Not Knowing When to Stop 2: The Stopping Continues

The X Collection is Capcom's second (and lesser) compilation of Mega mediocrity, featuring only six of the X games and one unlockable racer that was not previous released in the US. On the plus side, I paid half as much as I did for the Mega Man 15th Anniversary Collection, so I shouldn't complain about the exclusion of Mega Man X7 and X8. I just think it'd just be nice to have the entire series, you know?

Before I talk about the games, I'd just like to point out the little side note found on the back of container and on page 21 of the instructional booklet that refers to Nubytech's "EASY TO HOLD AND USE" Mega Man X controller that was "SPECIALLY CREATED with the TRUE FAN in mind."



Apparently, you will perform better on this particular game if you use the Nubytech device, instead of a standard controller that lacks the "special CHARACTER ART." Not buying it? Perhaps you'll change your mind when you read the unbiased testimonies of some of your favorite Mega Man X characters:

Dr. Light - "BRILLIANT!"

Sigma - "THIS CONTROLLER BLEW ME AWAY!"

Zero - "AAARRF I WANT ONE!"

Would fictional characters owned by Capcom lie to us in caps lockian fashion?

There's also an ad on the last page of the booklet for various Mega Man X candy despensers. These include gumball banks, figurines, keychains, pens, and (my personal favorite) a blue wrist band with a treat-filled Mega Man X head attached to it that any Capcom fanatic can strap to his pale, flabby arm. What better way to ward off those women who surround you and block your vision of the TV?

"Remember what we talked about, baby. Sigma first, sex later. Grab me a Bawls, will ya?"

So, the story begins with a now geezerfied Dr. Cain (remember him?) who uncovers the buried lab of Dr. Light and brings to life the designer's greatest creation, X. Cain is so impressed with X that he recreates the design to form a society of robots known as "reploids." A few months later, reploids go "maverick" and begin attacking people. Other reploids (known as "hunters") are brought together to fight back, but they also go maverick.

It's like trying to douse a forest fire with gasoline.

Anyway, the maverick in charge is a former hunter leader named Sigma whose sheer power, stylish bald head, and obsession with capes makes him the greatest evil our future has ever seen... or will see... or is currently seen by them, but is being foretold to those of us still living within the first decade of the 21st century. Only the combined strength of Zero and X can save us now.

Yes, the story sucks, but who expected otherwise?

The actual game begins with X making his way through a desolate highway that leads him to this purple-clad a**hole:


Vile isn't much by himself, which is probably why he is hiding inside a mech during your fight. You can't beat him, nor should you try. Once you're subdued by Vile's shoulder cannon, Zero will come in and rescue you.


It's hard to believe that Zero is a dude considering the long, flowing hair and that pair of green, robot breasts.

What follows is the standard rock-paper-scissors battles with seven of Sigma's strongest mavericks (and Chill Penguin).


Starting with Chill Penguin, you'll find yourself in the middle of nowhere. I don't see a legitimate reason for why I need to secure the frozen, uninhabitable peaks of a few nearby mountains, and I'm guessing Sigma didn't either when he put that pitiful pygmy in charge of protecting them.


Chilly is able to slide on his tummy, shoot blocks of ice from his mouth, and create painless snowstorms that will occasionally slide ice sculptures of himself at you. It's not a terrible array of attacks, just so long as his opponent is incapable of defying gravity for short periods of time. For beginners, simply clinging to the wall is enough to ensure a flawless victory. As for your reward, the shotgun ice is a frozen pellet of water that shatters when it hits the wall. Another effective strategy would be to buy a bag of ice and chuck the contents at any and all who would dare to ask you why you're carrying around a bag of ice in the middle of December. When charged, the weapon becomes a penguin shaped platform that will suddenly begin to slide across the floor and bounce off of the walls. A similar, but more enjoyable experience can be had while you make your way through the gallery.


There are three reasons why you should fight Storm Eagle next.

1. With the Dash Upgrade, Eagle's initial plan of action (blow you off the stage) is no longer a serious threat. If anything, he'll become an easier target for your X-Buster as he just stands there and blows wind in your face.

2. His Storm Tornado is extremely useful. The rock crusher in the gallery, the mid-level boss of the power plant, and nearly every aquatic robot floating around in the ocean are rendered harmless by this devastatingly powerful attack.

3. Defeating him will have an adverse affect on Mandrill's stage. You'll experience a few blackouts here and there, but the disappearance of those floor-hugging sparks of electricity makes it all worthwhile.

The Chameleon Sting may be his weakness, but you'll have a rough time fighting Sting for it early on.

At this point, you may choose to fight either Spark Mandrill or Flame Mammoth.

I prefer the latter.

Reaching Flame Mammoth should be a breeze for anyone who has already defeated Chilly Willy. Once that dwarf is out of the picture, Mammoth's factory freezes over, hardening the lava into igneous rock. As a result, you'll be able to avoid all the obstacles by running under them, and can pick up a nice heart-shaped reward for all your lack of effort.

Despite his appearance, I find the name "Flame Mammoth" to be a bit misleading. For a mammoth, he has neither hair nor horn to validate his title, and he weighs only 719 lbs. His weight should range between 4 to 10 tons. Mammy's girth doesn't even reach a short ton.

As for his claim to flame, this maverick barely stores enough heat to light a candle. When he's not trying to flatten you with his fat metal a**, Flamer will blow out a wad of black mucus from his trunk and eke out a small fireball or two from his arm cannon. If one of those fireballs touches the tar snot, it will ignite the booger and act as a temporary hurdle for you to leap over. This isn't as easy as it sounds. Under your feet is an obnoxious conveyor belt that Mammy can change the direction of with his trunk. It doesn't take much to lose your footing, but if, for whatever reason, you just so happen to have the B. Cutter in your sub-screen, feel free to use it to circumcise his face. This will prevent him from toying with the conveyor belt, and you won't have to worry about dodging any more of his snot blobs.


For those who don't know, a mandrill is an endangered baboon with a colorful face.


The one in the upper right-hand corner is Mr. Mandrill, the hippie guidance counselor from Cartoon Network's My Gym Partner's a Monkey. The other is called "Spanky". Spanky enjoys the taste of plants, small animals, and the fingers he used to fondle a female's genitalia.

Spark Mandrill is no slouch in battle. Normally, he likes to kicks things off by charging fistfirst into your face. A charged shot to the chin can stop the big guy dead in his tracks, but if you must avoid it, make sure to leap over him (clinging to the wall is a big no-no). Afterwards, Sparky will either send shock waves through the floor or swing across the room. In either situation, continue to unload charged shots from your X-Buster as you try your best to avoid contact, since every hit is very painful.

If you have the s. ice, then there is no need to worry. Each shot will freeze the mechanical simian in his place. Once he breaks out of his icy prison, hit him again.


"Stand back and be bored by my amazing blocking ability."

Armored Armadillo bounces off the walls, absorbs charged blasts from your X-Buster, and, for some stupid reason, shoots you with a cannon hidden within his forehead. Thanks to his armor, you won't have many opportunities to deal damage. To avoid a needlessly long and annoying battle, you need Mandrill's electric spark. One clean shot will leave Dilly naked throughout the rest of the battle. Once exposed, you no longer need to be patient with your abuse, so go nuts.


Launch Octopus happens to be my brother's favorite maverick. I don't know why, and you don't care, so moving along...

Reaching Launch might be a breeze, but fighting him is a chore best left for later. For one thing, this cephalopod is packing plenty of firepower. Even with the Rolling Shield you took from Dull Dillo, don't expect this battle to end quickly. His barrage of torpedoes will cancel out most of your attacks. The only real opportunity to deal some heavy damage is shortly after he tries to suck you into his whirlpool. Whether or not you can dodge it depends upon obtaining the Dash Upgrade. If you already have the Boomerang Cutter, this battle becomes a joke. Three hits will render him a hexaplegic, meaning no more fish missles and no more whirlpool.


Boomer Kuwanger is a teleporting cockroach who enjoys flinging his horns at you, or flinging you with his horns. Homing torpedoes simplify the match, but they're hardly necessary.

Yeah, that's it. He's a stupid, f***ing bug! What do you want? a hard fought battle? His biggest fear is a giant shoe.


There's very little to be gained from battling Sting Chameleon, which is why most people don't bother with him early on. His attacks are difficult to avoid, and the ceiling is covered with painful spikes to hinder wall jumping. To add insult to injury, the only mavericks afraid of his C. Sting are Storm Eagle and Rangda Bangda the Maverick Wall:


"I'm special!"

At least, with the arm upgrade, Sting's weapon can be used to camouflage X for a short period of time. This allows X to run past enemies quickly and safely (a welcomed ability for lazy gamers like myself).

Enjoy it now, because reaching Sigma becomes increasingly difficult with each new sequel.


In Mega Man X9, Sigma forces you to replay the entire game of Ghosts 'N Goblins.

A spider, tank, and lame death scene later, we come to the finale.


Fighting Sigma is a three-part battle that begins with his purple fleabag, Velguarder, followed by Sigma himself.


Ice the dog, zap baldy a few times, and prepare for Sigma's final form.


Merging with his pooch, Sigma's new body requires you to hop onto one of his claws, dodging two kinds of lightning and a bad case of heartburn, and wiping that smug look off of Sigma's face.

Sigma's last words:



The ending is better:


The X-Buster says, "Seven... more... games!"

The purpose of Mega Man X2 sits on the flimsy foundation of "Oops, we missed a few." Six months after X's triumph over evil (and Chill Penguin), mavericks have been detected in an abandoned warehouse, assembling a new army. After you wipe that out, eight more maverick bosses appear.


The gameplay is very similar to the previous game, with the exception of the X-Hunters:



Agile, Serges, and Violen have taken it upon themselves to rebuild Sigma. In an attempt to buy some time, each one challenges X to a little one-on-one scuffle. To ensure your participation, they each possess a part of Zero. Collect them all to reassemble your fallen comrade, and to see an alternate ending. The fights are optional, of course, and if you ignore one of them to defeat the stage's maverick boss, that X-Hunter will leave and never come back.

Violen is the only one to worry about. Even if you understand the pattern, his ball & chain attack is hard to predict. His second form is basically the same, with minor changes in technique. Even with the upgrades and additional health, the guy is not somebody you want to f*** around with. On the other hand, you could just use the Bubble Splash and laugh at his quick and shameful defeat.

Agile is the tall, purple a**hole whose hideous smirk is all the reason you need to fight him. In his second form, Agile makes a drastic change in appearance (and difficulty). The once powerful, nimble, and possibly gay swordsman has chosen to ride within a ship (also possibly gay) that continuously hovers above you and drops relatively weak spikes upon your head. He'll also unleash a couple of wayward missles that inflict minimal damage (if they actually touch you). If you find the Dragon Punch within the third section of the X-Hunters' base, a clean shot from it will drop him immediately (along with anyone else you use it on).

Serges is my favorite of the three. A crazy little reploid who floats back and forth, dropping land mines and flipping through the air, it's a treat to watch the old man (technically, he was created less than a year ago) in action. His second form, however, is not as enjoyable. Shoot the four cannons, then shoot him.

Once you're done with these three, you plow through the 8 mavericks again, and, depending upon whether or not you collected all the parts, you will face either Zero or Sigma.


Trading in his sword (and his dog), for a pair of claws, Sigma frequently disappearing and reappearing in midair hoping to land on top of you. When that doesn't work, he either comes straight at you or falls back on an old stand-by attack: firing balls of energy at you. Whatever works, right?


In his second form, Sigma looks like a reject from the original Star Fox game.


Once the stream of vomit has settled, Sigma will fall on top of it and remain unconscious for about a minute. Now's your chance! Hit him with the Strike Chain as much as you can. If his face turns red, then he is choking on his own tongue and the fight is nearly over.

The ending:


Zero promises to never leave X's side again. They make out. Agile watches from afar.

The rarest game in the X series, X3 begins with a researcher named Dr. Doppler who claims to have discovered a vaccine for the Maverick virus, however, the reploids soon discover that his anti-virus is a fake. Now overrun with mavericks, the Utopia that was Dopplertown is no more and Cain's Lab is next. Your first mission is to team up with Zero and clear out the infestation of mavericks from Cain's Laboratory.

A few welcomed changes to the X series include various clips of anime, the option to ask for Zero's help when the need arises, and four types of mech armor.


In order: Chimera, Frog, Kangaroo, and Hawk


Missing: a fire-based maverick

X3 comes with the best-looking bunch of bosses you'll ever encounter in an X game (not including Volt Catfish), and they're pretty good fighters, too, but each one possesses a weapon the likes of which are comparable to the crap you earned from Top Man, Charge Man, and Guts Man from the original series.

Worst weapon: Ray Splasher


Thanks for nothing, Neon!

With the X-Hunters gone, three new stooges appear:


You may remember Vile from the first game, or from a few minutes ago when I talked about him in this post. He nearly killed you twice, but wasted the second chance when he decided to pick you up and move you to the other side of the screen, then walk back to where Zero was being held captive, and then... nevermind. Forget it. The whole thing made no sense. Just know that he's back and in control of another mech.

His associates, Bit and Byte, are hired by Doppler to take out X. The pair feel like a last-minute addition to the game. They add very little to the storyline, and have no personality to speak of. If you don't defeat both of them by exploiting their weaknesses, they will later fuse together to create one of the stupidest names in gaming history: Godkarmachine O Inary.

Vile is not as creatively idiotic. If you do not defeat him with the Spinning Blade during the first encounter, he will come back in a bigger, stronger mech called the "Goliath." If you choose to defeat him with Zero, Vile will latch onto him and return the favor for what happened in the first game. At this point, X gets to use the Z-Sabre. Yay, a sword!


If you properly defeat all three of them, then you only have to worry about these losers. Neither one puts up much of a fight, so consider that a reward for your earlier trouble with the trio.


If battling with Dr. Wily and Dr. Cain have taught us anything, it's that doctors suck at being bosses. Doppler's only real threat is a green shield that converts your firepower into health. His weakness is the Acid Burst attack, but as I mentioned earlier, every weapon in X3 is a piece of s***, so just stick with the X-Buster.


He's tried killing X with a sword, a dog, balls of electricity, bad grammar, and a pair of claws. Naturally, the next thing on the list is pretending to be a Captain America who can also shoot fireballs. A little practice is all you need to defeat Sigma's first form, but try to reserve your sub-tanks for round 2.


Introducing Kaiser Sigma!

If this isn't f***ing overkill on his part, I don't want to know what is.

As you can figure out by now, the only weak point is Sigma's small, shiny skull. Good luck hitting it. To get an idea of how difficult this truly is, think of it in terms of trying to nail your girlfriend's G spot while her vagina constantly fires missiles at your crotch.


As a last resort, Sigma will flood the area with fire, forcing you to climb to the top before it engulfs X. Once there, you'll find yourself at a dead end, but don't worry, because the game is over for you.

Depending upon whether or not Zero is destroyed, you'll watch one of two endings. If Zero dies, then Doppler will sacrifice himself in the end. It's a win-win situation with X being the victor! Huzzah!


The other ending is a repeat of the same crap we've seen twice before.

Due to time restraints, I will have to write the other half of this entry later. If, however, a bunch of you are already bored, then I will simply skip X4, 5, and 6 and focus on my next mind-numbingly dumb post, instead.

Ian's Insight 4

Many concerned parents have been led astray by the news. Scared each night by stories about pedophiles, murderers, and President Bush, many trick-or-treaters are being forced into the streets from 3 to 6 PM, when there is still plenty of light outside. There's nothing wrong with playing it safe, right? Let's just forget about the fact that your children are sweltering in their own costumes, while their treats are being reduced to pennies, candy corn, and multicolored wrappers all floating around in a pool of melted chocolate. It's not just atmosphere, but common sense. You don't send your kids out on Halloween during the day! Oh, but what about all those monsters that go bump in the night? Well, you're in luck, because my brother has taken time from his busy schedule of coaching the Tennessee Titans to victory to provide us with his insight on how to survive this spook-filled holiday.

"Halloween is near! I've written a handy guide for you.

In my life I have had to defend myself from, and even kill Vampires, Souls of the damned, Hyundais, and yes, even Vampires.

Praying to Zeus can go a long way in warding off the unwanted advances of a vampire at a saucy disco, but I stand by John Madden's philosophy that the best defense is a good offense like the Hail Mary. Grab a hunk of turducken, pop in your favorite Credence tape, and buckle up, because it's going to be a wild ride!

Werewolves

Overview: To this day it is unknown whether lycanthropy, or the condition of being a werewolf or similar shape changing monster, is a communicable disease, some sort of genetic aberrance, or the result of a gypsy curse. What we do know about werewolves is that they combine the less cool aspects of giant man-eating wolves with human cannibals to form a really huge man-wolf sort of creature rarely seen outside the realm of furry porn. Supposedly people with lycanthropy only change into this wolf form during the full moon, but those of you who believe that have obviously never worked the trucker shift at a Perkins restaurant. I think at least 30% of the patrons after about three in the morning are either werewolves or goblins and the remaining 70% are a huge amorphous creature not unlike "The Blob" except made out of mesh-backed hats, NASCAR shirts, and flannel jackets

Danger Posed: Werewolves are fairly dangerous. When someone turns into a werewolf they lose all control over their normal faculties and revert to animal instincts, which usually mean they eat the nearest thing with a pulse. In some cases this may be nothing more than a goat or something, in others it may be you and chances are the werewolf wants to eat you more than you want to not be eaten by it.

Defeating Werewolves: The first thing you need to remember when tangling with a werewolf is that as big, strong, and toothy as they may be, they are not really much smarter than your average household pet. One of the easiest ways to frighten them off is by screaming "no!" or "bad!" and menacing them with a rolled up newspaper or shoe. Sometimes the werewolf's common dog sense might be overwhelmed by its need to eat your skull, in which case brute force is the only method that works. Tractors are excellent for driving over werewolves, as are steam rollers and 18 wheelers. They can be dodgy so be prepared to use throwing knives or some sort of improvised bola to immobilize them before running them down.

Ghosts

Overview: Most of you know that when we die our souls depart this mortal coil to the realm of Valhalla where we celebrate our lives as warrior at long banquet tables day in and day out. Sometimes when a warrior dies in the midst of battle he feels unfulfilled and is doomed to wander the earth tormenting the living. This is usually accomplished by emerging from walls, making objects levitate, moaning from inside walls, appearing on film as translucent dots, and appearing in mansions full of really crappy puzzles. Because of their insubstantial nature, ghosts can take on a number of forms. This means that it can be difficult to recognize the same ghost seen a second time, which raises the question of tagging ghosts in the wild. Since most bullets and tracking devices will simply pass through ghosts the best method for tagging them is to carve identifying marks into their head or chest with a magical dagger, usually after subduing them with some form of warding circle.

Danger Posed: Ghosts only rarely pose a physical threat to those in their immediate vicinity and even this is usually an indirect result of panicked behavior in the face of their spooky antics. Much more frequently they just turn your life into shit by being total freeloaders on your valued property. They'll float around through any wall at any time of day or night, levitate your books like they own them, leave ectoplasm all over the fucking place, and bleed out of your electrical sockets whenever they feel like it. If you tell them to get off their ass and earn their keep they'll float up into the attic and sulk for a couple days with those goddamn chains. They're just a serious pain to have around, especially the Indian warriors from the burial ground you built your pool on top of. They will just stand over your bed and point accusingly at you for hours on end and believe me, if you had trouble jerking off in front of the cat imagine how bad it's going to be with some Sioux warrior with two centuries of betrayal in his eyes. No matter how loud you turn up "Dirty Talkin' Blowjobs Volume 14" it won't be loud enough to drown out the spectral pathos.

Defeating Ghosts: Ghosts have no physical presence so they can't be defeated in the traditional sense, but they can be forced to leave your area with a disciplined regimen of ghost one-upmanship. Watch your ghost's behavior and carefully record its various methods of trying to frighten you. Once you feel you have a pretty complete list it's time to start showing the ghost how things are done. If it's levitating furniture then you need to build a device that shoots furniture at high velocity around the room. Does that son of a bitch make the walls ooze blood? Time to hook up some high-pressure pipes to wall spigots and fire massive columns of blood out of the walls! Don't forget about the moaning, a couple crying babies, a staple gun, and a few police megaphones and you have a room of horrors to put even the moaniest ghost to shame. Do these things and any others that would trump your phantasmal friend and before you know it he'll be heading on to greener and less emasculating pastures.

Vampires

Overview: Vampires are immortal denizens who have contracted a disease transmitted by the bite of a vampire. They crave blood, both human and animal, but unlike werewolves they are like this at all times and only when desperate for blood do they become animalistic. They can usually be easily identified by their manner of dress which can include mesh tank tops, leather pants or chaps, bejeweled cod pieces, Madonna or Diana Ross costumes. Most vampires are in exceedingly good shape other than what are known as "bear vampires" which tend to be hirsute and portly with a predilection towards leather vests and creepy rubber cowboy boots. Bear vampires are like the leaders of the vampires so pray that you do not have to face one of them.

Danger Posed: Vampires generally attack in special vampire clubs where they hold macabre bacchanals in which many of them dress up as members of the opposite sex. There have been several notable vampire hunters throughout the years although most recently powerful vampire mind-slaves in the government have made slaying vampires a "hate crime" with severe legal repercussions. Those Washington fat-cat vampire slaves want to legislate away our constitutional right to tie a vampire to a wooden fence and beat it until it turns to ash. Meanwhile the vampires will probably soon have the right to marry each other, which is just sick, sick, sick people. Wake up America!

Defeating Vampires: The first thing you want to do whenever you're going to bag a vampire is lay down a tarp. Depending on the specific type of vampire they will either turn into ash, which is hard to get out of even Berber stain shield carpet, or they'll dissolve into a smoking puddle of goo which can eat through floorboards in an hour. Once I staked a vampire to a structural beam and when I came back the next morning half of the freaking building had collapsed in on itself. The act of slaying a vampire is pretty simple; either cut off their head or drive a wooden stick through their heart. Sunlight also works but unless you're Ra, you don't really have the power to shine the sun wherever you want.

I hope I have prepared you well for the journey into the den of evils that awaits you. Preparedness can go a long way but when you're facing down a cacodemon the only thing between you and digesting slowly in its belly are your weapons and skills. Hone that fighting edge and you might just stand a chance."

Ian's Insight 3

If you don't know already, Ian is my brother. Once in a blue moon, he has something to talk about, and I'm more than happy to be an outlet for his thoughts. His work is quoted, so the only changes I made were the font type, font color, and removing the extra spaces between his paragraphs. The colors are just there to make it a bit easier to read. Enjoy!

"Guide to finding an apartment

Recently, I've been looking for a new place to live.
I thought I would write a guide for those of you who may, in the near future, look for a new apartment. The following is a collection of many common descriptions used in apartment description guides. I have translated each description to it's "real" meaning, providing a thorough explanation of each phrase.

"the convenience is unmatched!" - Apartment complex is situated between Dairy Queen, 7-11, and a Target. Prepare for lots of filthy people passing outside your apartment pushing shopping carts full of NASCAR tubesocks all day.

"the serenity is incredible!" - All other tenants are 100-year old mummies who spend all day decomposing. Playing any kind of music or television show will result in a fine. Walking across your living room later than 10:00 pm will result in Police action. Using a blender is grounds for an expulsion or death penalty.

"separate clusters of apartment homes are spread out amongst wide-open lawns" - Place is full of overgrown weeds and blades of grass the size of totem poles. Lawn hasn't been mowed since the late 17th century.

"easy access to the highway" - Apartments are along the median of I-95. The sound of passing traffic and honking horns will keep you from ever getting an hour of sleep. You will learn to have conversations by constantly yelling at the top of your lungs.

"several pools and saunas are available for use" - Unfixable leak in the drainage / sewage system ensures a large collection of filthy canals and puddles all across the property. Some of these puddles have been heated thanks to the severed electrical lines which litter the walkway.

"Award-winning architectural design boasts an incredible patio."
"lakefront property available" - The above-mentioned drainage system leak has caused a gigantic swamp to form where apartments C 102 - D 206 previously were. Apartments surrounding the "lakefront property" are equipped with reinforced glass windows to prevent the 500-pound mosquitoes from crashing into the living room and implanting eggs into the owner's children.

"includes a state-of-the-art fitness center" - There are two broken exercise bikes with shattered LED screens inside a barren room. If the complex is truly "upscale", there will also be a television set that only picks up a static-filled PBS and some Spanish channel that features a gameshow where contestants must dress up as the opposite sex and propose to a man in an ape suit.

"features a sand volleyball court" - The place used to be a golf course before they tossed up apartments all over the area. Sand traps were originally converted to glass bottle recycling areas until the owner found a net along the highway. He decided to put it up in order to attract noisy drunk college students who want to play volleyball at 2:00 am and pass out in the "state-of-the-art fitness center".

"apartments are a paradise of luxury and amenities" - There are functioning toilets in most bathrooms. Trees outside provide shade for when the shingles on the roofs fall off or are stolen.

"full of captivating charm" - Apartments haven't been remodeled since the 100 Years War.

"provides six lighted tennis courts" - Courts are fully lighted... in the daytime.

"we provide unparalleled attention to detail and customer service" - Police will show up within three hours of your murder.

"jogging tracks are adjacent to the community" - There is a sidewalk outside your apartment. Jogging is the preferred method of travel because it effectively doubles the chance that you won't be mugged while trying to get to your car.

"designed by a National Award winning architect" - Person who drew the apartment layout won a bicycle in the "Captain O Magazine Subscription" contest.

"the location is great" - This quote was overheard by a couple guys transporting stolen speakers and television sets in the back of their unmarked white van.

"we are within blocks of parks and recreation" - Empty lot across the street provides hours of entertainment for children who like to be trapped inside abandoned refrigerators. They'll meet new and exciting homeless people who will teach them informative lessons that involve injecting various substances into their arms.

"floorplans also include extra deep full-wall closets" - Previous tenants were able to fit two whole corpses inside the closet.

"apartments feature central heating" - Fireplace is lodged directly in the middle of the livingroom. If there is no fireplace, there is a square patch of floor where you can start a campfire. Carpet provides "optimal burning experience".

"plush wall to wall carpet in designer color" - Carpet is the color of the fruit punch previous owners preferred to drink. Festive "random dark blobs" are scattered throughout the place.

"let our responsive management team do all they can to make you feel at home" - You will be given a keychain with the apartment complex's name written across it. If you are lucky, you might also be given a chipped coffee mug as well.

"includes outdoor picnic area" - Somebody left a bunch of wooden boards outside. Crazy Earl, the drunken groundskeeper, hammered the planks together in the vague form of a table. Hundreds of nails protruding from the wood ensures a very "memorable" dining experience which should be concluded with a barrage of Tetanus shots.

"Plenty of parking in our spacious uncovered garages."
"choose from our wide range of models for a residence that complements and enhances your lifestyle" - We have really cheap apartments for you stingy bastards who don't feel like paying $2000 a month for an apartment with running water. The lower-end apartments are made of taped-together cardboard boxes with numbers written on the outside.

"you'll find the carefree living you deserve" - Many tenants don't feel the need to walk around clothed.

"an exciting urban environment" - No less than six homeless people will hang around outside your door and wade through your used condoms in the garbage. Smog from surrounding factories will make unassisted breathing "an exciting experience."

"an attention to detail that make the difference" - Maintenance has patched up the bullets holes in the walls that previous tenants left. Chalk outlines on the floor are still visible but you can move your couch on top of them or something.

"beautiful private balconies and patios" - You know that five square feet of space right outside your front door? They took away the welcome mat, replaced it with a potted plant that one of the illegal aliens on the janitorial staff stole from outside the local Target, and dubbed the area a "patio". If your apartment is on the second floor, this space is referred to as a "balcony".

"a meticulously maintained gated community" - Due to the city's strict wild animal policies, a concrete wall has been erected around the entire property in order to keep in the myriad of rabid wolverines and opossums that are lurking in the area, just waiting to become your "potential pets".

"our recently remodeled apartments feature a bright and airy atmosphere" - Roof costs extra.

"vertical blinds in every apartment" - Recently upgraded from "horizontal bars".

"a large social room with a 35" television with a satellite dish" - Satellite dish sends out a television feed instead of bringing one in. Ignore the odd-looking light fixtures in your bathroom; they're just lights.

"we feature a fully equipped business center" - Windows 3.0 computer has a warezed version of Microsoft Access installed. The only program which doesn't cause the computer to reboot upon loading is Microsoft Paint.""

Chrono Cross Afterthoughts

Despite all their cries for a sequel, fans of the series should have realized that Chrono Cross never really had a chance of living up to its predecessor. Chrono Trigger was just one of those experiences that gamers will never be able to recapture; like playing Super Mario 64 for the first time, then trying to achieve that same high with Super Mario Sunshine. For this reason, I will only compare the two under attainable factors. Chances are, any further attempts in expanding the Chrono series will also fall short of being revolutionary.

Though a bit cliché, the story unfolds with a poem and the opening of an old book sitting atop of some unknown person's desk.



What follows is a series of in-game clips dancing to the Celtic rhythm of Yasunori Mitsuda's Time's Scar. Not since Super Smash Bros. Melee, have I been more intrigued to play a game, simply because of it's introduction. Oh, and, as if that wasn't enough, Squaresoft provides the player with one more pregame treat:

a cleavage shot of the tomboy protagonist, Kid, at the Save/Load screen.
I guess the Dream Team wanted to make a very good first impression.
In Chrono Trigger, if something was wrong, you could go back in time and fix it. Well, with Chrono Cross, your actions have consequences. Do this. Go there. Help him. Leave her. Yes. No. Maybe. It's a wonderful branching storyline with characters unique to each path.
Forty-five in all, the cast comes in various shapes and sizes.

Of course, the most common appears to be slim and sexy (not that I'm complaining).
Most will have signature attacks at levels 3, 5, and 7, in addition to numerous spells a player may allocate to their elemental grids. It's a lot like the materia system seen in Final Fantasy 7, except that summon and high-level magic spells are reserved only for those with a matching innate element. Chrono Cross does an excellent job explaining this through the shakin' teachings of Radius and the bumbly bumblings of Solt and Peppor.
While a few characters come with actual background information, most can be summed up in a couple of sentences: "Funguy is the father of Leena's friend Lisa, who runs the element shop in Termina. Finding him in the forest near Viper Manor, and feeding him a strange mushroom will cause him to turn into a mushroomlike humanoid, and he will join forces with Serge without delay" (Wikipedia.com). The reasons some of these people use to justify tagging along are absurb. Look at Van, for example. He and his father, Gogh (Yeah, yeah. I see it, too. Shut up!), are poor and about to be kicked out of their home:
Van: "Bye dad! I'm going to hunt down the Frozen Flame with these people I just met. Don't worry. I looked into their eyes, so, based on that alone, I'm positive that I won't be raped and beaten to death as soon as we walk out of the city."
Gogh: "Ok, son. Enjoy the world, and make new friends."
You may have noticed within the Wikipedia quote that the "mushroomlike humanoid" is referred to as "Funguy". About that, in the English version of Chrono Cross, several characters were provided with idiotic, though easy to remember, names. Some of these would include Skelly the skeleton, Draggy the dragon, Doc the doctor, and Turnip the turnip! I'm sure you'll love the puntastic titles of many of the signature moves, too.


Above: Proof that the names could have been a lot worse.
One amazing feature is a code system which allowed the use of accents by changing text templates. In any conversation, this system would be able to modify the given lines of an event for whomever was saying them. Another feature revolves around "how" some people join your party: "Luccia assimilated into your party.", "Greco tagged into your party.", and "Skelly became the life of your party!". Though unnecessary, these are the kinds of things that add personality and charm to a game... so, why remove what made the first game appealing?
In Chrono Trigger, the monsters had other things to do. Some were playing with each other, while some would be dancing or chanting; a few would be lying around... sleeping... eating... whatever; and, sometimes, you might disturb one of them and he would cry out for reinforcements, or a group of them would suddenly ambush you. They were clever and entertaining. The world isn't a giant prison, so why must the creatures wander back and forth like security guards throughout Chrono Cross? Also, why does each monster I run into turn into a battle with one or more other monsters helping him? With Chrono Trigger, what you saw was what you fought, and that made sense. If I run into a soldier, why would he be accompanied by two bats and an imp? Where the heck did they come from? And can they even speak to me? I'm guessing about half the bestiary of Chrono Trigger had something to say at one point or another,so it didn't feel like I was wandering around slaying mindless animals all day long. A few of them would even set traps for you, like in the sewer system. The most I got out of monsters in this sequel was near the beginning when I had to obtain three Komodo scales for Leena.
To add insult to mediocrity, several bosses lacked any real challenge. Most of the time, it was simply a matter of exchanging blows with them. The worst battle I fought was against the last boss. I won't go into much detail about it, but I will say that I had a tougher time dealing with Ketchop than with that deus ex machina Squaresoft decided to throw in at the end.

"S-S-S-SAAAUUUUCCCEEE!!!"
As for the parallel worlds, there isn't much to explore. Islands are not so much microcosms, as they are tourist traps for the handful of visitors found wandering each area. It's very eye-catching, however, and gameplay should take about 50+ hours to complete. Not bad.

You will be left with more questions than answers, and don't expect anything similar to Ozzie's foolishness or Dalton's camera winking near the end of the game, either. Up until you begin to watch the alternate endings (most of which are excellent), much of Chrono Cross plays as a serious and somewhat confounding adventure.
As I said at the beginning of this dribble, Chrono Cross does not measure up to its predecessor; but as a standalone, there is no reason to ignore it. I'd like to point out that the intent of the developers was to create something different from Chrono Trigger, which I feel was a gutsy move on their part, considering the wealth of material they could have pulled from the original game.
Play it. It's interesting.

"Shake it and say your prayers! ...Not that it'll do you any good!" ~Peppor

Do You Remember Rock N' Roll Radio?

How about Rock N' Roll Racing?


Ah, the memories.

The drivers would roll up to the starting line, Loudmouth Larry would scream "The race is set, the green flag drops!", and we'd all take off to instrumental versions of familiar tunes like Paranoid, Bad to the Bone, Born to be Wild, Highway Star, and the Peter Gunn Theme, which I recently learned is also used as background music for Spy Hunter. While I'm sure there are several fans of Nobou Uematsu who would say otherwise, I believe Rock N'Roll Racing has the second greatest soundtrack of any video game (it's hard to compete with the selection found on Guitar Hero).

I don't know about the Atari (I was born in '82), but many of my favorite NES and SNES titles came with unforgettable melodies that, to this day, I still hum every once in a while.

I doubt anyone could find a gamer who is unable to recognize the music of Super Mario Bros. or The Legend of Zelda, but what about their sequels? I prefer the Ragtime style of SMB2, and was thrilled to hear it again as part of the Super Smash Bros. Melee soundtrack, though I'm not sure if many would agree.

Normally, when someone brings up video game music, the first thing to come to my mind is Bubble Bobble.

You make your way through 100 levels of puzzles, colorful treats, and a persistent whale skeleton who enjoys hunting down procrastinators while listening to the same cheerful ditty, and, for some odd reason, it never gets old. I could leave the game running for hours on my TV and not care. It became an earworm that later prompted me into buying a copy of Bubble Bobble Old & New for my GBA.

Other soundtracks produced similar results. Some of these would include Wizards & Warriors, Donkey Kong Country, ToeJam and Earl, Mega Man, and Chrono Trigger. I sometimes wonder whether or not I would have enjoyed Tchaikovsky's Nutcracker Suite if I hadn't heard it first on Tetris.

While I abhor Animal Crossing in nearly every other aspect, the air is so intoxicating that I find myself under the spell of this hideous siren every time I take a trip back to Walden.


I remember mentioning the name of my Town within one of Nintendo's live forums, and the moderator responded with a smiley and the phrase, "So, is there a pond in Walden?" He was funny AND intelligent... just like Monty Python! Ha, ha... ugh... I hope he's dead.
For most games, however, I prefer to listen to the radio. The resulting effect is a relation of some games with whatever is being recycled on my local stations. For example, whenever I listen to a track from Alanis Morissette's debut album Jagged Little Pill, I think of Super Metroid.

Other examples include:
Shining Force 2 - "Sucked Out" by Superdrag
FFX - "A Little Less Conversation" by Elvis and Junkie XL
TLoZ:OoT - "Breaking the Habit" by Linkin Park
Animal Crossing - "Diamonds and Guns" by The Transplants
Final Fight - "Hey A**hole!" by Screeching Weasel
Star Fox 64 - "I Believe I Can Fly" by Me First and the Gimme Gimmes

For the one or two people who actually read this, feel free to provide some of your own examples. I doubt I'm the only one who has this little quirk.

Finally, I'd just like to say that I love fast music.

As far as video games go, my playlist consists mostly of DDR tracks, with the Witch Doctor being my favorite. With other genres of music, I really don't care what it is or who is singing it, as long as the song is quick, upbeat, and NOT Heavy Metal.

I've actually met people who needed me to elaborate on this:

Them: "So, do you like alternative or dance?"
Me: "I like whatever will keep me in high spirits."
Them: "What about Country music?"
Me: "As long as it is fast and upbeat, sure."
Them: "What about Rap?"
Me: "As long as it is fast and upbeat."
Them: "Well, what about..."
Me: "YES! Wait, were you going to say Heavy Metal?"
Them: "No. I was going to say..."
Me: "Yes! Now, shut up!"

That's it. I've stayed up too long. I'm rambling more than usual, so good night, or morning, whatever, and go Reds!

"Viper should avoid mines!" - Be glad that Larry has an Off switch. 

FF4: Worst in the Series

There are a handful of games I'm pissed at the fact that much of it was spent playing something so awful. As a result, I'm going to waste a bit more of it by venting my frustration upon the one or two readers of this blog, so, if you're looking for something funny to read in this post, you won't find it; which basically means that it will be no different from all my other posts.

Back in January, I played through GBA's FF1&2: Dawn of Souls, and I loved every minute of FF2's compelling tale. I had already played FF1 on my NES, but the extras it provided weren't bad either. Anyway, I normally wait for a significant price drop to occur before I purchase a game, but my love for Dawn of Souls was what prompted me to quickly obtain a copy of GBA's remake of FF4.

I'm an idiot.

FF4's plot is full of garbage many of us have seen countless times before, but that wasn't enough. It felt like the developers were merely throwing things into the story to add shock value. Every bump in the road resulted in a character trying to sacrifice his/herself for the rest of the party. Imagine yourself standing next to a grenade that was about to explode, and everyone around you began arguing over who was going to have the honor of laying on top of it. Much to my disappointment, only one succeeded in killing himself. The rest of them were miraculously saved and nursed back to health just in time for a big, dramatic reunion battle near the end of the game. Even better, it included an uninspiring final boss who overpowers everybody except the main character, who walks up to him in defiance, and ultimately defeats the seemingly-unstoppable demon thanks to the prayers of those still on Earth, which somehow reached your party and completely healed them. Oh, how fortuitous! Also, (I'm guessing as an apology) finishing the game unlocks a bonus dungeon on the moon wherein the characters can face off against their deepest fears. I was hoping to meet Yoda at the entrance, but with no such luck, I was, instead, greeted by an ominous voice who warned me of the dangers of blah, blah, blah. Of course, to face them, each character HAD to have been in the final battle, and the game forbids you to play without the main character, soooo... *takes in a deep breath* in order to open all the trials, you need to beat the final boss, at least, THREE TIMES; watching the same long, stupid ending, at least, THREE TIMES; and having to go through many of the same areas within the unlocked dungeon between each trial, at least, THREE F***ING TIMES, for a grand total of... *counts on fingers* 9 more reasons to hate this game! Just think of all the random battling you get to do because of that backtracking.

There's even a gold chest within the dungeon that causes the game to freeze if you open it from the front, so wait a second. First, we have the original FF4. Then, there's the remake included within Final Fantasy Chronicles in 1997, the remake for the WonderSwan Color in 2002, and now, three years later, the GBA remake, which STILL has glitches in it! How many more times must this game be released before someone at Square finally decides to fix it?

The main story took a little over 15 hours to run through, and then I reached the moon. At this point, the monsters suddenly grew strong enough to kill each of my characters with only one or two hits. One moment, my party is slaughtering creatures without any effort, the next, I'm struggling to reach the Lunar Whale before I run out of potions and phoenix tails. It was another 15 hours of mindless grinding before I could move about freely on the moon.

For storage space, you must rely upon a monsterously obese chocobo who will hold on to your equipment by eating it. If you think that sounds absurb, there's more. To call upon this great forest fattie, you must first walk up to a square plot of land where your character will somehow sense the presence of this bird blob. After that, all you have to do is wave some food in the air, and POOF! the enormous emu appears right in front of you, willing to inhale any sort of trinket that may prove useful in the future. Retrieve at your own risk!

Next, there's Rydia, the cutesy, green-haired girl who is the only summoner within the game. Big f***ing deal! Her summon spells are only weaker versions of various attack spells. Rydia also has a very poor physical attack, and her ability to absorb punishment (even during short battles) is non-existent.

Her background is equally bad. At one point, the girl goes missing, only to reappear later in the game as some sort of 8-bit sex symbol, fully grown, because time moves much faster in the "place" she was hiding out at. Well, that makes total sense to me, but even as an adult, she still sucks at everything, and her new summons are just as pathetic as her old ones, with the added annoyance of having to look for them before you can utilize their power.

Another problem I have is with the game's most powerful attack spell, Meteor. With it, your character can deal 9,999 damage in a single blow (provided that your mage can hurry up and channel the attack before one of the monsters knocks him out). After completing the main story, the twin spellcasters can actually obtain items that will allow them to use an even more power attack called the "Double Meteor", which requires both of them to channel the spell for several turns, but it will all be worth it when you finally unleash that massive 9,999 damage... just like the original Meteor spell!

Ok, there's one last gripe, and this time it's about Cid. Cid seems like a neat character (minus that nasty smile of his), but his unqiue ability to study a creature's stats is a lot like many of those status-changing spells (silence, toad, pig, mini... WHY?!), in that it won't work when you need it to. Bosses, of course, are immune to it, as well as many of the stronger monsters you will face later in the story. Other than that, all Cid can do is hit things. He has no magical skills, nor can he perform any other abilities like Hide, Prayer, or Cover. Much like Slippy Toad in Star Fox 64, Cid is worthless as a fighter, and he could have been just as effective as one of those non-playable characters who help move the story along.

At the 1Up message boards, one of the more common things to read about from FF fans is how the series was at its best with the first six games, but how can any of them say this without making a special exception to FF4? Fanboy or not, you'd have to pretty dense to not see this game for the turd that it truly is.

It's Mii time!

**Update: Nintendo now uses "Mii" for the name of its avatars. Oh well. I guess I'll have to rely upon the alterative name for my system, the Mehtendo.**

When E3 was over, I thought, "Wow! I need to cash in on this!" Up until now, it seemed as if Sony would remain on top, thanks in part to their large support from third-party developers and popular exclusive titles. With that risky $600 price tag hanging off of their new system, it's now my chance to come in and dominate the industry with my own system, the Mii! Analyzing everything that made the other systems great, I incorporated (stole) these ideas and placed them into my new system, along with some other features that the competition have sadly neglected to even consider.

Mii features:

Backward and sideways compatibility
Next-gen-after graphics
Cordless controllers with motion, smell, sound, and taste sensoring
Wi-Fi, Ethernet, and telepathic online capability
Includes DVD, VHS, and 8-Track players

Other features include:

Weight-loss success
Laser-eye surgery
Hair removal
Washing clothes / dishes / cars
Alarm system
Cures cancer
Portable grill / refrigerator
Time travel
Brings back the dead
Grants wishes

The Mii, along with its portable system, the Mini Mii, are just the first two pillars in a six-pillar plan to conquer the video game market. The Mii will host a number of first-party games of all genres, along with several exclusive third-party titles from big companies, such as Komani, Hamco, and Raprom. The systems will undercut Nintendo's low price by offering the Mii at only $139.99. How can I do this and still make a profit? Like any good American businessman, I use illegal immigrants. In fact, that's why the system is called Mii: Made by Illegal Immigrants. The Miimote will be capable of hovering in mid-air, allowing the Mii to appeal to two other types of gamers: the lazy and the quadriplegic. Yeah, yeah... time-travel, granting wishes, blah, blah, blah, right? You want to know more about the games. Well, of course, the Mii and Mini Mii combined will offer the largest number of launch titles. While most are still in early development, screenshots of some of the more anticipated games have been provided.

Mii launch titles include:

Tales of Nymphonia

After experiencing turbulence aboard her rheaird, the vibration between Sheena's legs left her with a sensation so wonderful that she departs from a gang of idealistic teenagers to pursue her own quest to find the chosen one of pleasure.

Mutant League Skeeball

Monsters play skeeball at a Chuck E. Cheese restaurant in order to collect enough tickets needed to win the coveted MLS trophy!

Custom Hobo

Customize your vagabond with an assortment of street trash accessories and have him compete in bum fights for glory and the good of mankind.

Hasslevania

For 15 to 20 minutes, the world was at peace, until David Hassleholf once again rose from his tanning bed, unleashing slow-moving, undead lifeguards with giant, bouncing breasts and terrible dialogue to wreck havoc upon nearby beaches. It's up to the Simoan Delmonte and his kinky leather whip to help save humanity, and maybe even end the curse of his virginity.

PEZ Crossing

Explore a new world of wonder and square-shaped candies where even everyday chores are deliciously sweet fun!

Phonic the Groundhog

There's no catching up to this speed-reading demon! Help Phonic stop Dr. Robooknic from conquering the world by quickly reading through each new area's award-winning text and then facing off against evil robot clones of famous authors, such as Edgar Allen Poe, Ray Bradbury, and Dr. Suess!

Petty Theft Auto

It's an open-ended world where you play the role of a 17-year-old street punk who breaks into cars and robs them of loose change, cigarettes, and CDs. You can even pick pockets, snatch purses, and short-change the people at the register.

Streetcraft: Cocaine of Chaos

The mean streets of Los Angeles are about to get meaner as three factions fight for territory, power, and money, while another fights to end it. In this real-time strategy, players are allowed to choose from four races of human sub-species: the Drug Dealers, the Pimps, the Gangs, and the LAPD. As the story unfolds, a stash of very high-quality cocaine from the lost city of Goinnose was said to have been discovered and is currently stored away safely somewhere within the city. This stuff will really f**k you up, and every kind of scumbag wants to find that out for themselves. What they all don't realize is that the LA Mafia already has men of their own working for each of the factions, and no one is sure of who to trust during these times of street violence.

Untold Legends: The Mime's Code

Nothing about this game has been talked about as of yet.

Yazhee: the Video Game

Click the button, and roll. Click the button, and roll. Yes, now you can click and roll your way into a depression as you soon realize that no one else was stupid enough to pay $30 for the virtual equivalent of five dice and a sheet of paper.

Donkey Donga

Slap a wang-shaped controller to some of your favorite tunes and watch how happy that gorilla becomes.

ZOOM

Archeologists have discovered an ancient portal dubbed as "The Gate of Hell." Sent through the portal to collect information, the rest of your party is quickly massacred, leaving you all alone in the HQ building of PBS to fight your way through an army of telebubbies, boo-bah, and several characters from other shows like Cyberchase, Arthur, Mia and Miguel, Between the Lions, Reading Rainbow, Sesame Street, and George Shrinks. Even if you succeed, the real challenge is ahead as you are pitted against the crafty children of ZOOM, dressed in various costumes and utilizing old jokes, food recipes, and science experiences sent in by viewers like you! Rumor has it that Mister Rogers is an unlockable character, but no word yet from the developers has confirmed this.

D.A.R.C.
This is where the graphics of the Mii are used to their fullest extent, as you must explore enemy-filled streets and warehouses on a pitch-black screen, where the only clues as to what is happening are the sound effects!

Stikmin

Dolomar's ship ran into an asteroid and has forced him to crash in the middle of a strange world where the air is too toxic to breathe and the water tastes like Zima. He must locate all the parts to his ship within 30 days, before his air supply and bottles of beer run out. Unsure of how to acquire all the pieces within a month, Dolomar discovers a race of stick figures who are too stupid to question the concept of slave labor. Taking full advantage of their sad ignorance, Dolomar believes he now has a real chance of escaping this hellhole after all.

Bad Racer

This game is gonna suck... away all your free time!

There is no kind of fun anywhere within this game... that you won't have!

This is the absolutely worst piece of crap racing game in the entire known universe; and the graphics, music, and characters are so awful that you will want to kill yourself just to end the misery of it all... will be the exact opposite of what you will really think about the game!

Fatal Fantasy

This massive RPG comes in a pack of 4 discs, each one ending with a hot female character being stabbed to death by the main boss in a poor attempt to cover up the game's mediocrity with shock value.

RV: the Unofficial Video Game

Based upon the box office bomb starring an unfunny Robin Williams in a rip-off of National Lampoon's Vacation, the game directs you along a linear path into obvious situations of toilet humor and other slapstick hi-jinx.

The Legend of Velda: The Milking of Vaccadorf

Another shameless example of product placement in video games, the great wizard Vaccadorf has kidnapped Princess 2%, while his non-dairy minions run amuck throughout the great land of Creamer. It's up to the great hero Velda to save the people of Creamer and their princess.

Miller Instinct

Dennis Miller has stumbled upon a gateway into another dimension where an old man tells him that he is the great warrior foretold by prophets long ago who would come to save their world from several sharp-witted demon comedians.

Nintendung

Produce and care for your favorite animal made from one of Earth's most natural resources. Nintendung provides players with mini-games, walks around public restrooms, and even interaction with the commode floaters of other players as ways of developing and customizing your fecal friend.

BADD Dudes

Brawlers Against Drunk Driving is an organization fighting to stop those who refuse to drink responsibly.

Harvest Poon

There's six gorgeous ladies in need of some lovin', and only one boy who can satisfy them. Which one will it be? Do you like the old-fashioned method? Maybe you'd prefer a dominatrix, a bisexual, or perhaps the one who likes to dress up as an animal. It's up to you!

Super Princess B***h

King Kooga has captured Blario and it is up to the princess to save him. Using the strength of those irrational emotions found within every woman, watch as PMS turns Beach into a super Beach, amplifying her hormonal hatred tenfold.

Mehtris

Tired of remake after remake of everyone's favorite puzzle game, Mehtris simply sends the exact same square block over and over again.

ArmRash and Earl

Gangrene has left ToeJam with only two legs, and if Earl wants to save his friend from having to live the rest of his days in a wheelchair, he and ToeJam's younger brother must scour Funkatron for the funkiest ingredients of funktitude ever to funking funk! Saying "funky" never seems to get old as everyone is required by Funkatron law to use some form of it once in every sentence.

That ho, Raven!

Oh Shnapp! Hungarian cheerleading warlords have taken over the school and have managed to brainwash everyone except for one fat ho whose head was too far into a giant bucket of popcorn chicken to be affected by the hypnosis rays. Can Raven save the school before the player sets the cartridge on fire and flings it into a busy highway?

Floorboard Kids

With not even enough money to buy warm clothes or food, five deformed children decide to participate in a series of competitions using wooden planks from the front porch of someone's cottage and his fence. Can you win enough prize money to feed and clothe your racer before he dies of starvation or hypothermia?

Pac-Bastard

Apparently, there is some infidelity going on in the Pac-Man household as this forsaken offspring stars in his own simple, endless version of the game.

And finally,

Sarsnov

Help a sickly, pale Chinese man find the fabled cure-all can of Buddha's chicken noodle soup by spewing contagious microbes at your enemies and collecting several blocks with the letter "S" on them which have been scattered all over the place. These blocks contain small samples of the soup to help keep your scrawny man alive throughout the journey.

As you can tell, the Mii will reign supreme! Watch out video gaming world! It's my time to shine, motherf-ers! And why? Because it's all about mii!