At least it's not a Gundam game.

I don’t think the Gamecube had too many hits back in its day, comparatively speaking. Still, it was created by Nintendo, and that alone made it an important addition to a gamer’s collection back then. The Mario, Zelda, and Metroid titles that usually come with a Nintendo system already justify the price of the machine, but it also had Pikmin, Animal Crossing, Metal Gear Solid: Twin Snakes, and many other decent games that most probably bought used from eBay to enjoy on their Wii consoles, since a GCN was looked upon by many as a waste of money.  Why I didn't feel like playing one of those classics is beyond me. Instead, I had a desire to start up Custom Robo Battle Revolution, which is the fourth game in a series that never reached America until 2004. For many, including myself, the first time seeing Custom Robo was in the form of “Japan Only” trophies on Super Smash Bros. Melee and that sparked my curiosity. When I was very young, I used to believe that, eventually, all Nintendo games got released in the states. Seeing these new faces in the Smash Bros. trophy gallery left me with a feeling that I was really missing out on something solely because I lived here in the states. Eventually, however, I got over it, since I still have more than enough to play that was released in the US. No point in worrying about what else they have across the ocean if I still can’t finish what they already gave me, right?

He controls the horizontal. He controls the vertical.

Custom Robo is the child of Nintendo and Noise Inc. While they’ve also done Go Go Cosmo Cops and have been working on Acroknights (not sure if they ever actually finished it though), Noise Inc. is really only known for the CR series, because that’s basically all they have: five Custom Robo titles and the other two games I just mentioned. Still, there was success with those games, or, at least, with the first three. The fourth CR title is the first one released in the US and, frankly, it was not a good showing by Noise. One way to compare this would be to introduce the music of the 80s to today’s generation of children by having them watch the music video of Prince’s “Batdance”.

Ever dance with the devil in the pale moon light? How about on the Famicom while he tries to kill you with moving walls?

While CR Battle Revolution does nothing particularly well, it isn’t really that bad, either. There are two exceptions, but I’ll get to them later. First, I want to comment on the title screen and the video that goes with it.

As you begin, you hear something that sounds like the response you get from the cashier at the drive-thru order menu before driving up to the first window. I know it’s saying the title of the game, or, at least, I did after hearing it three or four times to make sure. I think that if the sound quality was going to be that awful, then it would have been better not to say anything at all. It’s not a big deal to just read the title, since one needs to be literate to play the game effectively anyhow. The full motion video is about two minutes long and makes me wish for a television series of the same quality, kinda like watching Pokemon or Beyblades, except the fight scenes might actually be worth viewing.

Battle Revolution’s story mode is a standard (if even that good) kid hero plot that revolves around a teenager who becomes a “commander” after reading a letter from his deceased father. I’m not exactly sure what the letter said, but I’m guessing it was something along the lines of, “Son, regardless of what you wanted to do with your life, you’re going to battle with toy robots, instead. I’m dead now, so you have to fulfill my last wish. It’s like Japanese law, or something.” Prior to this, we are treated to the graphical brilliance of a black screen while ??? and Father have a conversation outside their home. Dad gives his son “Hero” a special watch and tells him never to remove it. He then hops into his car and drives off. This sound effect is the only time the existence of a car is hinted at until you go past wall, and, even then, the vehicle is just part of the rubble. You and your friends always travel in straight lines by foot, which gave me the impression that their domed city was about as small as it looked on the map. Coupled with only ten locations to visit, half of which are a single room in size, the Real World is a bit disappointing. When you do go outside the wall, then it’s a whooping three more places to see, and with both worlds, your path is more or less a linear one. The only chance for exploration is after Hero is asked if he wants to head home to rest. Not that anything interesting comes of it, but you can go to a few places to read what the NPCs have to say about what’s happening in their (very) little world. I remember declining nap time to head over to the park to find everyone trying to figure out what the “Z” meant in the Z Syndicate. This adds a little personality to the game, but, again, you wouldn’t be missing out on anything if you never said no to sleep. Speaking of which, your “New Journey” begins with your landlady, Lucy, yelling at you to get out bed and go to work.

Apparently, your character has trouble getting up in the morning, and it has become routine for this thing to wake you up each day. She seems friendly enough, but is portrayed as being overly oblivious to everything you attempt to explain to her:

You: “Commanders control custom robos.”

Lucy: “Hey, you mind slowing down a bit?! Fuck, man, do I look like an IBM to you? I can’t process all of this shit at once!”

At one point, she referred to a license test as a "lying test." We get it. She's not suppose to be the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree, but it seems like this characteristic of her being ignorant on the matter goes a little too far. She also mispronounces the name of the group you work for multiple times, and does little more than tease or flirt with the people she speaks to. Each time your game saves itself and you wake up to start the next chapter, Lucy will stop you shortly after you leave your home to chat for a few moments about nothing of any value. Admittedly, this is a character I can actually like, because she represents an individual with a more pathetic existence than my own. Thanks, Noise Inc.!

As Hero arrives at Steel Hearts, he meets his new boss Ernest, a Steve Austin look-a-like who spends much of his time in this game sitting in a chair that can take him to and from the backroom to his desk.

Why he couldn’t just walk is beyond me, but he’s not a fat ass, so I won’t question it any further than that. Ernest is smarter than he seems, and he does care about his employees. Actually, he’s one of the few characters I’m not particularly bothered by, because he wasn't made out to be too unbelievable, as was the case with Lucy. The other guy in the room is a different matter.

When you first meet Harry, he comes up to support your desire to become a bounty hunter. Considering your character has no experience and no machine to actually do the job, I’d have to question Harry’s judgment. Rather than waste time arguing, Ernest tells Harry to take Hero with him to the lab to see how things get done. This is fine for your run-of-the-mill career, but I wouldn’t send a novice to watch a bounty hunter work. A serious fight might occur. Someone might get badly hurt or killed. There could be… oh, wait a minute. These are people fighting with toy robots. Nevermind, then. At the lab, you find the crooks standing right outside the building… fighting with three of the officers… in the middle of the day. One is actually just standing there doing nothing, as are a couple of people from the police force. Harry shows Hero that fighting involves facing an individual, diving into your robo, and having it battle the other’s robo within a sphere that appears between them. Why not just arrest these fools while they are occupied in their silly little battles? Who cares if it disrupts their match? They’re breaking the law! In an attempt to help him, Hero ends up causing Harry to lose the match. Serendipitously, you discover the very gad, or cube, or whatever it is these criminals are trying to steal. It suddenly becomes your custom robo, and you now have to battle the same guy Harry lost against, BUT FIRST! Harry has some advice for you. Oh, he has LOTS of advice for you. He won’t stop giving you advice for the ENTIRE. FUCKING. GAME! The few times Harry isn’t doling out turds of wisdom, he’s, instead, telling you to go around the room and receive information from everyone else; from all the failures who couldn't beat you, but, apparently, know more than you do. Those NPCs are brilliant, by the way. I learned that SPD means “speed”, which has to do with how fast something moves, and ATK means “attack”, which has to do with how much damage a weapon deals.

Girl:  "Useful info, huh? A little TOO useful, don't you think?"

I can tolerate the derp factor most of the time, but because this game has a graph for each type of part, the developers not only had these characters explain the stats for them, but also felt it was necessary to explain the stats repeatedly, rather than assume that the player could just figure out that “ATK” meant the same thing for a bomb as it did for a gun. Despite all this, Harry still tops everyone else with that first bit of advice at the start of the game when he told me to “BLAM BLAM BLAM”, “ZOOM ZOOM ZOOM”, and “BANG BANG” to win.

Now I know what happens to all the clothes that Goodwill refuses to take.

I’m surprised no one ever says anything to him about how he looks. Isn't there a term for people who dress like him? Seriously, I'm curious about it. He's not quite trailer park trash, but somewhere along those lines.

Moving on, the third person in your group is Marcia, a shy girl who spent much of her childhood relying upon her brother, Sergei, for support while distancing herself from everyone else. Because of her ability to half-dive, allowing her to read the thoughts of another commander, the other children found her to be strange and people from the lab actually took her and forced her to participate in their experiments. It's no surprise how she grew to become socially awkward. Hoping to find out about Sergei’s disappearance, Marcia plans to earn a Class A license and join the police someday.  It seems like she is going to be the girl your character gets in the end, but nothing really indicates her being interested in anyone besides her brother. Hawt, I know.

There are plenty of other named characters in this, and they all come back to battle you in the second part of the game, but I’m fairly certain you’ll forget all of them shortly after you begin playing something else.

The same thing can be said about the plot. The whole story plays out like a 12-episode season of Generic the Anime, and most of it is padded with consecutive tournaments. The one redeeming quality to this mess is the combat… ha, just kidding! Mash all the buttons on your controller as quickly as you can and you’re guaranteed to win most of your fights. No, the one thing this game does well is poke fun at itself. It doesn't take long for the player to realize that Noise Inc. put a stronger emphasis on having fun with their work rather than with trying to create the next epic adventure. Most of your character’s choices are variations of “Yes” “No” and “Something Silly”, but I usually avoided the third option since it, like the second option, often resulted in having everything explained to me again.

The graphics are nothing spectacular. They look better than the screenshots I’ve seen of the previous games, but that was a rather low hurdle to jump over, and the box art includes pictures from the CGI video, rather than of the actual game. Movement is a little stiff, so combat feels clunky to me. 

I find it appropriate that the developers call themselves “Noise”. The music is atrocious and made worse by the sound of each letter that formed as a character talked to you. In response, I muted my TV and began playing music from a station on my iTunes radio that specialized in classic Eurodance. Living up to its slogan: “Finest imported cheese on the net,” I was treated to such stellar hits as Alcazar’s amalgamation of Upside Down and Land of Confusion and the creatively-titled Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom!! by the Vengaboys, which features genius lyrics like “I wanna double boom.” This is still better than anything I might listen to within the game.

Ears must not exist in the world you four live in.

What actual reasons could I provide to convince you, the non-existent reader of this blog, to play this game? Well, there’s the “collect’em all!” mentality one develops while trying to complete the first part. Bombs and pods don’t seem to do a whole lot of good, but if you want to rack up those points in the Grand Battle, choosing the right body type and gun is essential for each match. Then, you’ve got the simplistic and forgiving gameplay. I’m not particularly fond of the bazillion tips that everyone, especially Harry, believes is necessary for me to progress through the story mode, but explanations of each robo part and holosseum allow the player the opportunity to carefully choose how he wishes to proceed into battle. With every new piece obtained, there’s also the option to practice using it, instead of finding out how it works during an actual fight. Even if you disregard the information, the practice opportunities, and Harry’s need to treat you like an idiot, losing simply means redoing the battle. You don’t have to load up the game again, or go back to the last save point. It just repeats the last line or two of text with the person you lost against and the preparation screen loads up again. It’s all rather convenient. I don’t feel like I need to study everything about my opponent and carefully pick out each piece of my custom robo. In fact, most of the time, I just chose whatever looked good and went in mashing my attack buttons. Lastly, the word "natter" was used. Kudos for that!

If you are a fan of interchangeable robots, and if can find a copy for under $15, then I definitely recommend it. The initial story mode isn’t going to take up too much of your time, and the Grand Battle can be finished casually, without the need to aim for top scoring in every fight. I’m fairly certain, however, that if you make it through the first half, you’ll likely keep going until you’ve gathered every available part.

"What the hell? Why was I not in this?!"