Team win one for Big D?

Of course, Maximus and I would like to wish you all a happy Thanksgiving weekend.

For me, it was a small dinner this year (only four of us). I slept until noon, then played a few games of Magic: the Gathering with my brother during the Dolphins/Lions game. Ian and I decided to give Mojo a bath.

By the time we were finished, his black hair was all over the place. Seriously, I have never seen a dog shed so much at once, and I hope I never see it again. After that, I watched the Cowboys beat the Bucs and the movie Zathura.

Maximus ate and drank 'til he passed out. Then, he vomited. Then, he passed out next to his vomit.

That's it.

I finally bought myself a Nintendo DS. I'll probably get a Wii next year, because I already have enough games on the GC and GBA that I still haven't finished (and because I don't have the money).

Tetris DS is my first and only game for the portable right now. I love all the new modes, but I find the endless marathon to be a bit too easy.

If you can't tell by my crappy cellphone image, the high score is maxed out at 99,999,999. It took five days to obtain all of those points, and, of course, when I finally ended the game, it wouldn't record the score. I wasn't surprised. Why do you think I took a picture of my accomplishment before I allowed the game to end?

Don't ask me for my friend code. I don't have any clue on how to use Wi-Fi, and I'm too lazy to find a hotspot and figure it out.

I also got my hands on the Mega Man X Collection. I've managed to beat the first four X games, but I will need to go back and search out the remaining items for each one if I wish to unlock all of the collection's secrets. My roommate prevented me from continuing the X series, once he found out that I had only managed to beat Mega Mans 2, 3, 6, and 7. Apparently, I'm not allowed to play other Mega Man games unless I have completed the first four in the original series. It was my choice to continue on and beat the remaining titles. Now, I can officially say that I have beaten all 10 games in the Mega Man 15th Anniversary Collection.

Yay me!

When I am done with the X Collection, I'll make sure to type up "Not Knowing When to Stop 2" just for you, Quart-Bo... you pickled, Canadian prick.

My dad finally managed to make his way up to Virginia, taking my beloved baby girl, Sissy, with him. I'm sure she's fine with Cousin Mia's children playing with her. Everytime I see a dog on TV, I think about her. When I get the chance, I release all of my pent-up love onto Mojo. Fortunately, I took plenty of pictures before she and Susie Q left.

If anyone needs me, I'll be getting my new computer hooked up shortly. The case, and only the case, has been delivered so far, but the rest is soon follow. Newegg nearly lost the order when Ian noticed my shipping information had disappeared from the account. A big, delaying mistake on their part, but on the bright side... ok, so there is no bright side. Their incompetence nearly cost me $1000+ and, now, I will obtain my computer a week and a half late. Perhaps the rest of it will arrive tomorrow and I'll be able to use it to study the online notes for my Genetics exam. *Crosses fingers*

Ian's Insight 4

2006-10-13T23:22:00.000-05:00

Many concerned parents have been led astray by the news. Scared each night by stories about pedophiles, murderers, and President Bush, many trick-or-treaters are being forced into the streets from 3 to 6 PM, when there is still plenty of light outside. There's nothing wrong with playing it safe, right? Let's just forget about the fact that your children are sweltering in their own costumes, while their treats are being reduced to pennies, candy corn, and multicolored wrappers all floating around in a pool of melted chocolate. It's not just atmosphere, but common sense. You don't send your kids out on Halloween during the day! Oh, but what about all those monsters that go bump in the night? Well, you're in luck, because my brother has taken time from his busy schedule of coaching the Tennessee Titans to victory to provide us with his insight on how to survive this spook-filled holiday.

"Halloween is near! I've written a handy guide for you.

In my life I have had to defend myself from, and even kill Vampires, Souls of the damned, Hyundais, and yes, even Vampires.

Praying to Zeus can go a long way in warding off the unwanted advances of a vampire at a saucy disco, but I stand by John Madden's philosophy that the best defense is a good offense like the Hail Mary. Grab a hunk of turducken, pop in your favorite Credence tape, and buckle up, because it's going to be a wild ride!

Werewolves

Overview: To this day it is unknown whether lycanthropy, or the condition of being a werewolf or similar shape changing monster, is a communicable disease, some sort of genetic aberrance, or the result of a gypsy curse. What we do know about werewolves is that they combine the less cool aspects of giant man-eating wolves with human cannibals to form a really huge man-wolf sort of creature rarely seen outside the realm of furry porn. Supposedly people with lycanthropy only change into this wolf form during the full moon, but those of you who believe that have obviously never worked the trucker shift at a Perkins restaurant. I think at least 30% of the patrons after about three in the morning are either werewolves or goblins and the remaining 70% are a huge amorphous creature not unlike "The Blob" except made out of mesh-backed hats, NASCAR shirts, and flannel jackets

Danger Posed: Werewolves are fairly dangerous. When someone turns into a werewolf they lose all control over their normal faculties and revert to animal instincts, which usually mean they eat the nearest thing with a pulse. In some cases this may be nothing more than a goat or something, in others it may be you and chances are the werewolf wants to eat you more than you want to not be eaten by it.

Defeating Werewolves: The first thing you need to remember when tangling with a werewolf is that as big, strong, and toothy as they may be, they are not really much smarter than your average household pet. One of the easiest ways to frighten them off is by screaming "no!" or "bad!" and menacing them with a rolled up newspaper or shoe. Sometimes the werewolf's common dog sense might be overwhelmed by its need to eat your skull, in which case brute force is the only method that works. Tractors are excellent for driving over werewolves, as are steam rollers and 18 wheelers. They can be dodgy so be prepared to use throwing knives or some sort of improvised bola to immobilize them before running them down.

Ghosts

Overview: Most of you know that when we die our souls depart this mortal coil to the realm of Valhalla where we celebrate our lives as warrior at long banquet tables day in and day out. Sometimes when a warrior dies in the midst of battle he feels unfulfilled and is doomed to wander the earth tormenting the living. This is usually accomplished by emerging from walls, making objects levitate, moaning from inside walls, appearing on film as translucent dots, and appearing in mansions full of really crappy puzzles. Because of their insubstantial nature, ghosts can take on a number of forms. This means that it can be difficult to recognize the same ghost seen a second time, which raises the question of tagging ghosts in the wild. Since most bullets and tracking devices will simply pass through ghosts the best method for tagging them is to carve identifying marks into their head or chest with a magical dagger, usually after subduing them with some form of warding circle.

Danger Posed: Ghosts only rarely pose a physical threat to those in their immediate vicinity and even this is usually an indirect result of panicked behavior in the face of their spooky antics. Much more frequently they just turn your life into shit by being total freeloaders on your valued property. They'll float around through any wall at any time of day or night, levitate your books like they own them, leave ectoplasm all over the fucking place, and bleed out of your electrical sockets whenever they feel like it. If you tell them to get off their ass and earn their keep they'll float up into the attic and sulk for a couple days with those goddamn chains. They're just a serious pain to have around, especially the Indian warriors from the burial ground you built your pool on top of. They will just stand over your bed and point accusingly at you for hours on end and believe me, if you had trouble jerking off in front of the cat imagine how bad it's going to be with some Sioux warrior with two centuries of betrayal in his eyes. No matter how loud you turn up "Dirty Talkin' Blowjobs Volume 14" it won't be loud enough to drown out the spectral pathos.

Defeating Ghosts: Ghosts have no physical presence so they can't be defeated in the traditional sense, but they can be forced to leave your area with a disciplined regimen of ghost one-upmanship. Watch your ghost's behavior and carefully record its various methods of trying to frighten you. Once you feel you have a pretty complete list it's time to start showing the ghost how things are done. If it's levitating furniture then you need to build a device that shoots furniture at high velocity around the room. Does that son of a bitch make the walls ooze blood? Time to hook up some high-pressure pipes to wall spigots and fire massive columns of blood out of the walls! Don't forget about the moaning, a couple crying babies, a staple gun, and a few police megaphones and you have a room of horrors to put even the moaniest ghost to shame. Do these things and any others that would trump your phantasmal friend and before you know it he'll be heading on to greener and less emasculating pastures.

Vampires

Overview: Vampires are immortal denizens who have contracted a disease transmitted by the bite of a vampire. They crave blood, both human and animal, but unlike werewolves they are like this at all times and only when desperate for blood do they become animalistic. They can usually be easily identified by their manner of dress which can include mesh tank tops, leather pants or chaps, bejeweled cod pieces, Madonna or Diana Ross costumes. Most vampires are in exceedingly good shape other than what are known as "bear vampires" which tend to be hirsute and portly with a predilection towards leather vests and creepy rubber cowboy boots. Bear vampires are like the leaders of the vampires so pray that you do not have to face one of them.

Danger Posed: Vampires generally attack in special vampire clubs where they hold macabre bacchanals in which many of them dress up as members of the opposite sex. There have been several notable vampire hunters throughout the years although most recently powerful vampire mind-slaves in the government have made slaying vampires a "hate crime" with severe legal repercussions. Those Washington fat-cat vampire slaves want to legislate away our constitutional right to tie a vampire to a wooden fence and beat it until it turns to ash. Meanwhile the vampires will probably soon have the right to marry each other, which is just sick, sick, sick people. Wake up America!

Defeating Vampires: The first thing you want to do whenever you're going to bag a vampire is lay down a tarp. Depending on the specific type of vampire they will either turn into ash, which is hard to get out of even Berber stain shield carpet, or they'll dissolve into a smoking puddle of goo which can eat through floorboards in an hour. Once I staked a vampire to a structural beam and when I came back the next morning half of the freaking building had collapsed in on itself. The act of slaying a vampire is pretty simple; either cut off their head or drive a wooden stick through their heart. Sunlight also works but unless you're Ra, you don't really have the power to shine the sun wherever you want.

I hope I have prepared you well for the journey into the den of evils that awaits you. Preparedness can go a long way but when you're facing down a cacodemon the only thing between you and digesting slowly in its belly are your weapons and skills. Hone that fighting edge and you might just stand a chance."

Ian's Insight 3

2006-10-01T12:40:00.000-05:00

If you don't know already, Ian is my brother. Once in a blue moon, he has something to talk about, and I'm more than happy to be an outlet for his thoughts. His work is quoted, so the only changes I made were the font type, font color, and removing the extra spaces between his paragraphs. The colors are just there to make it a bit easier to read. Enjoy!

"Guide to finding an apartment

Recently, I've been looking for a new place to live.
I thought I would write a guide for those of you who may, in the near future, look for a new apartment. The following is a collection of many common descriptions used in apartment description guides. I have translated each description to it's "real" meaning, providing a thorough explanation of each phrase.

"the convenience is unmatched!" - Apartment complex is situated between Dairy Queen, 7-11, and a Target. Prepare for lots of filthy people passing outside your apartment pushing shopping carts full of NASCAR tubesocks all day.

"the serenity is incredible!" - All other tenants are 100-year old mummies who spend all day decomposing. Playing any kind of music or television show will result in a fine. Walking across your living room later than 10:00 pm will result in Police action. Using a blender is grounds for an expulsion or death penalty.

"separate clusters of apartment homes are spread out amongst wide-open lawns" - Place is full of overgrown weeds and blades of grass the size of totem poles. Lawn hasn't been mowed since the late 17th century.

"easy access to the highway" - Apartments are along the median of I-95. The sound of passing traffic and honking horns will keep you from ever getting an hour of sleep. You will learn to have conversations by constantly yelling at the top of your lungs.

"several pools and saunas are available for use" - Unfixable leak in the drainage / sewage system ensures a large collection of filthy canals and puddles all across the property. Some of these puddles have been heated thanks to the severed electrical lines which litter the walkway.

"Award-winning architectural design boasts an incredible patio."
"lakefront property available" - The above-mentioned drainage system leak has caused a gigantic swamp to form where apartments C 102 - D 206 previously were. Apartments surrounding the "lakefront property" are equipped with reinforced glass windows to prevent the 500-pound mosquitoes from crashing into the living room and implanting eggs into the owner's children.

"includes a state-of-the-art fitness center" - There are two broken exercise bikes with shattered LED screens inside a barren room. If the complex is truly "upscale", there will also be a television set that only picks up a static-filled PBS and some Spanish channel that features a gameshow where contestants must dress up as the opposite sex and propose to a man in an ape suit.

"features a sand volleyball court" - The place used to be a golf course before they tossed up apartments all over the area. Sand traps were originally converted to glass bottle recycling areas until the owner found a net along the highway. He decided to put it up in order to attract noisy drunk college students who want to play volleyball at 2:00 am and pass out in the "state-of-the-art fitness center".

"apartments are a paradise of luxury and amenities" - There are functioning toilets in most bathrooms. Trees outside provide shade for when the shingles on the roofs fall off or are stolen.

"full of captivating charm" - Apartments haven't been remodeled since the 100 Years War.

"provides six lighted tennis courts" - Courts are fully lighted... in the daytime.

"we provide unparalleled attention to detail and customer service" - Police will show up within three hours of your murder.

"jogging tracks are adjacent to the community" - There is a sidewalk outside your apartment. Jogging is the preferred method of travel because it effectively doubles the chance that you won't be mugged while trying to get to your car.

"designed by a National Award winning architect" - Person who drew the apartment layout won a bicycle in the "Captain O Magazine Subscription" contest.

"the location is great" - This quote was overheard by a couple guys transporting stolen speakers and television sets in the back of their unmarked white van.

"we are within blocks of parks and recreation" - Empty lot across the street provides hours of entertainment for children who like to be trapped inside abandoned refrigerators. They'll meet new and exciting homeless people who will teach them informative lessons that involve injecting various substances into their arms.

"floorplans also include extra deep full-wall closets" - Previous tenants were able to fit two whole corpses inside the closet.

"apartments feature central heating" - Fireplace is lodged directly in the middle of the livingroom. If there is no fireplace, there is a square patch of floor where you can start a campfire. Carpet provides "optimal burning experience".

"plush wall to wall carpet in designer color" - Carpet is the color of the fruit punch previous owners preferred to drink. Festive "random dark blobs" are scattered throughout the place.

"let our responsive management team do all they can to make you feel at home" - You will be given a keychain with the apartment complex's name written across it. If you are lucky, you might also be given a chipped coffee mug as well.

"includes outdoor picnic area" - Somebody left a bunch of wooden boards outside. Crazy Earl, the drunken groundskeeper, hammered the planks together in the vague form of a table. Hundreds of nails protruding from the wood ensures a very "memorable" dining experience which should be concluded with a barrage of Tetanus shots.

"Plenty of parking in our spacious uncovered garages."
"choose from our wide range of models for a residence that complements and enhances your lifestyle" - We have really cheap apartments for you stingy bastards who don't feel like paying $2000 a month for an apartment with running water. The lower-end apartments are made of taped-together cardboard boxes with numbers written on the outside.

"you'll find the carefree living you deserve" - Many tenants don't feel the need to walk around clothed.

"an exciting urban environment" - No less than six homeless people will hang around outside your door and wade through your used condoms in the garbage. Smog from surrounding factories will make unassisted breathing "an exciting experience."

"an attention to detail that make the difference" - Maintenance has patched up the bullets holes in the walls that previous tenants left. Chalk outlines on the floor are still visible but you can move your couch on top of them or something.

"beautiful private balconies and patios" - You know that five square feet of space right outside your front door? They took away the welcome mat, replaced it with a potted plant that one of the illegal aliens on the janitorial staff stole from outside the local Target, and dubbed the area a "patio". If your apartment is on the second floor, this space is referred to as a "balcony".

"a meticulously maintained gated community" - Due to the city's strict wild animal policies, a concrete wall has been erected around the entire property in order to keep in the myriad of rabid wolverines and opossums that are lurking in the area, just waiting to become your "potential pets".

"our recently remodeled apartments feature a bright and airy atmosphere" - Roof costs extra.

"vertical blinds in every apartment" - Recently upgraded from "horizontal bars".

"a large social room with a 35" television with a satellite dish" - Satellite dish sends out a television feed instead of bringing one in. Ignore the odd-looking light fixtures in your bathroom; they're just lights.

"we feature a fully equipped business center" - Windows 3.0 computer has a warezed version of Microsoft Access installed. The only program which doesn't cause the computer to reboot upon loading is Microsoft Paint.""

He must be stopped!

2006-09-06T15:07:00.000-05:00

"For the last time, I am not the Great Bambino!"

Since 1966, Jerry Lewis has hosted a nationwide telethon every Labor Day in order to collect donations to help fund MDA research. Little does he know that the telethon is, in fact, a blight upon the human race. Americans are spending their hard-earned money on children who are just going to die within a few years; and it's not like they really want to live. If those losers truly cared about life, they would have willed themselves out of those wheelchairs, crutches, and Rascals, instead of lying there, stewing in their own excrements and self-pity. An early death is inevitable. For some of these paralytic abominations, they will be in the bathroom, attempting to transfer themselves over to the toilet seat, only to have their chairs roll out from under them, leaving their feeble bodies to fall headfirst into the bowl. Now what? Well, they drown. Too busy believing that they don't have the strength to use their legs, all they leave our world with is a not-too-pretty view of their rear ends hanging out of their now poop-stained adult pull-ups. The worst part is that some of these commode corpses actually received equipment and medical services funded byJerry Lewis and his telethon. Think about it: our money... flushed down the drain... for the sake of prolonging some cripple's miserable joke of a life. What a waste!

The telethon is nothing more than a "feel good" event that insults the few cripples who actually do make an effort to try and live a normal life. Many Americans will donate a few bucks, feeling happy with themselves for a day or two, but for those trying to prove that they don't need the public's sympathy, they are left watching Jerry portray them as helpless idiots live on national television.

It doesn't require an all-day sit-down to understand what's going on, either. At any given moment, you'll be greeted by one of three things: (1) old people and D-list celebrities sitting next to telephones, while Jerry or some other shmuck blathers on about how these gimps need your support (2) An encouraging tale about a young boy or girl who lives bravely day-to-day with their disorder, or (3) the most G-dawful performances ever imagined. One act consisted of five dancers, all dressed in black, tapping to Aerosmith's Sweet Emotion, while another featured comedic material from Father Time. Seriously, the man must have been in his late eighties. "You ever notice how hotel signs still say 'Color TV' on them?" Oh, you're quite the observer, gramps! Perhaps a millennium ago, this guy was the headliner of all the most popular mead halls throughout the known world, but today, he is merely a Kitschy suit and a tiny red bow wrapped around a frail, unsightly figure too depressing to laugh at. If I had continued to endure the pain, who knows what else I would have seen.

Jerry: "Let's give a round of applause for Punch and Judy!"

They realize their act is terrible, but, on the bright side, at least they don't have to worry about being sodomized by Mister Rogers in the Land of Make-Believe after the show is over.

X the Owl: "He's back, everyone! Run for your lives!"

Henrietta Pussycat: "Meow meow, bleeding rectum, meow!"

Actually, I did return later on to watch another hour or so (only because nothing good was on). Intermittently, Jerry would be replaced by a local version of the telethon. During which, channel 12 news anchor Curt Fonger told the viewers of South Florida to stay tuned for "the greatest 15 minutes in television history." I waited, but for what? Well, it was a picture of a boy in the middle of the screen. The picture never changed, nor did move around, or anything like that, but it was accompanied by a woman's voice who talked about the boy's life, and how he peacefully died in the backseat of his mother's car as they were on their way to pick up a new part for his wheelchair. She said, at school, he would ask the same girl everyday if she would marry him, and everyday she would say "no", but after his death, she finally said accepted his proposal. *A moment of silence.* THIS?! This is what you call the greatest 15 minutes in television's history? Up yours, Fonger!

This telethon needs to end, because it goes against the rule of "Survival of the Fittest"!

As you should know by now, Steve Irwin, the Crocodile Hunter, died from a heart attack during the filming of The Ocean's Deadliest (a stingray "attacked" his chest). Experts claim that the creature felt threatened, but the truth is that the rest of the animal kingdom knows we are growing weaker with every new telethon. If we continue to allow ourselves to be held back by the cripples, pretty soon, every form of insect, bird, and beast will be upon us! The migration of killer bees, Roy being attacked by his own white tiger, a bird pooping on Cyndi Lauper's face, and the death of Australia's beloved nature host are all signs of the war to come if Jerry Lewis is not stopped immediately!

Chrono Cross Afterthoughts

2006-09-04T06:01:00.000-05:00

Despite all their cries for a sequel, fans of the series should have realized that Chrono Cross never really had a chance of living up to its predecessor. Chrono Trigger was just one of those experiences that gamers will never be able to recapture; like playing Super Mario 64 for the first time, then trying to achieve that same high with Super Mario Sunshine. For this reason, I will only compare the two under attainable factors. Chances are, any further attempts in expanding the Chrono series will also fall short of being revolutionary.

Though a bit cliché, the story unfolds with a poem and the opening of an old book sitting atop of some unknown person's desk.

What follows is a series of in-game clips dancing to the Celtic rhythm of Yasunori Mitsuda's Time's Scar. Not since Super Smash Bros. Melee, have I been more intrigued to play a game, simply because of it's introduction. Oh, and, as if that wasn't enough, Squaresoft provides the player with one more pregame treat:

a cleavage shot of the tomboy protagonist, Kid, at the Save/Load screen.

I guess the Dream Team wanted to make a very good first impression.

In Chrono Trigger, if something was wrong, you could go back in time and fix it. Well, with Chrono Cross, your actions have consequences. Do this. Go there. Help him. Leave her. Yes. No. Maybe. It's a wonderful branching storyline with characters unique to each path.

Forty-five in all, the cast comes in various shapes and sizes.

Of course, the most common appears to be slim and sexy (not that I'm complaining).

Most will have signature attacks at levels 3, 5, and 7, in addition to numerous spells a player may allocate to their elemental grids. It's a lot like the materia system seen in Final Fantasy 7, except that summon and high-level magic spells are reserved only for those with a matching innate element. Chrono Cross does an excellent job explaining this through the shakin' teachings of Radius and the bumbly bumblings of Solt and Peppor.

While a few characters come with actual background information, most can be summed up in a couple of sentences: "Funguy is the father of Leena's friend Lisa, who runs the element shop in Termina. Finding him in the forest near Viper Manor, and feeding him a strange mushroom will cause him to turn into a mushroomlike humanoid, and he will join forces with Serge without delay" (Wikipedia.com). The reasons some of these people use to justify tagging along are absurb. Look at Van, for example. He and his father, Gogh (Yeah, yeah. I see it, too. Shut up!), are poor and about to be kicked out of their home:

Van: "Bye dad! I'm going to hunt down the Frozen Flame with these people I just met. Don't worry. I looked into their eyes, so, based on that alone, I'm positive that I won't be raped and beaten to death as soon as we walk out of the city."

Gogh: "Ok, son. Enjoy the world, and make new friends."

You may have noticed within the Wikipedia quote that the "mushroomlike humanoid" is referred to as "Funguy". About that, in the English version of Chrono Cross, several characters were provided with idiotic, though easy to remember, names. Some of these would include Skelly the skeleton, Draggy the dragon, Doc the doctor, and Turnip the turnip! I'm sure you'll love the puntastic titles of many of the signature moves, too.

Above: Proof that the names could have been a lot worse.

One amazing feature is a code system which allowed the use of accents by changing text templates. In any conversation, this system would be able to modify the given lines of an event for whomever was saying them. Another feature revolves around "how" some people join your party: "Luccia assimilated into your party.", "Greco tagged into your party.", and "Skelly became the life of your party!". Though unnecessary, these are the kinds of things that add personality and charm to a game... so, why remove what made the first game appealing?

In Chrono Trigger, the monsters had other things to do. Some were playing with each other, and some might dancing or chanting; a few would be lying around... sleeping... eating... whatever; and, sometimes, you might disturb one of them, and he would cry out for reinforcements, or a group of them would suddenly ambush you. They were clever and entertaining. The world isn't a giant prison, so why must the creatures wander back and forth like security guards throughout Chrono Cross? Also, why does each monster I run into turn into a battle with one or more other monsters helping him? With Chrono Trigger, what you saw was what you fought, and that made sense. If I run into a soldier, why would he be accompanied by two bats and an imp? Where the heck did they come from? And can they even speak to me? I'm guessing about half the bestiary of Chrono Trigger had something to say at one point or another,so it didn't feel like I was wandering around slaying mindless animals all day long. A few of them would even set traps for you, like in the sewer system. The most I got out of monsters in this sequel was near the beginning when I had to obtain three Komodo scales for Leena.

To add insult to mediocrity, several bosses lacked any real challenge. Most of the time, it was simply a matter of exchanging blows with them. The worst battle I fought was against the last boss. I won't go into much detail about it, but I will say that I had a tougher time dealing with Ketchop than with that deus ex machina Squaresoft decided to throw in at the end.

"S-S-S-SAAAUUUUCCCEEE!!!"

As for the parallel worlds, there isn't much to explore. Islands are not so much microcosms, as they are tourist traps for the handful of visitors found wandering each area. It's very eye-catching, however, and gameplay should take about 50+ hours to complete. Not bad.

You will be left with more questions than answers, and don't expect anything similar to Ozzie's foolishness or Dalton's camera winking near the end of the game, either. Up until you begin to watch the alternate endings (most of which are excellent), much of Chrono Cross plays as a serious and somewhat confounding adventure.

As I said at the beginning of this dribble, Chrono Cross does not measure up to its predecessor; but as a standalone, there is no reason to ignore it. I'd like to point out that the intent of the developers was to create something different from Chrono Trigger, which I feel was a gutsy move on their part, considering the wealth of material they could have pulled from the original game.

Play it. It's interesting.

"Shake it and say your prayers! ...Not that it'll do you any good!" ~Peppor

Dorm Life at FAU

2006-08-28T01:28:00.000-05:00

I spent the weekend here at the house, playing with the girls, Suzie Q and Miss Sissy Pissed-Her-Pants, helping dad clean out the house a little more, and visiting Ian for a few hours. Of course, I didn't want to leave without having something to say about my first week back at FAU.

First, I left most of my possessions at the dorm with Adam, my roommate. He is skinny, four-eyed, and a big fan of the Settlers of Catan series. It's a German board game that involves obtaining resources needed to create cities, roads, and settlements. Doing so will earn you points, and the winner is the one who reaches 10 points first. It's slightly more enjoyable than it sounds. There is also a robber in the game who will take cards from the players if his number is rolled. Now, I'm not saying that the makers of Settlers of Catan are racist, but the black game piece they created for the robber does strike me as a bit odd.

Despite my opinions, Settlers of Catan has won two Board Game of the Year awards, and the German-coveted Adolf Award three years in a row. It was finally beat out in 1999 by a new popular German game called Oven Space, which is basically a rip-off of Tetris that I rather not go into detail about.

Adam calls it the best board game ever...

but I say otherwise!

Overall, I'm lucky to have Adam. Granted, I'd be even luckier if I had that one really attractive girl with the... nevermind, he might be reading this.

I think the only real issue between us would be his computer. The guy is glued to it much of the time he is in the room. I'm afraid to even ask if I can check on my online assignments and notes. I can always walk to a campus lab and go online, but I am unable to print out the material. A second (minor) issue is my black GCN controller. Sadly, the joystick is constantly moving the character slightly to the right. It has been dropped one too many times thanks to my dogs tripping over the cord. I finally have another person to play video games with, but only one functional controller. I paid Ian to buy me a new one, but the idiot he is living with stole the money from his wallet when he wasn't around. Ah well. I'll eventually get the chance to smack the s*** out of Adam in Smash Bros. Melee. I just have to be patient. *Update: While grabbing a few items at Wal-Mart, and avoiding the crowd of people fighting over hurricane goods, Diane was nice enough to pick up a pair of controllers for my Gamecube, so I now have three of them, but if anyone can help me fix the broken one, please let me know. Also, pictures of how to do it would be most helpful.*

I'm loving cable TV again. I watched Full Metal Alchemist, Shin Chan, Drawn Together, WWE Raw, Naruto, and a Cowboys game on ESPN. (^_^) I hope AMC does Monsterfest again this October. I'm a big fan of scary movies, even though I'm unable to handle survival/horror games. Eternal Darkness provided me with more than enough chills. I am in no rush to try out Resident Evil 4.

As for my schedule, I have classes from 12 to 2 on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, and from 12 to 4 on Tuesdays and Thursdays. My courses are Physics 1, Physics Lab (which is kept separate, since a few college majors only require the lecture), Bichemistry 1, and Genetics. I'm already panicking over the homework for Physics, and the professor I have for Biochemistry is very specific with her notes. I start the lab next Tuesday. *Update: thanks to Ernesto, I will have to wait another week, because Tuesday classes were cancelled.* Genetics is the only one I feel safe in right now. I will let you all know that I have no real desire for science. I'm only hoping to pass through it in order to become a store pharmacist. I'd aim for teaching, but the pay is bad, and all it takes is for one unhappy, f***ed-up student to claim sexual harrassment or abuse and my career would be ruined. I also had this idea of doing something that involved writing, but my down-to-earth tone cannot compete with the "big word" jargon of many English majors. Plus, there are thousands of untalented writers hoping to achieve the dream job of reviewing games for a living. Just look at the most popular bloggers on 1Up.com. The fact that LinktheLegend2 is among them is even scarier than those survival/horror games.

I shouldn't get too comfy in my new home. September is the busiest month of the hurricane season, and dad is already whining to me about Hurricane Ernesto, as if I care anymore. The news is providing Floridians with tips on how to prepare for the season. Hello! How many of those f-ing storms have we been hit with by now? What can Weatherman Steve Weagle tell me that I haven't heard countless times before? "Make sure you have plenty of batteries, food, and bottled water. And remember to stay hunkered down." Durrrrr! Believe it or not, each named storm receives its own theme song, which plays before any news about the disaster is issued to the public. I'm burned out on the warnings. I no longer care. If a hurricane hits, so be it! My only concern is the possibility of having to move everything back out of the dorm room. I just unpacked all of my stuff; I don't want to have to box it all up again.*Update: I came home and helped dad prepare for the storm, just in case Ernesto developed into something more serious.*

I think that's about it, so, hopefully, I will be online again soon.

Do You Remember Rock N' Roll Radio?

2006-08-05T05:05:00.000-05:00

How about Rock N' Roll Racing?

Ah, the memories.

The drivers would roll up to the starting line, Loudmouth Larry would scream "The race is set, the green flag drops!", and we'd all take off to instrumental versions of familiar tunes like Paranoid, Bad to the Bone, Born to be Wild, Highway Star, and the Peter Gunn Theme, which I recently learned is also used as background music for Spy Hunter. While I'm sure there are several fans of Nobou Uematsu who would say otherwise (you losers can eat death and die!), I believe Rock N'Roll Racing has the second greatest soundtrack of any video game (it's hard to compete with the selection found on Guitar Hero).

I don't know about the Atari (I was born in '82), but many of my favorite NES and SNES titles came with unforgettable melodies that, to this day, I still hum every once in a while.

I doubt anyone could find a gamer who is unable to recognize the music of Super Mario Bros. or The Legend of Zelda, but what about their sequels? I prefer the Ragtime style of SMB2, and was thrilled to hear it again as part of the Super Smash Bros. Melee soundtrack, though I'm not sure if many would agree.

Normally, when someone brings up video game music, the first thing to come to my mind is Bubble Bobble.

You make your way through 100 levels of puzzles, colorful treats, and a persistent whale skeleton who enjoys hunting down procrastinators, all while listening to the same cheerful ditty, and for some odd reason, it never gets old. I could leave the game running for hours on my TV and not care. It became an earworm that later prompted me into buying a copy of Bubble Bobble Old & New for my GBA.

Other soundtracks produced similar results. Some of these would include Wizards & Warriors, Donkey Kong Country, ToeJam and Earl, Mega Man, and Chrono Trigger. I sometimes wonder whether or not I would have enjoyed Tchaikovsky's Nutcracker Suite if I hadn't heard it first on Tetris.

While I abhor Animal Crossing in nearly every other aspect, the air is so intoxicating that I find myself under the spell of this hideous siren every time I take a trip back to Walden.

I remember mentioning the name of my Town within one of Nintendo's live forums, and the moderator responded with a smiley and the phrase, "So, is there a pond in Walden?" He was funny AND intelligent... just like Monty Python! Ha, ha... ugh, I hope he's dead.

For most games, however, I prefer to listen to the radio. The resulting effect is a relation of some games with whatever is being recycled on my local stations. For example, whenever I listen to a track from Alanis Morissette's debut album Jagged Little Pill, I think of Super Metroid.

Other examples include:
Shining Force 2 - "Sucked Out" by Superdrag
FFX - "A Little Less Conversation" by Elvis and Junkie XL
TLoZ:OoT - "Breaking the Habit" by Linkin Park
Animal Crossing - "Diamonds and Guns" by The Transplants
Final Fight - "Hey A**hole!" by Screeching Weasel
Star Fox 64 - "I Believe I Can Fly" by Me First and the Gimme Gimmes

For the one or two people who actually read this, feel free to provide some of your own examples. I doubt I'm the only one who has this little quirk.

Finally, I'd just like to say that I love fast music.

As far as video games go, my playlist consists mostly of DDR tracks, with the Witch Doctor being my favorite. With other genres of music, I really don't care what it is or who is singing it, as long as the song is quick, upbeat, and NOT Heavy Metal.

I've actually met people who needed me to elaborate on this:

Them: "So, do you like alternative or dance?"
Me: "I like whatever will keep me in high spirits."
Them: "What about Country music?"
Me: "As long as it is fast and upbeat, sure."
Them: "What about Rap?"
Me: "As long as it is fast and upbeat."
Them: "Well, what about..."
Me: "YES! Wait, were you going to say Heavy Metal?"
Them: "No. I was going to say..."
Me: "Yes! Now, shut up!"

That's it. I've stayed up too long. I'm rambling more than usual, so good night, or morning, whatever, and go Reds!

"Viper should avoid mines!"

Great American Heroes

2006-08-03T07:53:00.000-05:00

During the 70's, our founding fathers signed the Declaration of Independence. This document basically stated that the colonists were no longer going to pay excessive taxes for important stuff, like tea and stamps, to Curious George the Third. In fact, John Hitchcock was the first to sign, making sure his name was big enough for George to read without his glasses, an insult overshadowed by James Madison who wrote "Suck it hard, Kingy!" at the bottom of the paper. Yes, that was the beginning of our glorious nation; represented now, as it was then, by a bunch of jerks with enough tenacity to back up their haughty attitude.

In keeping with being unequivocally more awesome than everyone else on Earth, I have decided to list those whom I believe best represent the omnipotence of America!

Washington is often referred to as the "Father of his Country," probably because he used to take his belt off and literally whip his troops into shape. Born from the great state of Virginny, Washington was a very humble and hard-working individual, who was recognized as a capable military leader during the Frog and Indian War.

There are quite a few stories about Washington worth mentioning. One includes an ambush in the woods where he and his troops were surrounded and outnumbered, but Washington remained strong and came out of the ordeal uninjured. What was more surprising was that he found two bullets lodged in his uniform that never managed to penetrate his skin. Another tale came from the account of one man who claimed to have seen the general pick two men up off the ground, one in each hand. He only whispered a few words to them, but as soon as he set them down, they both fled for their lives. Finally, there is that whole thing about his wooden teeth being made from the cherry tree he cut down. You should know that that's false, because the saliva would have warped his grin after a short while (splinters in his gums would kinda suck, too). So, what did he have? Well, two sets of teeth: A mixed batch from other people, elk, and a hippopotamus and a set made entirely out of lead.

Thanks, in part, to all that free publicity he received from having his face on the quarter AND one-dollar bill, Washington is still the only president to have ever been elected unanimously, and actually managed to accomplish this feat twice.

Ever since the introduction of KFC's Popcorn Chicken (thank you Colonel Sanders), Abe Lincoln has become the second greatest person to come out of the state of Kentucky. While being America's 16th president is considered a big deal to some, the real reason behind including him on this list is from his extensive wrestling career.

Craving more in life than being a simple prairie lawyer, Lincoln made his way to the squared circle under the name "Rail Splitter."

With his long arms and big hands, Lincoln appeared a bit awkward, but at 6'4'', these features made it easy for him to create what we now refer to as the "choke slam", a favorite amongst giant wrestlers, such as Andre the Giant, The Undertaker, and The Big Show.

Having held the championship title longer than any other fighter in his day, Lincoln felt it was time for a change. Besides that, there were rumors of his fondness for men, so that was a pretty big factor in his decision to leave, too. This led him to become president of the United States. Lincoln's wrestling career provided him with plenty of fan support for his campaign, which was basically just him yelling "F*** the South!" and waving his middle finger at the slave owners.

Known as "The Duke," John Wayne is the epitome of the rugged American male. He managed to tame the varmints of the Wild West and the Nazis of World War 2 at the same time! He was the leading male role in 142 performances, and yet, he still had the time to marry three Spanish chicks and spawn seven children from them. Though stomach cancer got the better of him, there's no doubt that The Duke is kicking more than his fair share of a** in Heaven... or Hell (would the Simpsons lie to us?)

"He was ugly, he was strong, he had dignity."

I want the same thing on my tombstone, even if somebody who knows me will eventually scratch out all but the "ugly" part of it.

Capt. America is on this list, because he's the f-ing captain of our country, that's why! Thanks to a super serum, Steve Rogers became the closest thing to human perfection; though, as an American, it's hard to believe anyone could actually become better than that. The captain proved immune to toxins and alcohol, and wielded that massive, metal shield like it was no different from any other part of his body. The guy's a brawler, as is any true American, but with the help of the serum, Rogers became one of the most effective hand-to-hand fighters in the world of comics. Best of all, the man defends America's ideals. He doesn't deal with politics, and even told one army general, "I'm loyal to nothing, General ... except the Dream." It sounds inspiring, until you realize that "the Dream" was really just him banging Donna Reed someday. Later, Reed was replaced by Barbara Eden, who was recently replaced by Halle Berry in the X-Men movies. Right on!

It was a perfect plan: The Duke handled Hitler and his masses of Nazis, while Captain America took care of the terrorist operations of the Red Skull. Add to that Snoopy, who was able to subdue the Red Baron, and you got yourself a team-up the likes of which are not seen again until Billy and Jimmy Lee decide to join forces with the Battletoads.

Before Chuck Norris, there was Charles Bronson!

A one-man killing machine who took the law into his own hands, proved no criminal was safe. It didn't matter who you were or who you were with. Of all the criminal organizations/gangs he took down, some would include the Crips, Bloods, Latin Kings, Vice Lords, Mara Salvatrucha, Hells Angels, Bandidos, Nazi Low Riders, TGR, 18th Street, Italian Mafia, Turnbull A.C.s, Orphans, Baseball Furies, Lizzies, Punks, Rogues, Gramercy Riffs, Warriors, Hi-Hats, Boppers, Dead Rabbits, Fiendish Five, Klaww, Cooper, Mad Gear, Bethnal Green, Triads, Yardies, Collins, Black Warriors, Cosmo, Generic Dudes, Frat Guys, Jocks, Home Boys, Mobs, Squids, Internationals, Bosses, Plague, Cowboys, The Forty Thieves, The Purple, The Tongs, The Toi, Kinning Park Star,Young Govan Team,The Cumbie, Border Reivers, Tim Malloys, Leones, Forellis, Sindaccos, Vercetti, Sicilian Mafia, Southside Hoods, Grove Street Families, Ballas, Liberty City Triads, San Fierro Triads, Liberty City Yakuza, Da Nang Boys, Colombian Cartel, Diablos, Diaz's, Cubans, Los Santos Vagos, Varrios Los Aztecas, San Fierro Rifa, Uptown Yardies, Hatians, Bikers, Golfers, Security Guards, Russian Mafia, Loco Syndicate, Avenging Angels, Streetwannabes, Soldiers, Lily Five, X-Laws, Dead Enders, Mr. X's syndicate, and the notorious Apple Dumpling Gang.

With movies such as The Dirty Dozen, Hard Times, and the Death Wish series, Bronson inspired a nation to fight back against crime.

"Rick James? I'm Charles Bronson, b****!"

Much like a sorceress did in Final Fantasy 8, as Charles Bronson neared the end of his life, he bestowed his powers upon a young Chuck Norris.

Unlike his predecessor, Chuck made it difficult to learn anything about him. Those who have come within even a mile radius of the martial arts monster have not survived to tell about it. Without any factual information to go by, "facts" about Chuck Norris were spread throughout the web, using what little reasoning could be put behind them. One of the few things generally accepted by all Norristorians is that he can, indeed, swing one of his legs so quickly that it will rip a hole in the space/time continuum.

As if I needed to tell you, Norris is on this list for several reasons. He has his own comic book/cartoon series Chuck Norris' Karate Kommandos, his own TV series Walker, Texas Ranger, his own Atari 2600 video game Chuck Norris Superkicks, his own infomercials for the Total Gym Fitness, and is letter "N" of Maddox's book Alphabet of Manliness.

Though a fictional character...

Rocky Balboa represents the heart and soul of America. He went from nuthin' to sumthin' by going against all odds (two black guys (twice), a Russian, a street punk, and a wrestler named Thunderlips). Ah, a true American legacy!

"ADRIAN!"

With the support of his trainer Mickey Goldmill, his drunk friend Paulie, a robot dressed as Santa Claus, and the band Survivor, there was nothing non-verbal Rocky couldn't do!

"It's the eye of the tiger
Its the cream of the fight
Risin' up to the challenge of our rivals!"

Considered by many (just me and probably Seanbaby) as the greatest thing to come out of Chicago. He is also the second greatest American of all time.

Mr. T has done everything from sitcoms to comic books teaching children to not be a fool, but to stay in school, to play fair, to be brave, and to not do drugs.

Mr. T is a song and dance man the likes of which no other can compete with. When he's not punching sharks to death and rampaging through hordes of gun-totting flunkies, Laurence Tureaud enjoys rapping about his T Commandments, accessorizing his neck, and enjoying bowl after bowl of his fool-pitying Cereal.

"I pity the fool who can't read this."

T has made several cameo appearances on a variety of media, including The Simpsons, Alvin and the Chipmunks, Johnny Bravo, Inspector Gadget, Blossom, Spy Hard, SNL, Different Strokes, Wrestlemanias 1 and 2, and, correct me if I'm wrong, but who else could this Earthbound NPC be?

"I ain't no Mr. T, fool!"

A Mr. T fact:

"Mr. T invented the X-Ray, the G-String, the R-Rating and Jay-Z after a late-night drunken bender caused him to momentarily forget which letter he was."

Let's pause for a moment to reflect upon all of the greatness our country has birthed. Now, let's picture it being drop kicked into oblivion by this man:

The Hulkster!

When it comes to being an American, Hulk Hogan is the total package of patriotic perfection.

What makes him so popular is that his charisma is through the roof. He may have worked the wrestling business ruthlessly, but Hogan has always remained appreciative towards his fans. I once witnessed a WWE crowd explode into cheers and chants for about 15 minutes straight, continuing through an entire commercial break, and ending only in response to a request made from the man himself who, during this time, was incapable of maintaining his composure and began crying in the middle of the ring.

With so much support, it's no surprise that he once envisioned himself running for president, but that would have meant giving up what he loves to do most, and he soon abandoned the idea. A shame really. He'd probably would have been able to wrap up this whole War on Terrorism mess that Bush has gotten us into by flying over to the Middle East and enforcing his new Leg Drop of Justice policy.

As with Mr. T, Hulk Hogan has been a part of every type of medium. My favorites include the movies No Holds Barred and Santa With Muscles, and as the character model for Muscle Power of SNK's World Heroes series. He is also used as a model for Alex from Street Fighter 3. Neat!

Terry oozes patriotism without emitting an air of arrogance. For a short time, he even went by the name Mr. America in an attempt to disobey an order from Vince McMahon to not wrestle (because Vince wanted the spirit of Hulkamania to die). The storyline basically centered around McMahon doing everything possible to prove that it was actually Hogan under that mask so that he could fire him once and for all. He eventually succeeded, but it was fun while it lasted.

"I'm not Hulk Hogan, brother!"

Never do I feel more proud of my country than when I see Hogan march down to the squared circle waving Old Glory to the audience while the tune of "I Am a Real American" fills the room.

Honorable Mentions: Al Bundy, Aaron Copland, Clint Eastwood, Babe Ruth, Michael Jordan, and Vince Lombardi.

FF4: Worst in the Series

2006-07-29T18:19:00.000-05:00

There are a handful of games I'm desperately trying to complete before this summer ends. Since time is precious, I'm rather pissed off at the fact that much of it was pissed away playing something so awful. As a result, I'm going to waste a bit more of it by venting my frustration upon the one or two readers of this blog, so, if you're looking for something funny to read in this post, you won't find it; which basically means that it will be no different from all my other posts.

Back in January, I played through GBA's FF1&2: Dawn of Souls, and loved every minute of FF2's compelling tale. I had already played FF1 on my NES, but the extras it provided weren't bad either. Anyway, I normally wait for a significant price drop to occur before I purchase a game, but my love for Dawn of Souls was what prompted me to quickly obtain a copy of GBA's remake of FF4.

I'm an idiot.

FF4's plot is full of garbage many of us have seen countless times before, but that wasn't enough. It felt like the developers were merely throwing things into the story to add shock value. Every bump in the road resulted in a character trying to sacrifice his/herself for the rest of the party. Imagine yourself standing next to a grenade that was about to explode, and everyone around you began arguing over who was going to have the honor of laying on top of it. Much to my disappointment, only one succeeded in killing himself. The rest of them were miraculously saved and nursed back to health just in time for a big, dramatic reunion battle near the end of the game. Even better, it included an uninspiring final boss who overpowers everybody except the main character, who walks up to him in defiance, and ultimately defeats the seemingly-unstoppable demon thanks to the prayers of those still on Earth, which somehow reached your party and completely healed them. Oh, how fortuitous! Also, (I'm guessing as an apology) finishing the game unlocks a bonus dungeon on the moon wherein the characters can face off against their deepest fears. I was hoping to meet Yoda at the entrance, but with no such luck, I was, instead, greeted by an ominous voice who warned me of the dangers of blah, blah, blah. Of course, to face them, each character HAD to have been in the final battle, and the game forbids you to play without the main character, soooo... *takes in a deep breath* in order to open all the trials, you need to beat the final boss, at least, THREE TIMES; watching the same long, stupid ending, at least, THREE TIMES; and having to go through many of the same areas within the unlocked dungeon between each trial, at least, THREE F***ING TIMES, for a grand total of... *counts on fingers* 9 more reasons to hate this game! Just think of all the random battling you get to do, because of that backtracking.

There's even a gold chest within the dungeon that causes the game to freeze if you open it from the front, so wait a second. First, we have the original FF4. Then, there's the remake included within Final Fantasy Chronicles in 1997, the remake for the WonderSwan Color in 2002, and now, three years later, the GBA remake, which STILL has glitches in it! How many more times must this game be released before someone at Square finally decides to fix it?

The main story took a little over 15 hours to run through, and then I reached the moon. At this point, the monsters suddenly grew strong enough to kill each of my characters with only one or two hits. One moment, my party is slaughtering creatures without any effort, the next, I'm struggling to reach the Lunar Whale before I run out of potions and phoenix tails. It was another 15 hours of mindless grinding before I could move about freely on the moon.

For storage space, you must rely upon a monsterously obese chocobo who will hold on to your equipment by eating it. If you think that sounds absurb, there's more. To call upon this great forest fattie, you must first walk up to a square plot of land where your character will somehow sense the presence of this bird blob. After that, all you have to do is wave some food in the air, and POOF! the enormous emu appears right in front of you, willing to inhale any sort of trinket that may prove useful in the future. Retrieve at your own risk!

Next, there's Rydia, the cutesy, green-haired girl who is the only summoner within the game. Big f***ing deal! Her summon spells are only weaker versions of various attack spells. Rydia also has a very poor physical attack, and her ability to absorb punishment (even during short battles) is non-existent.

Her background is equally bad. At one point, the girl goes missing, only to reappear later in the game as some sort of 8-bit sex symbol, fully grown, because time moves much faster in the "place" she was hiding out at. Well, that makes total sense to me, but even as an adult, she still sucks at everything, and her new summons are just as pathetic as her old ones, with the added annoyance of having to look for them, before you can utilize their power.

Another problem I have is with the game's most powerful attack spell, Meteor. With it, your character can deal 9,999 damage in a single blow (provided that your mage can hurry up and channel the attack before one of the monsters knocks him out). After completing the main story, the twin spellcasters can actually obtain items that will allow them to use an even more power attack called the "Double Meteor", which requires both of them to channel the spell for several turns, but it will all be worth it when you finally unleash that massive 9,999 damage... just like the original Meteor spell!

Ok, there's one last gripe, and this time it's about Cid. Cid seems like a neat character (minus that nasty smile of his), but his unqiue ability to study a creature's stats is a lot like many of those status-changing spells (silence, toad, pig, mini... WHY?!), in that it won't work when you need it to. Bosses, of course, are immune to it, as well as many of the stronger monsters you will face later in the story. Other than that, all Cid can do is hit things. He has no magical skills, nor can he perform any other abilities like Hide, Prayer, or Cover. Much like Slippy Toad in Star Fox 64, Cid is worthless as a fighter, and he could have been just as effective as one of those non-playable characters who help move the story along.

At the 1Up message boards, one of the more common things to read about from FF fans is how the series was at its best with the first six games, but how can any of them say this without making a special exception to FF4? Fanboy or not, you'd have to pretty dense to not see this game for the turd that it truly is.

What? More BEANS?!

2006-06-21T06:07:00.000-05:00

On FOX, it's season two of So You Think You Can Dance, the show where women built like 12-year-old boys pair off with much uglier women, presumably men, in the hopes of finding out who is the most versatile dancer (biggest fairy). It's not a bad program. The dance routines are entertaining and I thoroughly enjoy the variety of music, but one thing I am growing tired of watching is a know-it-all Brit telling everyone what he thinks.

Nigel Lythgoe, producer and judge of So You Think You Can Dance, is also the producer of American Idol. Of course, he has no need to be on that program, because it has its own a**hole from across the pond spewing garbage like, "That was dreadfully awful!" and "You are the worst singer I have eva heard." Simon Cowell loves to say the same belligerent remarks over and over again, and has been doing so for five seasons now. It's probably for this very reason that he has decided to not participate in his own creations: American Inventor and America's Got Talent. Don't give him too much credit. All Simon really did was re-invent the idea of American Idol. The same ideas, same remarks, and let's not forget about that same black shirt he seems to really enjoy wearing.

I know of a good place to ram that thumb of yours!

From what I can gather, America's Got Talent premiers tonight, and one of the judges just so happens to be David Hasslehoff. Yes, Hasslehoff is going to judge whether or not the American people have talent. What the heck does he know about talent? The guy made a career out of running shirtless across a beach every week with a bunch of big-breasted bimbos. Couldn't NBC find a better C-list celebrity to be a judge, like, say, Wayne Knight or "The Macho Man" Randy Savage?

What? That's not enough blue blood for you? Well, how about Hell's Kitchen, the show where world famous chef Gordon Ramsay goes into his Tourette's Syndrome act and cusses at 12 restaurateurs for an hour each week. I guess I'd be that upset, too, if my country was well known for serving a great deal of culinary crap.

When they aren't dining on specialties from other countries, like spaghetti or curry, the English prefer fried foods, potatoes, and a vast quantity of beans. Oh yes, the British love baked beans; and they have been known to put it on everything. The UK also enjoys feasting upon junk food. So much, in fact, that they consume 50% of it's total sum within the entire continent of Europe. I don't know....

Doesn't this look tasty to you? It's blood (black) pudding. It's basically a thick sausage made with blood and fat. I guess the Brits are just too pompous to settle for a stick of butter like us average folk!

Moving on, both ABC and FOX have decided to let the limeys show us how to raise our kids with Nanny 911 and Super Nanny. Both shows center around a gorgon who moves into a home, takes over, and helps the family to become stable.

Not only as the Super Nanny, a few of you sickos might remember Jo Frost from her porn videos that specialized in satisfying those with a Muppet fetish.

As you can tell, she enjoys playing the role of Miss Piggy. Yeesh!

In the case of Nanny 911, the head nanny Lillian Sperling (titled The Nanny to the British Royals) views a tape of each family. Then, it is her duty to choose between three qualified caretakers who were carefully picked out by FOX as being the best from all around the world. Around the world, my a**! These three assistants are from the same friggin' country of bad food, poor humor, and crooked teeth! Who are they trying to fool? You can't honestly tell me that there is no other country capable of handling their children! Why couldn't there be a black nanny? Have you ever snapped at a black woman before? She'd slap the f*** out of you for it! And what about the men? A man isn't capable of raising his own child? Bulls***! A long time ago, Disney introduced the world to Mary Poppins, and ever since then, people seem to have developed this concept that the United Kingdom is just one giant, professional day care center.

Five shows about the British bossing Americans around and it is becoming more obnoxious with each new wave of reality programming. What's worse is that I have to put up with the MLS taking over my Saturday afternoons.

Sorry, but soccer isn't a sport that translates well on television. In fact, any game that can go for 90 minutes without a single scored point shouldn't be televised. It's boring. It's idiotic. It's a bunch of people kicking a ball back and forth, while an announcer screams about the whole thing in Spanish. The only good thing is that anyone can afford to play it. All you need is a ball and a pair of sticks on each side of an open field. Add a little white paint to the grass and you get:

This humble, yet effective, place to play.

Sundays aren't safe either, as long as NASCAR's never-ending season continues. Watch as 30 cars turn left for 4 hours. Never has the sight of the back of my own eyelids looked more appealing than during one of these races.

So, to recap: the British have taken over my week of reality programming, while soccer and NASCAR make sure to ruin my weekends. That's it! My whole week is screwed. Thanks for destroying television, c***suckers! I hate you all!

It's Mii time!

2006-05-30T22:39:00.000-05:00

When E3 was over, I thought, "Wow! I need to cash in on this!" Up until now, it seemed as if Sony would remain on top, thanks in part to their large support from third-party developers and popular exclusive titles. With that risky $600 price tag hanging off of their new system, it's now my chance to come in and dominate the industry with my own system, the Mii! Analyzing everything that made the other systems great, I incorporated (stole) these ideas and placed them into my new system, along with some other features that the competition have sadly neglected to even consider.

Mii features:

Backward and sideways compatibility
Next-gen-after graphics
Cordless controllers with motion, smell, sound, and taste sensoring
Wi-Fi, Ethernet, and telepathic online capability
Includes DVD, VHS, and 8-Track players

Other features include:

Weight-loss success
Laser-eye surgery
Hair removal
Washing clothes / dishes / cars
Alarm system
Cures cancer
Portable grill / refrigerator
Time travel
Brings back the dead
Grants wishes

The Mii, along with its portable system, the Mini Mii, are just the first two pillars in a six-pillar plan to conquer the video game market. The Mii will host a number of first-party games of all genres, along with several exclusive third-party titles from big companies, such as Komani, Hamco, and Raprom. The systems will undercut Nintendo's low price by offering the Mii at only $139.99. How can I do this and still make a profit? Like any good American businessman, I use illegal immigrants. In fact, that's why the system is called Mii: Made by Illegal Immigrants. The Miimote will be capable of hovering in mid-air, allowing the Mii to appeal to two other types of gamers: the lazy and the quadriplegic. Yeah, yeah... time-travel, granting wishes, blah, blah, blah, right? You want to know more about the games. Well, of course, the Mii and Mini Mii combined will offer the largest number of launch titles. While most are still in early development, screenshots of some of the more anticipated games have been provided.

Mii launch titles include:

Tales of Nymphonia

After experiencing turbulence aboard her rheaird, the vibration between Sheena's legs left her with a sensation so wonderful that she departs from a gang of idealistic teenagers to pursue her own quest to find the chosen one of pleasure.

Mutant League Skeeball

Monsters play skeeball at a Chuck E. Cheese restaurant in order to collect enough tickets needed to win the coveted MLS trophy!

Custom Hobo

Customize your vagabond with an assortment of street trash accessories and have him compete in bum fights for glory and the good of mankind.

Hasslevania

For 15 to 20 minutes, the world was at peace, until David Hassleholf once again rose from his tanning bed, unleashing slow-moving, undead lifeguards with giant, bouncing breasts and terrible dialogue to wreck havoc upon nearby beaches. It's up to the Simoan Delmonte and his kinky leather whip to help save humanity, and maybe even end the curse of his virginity.

PEZ Crossing

Explore a new world of wonder and square-shaped candies where even everyday chores are deliciously sweet fun!

Phonic the Groundhog

There's no catching up to this speed-reading demon! Help Phonic stop Dr. Robooknic from conquering the world by quickly reading through each new area's award-winning text and then facing off against evil robot clones of famous authors, such as Edgar Allen Poe, Ray Bradbury, and Dr. Suess!

Petty Theft Auto

It's an open-ended world where you play the role of a 17-year-old street punk who breaks into cars and robs them of loose change, cigarettes, and CDs. You can even pick pockets, snatch purses, and short-change the people at the register.

Streetcraft: Cocaine of Chaos

The mean streets of Los Angeles are about to get meaner as three factions fight for territory, power, and money, while another fights to end it. In this real-time strategy, players are allowed to choose from four races of human sub-species: the Drug Dealers, the Pimps, the Gangs, and the LAPD. As the story unfolds, a stash of very high-quality cocaine from the lost city of Goinnose was said to have been discovered and is currently stored away safely somewhere within the city. This stuff will really f**k you up, and every kind of scumbag wants to find that out for themselves. What they all don't realize is that the LA Mafia already has men of their own working for each of the factions, and no one is sure of who to trust during these times of street violence.

Untold Legends: The Mime's Code

Nothing about this game has been talked about as of yet.

Yazhee: the Video Game

Click the button, and roll. Click the button, and roll. Yes, now you can click and roll your way into a depression as you soon realize that no one else was stupid enough to pay $30 for the virtual equivalent of five dice and a sheet of paper.

Donkey Donga

Slap a wang-shaped controller to some of your favorite tunes and watch how happy that gorilla becomes.

ZOOM

Archeologists have discovered an ancient portal dubbed as "The Gate of Hell." Sent through the portal to collect information, the rest of your party is quickly massacred, leaving you all alone in the HQ building of PBS to fight your way through an army of telebubbies, boo-bah, and several characters from other shows like Cyberchase, Arthur, Mia and Miguel, Between the Lions, Reading Rainbow, Sesame Street, and George Shrinks. Even if you succeed, the real challenge is ahead as you are pitted against the crafty children of ZOOM, dressed in various costumes and utilizing old jokes, food recipes, and science experiences sent in by viewers like you! Rumor has it that Mister Rogers is an unlockable character, but no word yet from the developers has confirmed this.

D.A.R.C.

This is where the graphics of the Mii are used to their fullest extent, as you must explore enemy-filled streets and warehouses on a pitch-black screen, where the only clues as to what is happening are the sound effects!

Stikmin

Dolomar's ship ran into an asteroid and has forced him to crash in the middle of a strange world where the air is too toxic to breathe and the water tastes like Zima. He must locate all the parts to his ship within 30 days, before his air supply and bottles of beer run out. Unsure of how to acquire all the pieces within a month, Dolomar discovers a race of stick figures who are too stupid to question the concept of slave labor. Taking full advantage of their sad ignorance, Dolomar believes he now has a real chance of escaping this hellhole after all.

Bad Racer

This game is gonna suck... away all your free time!
There is no kind of fun anywhere within this game... that you won't have!
This is the absolutely worst piece of crap racing game in the entire known universe; and the graphics, music, and characters are so awful that you will want to kill yourself just to end the misery of it all... will be the exact opposite of what you will really think about the game!

Fatal Fantasy

This massive RPG comes in a pack of 4 discs, each one ending with a hot female character being stabbed to death by the main boss in a poor attempt to cover up the game's mediocrity with shock value.

RV: the Unofficial Video Game

Based upon the box office bomb starring an unfunny Robin Williams in a rip-off of National Lampoon's Vacation, the game directs you along a linear path into obvious situations of toilet humor and other slapstick hi-jinx.

The Legend of Velda: The Milking of Vaccadorf

Another shameless example of product placement in video games, the great wizard Vaccadorf has kidnapped Princess 2%, while his non-dairy minions run amuck throughout the great land of Creamer. It's up to the great hero Velda to save the people of Creamer and their princess.

Miller Instinct

Dennis Miller has stumbled upon a gateway into another dimension where an old man tells him that he is the great warrior foretold by prophets long ago who would come to save their world from several sharp-witted demon comedians.

Nintendung

Produce and care for your favorite animal made from one of Earth's most natural resources. Nintendung provides players with mini-games, walks around public restrooms, and even interaction with the commode floaters of other players as ways of developing and customizing your fecal friend.

BADD Dudes

Brawlers Against Drunk Driving is an organization fighting to stop those who refuse to drink responsibly.

Harvest Poon

There's six gorgeous ladies in need of some lovin', and only one boy who can satisfy them. Which one will it be? Do you like the old-fashioned method? Maybe you'd prefer a dominatrix, a bisexual, or perhaps the one who likes to dress up as an animal. It's up to you!

Super Princess B***h

King Kooga has captured Blario and it is up to the princess to save him. Using the strength of those irrational emotions found within every woman, watch as PMS turns Beach into a super Beach, amplifying her hormonal hatred tenfold.

Mehtris

Tired of remake after remake of everyone's favorite puzzle game, Mehtris simply sends the exact same square block over and over again.

ArmRash and Earl

Gangrene has left ToeJam with only two legs, and if Earl wants to save his friend from having to live the rest of his days in a wheelchair, he and ToeJam's younger brother must scour Funkatron for the funkiest ingredients of funktitude ever to funking funk! Saying "funky" never seems to get old as everyone is required by Funkatron law to use some form of it once in every sentence.

That ho, Raven!

Oh Shnapp! Hungarian cheerleading warlords have taken over the school and have managed to brainwash everyone except for one fat ho whose head was too far into a giant bucket of popcorn chicken to be affected by the hypnosis rays. Can Raven save the school before the player sets the cartridge on fire and flings it into a busy highway?

Floorboard Kids

With not even enough money to buy warm clothes or food, five deformed children decide to participate in a series of competitions using wooden planks from the front porch of someone's cottage and his fence. Can you win enough prize money to feed and clothe your racer before he dies of starvation or hypothermia?

Pac-Bastard

Apparently, there is some infidelity going on in the Pac-Man household as this forsaken offspring stars in his own simple, endless version of the game.

And finally,

Sarsnov

Help a sickly, pale Chinese man find the fabled cure-all can of Buddha's chicken noodle soup by spewing contagious microbes at your enemies and collecting several blocks with the letter "S" on them which have been scattered all over the place. These blocks contain small samples of the soup to help keep your scrawny man alive throughout the journey.

As you can tell, the Mii will reign supreme! Watch out video gaming world! It's my time to shine, motherf-ers! And why? Because it's all about mii!

My Accurate, Unbiased E3 Overview

2006-05-15T04:07:00.000-05:00

Ah, E3! It is the biggest, bestest, most importantest event in the video gaming industry! The sights, the sounds, the slippery grease saturating the floors from hot and sweaty nerds running back and forth, attempting to grab every available piece of swag, hoping to temporarily fill that void of loneliness in their hearts with free crap… yes, there is nothing quite like E3. This is a big year, too, because Nintendo and Sony have decided to show off the goods for their upcoming systems, the Ps3 and the Wii. Meanwhile, Microsoft has decided to make the enemy of their enemy their friend by showing support for Nintendo’s new system. Bill Gates even dropped by to shake hands with the staff, only to have one of his arms ripped off suddenly by an overly excited Reggie (is there any other kind?).

Nintendo’s chief marketing officer apologized several times for the incident, but Gates merely smiled and told him, "No biggie, Reg. I’ll just buy a new one later." He then threw this precious decaying freebie out to the audience to fight over.

Always the giver!

Willing to wait in line for hours, many spectators were very anxious to see and experience the future of Nintendo. No surprise, the most popular area of the expo was the "Punch the man who came up with the name ‘Wii’" booth, which consisted of a line of angry Nintendo fanboys that wrapped around the outside of the building twice.

Luckily, the man at the booth was able to locate most of his teeth before the end of the 3rd day, and is now in the process of winning the remaining molars off of Ebay.

Many great games were revealed at E3, but I'll only talk about a small portion of them, because I'm lazy, and loading video and images of all them takes forever on my dial-up dependant, six-year-old computer.

Microsoft brought joy to many of its fans when it revealed that Halo 3 was now in development. Of course, there were other great titles to look forward to on the XBox 360, such as Too Human, Gears of War, Unreal Tournament 2007, Blue Dragon, and Rainbow Six Vegas:
From Sony, there wasn’t as much excitement, but I can assure you, it does have some big sequels coming up that will justify the $600 price tag on the PS3, such as Final Fantasy 13 and Tekken 6, but I think the most intriguing title will be Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots.

The game features a much older Solid Snake who decides to go on one last mission before he is forced to retire. As usual, the storyline features plenty of twists and turns. Players soon find out that Snake is already retired, living out his days in some South Florida geezer community where illusions brought on by a late stage of Alzheimer’s disease leads the incontinent hero to lurk around BINGO halls and golf courses. Under the theme "no place to hide", Snake must find new ways to sneak around crafty metal gears (the health care staff), relying upon his Solid Eye technology, the MK. II communicator, and, as usual, a hand gun (usually, it's a banana, but he may grab a tube of toothpaste, instead).

AARP magazine says, "After watching the video, my diaper filled with excitement and anticipation!" Hey, mine too!

Finally, Nintendo fans screamed for joy with the introduction of Solid Snake as a playable 3rd-party character on Super Smash Bros. Brawl, in addition to other new faces – Pit (Kid Icarus), Wario, and Metaknight (Kirby). Suddenly, the floodgates opened wide with possibilities for this game as Nintendo alluded to the idea of bringing in even more 3rd-party characters into the mix. Who knows? We might finally get to see Sonic the Hedgehog face off against Mario. Actually, I'd like to see the Ice Climbers face off against Bubble Bobble or maybe Crono against Link. Many are anticipating up to 50 playable characters. Last I heard, Nintendo was taking suggestions through their Japanese website for additional characters, items, and stages. I'd want to see Goemon (Mystical Ninja) as a playable character, with his giant fighting robot making an appearance in the background of one of the areas, but I won't get my hopes up with him. However, I am also hoping for Little Mac and King DeDeDe to become characters, the addition of a Tetris-themed battleground with falling blocks as obstacles, and for the Adventure mode to feature a special battle against the floating head and hands of Andross. They aren't likely to happen either, but they have a better shot than Goemon.

Other characters I'd like to use include Robo (Chrono Trigger), Lara Croft (Tomb Raider), Django (Boktai), Sami (Advance Wars), Master Higgins (Adv. Island), Karnov (Karnov), and my personal favorite, Mike Haggar (Final Fight).I can hardly wait to find out more about the game. If nothing else, it had better include the series' greatest playable character, Jigglypuff. Until then, Super Mario Galaxy, Metroid Prime 3, and The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess are more than enough reasons for me to purchase a Nintendo Wii, even if the certainty of their Wiimote's motion sensor technology is still in question... along with the company's sanity.

Yes, you can use the Gamecube controllers with the Wii system. Hooray for Nintendo!

Now With Capes!

2006-05-07T02:37:00.000-05:00

Ah, it feels so good to be done with college for this semester. I love DP as much as the next really intelligent, handsome, all-around-great video gamer, but not when I am drinking can after can of it to help me stay conscious in class. I know Mountain Dew has more caffeine, but it also tastes like urine. Well, maybe not exactly like urine. After all, I’ve never seen a chimpanzee smile after drinking a bottle of Mt. Dew.

Anyhow, I am done until August, giving me about three and a half months to help sell dad’s old house, to move crap into his new house, and to play through Final Fantasy 7, Final Fantasy 8, and Chrono Cross. All I gotta do first is finish taking care of everything on Tales of Symphonia, which I didn’t realize had 8 endings and a dungeon hidden within a library book. Once I found this out, I had to abruptly stop playing my other games. I can’t claim having finished any RPG just by watching only one of its endings and making no attempt to complete its side-quests. If a developer puts forth the extra effort into making the game, then I should put forth the extra effort into experiencing all of it.

Now with my new found freedom, I have decided to talk about something near and dear to my heart, since I finally got the chance to watch an episode of its new season on ABC. The Power Rangers Mystic Force series retains the same low quality of children’s programming found within many of the show’s previous themes, but this time, they do it with capes! YES! WOOOO! Ahem, well, the show is a slightly better version of the quickly cancelled The Mystic Knights of Tir Na Nog, possibly because it doesn’t have that thick-accented, black British guy yelling "Wah-tah around me!" Even with capes, however, the new season of Power Rangers still can not compare to the first, and greatest, season of the series. In fact, the history of the Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers is almost as interesting as the show itself.

After the cancellation of Voltron: Defender of the Universe back in 1982, America went through what historians dubbed the "Great Voltron Depression." Millions of Americans died of famine and grief, while others became violent with protesting and bombings.

You may not know this, but there were originally two Statues of Liberty, one on each side of America. Demands to replace Lady Liberty’s torch with a blazing sword fell on deaf ears, resulting in the destruction of the California statue. **A little known fact: Shortly after the mess was cleaned up, part of the ruined statue was used in the climactic ending of the original movie of the Planet of the Apes.** As the Great Voltron Depression continued to ravish American society, lame spin-off Voltron shows were created and quickly axed, while Michael Jackson somehow managed to release yet another album. The situation was becoming worse with each passing day, and it was clear that neither President Reagan nor President Bush had the necessary resources to stop it. Finally, Haim Saban and Shuki Levy teamed up to create something truly magnificent. On August 28, 1993, FOX aired the first episode of the Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers!

The show was pure genius from start to finish. Those people fortunate enough to have seen the show will never forget Zordon’s fat floating head as he commanded his poorly built robot Alpha 5 to "recruit a team of teenagers with attitude" in the opening before the show’s theme song.

No easy task, mind you, but luckily, in addition to everything else in the world, KISS merchandise did include a device that checked the level of one’s attitude. With it, Alpha 5 managed to bring together a team of teenagers with attitude, and of ethnic diversity. Appropriately, an African and Asian played the roles of the black and yellow rangers. There was a Native American for the role of the red ranger, but he couldn’t stay clean long enough to finish shooting an episode. Of course, there had to be a know-it-all ranger in the group. This was basically decided upon by choosing the guy who looked best in glasses. As we all know, glasses = brains, and there’s no such thing as a stupid person with poor vision. After that, Alpha simply threw in a bimbo for good measure and voilà, the Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers were created!

Voltron fans were in awe of its greatness. Everything they had fought long and hard for had become a reality. The show included terrible dialogue, Japan-esque acting ability, and some of the most original weaponry ever thought up by someone not under the influence of marijuana. Where else can you see silly string and a Ribbon Dancer save the world from evil? Heck, "evil" isn’t even a strong enough word to describe this bunch of living nightmares.

There was Rita Repulsa and her "Make my monster GROW!" staff,

Goldar the winged monkey in golden armor who makes those growling sounds like Arnold Schwarzenegger on the Conan ‘O Brian show: "Errrr, Red Ranger, you can not stop us... errrrah."

There was the lovely Scorpina, who had the ability to be beautiful one moment and hideous the next (kinda like Sarah Jessica Parker). Some say Goldar loves her, and why not? Nothing wrong with a little Asian tang.

And later came Lord Zedd, who ruled in every imaginable way until he was put under a spell and forced to marry Rita. Surprisingly, the Rita and Zedd sex tape is one of the few things left that you won't find on the internet. Ugh.

What the show lacked in original footage (you might notice in the first season that the yellow ranger turns into a man several times during battles) it made up for with its high level of quality. Regardless of where you attacked the rangers, pain was always represented with a single black dot on their chests, just like in real life! Also, the ideas for monsters to face the rangers were chosen carefully and meticulously, taking into account the originality of their names, abilities, and appearances. Some of these monsters included the following:

Gnarly Gnome, Pudgy Pig, Chunky Chicken,

Mr. Ticklesneezer, Terror Toad, Babe Ruthless,

and my personal favorite, Pineoctopus, who took the form of Pineapples the Clown and turned people into cardboard cut-outs. CARDBOARD! F--K YEAH!

Even with all of this, fans still desire a return of Voltron. There is the possibility of a movie in the near future, and who knows, maybe even a new cartoon series that is more loyal to the original, instead of more crappy spin-off shows. Until then, grab yourself a DVD copy of Voltron (or VHS, whatever) and the series of the Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers and bask in their cinematic glory.

^_^ Man, it’s good to relax again!

The Greatest Ideas in Video Gaming History

2006-04-09T21:39:00.000-05:00

Yeah, yeah, not another one of these sorts of things. I've seen a bunch of these lists and do they forget to mention important things? Of course they do, and the worst mistakes involve giving credit to those who were the most innovative throughout the history of video games. I won't list these in any particular order, because that's a matter of personal preferences, but they should always be somewhere on the list! It's like Super Mario Bros. on a "greatest games of all time" list or Super Mario Bros. on a "greatest movies of all time" list! Whether you like it or hate it, you have to admit its greatness.

1. When you consider how great the graphics have become over the years, it's no surprise to see hot, animated girls in full detail, with their goods jiggling about. Softcore porn, like Dead or Alive Volleyball and Rumble Roses are usually enough to get the typical, girl-deprived gamer going, but for chubby-chasers and others who aim low enough to have likely found a woman desperate enough, they need a bit more than just innuendo. They need games whose whole focus is sexual. Fortunately, they've got games like Playboy: the Mansion, and Singles: Flirt Up Your Life which support decent graphics to render beautiful women, even though I think only Singles really goes the extra mile to show full nudity.

As you can see, the gaming industry has come a long way from it's beginnings with the Atari and its 8-bit games, but so what? A 10-year-old can tell you that sex sells. The real geniuses I'm focusing upon in this entry are those that looked at the Atari and said "Wow! Naked women on this thing would be HOT!" Any sane person would agree that building a sex slave out of LEGOs is almost as stimulating as a real woman, or at least, a sock puppet with marbles glued to it. Yes, it was the "in your face" bad attitude of these developers that resulted in classics like Custard's Revenge and Beat'em and Eat'em which pushed the boundaries of the gaming industry back then, just as Rockstar and GTA is doing today with their mini-game Hot Coffee; a game so sexy that it led many to having calluses on their right hands! I know it's hard to believe that a system as old as the Atari could ever attain such a graphic degree of adult entertainment, but they did, and here's the proof:

Can you honestly tell me that this doesn't excite you?

2. Playing video games is a great way to relieve stress, stir up healthy competition, activate the imagination, and simply provide a great deal of fun. The only way to make video games even more fun is to turn them into your own tangible escape from reality! This is why I consider the next greatest idea in the world of gaming to be the brilliant merchandising!

Think about it like this: If you're a video gamer, you want to show your love for the games and developers you like most. If you're not, seeing these tokens of gaming appreciation on somebody else makes it easier on you when figuring out who to make fun of, exclude from social gatherings, and basically torture for the rest of their lives. It's a win-win situation! Of course, just making shirts and hats of our favorite video games isn't the brilliant idea, it's everything else! Don't worry, I wouldn't make such a grand statement without proof. Once you see some of the products that these mascots sponsor, it will become blantantly obvious as to why these sorts of marketing gems are deserving of being on the list of greatest ideas of all time.

You've got toys:

Like the Giant-Headed, Remote-Controlled Donkey Kong Kart Racer!

Your children will scream for joy, or possible out of fear, when they open the box and see DK's huge face staring off into oblivion.

Then there's a whole assortment of plush toys, each one more cuddly and adorable than the last, but none are as enjoyable as the gang from Tekken! Well, not Yoshimitsu. He is sold out. Watch as your child plays with the fighters, re-creating his favorite match-ups that don't include Yoshimitsu, and then, after 20 minutes, quickly becomes bored with them and moves on to playing with the plush toys of Soul Calibur. It's just like playing the video games! Of course, you can find Heihachi Mishima in both fighting series, but everybody knows the Playstation version of Soul Calibur 2 is the worst one! Nobody likes Heichy, and I bet it's because his hair looks like that of a balding troll doll.

In keeping with the children demographic, another mind-blowning product was created:

The Nintendo Cereal System is the granddaddy of gaming merchandise greatness! Utilizing the shapes of not one, but two Nintendo masterpieces, the Nintendo Cereal System is to breakfast what beer is to every other meal (and breakfast). It's so great, even Link and Mario endorse it's SUPER! taste. You're right, Link! The Nintendo Cereal System has INDEED rescued breakfast. And remember, if you can't beat'em, eat'em. Oh man, it rhymes! That's BRILLIANT!

Ok, calm down. Good. Now, it's not like everything related to video games was made for children. I mean, there's...

Perfect for anyone wanting to learn the beautiful language of Japanenglish.

"Well, I had much hateness for my poor talks, but with the great mustard of Fawful Phonics, I am knowing my words will no longer be in expensing humor!"

~ Barry, from Resident Evil

Fawful guarentees you that Hooked on Finknics! will not be a time of wasting or the money's return will be a thing of certainness.

There's also... ZANGROIDS!

You can't go pro without them!

3. Mike Haggar

Considered by many (just me) as being the greatest idea for a video game character ever conceived, this former mayor of Metro city was once a one-man wrecking crew for ridding the streets of the Mad Gear Gang. He now makes his living fighting only the most least well-known wrestlers around the world! It's clear that Mike Haggar should be a playable character in each and every single video game ever made by Capcom.

His hobbies include pounding punks.

He helps to control the luchador immigration problem coming from Mexico by single-handedly guarding the Texas border and using the spinning pile driver on all those unfortunate enough to run into him.

Plus, the man is full of wit and charm.

Mike Haggar is a loving father, a true hero, and the leading cause of cronic back pain.

4. Finally, there's the idea that everyone is qualified to become a game reviewer. I, for one, am in favor of letting everybody express their opinions about individual video games; especially those relying upon a diction of only a 1000 or so words. No one should purchase a video game without first knowing how many greats and goods the game earned in a review by a 14-year-old whose experience in the world of video games includes those titles made as far back as 1998. You can tell that this kid knows what he is talking about, because he has his own authentic rating system from 1.0 to 10.0. I remember playing Fire Emblem a while back, and I gotta say, the graphics did feel a bit "8.5"ish. According to him, if I had played Final Fantasy Tactics, I could have had additional 0.5 graphics, along with a 9.5 amount of fun, instead of 9.0.

I'm telling you, if it wasn't for this idea, we'd all be buying marginally less enjoyable games, and not even know it!

I know there are all sorts of really good ones out there, but I feel that it is enough to address these four main points to the public. We can't have another "Greatest Ideas in Video Gaming History" and neglect the obvious. Thank you.

This blog entry is not sponsored by Tomb Raider: the Board Game:

Play as Lara Croft, or as one of 3 forgetable minor characters from the series! You'll spend hours searching for the fun that the makers claim to exist within the game!

Yes! No more March Madness commercials!

2006-04-01T00:45:00.000-05:00

I'm just quickly going over a few things. Don't read it expecting anything interesting, because I know I probably won't read this entry ever again.

I got to enjoy my birthday stuck in a lab, apparently toying with whatever bacterial species smelled like wet, moldy carpet. I received a new CD player and a pair of basic headphones, since I don't like those ear plug headphones that go inside the ear where all the wax is. All I would need is someone to borrow my player, stick those into their ears, and then hand them back to me. That's almost as bad as using another person's comb or toothbrush. Also, those ear plugs make it easier for a person to go deaf from listening at higher volumes. It's scary to walk by some guy with an iPod that is playing it so loudly that I can hear the music coming out of his ear plugs from down the hall. Whatever. Screw him! Soon, he can enjoy listening to an endless ringing in his ears that drowns out all other sound.

It wasn't until the 19th when mom and I visited my brother that I got to enjoy carrot cake and pizza. Ian gave me a VCR that won't work in my room, but is perfect for the living room. I bid farewell to the old VCR by throwing it into the trash and dumping a mixture of cigarette ashes, old food, and warm soda all over it. I have the same funeral ritual all planned out for dad. I also got myself $25 for iTunes and a card that basically portrayed a dumb ass with the big rolling dumby eyes and wearing the pointed birthday hat. "You didn't want a smart ass card..." It's cute, it's stupid, it's about as funny as all the crap I come up with for this blog, and all of that adds up to it being the perfect card from mom.

Along with those games dad got from Ebay, and Ian showing me a bunch of episodes of Dragon Ball Z that I never got to watch because my former cable and satellite companies said I wasn't able to receive Cartoon Network, it turned out to be a really great birthday for me. As for DBZ, hopefully I will watch more of them later. When UPN showed DBZ, they stopped in the middle of the Frieza Saga and then showed the Tree of Might movie. After that, CN took the cartoon and aired the new episodes instead. I still haven't finished the Frieza Saga, and for good reason. How many f-ing episodes could they squeeze out using pointless babble to fill in the otherwise five-minute battles with each half hour? The entire storyline of this cartoon is poor at best, so why should anyone be subjugated to such agony? What I mean is that every saga is essentially the same thing. From what I've seen, thanks to episode-jumping, Krillin never stops sucking, that idiot clown boy always dies, and Goku somehow manages to always become incapacitated for several episodes until every other good guy is nearly dead from having to stall for time for Goku's arrival. Now that CN took Onepiece from Fox's Saturday cartoons, it's the same thing happening all over again!

I originally began to type this thing out on St. Patrick's Day, but got swept up with all sorts of other crap. I also had this whole thing in my head to type about, but by the time I got around to bringing all these little ideas together, it was just one decent insult at the Irish, followed by this ugly mess of jokes becoming worse with each new sentence. As for the day itself, I don't do things like drink on St. Patrick's Day, because I already have a drinking problem with everything else. What I mean is that it is rare to see me without this big cup of water, tea, juice, soda, or milk. Usually, I'll have a can of soda and a mug of water with me, but right now, it's only the water, since I need to get more soda.

Also, it's now been over a year of blogging for me, and if there is one thing I've learned over this time, it's that talking about myself should be at a minimum and turning my views into poor attempts at humor are slightly more enjoyable to read. The next time one of you wants to type up a public blog about your actual life, remember to ask yourself, "Will anyone actually want to read this?" If you're honest to yourself, then you won't waste your time typing it up, and I won't waste mine reading it. As for my own blog, it warns you with referring to itself as a form of punishment. Heed the warning! HEED IT!

Finally, Ian sent this picture of his dog Mojo to me. Mojo was, in fact, named after the Marvel super villian, if that's what you're wondering.

Why do people breed these hideous things?!

Ian's Insight 2

2006-03-25T14:02:00.000-05:00

** I'm not sure if I edited the last one or not, but I've left this one alone. If you are offended easily by cuss words or graphic adult content, as opposed to everything else on this crappy little blog of mine, then avert your eyes, or you too will be condemned to Hell with all the other horrible sinners around the world: Gays, Strippers, Muslims, Rockers, Rappers, Single Mothers, everyone working at Comedy Central, and, of course, Democrats. **

"I went to take a pis in the public restroom in Mark's house when I caught him taking a shit and reading some porno called "The Wall Street Journal" so I headbutted him with the football helmet that I just happened to be wearing then I went to help him up, but I was really just extending my hand to shove a drillbit through his ribcage and tie his carcass to a rope to swing from the top of a building while I was setting the place on fire, and calling in to the local radio station to tell them they suck ass, because I was listening to it at like 10:43 and they were playing some song about love or mattress springs or whatever and if I wanted to hear bullshit about love, I would pay a whore to paint my front porch, but I wouldn't do that anymore because the last time I did that her parrot attacked me and tried to peck my eyes out and I lost my watch in the Canadian Civil war reanactment. Good job for fucking up my entire day, Mark. I have to remember to throw hot lard in your eyes the next time I go to the burger barn and you fuck up my order. How hard is it to double fry my potato skins you simp. I like them extra crispy like your mom's sundried lips. And you know who also likes crispy food? Star Jones. She wonders why she goes to the beach and the water is green. "Oh it wasn't green before I got in? Sorry, it must have been my cavernous vagina. God I hate Japanese. Fuck you."

The Return of Tatanka

2006-03-08T00:28:00.000-05:00

I was watching WWE's Smackdown, and I saw my former favorite wrestler Tatanka in a match! The feathered American wrestler was in a match with Booker T and won! Sadly, I didn't get to see his signature move, where he dances around the ring, immune to every attack that doesn't involve steel chairs or tables, geting fired up to go on a warpath. It's about as stupid as Hogan hulking up. This is where the opponent hits him a bunch of times, until his eyes bug out and he wags his finger at you before taking you out and finishing you off with his leg drop. I looked it up online, and, in fact, Tatanka had returned in February, but without cable to watch WWE Raw or Velocity, I didn't find out until I saw him appear on UPN.

Tatanka is an excellent wrestler, having been undefeated for such a long time after his original debut, and is also my favorite character to use on the SNES game WWF Royal Rumble. After that, all wrestling games from the WWF sucked, and still do to this day. Take Tatanka out of the game and that's what happens! Sure, Crush wasn't in another game after that either (while using his Kona Crush persona, that is), but Tatanka, not Crush, was the main reason for the game's success. When taking into account of my disputable proof, it is clear that Tatanka = wampum. All future wrestling merchandise should include Tatanka in order to maximize the product's sellability.

I don't know why he stopped wrestling for so long, but Tatanka (I believe that means "buffalo") is back, using the same ring entrance theme and wearing his giant chief hat, but without the tuft of red hair at the top of his head. Really, the world of wrestling is perfect for a feathered American. We know a lot of wrestlers come from Canada and Mexico, but what state seems to produce a wrestler every few minutes? Texas! There are so many Texan wrestlers: "Stone Cold" Steve Austin, the world's strongest man, Mark Henry, John "Bradshaw" Layfield, Eddie Guerrero, etc. and it's simply because Texans, in general, are loud, obnoxious brawlers. They are perfect for 3 jobs: wrestler, football player, and overly-friendly businessman who loves drinking beer at topless bars. Actually, "...who loves drinking beer at topless bars" can be placed after the other two jobs as well. Actually, let's just have that phrase by itself: Texans are people "who love drinking beer at topless bars." There we go! Anywho, Native Indian Americans hate cowboys, according to the historical documents of black and white westerns, and since Texas Stadium has a strong security watching the place, it's kinda obvious that Tatanka joined the WWF in hopes of getting revenge for his tribe by beating up Texan wrestlers. I admire that sort of insane determination, and was moved by his convictions to place the sins of the past squarely on those who deserve to be punished the most: the innocent offspring of those injun-killing ancestors!

If anyone else reading this is originally from Texas, then you know what I'm talking about. Those feathered Americans can smell a Texan right away. I was only in the state for the first 3 years of my life, and yet I must always be vigilant for a possible arrow attack from a nearby Seminole, who, having no actual link to the Wild West, seeing as how he is from Florida, not Texas, is nonetheless driven mad by the stench of a nearby Lone Star citizen. In order to leave my house, I must release game into my yard and wait for the hunter to take the poor creature as a prize. This necessary sacrifice provides me with enough time to check the mail, throw out the trash, and yes, even run the dogs outside. Last week, I sent out a deer I called "Nickel." Yesterday, I had to use a rabbit I named "Fluffernutter." It's gruesome to say the least, but these Natured Americans are persistent in obtaining their revenge.

Glad to see you back, Tatanka! I can't wait for next Friday's Smackdown.

Week of Rest

2006-03-05T01:49:00.000-05:00

It's March, and on top of many other great things, colleges celebrate its arrival with Spring Break! After such a heavy bombardment of exams from 4 of my 5 classes, I get a week to prepare for the second wave. Of course, Spring Break isn't just about getting ahead in your schoolwork, regardless of what you all might believe. It is also a time to have fun, and being the gregarious person that I am, I plan to spend much of my time in my room sleeping and playing some of the new games I received, but haven't had a chance to try out. In addition to all those games from Christmas, I now have a handful of games my dad bought off of Ebay as gifts for my birthday, which is coming up on the Ides of March. These games are Ikaruga and Custom Robo for the Gamecube, Chrono Cross for the Playstation, a functional Super Nintendo with Wizardry V: Heart of the Maelstrom and Ultima: the False Prophet, and Bubble Bobble: Old and New for the Gameboy Advance.

I recently finished Advance Wars 2: Black Hole Rising again, unlocking all the maps and characters again, and playing many of the War Room maps for S rankings again. I didn't mind doing that for Jeremy, because the Advance Wars series is truly worth the effort to learn and enjoy. AW1 is terrific, but I really appreciate all the new designs of each character in AW2, even if the game itself is nothing new from the first one, with exception to the NeoTanks.

Sturm, especially, got himself a new look that actually made him look fearsome, instead of some reject boss from another bad Disney game. He also got himself a group of his own COs to lead his army. If I can get my hands on a Nintendo DS, you can bet the first game I will look for is Advance Wars: Dual Strike.

Having finished both the Mega Man Anniversary Collection for my Gamecube and Black Hole Rising again for my Game Boy Advance, I have switched to Custom Robo and, of course, Bubble Bobble: Old and New.

Custom Robo is annoying to control much of the time! What I mean is, the game battles are great fun, but when those battles become more difficult, moving around the arena feel like running knee-deep through water. If I get my butt knocked to the ground, I tpyically need to jump and thrust elsewhere, because I know my opponent won't give me the time needed to build up running speed. Being in the air isn't much better. There isn't a nicer target than a robot in the middle of the air; high above all the walls that it would normally be safe behind. Really though, it's not that big of a deal, and I love the challenge. The game allows for an assortment of robo parts within five categories: body, gun, pod, legs, and bomb, and you switch around parts according to what you feel is necessary to win the next fight. I don't understand why certain villians don't simply punch out one of the good guys during a battle. They are in a vulnerable position of concentration when they control one of these toys. It's like when the good guys on some terrible show, like the Power Rangers, the Winx Club, Sailor Moon, etc. are in the middle of those long, repeated sequences where they change uniforms. Just hit them! They are right there! If it was me, I'd have a friend "dive" into his robo, allow him and the good guy to fight, then take a brick to the good guy's head. After a few words of yelling at the guy while he's lying in a pool of blood, I'd then spike the brick into his face and my friend and I would go out to get some Chinese food. That is, if we were villians, which we aren't....

Custom Robo's storyline is about 10 hours long. When I bought it, the person selling Custom Robo called it a role-playing game. In reality, Custom Robo is an action/fighting game, so the fact that it has any kind of competent storyline makes it better than many other games from the same genres. Though, who needs a story meatier than "These guys want to fight you, so beat the s**t out of them first!" when playing something like Street Fighter 2, or "Kill bunches of people wanting to hurt you and gain cash and prizes!" when playing Smash TV. Really, 10 hours, as opposed to a five-minute introduction (if even that), is more than enough incentive to brawl.

The game is designed by Nintendo, so don't think they stopped it at the main story. Afterwards, players are treated to a Grand Battle tournament against everyone in the game. It's fun because the whole point is collecting all the parts anyhow, and while doing so, it's equally fun to try out all the various combinations with them, especially in a versus game with your friends or family. I'm particularly fond of the heavier, more defensive robos with close-range weapons: drill, shotgun, and knuckle. The characters have good personalities as well. I almost smiled at something one of them said. That's more than what any of those awful Austin Powers' movies did for me.

As for Bubble Bobble: Old and New, it's really just the original Bubble Bobble game and an updated version of it in one cartridge. If you've never played Bubble Bobble before, you really need to dust off your NES or find this game for the GBA. Bubble Bobble is not only one of the best games for the original system, it's the only time fighting with bubbles isn't horribly lame. It's even more enjoyable with a second player, and you can only see it's true ending with both players. It's one of those few games my brother actually enjoys playing, even with his embarrassing, ugly brother (me) as a partner. I bet if I asked him to hum the game's tune to me, he could do so without having touched a Nintendo controller in over a decade.

Now, for my Playstation, I have a problem. This entry's main purpose is to get help on deciding what to play for it. I have in my possession Final Fantasy 7 and 8 from Jeremy. I want to return the games as soon as I finish them, but I also have Chrono Cross now, a game I've wanted to play ever since I first heard news of Chrono Trigger's sequel in development. I know he wouldn't miss them if he waited a bit longer, because he hasn't touched them in years. I actually was the one to find them stuck in a box in his garage, while helping his parents to clean out his junk. On the other hand, it's his stuff and he can choose to do whatever he wants with his games, even if that means doing nothing with them. So, should I start with playing FF 7 and 8, returning his games as soon as I'm finished, or putting them aside to play a game I've been wanting to play even more. I've never played any of these titles, so I'm a bit anxious to play all of them.

Choices for the first game to play:

1. Final Fantasy 7
2. Final Fantasy 8
3. Chrono Cross
4. This blog entry isn't funny, it isn't interesting, and you can go f--k yourself if you think I really give a s--t about you and your problems! (This may be chosen along with one of the other three options).

Not Knowing When to Stop

2006-02-17T15:34:00.000-05:00

I've spent about a month of free time playing Megaman's 15th Anniversary Collection, which was released a while ago, so he's about 17 years old now, I think. Well, whatever. I've been playing Mega Man games 1 through 8, enjoying all the old tunes, graphics, and, of course, the various robot bosses used by Dr. Wily, Dr. Cossack (under the control of Dr. Wily), a fake Proto Man, who was also under the control of Wily, and Mr. X (A.K.A. Dr Wily). I guess Wily follows that old motto: "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again... at least once a year... in a practically-identical-to-the-previous-attempt fashion." Many say that great things come in groups of three, not eight. This also holds true for the spin-off series of Mega Man X, Mega Man Zero, and Mega Man Battle Network. To be perfectly honest, each of these series should stop at part 2 and go out on top. No one should follow the examples of Michael Jordan and Dan Marino, slowly becoming a joke with each passing year. Once you start seeing the same bosses re-named for the third time (Fire Man --> Heat Man --> Flame Man) it's a sure sign that something needs to drastically change or be cancelled. Capcom decided to change it! Yes, they changed it to Mega Man X, and made all the "Man" robots into animal robots. Genius! Once that gets old, they make Mega Man into a sort of card game, re-using all the old robots, because games centralizing around the theme of collecting cards (I'm sorry, "chips") is a fad that will never get old; kinda like making games about WWII or being a mobster/gangster. Anyhow, most gamers can already tell you all about the problems of Capcom and its barrage of new, but same, Mega Man games, so instead, I would like to address something that is rarely discussed (in Antarctica). That's right, I would like to talk about the robot masters! Oh, joy.

I decided to hold off on this until I had defeated each and every robot master from all 8 games of the 15th anniversary collection, and only when I was too tired to actually think up something interesting to read. Besides, it is easier to compare these guys with each other when all of them are brought together into one game. So, starting from the beginning:

In the original Mega Man game, Dr. Light created the first batch of bots for Rock to face. Seeing as how he created Mega Man himself, one might think these 6 robots would be a bit more intelligent and powerful. Yeah.

Only Elec Man really provides anyone with a decent fight. At full health, he could still kill you in 3 hits. Other variations of him include Spark Man, Cloud Man, and Clown Man. It's pretty obvious that Elec Man was the only guy to make good use of the awesome power of electricity. His attack is very important and I can sum up why with two words: "Yellow Devil." Unfortunately, it's the only weakness of that one-eyed annoyance.

Guts Man may be the strongest (physically) of the bunch, but his attack isn't any more effective than that of most of the other 5 robots. His earned attack is a piece of crap. The only time you may use it is when a block or boulder is nearby, and the only guy it's super effective against is Cut Man, the lamest of the six. Still, a lot of people must like him though, since Guts Man has been seen in a number of Mega Man games, and is even a good guy in the Battle Network series.

Simply put, Cut Man sucks. His attack is helpful throughout the game, but fighting him for it is like fighting a girl scout for a box of those addictively-delicious cookies; in the end, you feel bad for doing so, but you know that was necessary. Even his appearance is pathetic. It was like he was originally supposed to be just another low-class baddie in one of the stages of a real boss, but someone decided to stick Pac-Man on top of his head and make him into a robot master instead.

Bomb Man's concept: a robot that fights with explosives. Brilliant!
Bomb Man's appearance: an overweight robot with a stupid mohawk that fights with bombs made by Acme. Brilliant!!
Bomb Man's weapon: basically turns Mega Man into Bomberman. BRILLIANT!!!

Ice Man is built to be like a real-life Eskimo: he enjoys the taste of blubber and can shoot deadly shards of ice from his hands. Dr. Light also gave him the unique ability to stand in one place the entire time. Ice Man isn't really much of a problem, but without the Magnet beam, his stage is a total pain in the butt once you come to those appearing/disappearing blocks.

I like Fire Man! He looks cool and he fights well. His stage isn't too easy or too difficult. He is the overall best robot in the game. He looks even better in Mega Man Battle Network! Why can't all the robots be like him? :)

With the release of Mega Man 2, we discover how deadly a scuba diver, a zippo lighter, and a giant log truly are! This sequel is considered by many to be the best in the series. With the addition of two more robots to choose from at the start of the game and passwords to allow players the opportunity to stop and save, at the very least, this game is a great improvement over the original.

Bubble Man... who the f--k makes a robot that attacks you with bubbles? Green and blue dinosaurs are one thing, but when you invest a lot of your time towards building a machine that utilizes the full fighting potential of a wet bar of soap, you really need to stop looking at your bathroom for ideas on how to take over the world. On the other hand, after the hell I went through of avoiding all of those insta-kill spikes, I find the actual fight with Bubble Man to a pleasant reward. His weapon doesn't really do much to enhance your gaming experience, since it's no more than just rolling a ball at your enemies. Kid Niki also had painful bubbles to worry about, but when the first boss is called Death Breath, expectations tend to remain low throughout the rest of the game.

Flash Man is a complete embarrassment. After running through a stage full of glowing ice cubes, you are greeted by some Mega Man wannabe with the awesome ability to freeze time. Instead of fully utilizing such a dangerous weapon, he runs back and forth in the room, freezing time only once every 15 to 20 seconds, shooting at only what's in front of him, and only with very basic energy shots. The redeeming quality from the whole experience is being able to survive Quick Man's stage with Flash Man's weapon. If you think about it, if Wily never built Flash Man, no one would ever be able to get through Quick Man's stage, and Dr. Wily would finally succeed at world domination. Hooray for Flash Man!!

Quick Man's name is very misleading. Sure, his giant, insta-kill beams require you to be on your toes, but the guy himself shows no real sign of him being any faster than the other 7 robots. Really, he spends most of his time jumping around and flinging boomerangs. Those things barely hurt, too. The only way Quick Man can actually win the fight is if you let him fall on top of you.

Being able to shoot a steady loop of boomerangs isn't bad, and if you are playing the game with a controller that has semi-auto capabilities, you could hold down the shoot button and it would look like Mega Man was running around with a chainsaw. ^_^

Wood Man is a fat moron who actually tries to kill you with leaves. WITH LEAVES! He also believes those same leaves can be used as a shield from attacks. LEAVES! Ok, so he may be correct, but using leaves is still idiotic. What's next, flowers? HA HA... ha... ha... er.... Ok! So, Mega Man fights Wood Man, cuts him into pieces using the greatest earned weapon in any Mega Man game, and receives a sweet little leaf shield that is great for standing still while those mama bird bots in Crash Man's stage keep dropping eggs full of tiny birds that provide lots of useful items. I'm sure there's a penis joke about Wood Man somewhere on the net, but I'm not about to go browsing for it.

80% Nitrogen + 20% Oxygen = 100% dead Crash Man. There are several questionable weaknesses for Wily's robot masters, but when you create a bot who is greatly affected by air, you really gotta wonder what possessed the bad doctor to even bother with this guy. He has such a great weapon, too! It would have been a better idea to save his body design for one of those other robots who aren't really bad fighters, but look like complete idiots (Charge Man, Plant Man, Cloud Man, Star Man, etc.). Really, that's the only problem I have with this guy. It's not like he dies to that giant cyclone of wind from Tengu Man or Storm Eagle. It's this tiny tornado that I've seen Mario use to skip levels in Super Mario Bros. 3; and it's the same tornado Link uses to teleport from one entrance to another in The Legend of Zelda. In both games, the tornado is summoned with a flute, which is why I punch out the first person I see playing a musical instrument whenever a hurricane comes into Florida. Granted, this person probably didn't summon a natural disaster with his music, but why take that chance?!

Heat Man is a zippo lighter whose stage is the sole reason for Item-2 being in the game. I still can't find a reason for Item-3. His weapon is the first time Mega Man actually gets to charge up his attack before unleashing it on his foes. Heat Man is cool. Those of you who make fun of Heat Man are too blind to see why a zippo is the perfect symbol for a fire-themed bot. Those things are more durable than the chair used to hold up my best friend Jeremy's fat butt.

I've always liked Air Man, and my first memories of Mega Man were seeing those floating heads in Air Man's stage that raise and lower their horns while little, annoying robots come out from the sides to bother me. Fighting him isn't difficult, but it's impossible to not get hit by his twisters.

Metal Man is the greatest robot master in all 8 games! His level is fun, as is fighting him at the end of it. His weapon is the only thing greater than himself. He even looks awesome. Everything about Metal Man is perfect. What else can I say about him?

Well, proving that lightning can strike thrice, a third Mega Man game was released that was every bit as good (and bad) as the second one.

Hard Man is another penis joke waiting to be told. He is good at squishing you and his weapon is a bit slow on its ability to move up and down, but it works a bit like Crash Man's weapon, so that's fine, I guess.

Spark Man is a douchebag. He looks like an idiot and his weapon has no originality to it. A big ball of electricity hits things. Oooo, wow!

Snake Man's appearance is alright. Who doesn't like snakes? The floor makes it hard to avoid him or his search snakes, but he is still easy enough to gun down with your M. Buster.

Magnet Man has a great weapon, but it's not until Mega Man Battle Network that he actually looks good, too. As for MM3, Magnet Man looks like a red Cutman. There is nothing special about him outside of something stupid on his head. I can't really be mean to the guy whose weapon helps me kill off about half of the Doc bots at Wily's fortress, but that's still not enough to ignore the way he looks.

Here we go! Top Man introduced the first weapon that allowed Mega Man to get physical with his opponents. Actually, I never use Top Man's weapon, because touching the robot to spin attack him always gets me hit as well. "Oh, his weapon is so useful, especially against Wily!" Bah! I've beaten that game quite a few times and never did I rely upon Top Spin to kill anything, except myself whenever I was getting bored. The other thing about Top Man is that he is the first toy-based robot. You might be saying that he is the only toy-based robot, but let's not forget about Spring Man, who is unoffically based upon the Slinky, or Junk Man, whose name obviously means he was based loosely upon one of those choking hazards that comes with a Happy Meal. A better idea would be Top Gun Man; a robot with an arm cannon that could shoot slow-moving male volleyball players at Rock. When fully charged, the cannon would fire an oily, half-naked Maverick at its targets! He'd be the second greatest robot master ever built (the first being Chuck Norris Man, whose body is immune to all attacks and destroys his opponents with an unstoppable roundhouse kick).

Gemini Man is the product of two great ideas: the laser beam and the threesome. Gemini Man is another bot who prefers to mow down Mega Man rather than actually attack him. The catch is that he likes to create a clone of himself and run in a circular pattern, waiting for Mega Man to shoot first. Clever. The only thing I dislike about his weapon is missing with it. Watching it bounce around the screen quickly becomes annoying as you are being attacked and are unable to fire back until the laser finally disappears.

Shadow Man is the MM3 equivalent of Metal Man. His attack can be aimed like Metal Man's and he is a pain in the balls to deal with. While his floor isn't moving you back and forth, Shadow Man makes up for this by only being weak to Top Man's sucktastic attack. Spinning your way to victory is never a sure bet, since the attack tends to vary in its potency and is difficult to connect with. Actually, the guy moves all over the board, flinging trios of stars and sliding across the floor. Hitting him with any weapon quickly becomes a challenge.

Finally, my favorite robot in part 3, good 'ol Needle Man. His level isn't much to worry about, but the guy is prepared for everything. If Mega Man keeps his distance, Needle Man meets him with a barrage of spikes from his arm cannon. If Mega Man gets too close, Needle Man switches to using a very painful headbutt. While four hits with the Gemini Laser is all it takes to kill him, it's also very easy to miss him, and you know what that means: waiting for that stupid laser to disappear so that you can shoot at him again.

And that's it! Mega Man 1 introduced gamers to the Blue Bomber and parts 2 and 3 made the series into a major success. After that, it's really nothing but a bunch of clone games with robot masters using variations of all of the attacks found within the first 3 games. Sure, there are a few robots worth mentioning, and I wouldn't leave them out, but I don't fell inclined to give every robot its own paragraph.

Mega Man 4: Cossack sucks!

The Good - Pharoah Man has enough intelligence to switch between basic shots and charged blasts. He moves quickly and his attack is rather painful. He looks powerful and his earned weapon is handy in a lot of situations.

The Bad - Toad Man jiggles, gets shot, and re-jiggles until he is dead. Sure, his weapon is good for clearing the screen, but against you, he never gets to use it unless you're actually stupid enough not attack him.

More Bad - I guess if Mega Man had asthma, Dust Man would likely be his worst nightmare, but seeing as how Mega Man doesn't actually breath to survive, I fail to see why a dirt-slinging robot master is a good idea.

Mega Man 5: why?!

The Good - Star Crash (aka. Leaf Shield version 3.0) and Dark Man

The Bad - All 8 masters are pathetic and 7 of their weapons suck! Star Man is one of the poorest-looking robots in the series.

Mega Man 6: proves why Dr. Wily is the master of disguise

The Good - watching a car run over the cartridge

The Bad - Wind Man, Tomahawk Man, Knight Man, Flame Man, Blizzard Man, Yamato Man, Plant Man, Centaur Man, all of the bosses found within Wily's fortress, Proto Man, Mega Man, Dr. Light, Dr. Cossack, and the Capcom staff who created it. Let's throw Carrot Top in there, too, just because.

Leaf Shield version 4.0 - Petal Barrier

Mega Man 7 - There's Wario and Shadow the Hedgehog, so why not Bass and Treble!

The Good - Slash Man and Shade Man both provide decent weapons. Shade Man has one of the best stages in the series, while Slash Man is one of the meanest robot masters Mega Man has ever had to fight.

The Bad - Cloud Man. As if being the king of clouds isn't bad enough, you can defeat him by trapping him in a giant bubble. He's also fat.

My favorite robot master - Junk Man. He comes complete with Leaf Shield version 5.0.

Mega Man 8 - voice acting for Mega Man is a girl?

The Good - all the robot masters put up a good fight and have personalities. Everyone likes Tengu Man!

The Bad - Aqua Man's water balloons. It's not so much "Ha-ha." funny as it is "Oh, that was supposed to be a joke?" funny. I understand. I make a lot of those jokes, too (many of which are found in this awful blog).

I know I didn't put much emphasis on the Mega Man games past part 3, and I don't care. MM4 wasn't that fun and MMs 5 and 6 are downright awful. Mega Man 7 has a better batch of robots, but that's only after a long reluctance by Capcom to switch from the NES to SNES. As a result, the fans of the series are reduced to poor sequels from the NES or mixed bags of robot masters pulled from each of the NES games and shrunk into Game Boy sequels. What's weird is that despite the re-using of the robot masters, the Game Boy versions actually provided a few decent new ideas later used in Mega Man 7 (Sorry, Tengo isn't one of them).

As a single game, the Anniversary Collection was fun, if only because of the first 3 games. Oh, there are also the Power Battles one can unlock from defeating the robot masters from the other 8 games, but those are two of the worst fighters I've ever played! Cacpom doesn't even make original sprites for all the characters. Robot masters from Mega Man 7 are cut and pasted onto the Power Battles, mixed in with a bunch of giant cartoony drawings of robots from the other 6 games. Every ending is a plead from the Power Battles to be put out of its misery, and strategy is little more than you rapidly pounding on the fire button, which is likely why the arcade games weren't released in the states. Sure, you get to use the weapons of each fighter you defeat, but they really don't add anything to the battles. It's these sorts of games, where the sole purpose is to squeeze out a few more dollars off the fame of the series alone, that make me sick. Granted, without Mega Man, Capcom would have never survived long enough to release Street fighter II, but where's the sense in punishing its fans with all of these mediocre sequels? "Thanks for making Capcom a success. Here's a clump of s*** shaped like a Nintendo cartridge. Enjoy!"

*cough* Queer! *cough*

Ranting, Venting, Whining, call it Whatever!

2006-02-15T00:09:00.000-05:00

This is officially my most-hated semester of college, and it’s simply because I got not one, not two, not three, but FOUR "I love it, and so should you!" professors. Yes, out of 5 classes, it’s quite disturbing to realize that I have practically signed the death warrant of my decent GPA as multiple exams, quizzes, and extra curricular assignments hound me. Oh, how I cringe each time I hear "you should be familiar with..." or "you should know that…" from one of these four morons. Most complain about the amount of work or the difficulty of tests and quizzes, but the real problem behind both is the requirements from each department of education within a college or university. Setting the bar to unbearable heights within such a short period, education outside of high school is not only expensive and time-consuming, but it’s also meaningless; that is, unless you get the necessary degrees to pursue your career goals. While there are always exceptions amongst the staff, the vast majority of professors do little to help their students actually learn something in class. Students are so busy cramming all the info needed to pass an eight-chapter exam every 3 weeks, that they need really develop any kind of appreciation for whatever they’re studying for. How many of us have taken tests only to forget 90% of the material they studied so diligently within the first few hours after the test? Heck, after a month, it’s nearly a guarantee that little more than a single line of information has actually been retained. The only bits of info that students remember are those that they willingly learn during their free time. The only thing most classes at a college or university provide its students with is a grading system that favors those who are good at memorizing. They aren’t paying outrageous tuition fees in order to learn how to work in a particular career! Students are paying to figure out how effective their short-term memory is. When I ask older adults what they learned at college, most of them tell me something along the lines of: "I really don’t remember anything from college. I learned everything I needed to know from actually doing the job." So, if many graduates aren’t really taking much with them from their 4+ years of higher education, why are these professors even being paid? Why should people pay to go to class each day, stress out from test after of test of mind-numbing facts, and walk out just as empty-headed as when they arrived? Because if you don’t, you won’t get one of those cool pieces of paper that tell you that you’re qualified to work in a particular career. I don’t suggest that administrators simply hand out degrees to those who can afford them, but I do think professors need to actually teach their subjects at a pace that doesn’t feel so rushed. The various departments of education need to stop pressuring their professors to cover a particular amount of information per semester, and simply allow them to teach what they feel is important. Ever hear that story about the hunter who tried to catch 2 rabbits and ended up with none? Don’t be so greedy! If a professor forces too much upon the student, they won’t learn anything useful. So many required notes tend to overwhelm a person’s mind. A better idea would be to condense the information so that it is taught at a pace that would allow a student to actually understand what they are studying. If that student is truly interested in the matter, he or she will voluntarily look for more info on the subject at a library, on the Internet, or out in the real world.

Recent news stories here in Florida have mentioned 2 things: charging the same tuition fee for all students, regardless of how many hours they take, and bumping up the already overly-expensive tuition fees for Florida universities. Our country’s overall intelligence in circling the crapper and it doesn’t help when you gotta be wealthy to have an education. It’s the 21st century, and we still have that huge gap between the rich and the poor that has existed since the beginning of time? Florida, especially, is in dire straits when it comes to education. Are the terms "Floriduh" and "Floridiots" not a big enough clue as to our education system? Eventually, it will go back to that point where only the wealthy will be able to afford a decent education, and why would they want an education for a high-paying job when they are already wealthy?

America’s educational system is joke amongst other countries. We make everything so easy up towards high school, making sure not to hurt the feelings of all those special people who don’t want to feel stupid, and then following it up with colleges and universities that pay people to stuff as much crap into our heads within such a short amount of time, that they don’t even pause long enough to notice that all that crammed information is merely oozing right out our ears. We go from one extreme to another, and all I want to know is where the f***ing middle is?! I don’t want to hear "you should already know that…" because that statement would fall under the ideal belief that students actually remember all the crap they studied a semester, or more, ago. To say "all of this is fair game" isn’t fair at all! Why come to class and take notes only to have the professor lazily say that everything in a chapter or group of chapters is potentially going to be on an exam? Do we really need to sit in a desk for 50 to 100 minutes jotting down everything on a blackboard or some ugly PowerPoint presentation just to be told that in order to make an "A" in the course, we must basically memorize the textbook word-for-word? Hey, I can do that! Why not pay me to tell a bunch of people that they need to read the textbook? In fact, I’ll go that extra step that many other professors take and read the chapters to them! They don’t like to be referred to as "teachers" for one very good reason: they don’t actually teach. They are professors and professing is what they are good at. Standing up in front of a classroom and reading through the chapters as if everyone else in the room is illiterate.

For those of you wondering why I don't blog as often or as colorfully as I normally would, it's because I can't escape the onslaught of exams and assignments four of my five classes have been unleashing upon me. For the few blog ideas I've wanted to write about, including my previous entry, I've only been able to piece together portions of it during periods of my free time, and each time I have to do that, many of the remarks and ideas I thought were funny, maybe even interesting, at the time I would begin the entry would become fuzzy and forgotten, leaving me sitting in front of my computer, struggling to remember what it was that I was trying to say. I know I had a few decent things to say for that previous entry, but even now I can't recall what it was I was getting at. All I can think about is the 1500 pages I must read for a bibliographic essay I must have finished by April, the 10-minute Spanish oral speech I have to present on Friday that pretains to relationships (ugh...), and the lab reports for the last couple of experiments that I failed to produce any kind of positive result from.

I'm sorry if I have dissappointed the 3 or 4 people who actually read my blog, hoping to find something marginally more interesting than those foreign, poem-filled blogs that use overly dramatic, and massively detailed, imagry to help express their aspects on crap like life and love.

On another note, Maximus would like to comment on Roger Ebert's statement about video games not being art:

As a 1000-year-old film critic who has played so very few video games in his entire life that he probably couldn't even point out Super Mario in a police line-up, I'm sure the gaming industry really gives a crap about what you have to say.

Blogging with Celebrities!

2006-01-21T05:32:00.000-05:00

Do you remember when game shows were the last phase of a celebrity's career? When you saw Joan Rivers or Gilbert Gottfried as the Center Square of Hollywood Squares, you knew their spotlights were about to burn out. Thanks to the invention of reality television, we no longer have to wait for a special guest appearance or some TV special to watch as these has-beens make a last-ditch effort to regain their former glory.

With a new season of Dancing with the Stars and the introduction of FOX's Skating with Celebrities, one can only be asking, "Who the heck are these people and where are the celebrities?" I'm telling you, those ARE the celebrities! I know, I was baffled too, that's why I had to look them up to be certain.

Well, if you look at their bios, many of these "celebrities" have done a lot in their lives.

Unfortunately, outside of their initial claim to fame, few people actually care about any of these other accomplishments. It's great that many of these people will make donations to charities and non-profiting foundations, but there are a lot of people out in the world who regularly do that, and they never starred in any kind of show or movie. Let's give them a pat on the back, maybe, and then give these former celebs a chance to be on television again! Then, you continue to read each bio and you notice all the filler thrown in there:

This was taken from http://www.fox.com/skating/bios/pair2.htm and I will now highlight each section to help you understand what it all really means:

BRUCE JENNER

"Bruce Jenner captivated the world when he scored 8,634 points to break the world record in the decathlon at the 1976 Olympic games in Montreal and earned the title, "World's Greatest Athlete."

Since his athletic achievements made him world-famous, Jenner has become a motivational speaker, sports commentator, entrepreneur, commercial spokesperson, television personality, actor, producer and author. A devoted father and husband, he supports many nonprofit and charitable organizations, including the Special Olympics, the National Dyslexia Research Foundation and Athletes and Entertainers for Kids. Jenner and his wife Kris serve on the board of The Dream Foundation, which grants wishes to terminally ill adults, and C.O.A.C.H. for Kids, a mobile medical unit providing quality healthcare to under- privileged families throughout Los Angeles.

Public appearances and endorsements on behalf of a wide variety of corporate sponsors are a major part of Jenner's schedule. His first corporate relationship put him on the Wheaties cereal box for seven years. Wheaties 75th Anniversary finds him again on the front of the famed cereal box, along with fellow superstar athletes Tiger Woods and Michael Jordan.

An avid golfer, Jenner also is a commercially rated pilot who flies his own jet and races cars professionally in Grand Prix events around the world.

After the Olympics, television was a natural step for Jenner, who was a guest host and special correspondent on "Good Morning America" for seven years. He has been a commentator for NBC Sports, ABC Sports and FOX Sports, covering track and field, surfing, motocross and the CART Indy car races. His expertise in this area landed him an Outstanding International Sportscaster of the Year award.

Jenner also can be seen in guest-starring roles on many primetime television series, as a presenter and emcee on awards shows, and as a guest on talk shows including "Oprah" and "The Tonight Show with Jay Leno." He has hosted his own health series, "Healthy Lifestyles," and along with his wife Kris, has gained international attention through their infomercials. The Jenners recently completed a new video together entitled "Women's Self Defense and Fitness Program." They also appear in the video series, "Let's Play Sports."

In 1980, Jenner made his feature film debut in "Can't Stop the Music," starring Valerie Perrine. He went on to form Jenner Productions and starred in its first television production, "Grambling's White Tiger," and subsequent productions "The Steeler and the Pittsburgh Kid" and a series of Olympic minutes for syndication called "America's Hopefuls".

Jenner recently released the motivational book "Finding the Champion Within." His first book, "Decathlon Challenge: Bruce Jenner's Story," appeared on the 1977 "Best Books for Young Adults" list compiled by the American Library Association. In 1980, he authored "Bruce Jenner's Viewers Guide to the Olympics," a handbook to the Games, which was updated for the 1984 Summer Olympics. In 1984, he completed "The Teenage Guide to Fitness."

Given his own battle with dyslexia, Jenner strives to further the efforts of agencies connected with learning disabilities. He is one of several prominent Americans to be honored at the White House by the Washington, DC-based Lab School for Learning Disabilities. He received the Celebrity Outreach Award for his extensive work assisting with charity fundraisers.

A Sullivan Award winner for his outstanding performance as an amateur athlete and the Associated Press Male Athlete of the Year, Jenner was inducted into the Olympic Hall of Fame in 1986 as well as the Bay Area Hall of Fame and Connecticut Sports Hall of Fame in 1994. He is also a member of the Track and Field Hall of Fame.

Jenner has been named one of the U.S. Jaycee's Ten Outstanding Young Men in America and was voted "Father of the Year". He has also received "Father of the Year" honors from the Southern California Father's Day Committee.

Born in Mount Kisco, NY, Jenner was raised in the Westchester County area. In high school he excelled in football and basketball as well as on the track, where he was an all-State pole vault and high jump champion. He was also the Eastern United States water-skiing champion. He later accepted a track scholarship from Graceland College in Iowa, where his track coach, L.D. Weldon, recognized his great athletic potential. Himself a world-class javelin thrower, Weldon convinced Jenner to begin training for the Olympic decathlon.

Jenner lives in California with his wife Kris, and their six children: Kourtney, Kimberly, Khloe, Robert, Kendall and Kylie."

Key:
Red = info worth noting
Blue = self-promoting crap
Green = something a non-celebrity probably should have won instead
Gray = filler

So, now the bio boils down to this:

1. "Bruce Jenner captivated the world when he scored 8,634 points to break the world record in the decathlon at the 1976 Olympic games in Montreal and earned the title, "World's Greatest Athlete."" (this is the real reason why he is a celebrity and can't be denied)

"Since his athletic achievements made him world-famous, Jenner has become a motivational speaker, sports commentator, entrepreneur, commercial spokesperson, television personality, actor, producer and author. A devoted father and husband, he supports many nonprofit and charitable organizations, including the Special Olympics, the National Dyslexia Research Foundation and Athletes and Entertainers for Kids. Jenner and his wife Kris serve on the board of The Dream Foundation, which grants wishes to terminally ill adults, and C.O.A.C.H. for Kids, a mobile medical unit providing quality healthcare to under- privileged families throughout Los Angeles." (if he himself wasn't dyslexia, he probably wouldn't have donated a single dollar to this charity or to any other; with exception to playing in the Olympics, that list of other professions can be achieved by a lot of people and isn't really that big of a deal)

"His first corporate relationship put him on the Wheaties cereal box for seven years. Wheaties 75th Anniversary finds him again on the front of the famed cereal box, along with fellow superstar athletes Tiger Woods and Michael Jordan." (This goes well with him because not a whole lot of American's really watch/care about the Olympics. The fact that he ranks high enough to be next to Michael Jordan really says something)

"He received the Celebrity Outreach Award for his extensive work assisting with charity fundraisers." (Not so important, since his celeb-earning career ended long ago, leaving him with a lot of free time to kill)

"A Sullivan Award winner for his outstanding performance as an amateur athlete and the Associated Press Male Athlete of the Year, Jenner was inducted into the Olympic Hall of Fame in 1986 as well as the Bay Area Hall of Fame and Connecticut Sports Hall of Fame in 1994. He is also a member of the Track and Field Hall of Fame." (There is a Hall of Fame for everything nowadays, and eventually, everyone in the world will be part of at least one of them; who really gives a crap about Track and Field?)

And finally, what we have left is the true bio of why Bruce Jenner is on FOX's Skating with Celebrities:

"Bruce Jenner captivated the world when he scored 8,634 points to break the world record in the decathlon at the 1976 Olympic games in Montreal and earned the title, "World's Greatest Athlete." His first corporate relationship put him on the Wheaties cereal box for seven years. Wheaties 75th Anniversary finds him again on the front of the famed cereal box, along with fellow superstar athletes Tiger Woods and Michael Jordan."

And that's it right there! I mean, that's about a fifth of the whole list of crap FOX wrote about this guy. Bascially, the reason Bruce is on the show is because he is an Olympic winner from 30 years ago. Maybe all the Olympians from the 1960s had too much self-respect.

Washed up celebrities aren't the worst problem on TV, though. The real problem is having to see those guest stars I refer to as "disposable celebrities" on my favorite sitcoms, specials, and sports. These are those flash-in-the-pan morons with no talent or charisma, but make the most of their 15 minutes of fame by appearing on TV as many times as they can before the audience gets sick of them. Ordinary people from reality shows make up the large sum of these cretins, and are rarely the winners of the actual shows they were in. Of course, more well-known losers include Paris Hilton, Simon Cowell, Willian Hung, and Jared Fogel: a wealthy slut, a British a-hole, a stereotypical Asian kareoke singer, and someone who took over 20 years to discover he could lose weight if he stopped gorging on food-shaped grease blobs called "value meals" at McDonald's.

Here's an easy way of telling the difference between wash-ups and disposables: if an announcer actually has to tell the audience why so-and-so is a celebrity, then what you are looking at is a disposable.

The bottom line of this post is that I'm just sick to death of both groups. If a reality show idea sucks, producers seem to believe that creating it with a bunch of D-list celebrities will be enough to make it great. It's kinda like that old saying: "you can put make-up on a pig, but it's still going to be Rosie O' Donnell."

Don't get me wrong! This isn't to say the A, B, and C-List celebrities are much better. You knew becoming a celebrity would mean being hounded by the fans and reporters. It's the same way for any other job. Teachers knew the risks of their job when they saw news about Colombine and baseless sexual harassment lawsuits from students trying to get even with a teacher who didn't give them a good grade, cops knew that they might die fighting crime, and even my dad knew that working as a therapist would mean working with mentally unstable and potentially dangerous people. Still, many celebrities have this idea that they should be treated just like normal people... you know, until they get in trouble and want to use their fame to avoid punishment - "Do you know who I am?"

One other thing I'd like to mention was inspired from a People magazine I saw lying on a table. It featured a section about Star Jones' transformation and her tips/advice about weight loss. In the section, it says she doesn't want to be a spokesperson for any one type of diet, because it may not be right for somebody else, and in some cases, may lead to serious injury or even death. She talks about her hard life as a land whale and finishes up with tidbits about how she lost her weight. Oh man, what a trooper she is! Who is she to give advice on losing weight?! We all know that she had her stomach stapled to about the size of a golfball. What kind of further weight loss tips does one need to drop a few pounds when they've only got about 10% of that organ left to work with? What's worse is that she looks as ugly as other stomach-stapled celebs, like Al Roker and Randy Jackson. All that sick, flabby skin with a really thin face and saggy, still kinda chubby lower body... they all got that bowling pin shape to their figures now, and it's grotesque. Well, Mrs. Jones, I'm glad you gave your fans those really helpful dieting tips, because they sure worked for you when you hit that 300 lb mark and realized you had to destroy part of your body to become healthy. Oh, and she is thinking of a two-piece bikini this summer. Yikes!

Visiting Jeremy

2006-01-14T02:34:00.000-05:00

This is a serious blog entry. Yes, I still do them from time to time. Screw you!

Going up to visit Jeremy, I was told (as everyone is) to be at the Greyhound station an hour early. My bus left at 10:05 AM, and I arrived at 8:45. Well, it wasn’t opened until around 9:30. Good thing I got there early to stay outside with a bunch of other people who were undoubtedly told the same thing. I could have had another 30 minutes to eat a real breakfast… or had MORE SLEEP! The bus trip started with me sitting next to a black kid going to Missouri, who really didn’t want me next to him. He slept all the way to Kissimmiee, where he attempted to get off the bus to talk on the phone, despite being told it wasn’t a stop for people to get off. He then tried to sit in a new seat, being prepared for a later passenger requiring room for his wheelchair, and had to go back to his seat with me again. When I thought he was gone, I took his seat next to the window, but being repelled for a second time from the driver, I didn’t want to piss him off any more by telling him "no" when he wanted his seat back.

The reason I took the early trip was because of it promised no hour-long stop at Orlando. Well, we stopped at Orlando… for an hour… and 15 minutes. At Leesburg, another small stop, one old woman gets off, and wants her bag. Where is her bag? Well, find it! It took about 20 minutes to find one bag, and all the other bags had to be removed to get it. All in all, I was to arrive at 1:30. I reached Ocala around 3.

Richard picked me up to take me back to the house. I had 4 Western movies to give him, but his same unhappy grimace never changed. You can never tell if he is happy, angry, confused, etc. because only his mouth moves. The rest of his face is frozen. Any jokes I tell him are answered with "Yeah." Yeah…

Jeremy was upstairs. Richard told me that Jeremy stays in his room nearly all day, every day, playing Guild Wars. Even when I came, he had no intentions of leaving that room. It was so cold in there. Even with cold fronts from the north, Jeremy’s AC continued to maintain his bedroom at a nice 50 degrees Fahrenheit. I ended up with a sore throat, headache, and the beginnings of a fever (you know, when you feel your body warming up, despite being in such a cold area).

It wasn’t all bad. When he was playing Guild Wars, I was either watching Cartoon Network or playing another video game. I got to watch the Naruto’s Year Eve Marathon from 2:30 to 11. Every episode showed on CN, along with a new one, all in a row. Honestly, it was only average. I’ve seen quite a few Naruto fans at 1up.com, but nothing about that show gives me reason to think it sticks out amongst any other anime. I also watched episodes of S-cry-ed, Fullmetal Alchemist, Ghost in the Shell, and a bunch of other Adult Swim programs. 12 oz. Mouse sucks so much! That show is awful in every aspect. I actually feel physical pain when I sit through an episode.

I also saw the 2nd season of Drawn Together. I loved it! I’ve been so desensitized by humor that I hardly laughed, but I was enthralled with it. It’s the same feeling I get with the Simpsons. Chances are, it won’t be around for more than a few seasons, because really good shows always get canned. Even Family Guy was cancelled for a while. That was just further prove of the stupidity of the television audience, and people in general.

Jeremy was better than last time. He didn’t slap me in the back of the head as much and we never got into any arguments. He still told a horribly unfunny, if it even made sense, joke every few minutes, and if I didn’t feel the "sting" of his "Your mom’s a…" remarks, he’d follow it up with "You didn’t get that, did you, Jerod?" "No, Jeremy, you’re razor-sharp wit not only left me awe-struck, but also inspired, yes, inspired, to come up with the same quality of hurtful, yet, humorous Dennis Miller-equivalent material that you so effortlessly fling at me, like so much verbally-rancid feces." The statement may seem long-winded, but you must remember, it takes a lot to get through that dense mind of his. In case you are wondering, those "your mom’s a…" jokes are just as bad as you might think them to be. "Man, Jeremy, those mercenaries helping you are almost as bad as actual players!" "Your mom’s bad, Jerod." "…" "You didn’t get that, did you, Jerod?" If it wasn’t about my mom, it was jokes about me having sex with one of my dogs, my brother, or with fat, ugly people that we used to play Magic: the Gathering with.

We watched a lot of movies while I was there… well, for me, it was a lot of movies, because I hardly watch anything over an hour long. Christmas with the Kranks, starring Tim Allen, sucked. The Fantastic Four had some decent acting from those playing the role of the Fantastic Four, but Dr. Doom was lame, and the movie overall was crap. Four Brothers was alright from the start, but kinda dragged along after 45 minutes. American Pie: Band Camp… oh, I told him that movie would suck, but he didn’t believe me. Finally, we saw another movie that I knew was gonna blow, simply because Ebert and Roper made it perfectly clear that it would: The Dukes of Hazzard. That friggin’ car went in the air 3 times, I think, during mindless car chases.

Mrs. Jessell, having returned from her sister’s house, had us run out to do a few things: go to the bank, pick up a prescription, get something to eat. At one point, I sat for 2 hours in a waiting room at some therapist’s "office" while Jeremy took a 600-question test asking him things like "Are you fascinated with fire?" Afterwards, we both went to get haircuts, and an old man asked Jeremy how tall he was. Jeremy told him quickly that he was 6’6’’. The old man then asked how much he weighed and guessed 320, at least. Jeremy hesitated, then told the man that he didn’t remember, because he never checks. The old man left, but Jeremy was telling me about how rude that was to ask his weight. Jeremy had gained a considerable amount of weight, and I could tell he wasn’t proud of it. I worry about his health, because he also smokes and won’t eat anything except Hamburger Helper, fast food (drive-thru only), and only drank water if his mom added one of those Crystal Waters flavor packets to it first. Of course, he had a bag of chips in his room, and finished off two boxes of chocolate-covered Rice Krispy treats. Heck, Mrs. Jessell and I had to convince him to come into a Chic-Fil-a to eat, instead of the drive-thru. Being a Christian establishment, a requirement for employees is to be able to answer questions about their faith. The manager walked from booth to booth talking with a few of the customers, making sure they had everything they ordered, asked if they needed anything else, and made a few (clean) jokes here and there to keep people in good spirits. Jeremy tells us that he thinks the guy is gay. I told him that is how real Christians behave. They are over-the-top friendly, almost to the point of it being scary. He still thought the guy was gay. Yeah, well, I guess we can’t all be Jewish people who know nothing about our own history and religion.

The day before I had to leave, Mrs. Jessell took us out to shop. I wanted to get rid of my Wal-Mart cards and Jeremy had Best Buy cards to use. Jeremy ended up with a few movies and 2 video games. I went down the cheapie path and bought a bunch of older games for my Gamecube and GBA. Mrs. Jessell also bought me a few games with her own money. So, I’m now the proud owner of Viewtiful Joe 1 and 2, Donkey Konga: Jungle Beat, Tales of Symphonia, Zelda: the Minish Cap, Final Fantasy Tactics Advance, Final Fantasy IV, The Megaman Anniversary Collection, and the 7-game Sonic Collection. I also borrowed FF 7 and 8, so I’m hoping to play them with any spare time I actually have this semester, but I’ve already begun playing the Megaman Collection and Tales of Symphonia. Oh well. We also swapped our Advance Wars 2: Black Hole Rising games, because it was easier for him, than to actually beat the game himself to unlock all the maps and COs.

Jeremy bought me Guild Wars, along with a player’s guide, but Ian’s not been able to take our better computer and make it work again. Apparently, after he put the new hard drive into the machine, it did the same thing as the other hard drive, so that sucks. He says he wants to take parts from this old computer and swap them around with the other computer to find the problem. Unfortunately, he has a few other things to take care of first, before he is ready to tinker around with the computers.

The next day, on the way home, I talked with an old woman up until I reached Orlando’s station. I was told of a bus transfer, but a security officer said many of us would be riding the same bus home anyhow. I spent the rest of my trip next to a very fat black lady who had a slight stench of perfume on. It bothered my senses for a couple of hours, until we reached Ft. Pierce, where I got out to buy a giant bottle of Sprite. She went over to Arby’s to eat. When I finally reached home, I was one of only a few people to get out at West Palm. I guess everyone was on their way down to Miami. Diane brought me home, but not before we stopped off at McDonalds for dinner and a McFlurry. I loves me a McFlurry! I stuffed her glove box with a bunch of Nutrigrain bars that Mrs. Jessell crammed into a bag, along with some candles, clothes, and assorted cheeses, for me to take home. She also provided me with some white gold earrings to give to Diane, $50 to give to dad for some cigarettes and groceries, and I gave those fruit-shaped candles and some bottles of skin moisturizer to Ian.

All in all, it wasn’t a bad trip. I have plenty of games to play, and a horrible 5-day semester of hard classes for FAU. If anyone is expecting to see me online, it will likely be for something I need to do for class, like Quia, that online Spanish workbook I hate so much. If you want to talk, send me an email at dpamaregoodtome@yahoo.com, unless you know my other one. Hopefully, I’ll find some time to write up another blog shortly.

He's a hoser!

2005-12-28T01:15:00.000-05:00

People don't like Super Mario Sunshine. Some don't like the fact that he isn't in the Mushroom Kingdom; some don't like F.L.U.D.D.; and others hate the lack of an ice, fire, and desert stage. There is a boat ride through lava at the end, but I guess that doesn't count. One thing is certain, these people are morons.

For those of you who would rather skip this chapter of Mario's life, I'd advise against it! Ok, so you want proof as to why you should be playing this game. That's fine. I'll give you an unbiased, and possibly misleading, quickie review of the game to make you wanna play this great classic!

Now then, after defeating Bowser, Wario, Smithy... some bad guy who sucks at his job, Mario, Peach, and Toadsworth all decide it's time to take a vacation. Unfortunately, when they arrive at Isle Delfino, a tropical paradise full of Piantas (fat cousins of N64's Snowboard Kids), Mario is arrested.

Apparently, he, or something that looks like him, has been going around, smearing poo all over the island. What's worse, the sun has had enough of the smell of all that smeared poo and has exploded into several tiny suns that scatter throughout the island, hiding in any spot that isn't reeking of that putrid pooey scent.

Without the heat of the sun, the Piantas had to develop a special ray gun that causes anyone who is hit with the gun to fart uncontrollably. The heat from the farts help warm the island, but only add to already horrendous stench. Who ever this sick f***er is, he must be stopped, or else everyone will fart themselves to death, the sun of Isle Delfino will never return, and Mario will remain a prisoner to the island's misshapen inhabitants for the rest of his fictional life!

For the one or two of you left who haven't already jumped out of your chairs and ran off to purchase your copy of Mario Sunshine, here are a few other things that might convince you of its awesomeness:

First, there's an assortment of characters to meet with:

Well, there's that feces-flinging fake mario, one of his many toilet-choking minions, a smurf, Toad's Gay Pride Parade, and, of course, Yoshi.

Second, just look at this turd-infested island! It's knee-deep in excrement!

I haven't seen that much s*** everywhere since I walked into that gas station bathroom.

Third, it is text-based, so it helps children learn how to read!

That their are some good grammur!

And of course, the ending has greatly improved over that of Mario 64.

She bakes brownies!

Well, as you can see, there is no reason for why you shouldn't be enjoying this game. All those people who hate Super Mario Sunshine just aren't sophisticated enough to appreciate a game of such high standards!

Merry Scary

2005-12-26T00:12:00.000-05:00

I stayed up all night on Christmas Eve hoping Santa would grant me my one wish to interview him for my blog, and believe it or not, he really did it! I was so nervous and excited that my whole body trembled. Unfortunately, I probably would have been better off going to bed last night, as i began to tremble for another reason.

Me: So, uh, Santa... Do you mind if I call you "Santa," or should I call you "Chris Kringle"?

Santa: That's MISTER Kringle to you! *smiles* Ho, ho, ho! I'm kidding. You can call me whatever. "Santa" is fine.

Me: Heh, ok. So, Santa, how do you deliver to all the children of the world?

Santa: I can freeze time!

Me: Really?!

Santa: No! Ha, ha! That's just absurd, but I can teleport.

Me: Teleport? Wait. That doesn't really make much sense. What about the reindeer and your sleigh?

Santa: Well, back in the old days, when there were far fewer children to deliver presents to, I could finish the trip relying upon my sleigh and reindeer, but, nowadays, I just can't get to every home within a few hours like that anymore.

Me: So, you can teleport, but what about the toys? Are they still made by the elves?

Santa: Well, of course! I, alone, could not even begin to create all those toys myself. Several of them have even graduated from ITT Tech, so that we could keep up with the increasing demand for electronics. I know that might sound a bit strange, but they're only trying to express their gratitude towards me for rescuing them from their dying planet.

Me: Oh... ok. So, uh, how did you save them from their dying planet?

Santa: There isn't much to tell. I merely loaded them all onto my sleigh and it teleported them to Earth.

Me: But that means your sleigh can teleport too.

Santa: That's correct.

Me: Neat. Can your reindeer also teleport?

Santa: Is that suppose to be a joke?

Me: Oh no! I'm sorry. I just kinda figured that... well... So, what does it take to be on your good list? Are there any countries you don't deliver gifts to?

Santa: Well, Israel...

Me: Of course.

Santa: and India.

Me: ... because no one there believes you exist?

Santa: No. It's because the stench is unbearable. I can't breathe over there!

Me: Breathe? I thought you were a spirit. Spirits need to breathe?

Santa: No, spirits don't breathe, but I'm not a spirit. I'm what you might call the "living dead."

Me: Wait, that doesn't make sense, either!

Santa: Doesn't it?

Me: No!

Santa: Well, to answer your other question, about being on my good list, there are a few things that will guarantee you to be on it. First, you must be helpful to others in need.

Me: That makes sense. What else?

Santa: You should be kind and considerate... and willing to share what you have.

Me: Yeah, I see where you're going with this.

Santa: And, of course, if you're a pedophile, that right there is enough to be on the list!

Me: A pedophile!?

Santa: You know, someone who loves children!

Me: Oh, heh, you seem to be misinterpreting the word. It doesn't actually mean "loving children." It's more like...

Santa: having sex with them.

Me: ...

Santa: It's important to love children to the fullest extent. Children need to feel our warmth, our compassion, our...

Me: Ok, shut up now! Just shut the f*** up for one second.

Santa: Well, I DO give them presents don't I?

Me: I said, "shut the f*** up!"

Santa: Anything you want, I provide it. Certainly, this is a fair trade off. It's not as if the children remember it the next morning.

Me: You mean you brainwashed them, too?

Santa: Well, the gifts I leave under the tree give off a distinct, but unnoticeable odor that wipes their memories of any recent events.

Me: And you do this to all the children?

Santa: Just the cute ones.

Me: You... you didn't do that to me at any point, did you?

Santa: No... only the cute ones.

Me: Just the sight of you and one of those poor kids! Let me guess, you frequently visit Michael Jackson on the way to your NAMBLA meetings.

Santa: First off, I don't belong to NAMBLA. I love boys and girls alike. Second, I'll let you in on a little secret. Michael really is innocent. I thought the same thing you did, but when I arrived, he was in a sleeping bag on the floor and all the kids were asleep in his bed. They had board games, video games, and junk food all over the place. It really was a legitimate sleepover. I was so upset, that I stopped delivering gifts for the rest of the night.

Me: Well, that explains the year when I found nothing under the tree and all I got was $50 from my family.

Santa: ... but, yeah, being a pedophile gets you high marks on my list.

Me: How does Mrs. Claus feel about this? Does she even know?

Santa: She knows. After all those children, I'm so worked up, I make love to her when I return. It's the best night of...

Me: Oh, man, just go away! Don't say anything else. Just do me a favor and leave, you red, fat... that's why you dress like that! And all the white must be.... awww, you sick motherf***er! GET OUT!

Santa: Fine, but we both know no one reads your pathetic little blog. See ya later, s***head! Ho! Ho! Ho!

(End of Interview)

As for what really happened:

I stayed up all night drawing this on Paint:

I went to sleep around 8 AM, waking up at 1 PM to my dad pounding on the wall to get me out of bed. I cleaned up and left the house to visit my uncle. His stupid children got mp3 players, a guitar, and a drum set. To hear one of them on those drums was a headache. Who the heck gives their kids drums without a garage or a soundproof room to practice in? My aunt was cooking all the food, except for the grilled steaks. She brought out the desserts and began to tell me about how she got the recipes from a newspaper contest she saw in the Palm Beach Post. "This came in first place, it is... and this was second place, it is... and this (blah blah) came in third". She then told the same thing to my mom, and then to everyone else. She placed a pie on the table, to which I asked, "and what place did this come in?" She relies with "Publix." We all laughed, because she's an idiot. She goes, "What? It came from Publix. What's funny about that?" Nothing, you moron. Nothing.

After dinner, I watched part of I, Robot with the kids, and they mocked my music. They told they enjoy Reggae and oldies. I made sure to trip one of them on their way to the kitchen. It's a shame his chin missed the countertop.

As for my gifts, I received a box of 24 full-sized Baby Ruth bars and a shirt that read "I Beat Anorexia" from my brother. Dad bought me Sid Meier's Civilization IV, but this old computer cannot play it. His friend gave me a container of 100 blank CDs, a soft, white teddybear with a grey sharf from StarWarner, three shirts (2 Dallas Cowboys and a... Sonic the Hedgehog t-shirt?), and a $50 gift card from Wal-Mart. Mom and her boyfriend bought me a shirt that reads "Nintendo Rehabilitation Clinic - The First Step Is Admitting You Have A Problem." and another that says "i Is a Kollege stoodent" with the "s" on "stoodent" spelled backwards. She also gave me the DVD of The Dallas Cowboys - The Complete History of America's Team (1960-2003)and made a container-full of peanut butter poopies. Grandma made me a plates of cookies and gave me $20. Jeremy sent a card with a $25 gift card from Wal-Mart and an 800-minute phone card. Finally, my other grandparents sent me a $30 gift card to Wal-mart, some bathroom crap (Adidas' "Moves - for him")which was shampoo and that smelly crap men wear to make my eyes water up and cause me to sneeze and vomit, and a Thundering Hurds Marshall football shirt.

I loved most of the gifts, but no one cares about that, so I'm done. Merry Christmas, Happy first day of Hanukkah, and bite me!

A Five-Section Sampler

2005-12-20T23:00:00.000-05:00

1. In the news today...

"HARRISBURG, Pa. (Dec. 20) - In one of the biggest courtroom clashes between faith and evolution since the 1925 Scopes Monkey Trial, a federal judge barred a Pennsylvania public school district Tuesday from teaching "intelligent design" in biology class, saying the concept is creationism in disguise."
~ http://aolsvc.news.aol.com/news/article.adp?id=20051220105809990024&cid ~

Yeah, a big f-ing deception from the Creationists! Who didn't know "intelligent design" was the idea that someone or something with GOD-like powers, possibly God, created all that we see and hear. $20 says this judge still hasn't figured out that Superman is actually mild-mannered Clark Kent without his glasses.

2. Commercial Gaming
~http://1up.com/do/newsStory?cId=3146463 ~

Some are worried about advertisements in video games. The belief is that eventually, with enough monetary influence, advertisers could mess with gameplay to make sure their product is not only spammed everywhere within a game, but protected from being altered in some way. This may have negative effects on the quality of popular titles. Imagine if Bowser traded in his flying clown head for a 2006 H1 Alpha. When Kirby has a big appetite, he goes to one place: Burger King, for their new Triple Whopper Sandwich! It's shameless promotion, and I want no part of it... man, this is good Dr Pepper! I'm a pepper. Wouldn't you like to be a pepper too?

3. TV Justice

Can someone explain to me how court shows have become so popular over the years? Who came up with the idea that people will enjoy watching other people go to court over the most juvenile of arguments.

I walk into my room for just a moment to see what's on and there are two college students standing in front of a Texas judge, pleading their cases about whether or not some girl should have to pay to replace some nerd's glasses after getting drunk at a party and smashing them out of stupidity. It was riveting television! The girl is on one side with her jock boyfriend and the other must be from India, or some country adjacent to it, because his thick accent made it difficult to understand anything he said. In the episode before it, an old man hits a woman's car because she parks in a handicapped spot, which he claims is his. Her fault? She wasn't handicapped. His fault? He isn't the police and he doesn't own parking spaces. Who's really to blame? Fox, for airing this crap.

I can find plenty of idiotic arguments online in any one of those ugly, awful forum sites where losers get into heated debates about whether Sonic or Shadow the Hedgehog is faster, or which wrestler had the biggest impact upon the entertainment industry. Really, the only up side to all of this is that for each courtroom program on TV, it means one less talk show, soap opera, or ambush makeover show.

4. Scott is back!

Scott Stapp, the voice of Creed, has released his solo album some time ago, and let me just say, it's about time! Screw the band! We weren't listening to Creed; we were listening to Stapp! Nothing says "it's all about me" quite like telling your partners that you don't need them, and that you can make more money by going at it alone, using a cheap rent-a-band instead. I bet the angelic vocalist of Origin could make it on his own, but does he ditch his tone-deaf bandmates? No! He won't leave his untalented friends to start a solo career of screaming into the microphone, because it's about friendship and loyalty! Yeah, I know that's a load of crap. It IS all about the money.

5. The Misconception about Black People and Fried Chicken

In a study done by me, I asked a typical white American if he enjoyed fried chicken. The man told me that, in fact, he did enjoy eating fried chicken, thus destroying the stereotype that all black people love to eat fried chicken. In actuality, all black people, and at least one white person, love to eat fried chicken. Science prevails again!

Not Quite Ghosts 'N Goblins

2005-12-15T22:06:00.000-05:00

I was viewing the forums at 1up.com and one of the threads in the Classics Forum asked about what we believed to be the hardest games on the original Nintendo. Of course, a lot of people said Ghosts ‘N Goblins, and many others said Contra (without using the Konami Code), but there were a few games no one mentioned, and I felt a bit upset, because maybe I’m the only one who had difficulty with them. Well, I’ll let you decide.

First, there is Karnov from Data East. Karnov is this circus strongman named Jiborav Karnovsky who somehow learns to breathe fire. He then quits the circus and goes in search of the great treasure of Babylon for no other reason than to become rich. In the arcade version, Karnov is a great prince from the Middle East who is chosen by Allah to go in search of the stolen treasure of Babylon. Whichever version of the story you prefer, the game is essentially the same.
The game is ugly, it feels glitchy, and if you don’t have the right items, all the bosses after the first 2 levels are incredibly difficult to face. The problem is, most of the items are useless throughout the game, and as for the ones that are good, they usually don’t last but maybe 20-30 seconds. In the case of the mask or the wings, you can only use them when the game allows you to. Creatures are well placed throughout each level, and 90% of them shoot something at you. Being short and fat, you can already guess that Karnov isn’t well known for his jumping abilities, so avoiding their attacks isn’t easy. On the plus side, you only have to be hit twice to die. The first time, Karnov turns blue. If you do not grab a fireball to heal him, he will die on the next hit. Yeah…

There are only 5 bosses, 4 of which are recycled throughout the other 8 levels, and a final boss in the 9th level. Still, the game is an arcade classic for a reason. Once you get into the action, it is addictive, challenging fun. Plus, Karnov has one of the coolest entrances that we see at the start of each level. A bolt of lightning strikes the ground, and in the place where it struck, Karnov rises up, ready to fight.

Next, there is Dragon Warrior 3. It isn’t as if I couldn’t just keep fighting monsters until I had enough experience to completely overpower the bosses. The problem here is that the story line of the game is seemingly endless. I played this game for months and only now am I in this underground world. I probably would have beaten it if I didn’t get stuck. Back then, there weren’t web sites around to help you. Now, I can go back and beat it, that is, if I remembered what it was I was supposed to be looking for. I love the fact that the game has so much to do, but not when I’m nearly finished with it and I have no clue where I am suppose to go or what to find. I’d have to spend another couple months redoing the whole adventure, and I’ve already done that once, when my first game was erased a long time ago.

Third, it’s Mega Man. I mean the very first Megaman game. It’s the one with that butt ugly box art and no kind of password or save feature. Unless you’ve played it on an emulator, Mega Man’s difficulty comes from having to play through the entire game in one sitting. When Nintendo came out with The Legend of Zelda, it offered 3 save slots for the game. As far as I can remember, no other game actually offered the ability to save a game before. Both games came out in the same year, so why wasn’t Capcom able to offer at least one save slot for Mega Man? I don’t know, but they made up for it with the use of passwords in all the other Mega Man action games, and with the use of saving slots for the Mega Man role-playing games. I’ve still never beaten it though, because I never been able to sit down long enough to go through the entire thing. Also, I always lose to that one-eyed thing that goes back and forth. I know, use Elecman’s weapon. Shut up!

Check out those mega manbreasts! Even robots aren't safe from gynecomastia.

Finally, there’s Adventure Island. Adventure Island has one of the most idiotic heroes I’ve ever used. Master Higgins, a young islander much in love with his girlfriend Tina, must rescue her from a witch doctor that picks a fight with you at the end of each stage. You can only hurt his head and it changes with each new, more powerful, form he takes on. He’s like that mutating moron Nemesis from Resident Evil 3, minus the cool rocket launcher. "Master Higgins!! Just won’t die!!"

Actually, he will, and quite easily too! The problem with the game is that Higgins is a complete wimp. In addition to real things to worry about, like fire-breathing serpents and falling boulders, Higgins must watch out for snails, frogs, and dolphins that simply enjoy leaping out of the water from time to time. As if dolphins and snails aren’t enough, Higgins is capable of dying simply by tripping over rocks. It’s not that the rocks are big, jagged, or moving around. They are just rocks. It’d be one thing if he fell into off a cliff or into a pit, but that isn’t necessary. What kind of pussy drops dead from a rock?! If it’s not a rock, it’s a campfire. Somebody on the island really enjoys making campfires all over the island, especially in pairs. A smart person would walk around these fires. Well, Higgins prefers to leap over the fire. So, if he is going to jump over them, why not throw some dirt on them first to put out the flames? Well, Higgins is an idiot. Besides, he can’t spare the time. See, Higgins apparently has the metabolism of Goku. If this guy doesn’t consume fruit and milk every few seconds, he starves to death! He’s a lot like Kirby, except no one gives a f--k about him. Oh, but watch out for eggplants. It’s Higgins’ least favorite food. And for good reason too! Just like in real life, an eggplant will hover over Higgins, sapping away his health, until he has only a few precious moments of life remaining.

So, why is this game so hard? Because Higgins is pussy! He can be killed by harmless creatures, a rapid metabolism, and flying, purple fruit!

Screw you, Higgins! You suck!

I know none of these are as hard as that giant death trap journey presented to Sir Lance-In-A** in Ghosts 'N Goblins, and let's hope no other game ever will be either.

Happy 100!

2005-12-08T02:02:00.000-05:00

It’s my 100th post, and while this may not seem like a big deal to losers who make those picture blogs (those whose entire post consists of a photo and some pseudo-intelligent one-liner below it):

The mountains are blue like my soul
(or like your face when I get a good grip on your throat!)

... I would like to celebrate by thanking all those who have read my blog, especially those who also commented on it, and to hand out awards to my main viewers. They deserve them, because it is these people who have endure the good with the bad, or the bad with the worse… yeah, that’s a bit more accurate, but either way, they’ve survived and this post is to honor them!

First, I will do a couple of small awards to get the ball rolling. It’s something to show-off with until a person can win something that they might actually care about. It’s like those orange blimp awards from Nickelodeon that are made out of plastic. Kelly Clarkson is glad to have one, but only because she is waiting to win something from the Billboard Awards, the MTV Awards, or whatever. Anything that doesn’t have “Made in Taiwan” imprinted upon the bottom of it would be great.

The award for each of the smaller categories will be this delightful little DP trophy:

Now then, let’s begin the ceremony!

While I don’t mind if people remain anonymous, I gotta give credit to those willing to openly tell me my blog sucks, so for the most comments made on my blog, the award goes to…

Jame Slantz from the NoPantz Blog of Death!

Congratulations!

To present the next award, here is Billy Crystal… just kidding! Nobody gives a crap about him!

The next award goes to the funniest person to appear on my blog. Of course, there is only one man to win that award, and it’s Chunk Norris

Well, I guess do deserve this award for all those witty one-liners I make before knocking someone out.

Yeah, that’s why you are funny…

For our next award, this goes to the individual with the best commenting icon. The winner is

HUNTZ MASTAR, Jame Slantz!

Accepting the award is Chuck Norris.

Well, it was no contest. I am, after all, the star of Walker, Texas Ranger!

Yes, yes you are. Go away!

Finally, a special DP award goes to MrStarB for his surprise appearance on my humble blog. It’s not everyday when someone I know comes out of no where to greet me again. Here’s to you!

Time for the real awards, and by real, I mean more fake, ugly ones.

The Brawny Award signifies charisma and physical strength, despite the lack of any intelligence. Always saying things without thinking first has led to some memorable forum posts, emails, in-game conversation, and instant messages. So, for this awards ceremony, the winner of the Brawny Award goes to

Matt "DOOMy" Grigg, One of the Air Force's finest:

Thanks... mutch... for this... awarred. INDEED!

In addition to the Brawny, DOOMy has also won the Good Sport Award for the success of controlling his temper, despite my constant barrage of insults, and image alterations found on this blog, and the Gamer Award, because nearly every conversation with him is a trial of patience, since he is always playing some kind of game, resulting in delayed responses. Sure, I've pissed off other people who gradually toned down their hate, and yes, I've talked to other people while they were busy doing somethng else, but never to the same degree as that of good 'ol Attack-Move DOOMy.

Good Job, Matty, and thank you for taking me off "the list."

Well, the next trophy is the Overally Nice Guy Award.

I'm not what you would call a "people person." It takes a lot of self-control to hang around me and to put up with all of my nonsense. This person did it with a smile on his face every time. The winner of the Overally Nice Guy Award is...

"Low at the ends and high in the middle, O-HI-O!" James Lantz!
Thanks

Yeah, I know. It's hard to shut him up sometimes.

Now, it's time to give out the Brainy Award.

As you may have guessed, this poorly drawn pict... er, highly sought after trophy represents the Mr. Know-it-All when it comes to solving my problems. He is like that strange neighbor Wilson from Home Improvment whose face is always hiding behind something. Let's all give a big applause for the one, the only... BUSMAN!! (a.k.a. The Joe)

I'd like to thank all of you people, even those in the wheelchairs and walkers who take forever to get in the bus. This award means quite a bit to me and quite a major shocker, because I frankly have no idea what it is.

Why no suit and tie? Well, when we arrived to present the award to him, I realized that I had not called ahead of time. Needless to say, I tried to hand him the award and he quickly released his dog on me. After a few stiches, he apologized for the misunderstanding. I know what you're thinking, but don't let the German Shepard fool you! He is Italian, not Irish!

The Joe also won the Dork Award!
Get to know California's multi-axeled superhero and you'll know why he won.

This leads me to present the A**Hole Award!
One person has proven himself to be a total dick through and through. He feeds off your misery like he feeds off of cheap beer. There is only one person who can earn this award (besides myself): The Undead Elite, Quart-bo!

You know, women are like tornados... at first there's alot of sucking and blowing, then you lose your house. F*** I aint thanking s***, I got here by myself and this award sucks my left nut I want some cash instead thanks (edited for content)

I wanted a better picture of Mark, but this is the only one where he isn't on the floor in a drunken stupor. He's still drunk, just not stupor drunk. This is why he has also won the Drunken Lullibies Award!It's 4 AM and I'm about to go to bed when he appears! It's Mark, and he is online, barely able to type and barely able to concentrate during a game. You would almost think it was Matt under a different name. Some of the best moments talking with Mark have been late at night, when drowsiness has left me in a state of mind very similar to his.

Finally! It is the moment no one has been waiting for, but might as well read it anyhow, since they've already endured all the other unfunny garbage I've put into this awful, long post.

The Maximus Award of this 100th post goes to the individual who has proven himself to be a potential recipient of all the other awards. A person who can be just as smart, or as dumb, or as pickled, or as nerdy, or as annoying as anyone else. Today, the winner of this most prestigious award is none other than:

THE ONE, THE ONLY

JAMES "THE AWESOMEREST" LANTZ!!!111Exclamation Point

Thank you and good night, 'til post 200!

That's NOT Sexy!

2005-12-03T10:42:00.000-05:00

I hate the cold weather, but there is one good thing about the arrival of freezing 70 and below temperatures, and that is the need to wear more clothes! If you live somewhere with a year-long winter, like Canada or Jeremy's heavily air-conditioned bedroom, you really don't have to worry about this, but as for me and everyone else living in Florida, we gotta look at these abominations:

There is nothing quite as disgusting as fatties trying to dress sexy. They wear skin-tight shirts with their rotund stomachs flopping out from the bottom, short shorts to show out those marmalade thighs, and, worst of all, when they arrive at the beach, those blobs have changed into their two-piece swimsuits, to show off all that extra cleavage. One can only pray that they don't find a reason to run. Her entire body... jiggling. My eyes! MAKE IT STOP!

Women have no real purpose on earth except to make men happy, and happy men want women with only one chin, a tight butt, and breasts that aren't resting on her stomach. Oh, and a tip for all you fatties, don't cut your hair short if your stomach hangs out farther than your breasts. Why? Well, what kind of person has a huge stomach, small breasts, and short hair? an overweight man! I care if you have a great personality, I won't go out with a woman who looks like a guy, especially when she looks like a really fat one wearing make-up and tight, little clothes!

But, there is another kind of woman; women that I feel sorrow for, because they do their best to be attractive. Yes, I'm talking about the butterfaces!

Life is cruel to these poor women. Their beauty is unevenly distributed 100% to their bodies, leaving their faces to become inspiration for horror movies. I have one of them in my 19th Century American Novel class. I saw her from behind, and I thought she was beautiful... that is, 'til she turned around. This girl's nose came out to a point and her ears stuck straight out. With a few whiskers, her face would look a lot like a rat's. It's hard being a butterface, because they cannot merely change their entire face, but there are plenty of burlap sacks and paper bags out there. Heck, put on a leather mask and become a dominatrix. It's not that bad, just look at Oprah. She has all the money in the world to buy the best clothes, the finest jewelry, her own make-up artist, personal trainer, and hair designer, but still she is one of the ugliest celebrities you'll ever regret seeing on tv. Just watch as a simple paper bag changes her from "Get that thing away from me!" to "Well, maybe, if I was drunk enough."

As you can tell, the paper bag increased the sex appeal of this pompous B**** tenfold. Of course, with her money, she should have already been able to completely reconstruct her face into something presentable.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Let's all celebrate the fact that James's surgery was a complete success and that he will begin posting more of his great insight at the Nopantz Blog of Death shortly!

Handsome, single, a heavy drinker, and a big fan of the Bengals. Yes, ladies, he IS the ideal man!

Another Thanksgiving Post

2005-11-25T07:16:00.000-05:00

Everyone else has their little Thanksgiving blog entry, with the "oh, the turkey was so soft and juicy... the yams were sweet and delicious... the dessert was scrumptious... everyone had so much to be thankful for, " and all that other crap that nobody else wants to read, so why not I? Who wouldn't want to read about what I had for dinner on Thanksgiving? Think of the excitement: "Is he gonna say he had turkey? ham? oh, man, was it TURDUCKEN?!" No, no, no. None of that crap. I'll just make it brief: I played Simon Sez, the Pick Your Nose edition, with a 3-year-old, scared mom's dog with clapping noises until he bit me, and exchanged insults with mom's boyfriend about him being old, Jewish, and having hideous-looking teeth and about me being, well, take your pick, I'm an easy target. I watched the football game, and I'm happy to say that there was a local store open after the game was over. I got myself two 2-liter bottles of DrPepper to do exactly what I said I would be doing, once the Cowboys lost in their traditional Thanksgiving Day game. After the effects of the tryptophan finally wore off, around 6:30 AM, I celebrated the new day with a large glass of the Texan ambrosia, and will likely spend the day drinking all of it, until I either become diabetic or run out of soda. Why would I need alcohol? DrPepper can produce the same euphoria, minus the vomiting.

Happy Thanksgiving.

For anyone who doesn't like the photo of Maximus catching his first Thanksgiving turkey, let's clear a few things up:

1. Maximus swears the turkey was going to "off" himself anyhow (we all know turkeys are ugly, stupid birds who practically beg to put out their misery).
2. Maximus swears he saw the turkey smile moments before being shot in the chest at point-blank range.
3. The petting zoo he found it in was not closed! It was in the process of closing. He shouldn't have had to force his way into the park to get to that bird!

Instantelligence - How to Win Arguments the Simple Way

2005-11-24T11:47:00.000-05:00

What if you’re an idiot and you want to argue about something? You could look for examples, use personal experiences, remember names and places, and be ready to defend your stance against whatever someone else might say to counterattack your opinion, but in today’s society, you don’t have the time to be intelligent, so, what do you do? Well, my simple friend, I can help! I’ve observed many arguments, and have discovered the secrets to winning a debate without having to rely upon all that annoying effort to legitimize your viewpoint. These helpful tips will grant any moron with an idea (including you) instant intelligence, or as I like to call it, "Instantelligence"!

1. Louder = Smarter

People who are confident in their opinion will speak up about it, but that’s not enough! You need to speak louder! NO! You need to scream in the other guy’s face so that he can not get a word in edgewise. Every time the other guy begins to speak, interrupt him and talk louder. Eventually, he will submit to the fact that you are right.

2. Smart People Cuss

My studies have shown that you temporarily gain, at least, one IQ point for every time you say a cuss word. In fact, you also become stronger and taller if you use F*** after every other word. On average, a person can not be taken seriously if he has not spewed out over 867 cuss words within about 15 minutes. The most effective way to use cuss words is to get really close to the other guy’s face. It should be so close that he feels you spitting on him each time you drop an F bomb, S bomb, whatever! If he is cussing as fast as you are, go for insults. Talk about his weight, his looks, his mother… heck, if you can throw in a racial slur or two, go for it! Fat, ugly minorities with stupid mothers are always wrong, and it’s important to let the guy know that he is one of them!

3. A Closed Mind is a Happy Mind

It’s scary to think that everyone has his or her own opinion. It’s even scarier when you realize that many of them have opinions that don’t agree with yours. There is a reason why you must pressure your beliefs onto others, and that’s because they are wrong, wrong, WRONG!

Now, I realize that many you cannot possibly confront these monstrosities head-on (remember, this is to help those of you without the time to formulate a solid defense). In order to make yourself heard, it’s important to avoid anybody who might make you look as stupid as you truly are. If you can control who gets to speak, then make sure to block everyone who has a contrasting point-of-view. This has been a key component in the success of famous people, such as Rush Limbaugh and Michael Moore. For those you who lack this sort of control, then another effective tactic is to simply stick your fingers in your ears and yell, "La la la la la la, I’m not listening! I’m not listening!" over and over again until the other person is finished speaking. Be aware! If you actually pay attention to what your opponent has to say, then you might come to the realization that you’re wrong, and this can be a severe blow to your confidence level.

4. Fight Makes Right!

If all else fails to convince someone that you’re right, then it’s time to use brute force. The ability to fight is in direct correlation to how correct your point-of-view is. If what you believe in is correct, then God, Allah, Buddha, Bob Saget, or whomever you worship, should grant you the strength necessary to beat up everyone who tries to tell you that you’re wrong. They’ll realize how right you truly are when you introduce their teeth to your knuckles. "If women deserve the right to vote, then why are you the one on the ground with a black eye and a broken nose?" You see? Physically weak people are mentally weak people. This is why nobody listens to cripples!

With these helpful tips, even the most belligerent and asinine beliefs can be made true!

Thanksgiving Football

2005-11-20T23:16:00.000-05:00

It's becoming tradition to watch the Cowboys lose whenever I have Thanksgiving at grandma's house. This year will be no different, because the Cowboys get to celebrate the holiday with the (8W/2L) Denver Broncos. It's not an away game for Dallas, which is great! Who wants to freeze to death in Colorado? The bad thing about this game is that it is the 3rd one in less than 2 weeks for the Cowboys. I really want to see the Cowboys get a 4th win in a row, but I highly doubt it will happen. If they do lose again on Thanksgiving, I will be doing the same thing I did when I watched the awful Dolphins beat them in the last Thanksgiving game: laying on the floor, drinking DrPepper straight from a 2-liter bottle, and not caring when I spill it all over my clothes.

On a side note: I would like to congratulate the Bengals for really making the Colts earn their 10th win in a row. There were moments when I thought Cincinnati was going to upset the perfect season record. In the end, the Colts won again, but not without a fight.

List of Grievances

2005-11-18T23:46:00.000-05:00

1. I would say that over half the people with a driver's license today shouldn't be driving on public roads! I've had to slow down, or completely stop, due to an ambulance, a police car, or debris blocking the lanes. Wrecks happen, and no one can change that, but every day now seems to begin and/or end with having to yield to an accident. This can occur on the turnpike, an intersection, or in the middle of any general road, in any kind of weather. There is no common link to the disasters, except that when you see the drivers standing beside the smashed vehicles, they are always on their cell phones. Most likely, the cause of the incident was one of the morons was trying to hurry up by constantly changing lanes. I've see several cars going from lane to lane, 10 mph over the speed limit, trying to maneuver their way through traffic as quickly as possible. After an hour, those drivers can proudly say that they have arrived at their destination a minute sooner than had they driven more carefully. The best part is that people have cell phones up to their ears all the time! It's as if their lives are SO interesting, that they just CAN'T wait until they get home to talk about it. Isn't it enough that you rarely see them use their lights before changing lanes or listen to them honking their horns at people, because the guy is actually obeying the speed limit. It's these same people who can drive past an accident, complaining about the hold-up, whining about how people need to learn to drive, and then never considering the idea that the likely cause of the event was from somebody else who did the same things they are doing now.

2. I was watching an ABC Headlines featuring Anna Nichole Smith and her court battles for her husband's money. This woman actually said that $5,000 a week wasn't enough for her lifestyle and that it was hard being her. As if I needed any more reasons to hate this bimbo, hearing that just pissed me. Whether or not she actually loved the old man, Anna doesn't deserve the kind of money that she claims is rightfully hers (half of her late husband's 1.6 billion dollars). If anything, she deserves enough money to help raise her son and that's about it. I wouldn't trust her to wisely spend any more than that.

"Do you like my body?" This is what she says in those diet commercials, and it's really all she has left to rely upon. Before, we were subjected to a gold-digging blonde with an annoying voice, the intelligence of a 5-year-old, and a fat, ugly body. Now, she is pretty much the same thing, but with a sexy body. Should anyone care? Of course not, because there are plenty of attractive celebrities, and most of them don't come with all the problems that Anna presents. It also pains me to consider her a celebrity, because she has really done nothing to deserve such a status. She can't sing, she can't act, and she can't play sports. In fact, Anna has no real talent of any kind to speak of. She married a very old man and spent his money as fast as she could get it.

3. Rush Limbaugh is not only greedy like Anna, but he is also self-absorbed like Anna. As charity to the troops, he offers them free access to his radio show online, as long as someone else is willing to pay the $49.95. It's the "adopt a soldier" program, but the name makes about as much sense as the whole idea of calling it a charity. Now, Rush thought this was a good idea, and why not, when he has so graciously lowered his price to only $49.95 to help a soldier listen to his one-sided dribble. I never actually listen to his show, mostly because his callers are always yesmen. I became aware of this little "charity" of his on the Howard Stern show. It's just one of those ideas one would think nobody was stupid enough to actually agree to. What good is Rush's broadcast to the soldiers anyhow? Do they plan onprisonersrisioners to listen to it?

4. Mom is in the hospital again, and while this is no big shocker, the real story here is that my brother calls me to say that grandmother called him and told him that mom isn't doing so well. I don't know why she is in the hospital right now, and I don't know what "isn't doing well" really means, but I'm hoping it's nothing.

5. Another hurricane-in-the-making is below Florida. Known as Gamma, it is the 24th named storm of the season. With only 10 days or so left of this year's hurricane season, it won't go out without something to remember it by. The storm's path is almost exactly the same as Wilma's, but will move on by rapidly, and hopefully as a category 1 or less.

6. I made a 50 on my latest Organic Chemistry exam, which is bittersweet news. On the bad side, I will now need a 75 or better to make a D, unless he curves the grading. On the good side, after multiple homework assignments, I managed to obtain a 50 with only one day for studying the material. Considering how much effort I had to put into the 55 I made before (4 straight days), I think a 50 in only one day is excellent for me. Of course, I still failed.

7. Eddie Guerrero was a wrestling entertainer for 18 years. He lived by the motto: "We lie, we cheat, we steal!" Hey! He fits right into this entry with Anna and Rush! Anyway, Eddie was found dead in a hotel room last Sunday morning in Minneapolis. Due to a busy week of homework, I only found out about the man's death on Friday's Smackdown. I can't remember how long ago I first saw him. To give you an idea of how long I've been watching wrestling, the earliest match I can recall is The Million Dollar Man taking on his servant Virgil. I think that was back in 3rd grade, so it's been about 13 years, since I began watching the WWF (WWE), and even watched WCW and ECW whenever WWF wasn't on. Eddie will be missed, because he had always been one of those constants in my life. I never thought I'd see the day when Eddie was done with wrestling forever. It's always sad to lose a fellow Texan. I'm really going to miss him. The worst part is that his death reminded me of Owen Hart, another wrestler I loved watching in the ring. :(

Owens - The Career Killer

2005-11-11T02:01:00.000-05:00

It's been a few days since Owens challenged everyone else on the team to a fight. It began with a bit of arrogance, something found in many young players. Soon after, he began to showoff, mock, and insult other teams. Terrell would skip practice to go out and blame McNabb for losing games. It's no surprise that many find the recent locker room brawl to be the last straw for Owens. It's clear that he is done in Philadelphia, and other teams are going to be skeptical about bringing him in, so what else could he possibly do to completely ruin his career? Well, I have an idea:

Owens, seen walking into the locker room after he had been suspended for attacking his teammates, comes out, his uniform drenched in blood, proclaiming that he has feasted upon the Eagles and has now gained their essence and strength, which he shall use to honour his dark lord Ur'kathral by taking his next team to the Super Bowl, winning the Super Bowl ring, and then offering it up to his dark lord, along with the souls of the team he defeats, as a worthy sacrifice!

Ok, so this isn't going to happen (I hope), but neither is seeing him playing for another team with his annoying, self-centered attitude. Honestly, I really don't care what happens to him, just as long as he isn't drafted into the Cowboys. You suck, Owens! Suuuuuuuck!!

Quit Skipping Holidays!

2005-11-09T22:49:00.000-05:00

It happens every year: as soon as Halloween is over, society switches gears and prepares for Christmas. Christmas movies, Christmas TV specials, Christmas commercials, and Christmas sales infest the media with images of gifts, Santa, and bright, multi-colored lights. It's as if everyone forgot all about Thanksgiving and Chanukkah. Yeah, I get it: we ain't givin' thanks for nuthin' anymore, and as for the Jews, they can go f*** themselves! Come on people! Thanksgiving is a time of getting together with loved ones and showing gratitude for all that we have. Hanukkah gets even less attention. Has anyone ever seen anything on TV that focuses upon the Jewish holiday? How many Hanukkah movies have you seen? We have two perfectly good holidays to celebrate, and instead, we just toss them aside in anticipation of Christmas. Let's remember the biggest reason for remembering thanksgiving - The annual Thanksgiving Cowboys' game!

It was like summer camp!

2005-11-01T12:00:00.000-05:00

Hurricane Wilma landed on the shores of Florida's west coast at around 5:45 AM, but my crumbled abode didn't experience the storm's power until around 8 AM. I had spent much of that night watching the weather on NBC, hoping for some kind of change in Wilma's route. The storm never faltered from its designated path, and that red line was just above my city. Of course, the weather stations did managed to get one thing wrong: the storm's strength. People, including myself, were expecting a category 1, maybe a weak cat. 2, but no, we get a strong category 3. The worst part of it was that many people didn't bother to fully prepare for the storm, and even my idiot brother didn't feel inclined to help put up everything. I wanted to have everything put up, just in case. Apparently, people are willing to believe that the storm might change course, but not strength. I also enjoyed the logic that some were using to help explain their lack of protection: "the storm was coming from the west, so I only boarded up that side of my home." Hey, idiots! The wind moves in a circle, f***heads, not a straight line! As the storm moves across the state, its winds will eventually hit every side of a home.

I eventually went to bed only to wake up a short time after 8 AM. My power was flickering on and off, and the dogs were ready to go outside. I didn't mention it before, but dad was stuck at work during and after this storm: Monday and Tuesday night. Ian and I were left to care for our little canine princesses, and were put in charge of taking care of two other young dogs. The first was a very young, black puppy with a fat, wrinkled face. He is called Mojo, a name that was given after his owner went sifting through my old collection of Marvel cards for inspiration. He is so cute and playful and the storm didn't bother him one bit. On the other hand, he also refused to go outside with me during that hour of peace while the eye passed over us and after the storm. As a result, I had to clean up after him, even though that was supposed to be Ian's duty, since he was the one who agreed to care for the little guy. The other was a year-old female with blonde fur and a complete dislike of anyone who wasn't Ian. Her name is Buffy and she was not a very pleasant creature to be around. She also refused to go outside with me during the eye and after the storm, but wasn't nearly as messy as Mojo. She was also fun to scare. If she was going to be skittish around me anyhow, I might as well give her a reason for it. I chased that poor animal around the house, laughing as her paws scuffled across our wooden floor, unable to maintain any kind traction, leaving her to slide around the house as the sound of my stomping footsteps kept her in a panic. Miss Sissy Pissed-Her-Pants and Suzie Q were much easier to deal with. Suzie, especially, was good. When I ran her outside, tat dog quickly went to the bathroom and back in the house. T.T. decided she was going to sniff around the broken tree limbs and climb over the fallen remains of our wooden fence for 30 minutes, while the hurricane's rain and wind were beginning to build up again as the other side of the eye wall approached us. I ran her outside 4 times, twice during the hurricane itself, when the wind wasn't so bad, before she finally decided to do anything. Inside the house, T.T. was relatively good, except around 1 PM, when she couldn't hold it anymore and pooped in the back room.

As with last year, the sounds of the wind were a bit scary, but mostly because of the diminishing protection for our home. With each hurricane, the shutters have become significantly weaker, what with the stripping of many of the holes used to help secure the shutters to the house, or having to deal with the entire shutter being destroyed. Last year, we lost one of our largest shutters that guarded the sliding glass doors of our kitchen, and with the passing of Wilma, we have now lost our other large shutter, and the one above our front door. I found the larger awning had flown over our home and landed on the opposite side of the house, while the front door awning was bent upward into a U shape. As for the awning that once covered the sliding glass doors, we had kept it, thinking we could stick it back up in one way or another, in order to shield those fragile doors. We couldn’t do it though, so I had placed it in the backward, flat on the ground. After the storm, I found it had crashed into the back portion of our wooden fence, breaking the only part that was still in good shape. As with last year, the front entrance of the fence was down, with one section dangling on the edge of the pool. The portion of the fence facing Jog Rd. is practically non-existent now. I used its remains to hold up the other damaged portions of the fence, hoping the tree wall between our house and the road would be enough to stop the dogs from escaping. So far, it’s working.

The tree branch mess this time around was not nearly as bad as last year, mostly because we cleared them out during the summer, but there was still plenty of yard work to go around. Dad had told us to push his white car up to the side of the house before the storm came, but knowing the hurricane was coming from that direction, Ian thought it was a stupid idea. One of the larger branches from a tree in our front yard had fallen just inches of the driver’s side. It still managed to scratch the paint a little, but it could have been much worse had the branch landed just a bit closer. I found myself picking up dozens of shingles strewn all over our yard. It doesn’t appear to be many of our roof’s shingles, but we are not certain yet. I do know that the day care center behind my home lost a bunch of its shingles, so I’m kinda hoping (but not proud to be so) that most of the shingles in our yard do belong to them.

Dad had purchased cans of Hormel’s Chili, Chef Boyardee, Spam, and a seemingly endless number of cans of Tuna in preparation of the storm. He had also purchased a decent number of bottles of water, but Ian had been drinking them well before the storm’s arrival. I’m sure Ian will go into a fit of rage if he reads this, but a pack of 24 bottles was gradually reduced to 7 a few days before Wilma was scheduled to hit Florida, and dad couldn’t trust to buy more groceries without having to hide them. Every once in a while, he’d pull something out of its hiding place, or tell me where to find, and place it in the kitchen. If it was water, I had to put it into one of our two ice chests, which were also storing the bottles of ketchup and mustard, a pack of hotdogs, and two small containers of butter. I also used milk jugs, Gatorade and soda bottles, and other large plastic containers to store tap water. I tried to fill the bathtub with water, but it all slowly leaked through the plug and into the drain by the time I woke up. Even though we didn’t lose our water pressure, like last year, but there was a boil water ordinance in effect, so I was glad that we had plenty of water for everyone to drink.

Our phone service went out and Ian was only able to reach his girlfriend. It was her dogs I was taking care of, in addition to our own, and she thanked us with a few bags of ice and a Coleman Power Inverter. It took a little while, but Ian figured out how to use the thing properly. After a few days of cold chili and beefaroni, we got to enjoy a warm, Tuesday dinner of hotdogs cooked with a microwave that sat on the driveway in front of dad’s car. Ian then managed to use an older car battery that we had yet to get rid of, which he placed in a cardboard box, to run the inverter in his room and power his TV. There was no news on at the time, but Ian did allow me to watch 45 minutes of NCIS. He then tried to attach an extension cord to the other outlet on the inverter, hoping to hook up the computer with enough power to play Diablo 2 offline, but the battery was too weak to handle it, and we lost our morsel of energy. The inverter still works, but the battery was about dead now. I didn’t get to watch Boston Legal and Ian didn’t get to play Diablo 2.

To pass the time, I worked in the yard for the first few days after Wilma, cleaning up the branches with my trusty handsaw. Ian was trying to get the chainsaw working, but the stupid thing kept coming off its chain within the first moments of fixing it. Three times he tried fixing all the gears and reseting the chain on it, each time taking him about 20 minutes, and with each attempt came disappointment. On the third failed attempt, he became fed up with the thing and hurled it into the pool. The thing was done for anyhow, so I guess it really didn’t matter that the piece of crap was now submerged. It was, however, a very funny sight to behold as that mean, green useless machine went blade-first into the water and sat there at the bottom of the pool. A half-hour later, Ian fished it out the pool and left it on the patio, where still sits today. Ian then helped me to prop up our fence and clear away the fallen branches… and even a few ugly branches that we figured was a good of time as any to be rid of.

After we finished with the yard, Ian and I switched back forth with listening to my CD player and playing my GBA. I still own one of those older GBAs, not an SP. Sometimes, I would read the Blithesdale Romance, since that was the assigned reading for my 19th Century American Novel class, and Ian would work on his book of Jumbles… all the jokes in that thing are terrible!
Thursday, we got low power back. Just like with last year, the daycare center was given their power sooner, because they are technically a school, and since we are the only house connected to them, we also get some power back. Once again, our small refrigerator was running, while the main one was still out of commission, and my room was full of energy again. Ian has minimal power, which goes out now and again, and the rest of the house has enough power for turning on the lights. Last year, we set up the computer in the kitchen, because it had power to run the machine. This year, our hunk of junk is set up in the dining room, under the best ceiling fan in the house. It’s quite a convience now that the cold front that followed Wilma is gone, and the Florida heat is returning. Of course, that blast of cold and wind was a miracle of God. Last year, we had to sleep in pools of sweat, while the heat continued to cause everyone misery, until they regained the power to turn on their air conditioners. The bad thing then, as it is now, were the freezing cold showers. Add on the cold weather and you’ve got yourself a sure-fire way of catching the flu. It felt like I was bathing inside of a freezer, while the shower head rained ice cubes upon me. The trick to taking an unbearably cold shower is to breath very heavily. Eventually, you’ll become very light-headed and the hypothermia won’t feel nearly as bad as it really is. Now, we got a little more power back, and we are actually bathing with hot water again.
Because the phone is still messed up, I cannot go online, and even if I had cable or DSL, their services are still unavailable. Without full power, I cannot wash the dishes or do any laundry, and I am down to so few articles of clothing. I’m wearing swimming trunks right now, because I’m out of regular shorts. Soon after, I will be wearing long pants in the Florida heat. Man, I can’t wait for that! This computer and the microwave share the dining room table along with a surge protector and the computer’s speakers, which I must move out of the way in order to open the microwave door.

Today is Tuesday, the first of November, and I finally get to go back to FAU. I’ve read my entire book for my Novel course and I’m prepared for my PC quiz in Spanish, but I still need to bullcrap a study for my Psychology class, because I really don’t care about any of this garbage, but my professor seems to be one of those airheads who believes everyone has access to kids between the ages of 2 and 7. I’ve been unable to locate a 3 or 4-year-old child for my final study, and with all this crap after Wilma, it has only made the search all but possible. I despise lying, but I’ve already talked with this woman and she refuses to accept the fact that not everyone can simply produce a preschooler out of thin air, or find one lying around in the middle of nowhere. Even if I can write up the study, I am unable to print it out right now and I cannot go online to email it to her. No worries! She won’t care, because I’ve had since the first day of the semester to finish the studies. Of course, if I don’t have access to children that young, then it really doesn’t matter how much time she gives us to turn the work in. How can women do this all the time and not feel guilty about it? They lie about everything, even if it’s something pointless to lie about, like their age, weight, and name. I don’t even like to lie when it’s to make someone feel better, because then I’m just leavng the person to walk around with a false belief that will likely come back to bite me in the butt. I hate that professor!

Hopefully, when my phone does work again, I will be able to get in touch with Jeremy. I would like to know if any of Wilma’s strong winds managed to reach his home. I also hope I can get full power back soon, because I don’t want to be reduced to eating and drinking everything out of Dixie Cups.

Now, to sum up a few other (minor) things about this hurricane season:

The day after Hurricane Wilma, people already began to beg for ice, water, and food. We had over a week to prepare for the worst. These idiots could have stocked up for a few days, but why, when you can whine to the news media and call our local talk station Real Radio 94.3, crying for help. It is called survival of the fittest, and these morons need to die before they have the opportunity to breed!

Another group I’d like to mention is the elderly who infest south Florida like those annoying poisonous toads we can’t seem to get rid of. Regardless of which one a person chooses to complain about, it’s pretty clear that every warty, smelly creature from both groups needs to croak! These old people are worse than the fools who ran out of food halfway through the storm. Hours after the storm is over, they whine and demand for FPL to bring back their power immediately. They demand their shuttles to suddenly arrive and try to use the media, hoping to convince others to waste their precious gas in order to drive to one of these retirement homes and bring the geezers bags of groceries. You people are old, not entitled!

I thought gas stations were crammed with cars before the storm, but after Hurricane Wilma, those lines grew to unbelievable lengths. One line shown on the news consisted of about 300 cars and required over three minutes for a car to drive 30 MPH beside it, just to show the entire line. The gas is probably for all those generators, but within an hour after the immense power of Wilma had moved on into the Atlantic Ocean, I saw cars, several of them, driving back and forth Jog Rd. as if it were rush hour. Where were all these people going? There are no open stores… no available power for streetlights, and there was debris everywhere. Kids, too, were pissing away their gas, as if they had their own oil pump situated in the backyard. You see these little punks riding around on their gas-powered scooters and four-wheelers, and all the while, you are thinking about the parents who will have to stand in a gas line for well over an hour, in order to purchase $20 of gasoline. Please note, $20 was a maximum for how much gas one could purchase per car. Lastly, there plenty of generator accidents to talk about, but the best one centralizes around a young boy who was holding up a candle to the generator, while his grandma used the light to help her guide the gasoline from the plastic jug to the large, noisy contraption. The boy caught fire and was bandaged up… survival of the fittest.

Ruining Halloween

2005-10-31T12:08:00.000-05:00

Aside from the scary haircut I made sure to get the day before Wilma arrived, I really didn’t have on to make me look scary for the trick-or-treaters. Of course, this didn’t matter, because I had no trick-or-treaters. Once again, those lazy, little a-holes felt the need to go to every other house, except ours! Our home is on the end of the road, but I can assure you, we carry only the finest treats for Halloween. F- pennies! I’m talking about Milky Way, Baby Ruth, Snickers, and Three Musketeers bars, mixed in with fun-sized bags of M&Ms and Skittles. We don’t serve any those cheap treats, like Smarties, those tiny, five-cent lollipops, or candy corn. Well, on the bright side, we get to devour whatever sweets those brats are too lazy to come and take for free.

Sadly, Halloween is slowly being ruined. According to the news, people were talking about going out for candy from 3 to 6 PM, while it is still sunny outside. Others want to just go to malls and to the zoo to participate in those promotional Halloween festivals, instead of going from house to house. At this rate, the third best holiday of the year will be gone completely [the best and second-best holidays are Christmas and Arbor Day (plant a tree, you lazy s***heads!)].

I spent my Halloween Nights going out from 8 ‘til 10, when it was very dark, being guided from one door to the next via their porch lights and lit pumpkins, being scared and excited with each lavishly decorated home I came across. I made sure not to forget about the other homes, which lacked all the décor of the holiday, but still welcomed you with a smiling resident who would compliment your costume and, more importantly, have ready a bowl full of tasty treats. Make sure to watch your bag as the candy goes in, because no one wants to experience the trick, instead of the treat, when they are greeted by one of those a**hole neighbors who try to drop a lit cherry bomb into your bag. Oh, and always remember, if you are unsure of whether or not you have enough candy, attempt to lift the bag over your head. If you are unable to sustain the bag over your head for 5 or more seconds, then you’ve hit your limit. No Halloween was complete without watching Halloween cartoon specials during the day and horror movies at night. Requirements for the best night of horror movies are as followed:

1. A vampire movie featuring Bela Lugosi as Dracula or a Frankenstein movie featuring Boris Karloff as the monster.
2. The black/white or color version of Night of the Living Dead
4. The Exorcist
5. Silence of the Lambs
6.The music video of Michael Jackson’s Thriller, which is more like a short film than a music video.

Go NFL No NBA

2005-10-22T07:36:00.000-05:00

For the last two Sundays, I've been allowed to watch the Cowboys do their thing on the field, which was actually not as horribly bad as I thought it would be with the wimpy defense they have this year. First, the Cowboys just demolish the Eagles. Then, squeezing out a close victory from the Giants, Dallas has taken control of the NFC East (knock on wood). After so many failures... you're old Vinny, just quit while you're ahead... Bill has found himself a QB with some talent, Drew Bledsoe, to go with the other great offensive players on the team: Terry Glenn, Julius Jones, and Keyshawn Johnson. Hopefully, Julius will be up and running again soon, because we already went enough games without him last season. As for the rest of the team, the Dallas defense has been looking good, for most of the games, but only in regards to how sloppy the other teams have been. It's like saying they are less bad than the offense they have to stop, and even Parcell admits that they need to train more and perform better. For the most part, it's a fresh, new team, and within a few years, they might even be capable of making it to the Super Bowl.

On the other side of the Sports Spectrum, we got the return of the NBA.

Ever since Charlotte replaced their former logo Hornets with Bobcats, I've had no real enthusiasm for the team anymore. Who's left for me to cheer for? I guess the Mavericks. I'm not going to watch Shaq and the Heat after all those horrible commercials I've had to watch with his ugly mug in them. Then there is the dress code the NBA has enforced. I don't agree with it, but I also don't agree with the way many of the players arrived dressed like scumbags, as if they were still living on the streets with little more than a dollar to their name, or covered with so much giant, gaudy jewelry that it looked more like a golden, gem-encrested suit of armor. That "bling" around your neck is so massive it looks like it can double as a breastplate, probably to stop all them caps being shot at you're drivin' thru yo hood in your pimpin' ride! How about something in the middle, you know, something casual and maybe a few modestly-sized trinkets that won't blind people with their glow. I know, I know, very few players are that bad, but they are probably the few reasons for why the dress code was put into place. It's like when the teacher punishes the entire class, even though it's always the same small group of idiots in the back of the room disrupting the class.

Hurricane Wilma (insert obvious Flintstones joke here)

2005-10-22T06:18:00.000-05:00

First it is scheduled to hit late Saturday, then the early morning of Sunday , then Sunday Afternoon, and now it is sometime on Monday. It's really annoying to wait day after day for a storm, while people are out gassing up, buying provisions, etc. and then finding out, "Oh, it will be another day." The best part is how traffic would slow down because the right lane was being blocked by a line of cars waiting to fill up at a gas station, and this was a common sight at every station with gas left. The best part is how people not wanting to be in line would get into fights with others at the pumps. As if that's not a sure sign of Floridians coming together to prepare for the worst, I think was up to 14 gas stations now that have been fined for price gouging. People will travel in groups to Wal-Mart, Winn-Dixie, Publix, etc. so that one can shop, one can guard the cart, and a third person (or maybe the same guy guarding the cart) will try to rob you of whatever is in your cart when you're not looking. Even if the storm hits at a Cat. 1, the real disaster is already here, and has been, since Spain gave it up to the Americans long, long ago.

As for the Yucatan Peninsula... well, I sent my pink ball of puff and hatred Maximus to get a few words from those surviving the storm in one of the country's finest shelters:

Maximus: "I'm going to F***ing KILL YOU! I'm going to find a way to get back there and strangle you 'til your face looks like Arnold's near the end of Total Recall! And when you cry for help, I will shove my fist in your throat and tear out your vocals, then stick them back your mouth and make you eat them!"

Me: "What happened to the shelter?! Where are you?!"

Maximus: "Oh, you mean the yellow tent with the refrigerator cardboard box that doubled as a generator? I think saw them floating near me. Oh, as to where I am, let me ask one of the locals... oh, that's right, FISH DON'T F***ing TALK! I swear I will kill you!"

Me: "Hang in there, man!"

Maximus: "First, I will kill you! Then, I will commit suicide, so that I can track down your soul and drag it down to Hell with me! The scorching fire and brimstone will be a brief comfort from the horrible beatings I will inflict upon you for all of eternal damnation!"

Daddy Moment in History:

After picking up his food from the McDonald's drive-thru, dad comments on the person at the window:

Imitating the McDonald's employee: "Here's your food, dude!"
Daddy: "I don't want that! You look like you've been fingering a bumpkin!"

"Now I know what you're thinking..."

2005-10-12T21:55:00.000-05:00

My first professor for Organic Chemistry is having blood problems so, I get a replacement. He could only teach for two classes, so now I have another replacement. This guy is a complete nerd. Even better, we now have to do all the In-Chapter questions before the exam, and he even tacked on another chapter to study for in our upcoming exam. The sight of him alone makes me even want to see him get jammed into a locker. He is constantly saying, "Now, I know what you're thinking..." as if any of us are actually listening to him. If his exams are based on the chapter questions, then why the f- should we bother coming to class, or as he tells us, come to class prepared.

I'm sitting in my Spanish class, waiting for it to begin and drinking a DrPepper. Mi profesora stops to say, "iHola, Jerod!" to which I respond by belching out, "Hiiiiii." Later, we play a game of "Who am I?" with the name of a famous person on our back, and the person must ask questions (in Spanish) in order to guess who they are. One was Serena Williams, so I had to ask the girl next to me, "Is she the ugly one?" I, then, remembered that both of them are the ugly one, and that tennis isn't a real sport. Fortunately, the idiot who had this person decided to ask, "Am I a famous person?" Good job, bimbo! She later asked if this person was an ice skater... you know, because of ALL the well-known ice skaters that we have all grown up watching as children. Famous skaters like, um... er, uh... and uh... what's-her-face; the one with the uh... yeah! Stupid B****!

In other news: The Yankees are gone! F- the Yankees and F- all you New Yorkers! Now let's hope for a swift defeat of the Giants this Sunday against the Cowboys. It would be like adding salt to a fresh wound! >:]

A Daddy Moment in History

While at McDonald's, a huge line of people are waiting impatiently as a portly, Jewish woman is discussing the contents of their milkshakes and the sizes they come in, screaming with a strong accent, "Is it real chocolate?", "Is it made of milk, water, or creamer?", and "How many ounces is the small... the medium... the large?"

Dad mentions that she should help herself to some free straws and enough packets to refill her mustard jar at home. The guy in front of him laughed and she had to have heard it too.