I Finally Fantasied 5 & 6.

I've had to restart this thing five times now, so I apologize if I seem a teensy bit agitated throughout the post.

Last December, I bought Final Fantasy 6 and placed Final Fantasy 5 on my wishlist, because if I played one more shitty-ass Final Fuck-up of Linearized Melodrama, I sure as Hell wasn't going to pay another $15 to do it again. Much to my surprise, I absolutely LOVED Final Fantasy 6! Is it better than Final Fantasy 7? Is it better than...

"the best game ever!?"

Oh, good heavens, yes! I mostly enjoyed FF7. A final boss form that becomes increasingly difficult when one levels up his party or uses the strongest summon to defeat the previous form, loads of optional content (including more mini-games), a terrific soundtrack that is my favorite of all the FF titles, and, most importantly, it comes with Cait Sith.

I'm no gambling man, but randomized abilities provide some much-needed
entertainment during long periods of grindy battles.

In fact, the only major problem I have with FF7 is that the storyline is grossly convoluted. With each new twist and revelation, the whole thing felt like it was trying way too hard to keep me invested, which was never an issue during my playthrough. While 6 does have its moments, none of them are too far out there to be unbelievable.

Released a year prior to Chrono Trigger, one would be hard pressed not to find the influence FF6 had on Trigger's development. They look so goshdarn like the same game. I would say to them, "You want Biggs and Wedge?" Both of them say, "Yes." In fact, nearly every aspect of Chrono Trigger is a polished variation of FF6, with exceptions to its Active Time Battle system (which is drastically better) and Lavos, whose shallow presence is comparable to that of the final bosses for the other five Final Fantasy titles. At least he's not as bad as FF3's Miss Dark Cloud of Unlocking Credits who just appears out of Xande's well-toned ass and threatens all of existence.

"I love my forehead."

Lavos is just trying to feed and reproduce. Killing him for our own survival is more like a way of life, rather than a heroic deed. It's not what I would call a "satisfying conclusion" for the story, and it makes me wonder why Square went back a step with the character's depth after doing such an amazing job with Kefka, the "gag" villain of FF6, who stopped playing the fool around the time he decided to poison off an entire kingdom while comparing the sounds of their agony to that of beautiful music. He later topped this by booting his power-hungry king right off the edge of a floating landmass, absorbed enough power to turn himself into a god, and, basically, destroyed the entire surface of the planet. See, now that's the kind of scumbag practically every player would want to take down in the finale - a murderous, semi-omnipotent clown deity. I know calling him a "clown" already implied "murderous," but there's no harm in clarifying.

FF6 also features a rather large cast of playable characters, quality graphics (partially omitted from mobile ports), and a story that not only follows through in a similar, competent fashion to that of 5, but also manages to highlight the charm of several individuals through various subplots. My only major gripe is with having to "grind" for special attacks, especially for an achievement hunter. All of Gau's Rage moves, for example, deal with your party having to encounter previous enemies in a region known as the Veldt. If you actually come across a monster with a move Gau still needs to learn, then have Gau use Leap on that enemy and he will leave the party. During another random battle, he will appear, remind the party that he is their friend and join the team again... unless you hit him by mistake, that is. Then, the brat runs away and you repeat that scene with, yet, another random battle. All of this must be done to learn a single Rage move from the monster you targeted with his Leap ability, and potentially another from a monster you defeated during the battle of his return. What enemies you will face is randomized, making this achievement more frustrating than the traditional "Level (character name) to 99" nonsense, and, with regard to both achievements, this ought to come with a free punch to the mouth of whomever believed it was a brilliant idea to have in the first place.

Six offers plenty of optional bosses, including a gaggly clan of weak dragons, a magic man, a goof-off cephalopod and his snorty sidekick, and even Gilgamesh who shows up for a one-on-one, because he's Gilgamesh, the Cid of FF enemies. The guy just loves to make appearances, even in games that were released before his debut. Remember him in FF2? Nor did I until I played Dawn of Souls.

Great. Now the guy's going Turbo.

The final bout with Kefka is the most impressive I've ever fought in an RPG. A climbing gauntlet that requires the cooperation of twelve party members, and it's not Kefka taking on new Frieza-styled forms, either, which I greatly appreciate. Instead, you get to deal with a towering abomination, immediately followed by the God of Magic himself.

While many parts of the game will require the use of other characters anyhow, it's still important to spread the love throughout the entire party, because a single team of four probably won't reach the top without having somebody removed during one of the transitions. As for me, the only one I truly ignored was Gau, so he, along with Shadow, was left behind. I didn't actually know I was suppose to wait for Shadow, so I had no choice but to fight Kefka without him.

Overall, this game revitalized my desire to play more of the series. I give it an 11 out of 10, and I would gladly play again if I didn't have a mountain of other games to work through. Is it the best Final Fantasy? Probably... kinda... I'm not sure yet, but it was definitely good enough to convince me to purchase its predecessor, which is a vast improvement over 4, but pales in comparison to 6. I guess that's kinda how it should be with sequels, right?

Here is where the shitty ass graphics really shine for the mobile ports. It wasn't nearly this glaring with FF6, but look at those seams! FUCKIN' LOOK AT THEM! Who at Square Enix actually believed a straight mobile port was a fantastic idea to put on the PC? ...as if that mattered. Those money grubbin' assclowns knew modders would offer their free services to fix those mistakes, meaning they'd not only save money on, you know, not doing their own fucking work, but would also receive all the money from the Steam purchases, but, hey, we can now legally own almost the entire main series on the PC along with an assortment of nifty achievements to earn, like opening every chest in the game and maxing out levels, right?

Is this not embarrassing to Square Enix?
It's like shitting your pants and not caring if your customers notice.

When running the game, the launcher, in its own window, must always be present. There's also the little matter of a randomizing cursor to contend with. Sometimes, I get to attack when I try to attack, but, at other times, it will try to make me choose an item to waste, or cast magic, or... actually it doesn't matter! I shouldn't have to fight with my controls to play an "enhanced port" of a 20-year-old game. Even outside of battle, the whole menu system is cumbersome and counterintuitive. Maybe that's how it was back in 1992, but if we're enhancing a port, an enhanced menu should be included. Then again, maybe this setup was perfect for a mobile device. I'm not sure. I don't play mobile games (unless they're a shoddy port on a PC, that is). Judging by some of the complaints I've read on the store page, this remake suffers from additional problems for those with high-end graphic cards and/or while utilizing multiple monitors. I'm lucky in that regard, because I'm not fortunate enough to be rich, which isn't really all that lucky at all, so I'm neither rich nor lucky! Ha ha ha... *breaks down in tears*

Ok, so it's a technical and visual mess. If you can get past that, however, it's not a bad game at all. Moments of comedy are effectively sprinkled throughout a straightforward tale of good vs evil across multiple worlds.

It has vore, too.

Sprites are certainly cleaner, though no effort was made to have the main cast resemble the portraits of their concept art. I won't bother complaining about it, since I'm sure it would have offended a large chunk of the fan base to alter one to appear more like the other, and I bet there's already a free mod available to address the matter. What I am peeved about is how players are supposed to be fooled into believing Faris is a male for the first third of the adventure when her in-game sprite clearly resembles that of her sister and every other female. It's not really much of a reveal, now is it?

Enemy sprites look great.
Some better than others.

I love the dialogue in this one. Woolsey is a fantastic translator, no matter how inaccurate parts of a script might become.

*The greatest theme song ever begins to play*

Leaping lizards! What are we gonna do, Bartz?!

*rimshot*

References! 

Just give me a moment to slip into my Hammer pants.

But it's not all about fun 'n' games, lousy graphics, and vore...

Ok, so there's a little more vore.

There's also a need for work, which is why Final Fantasy 5 revisits the job system of FF3 through the use of exploding crystals. Just pick up a piece of the debris and you're now a Summoner, a Beserker, a Dragoon, a Ninja, a Furry, or a handful of other jobs that help to further bloat the game, because grinding is fun and should be stretched out for as long as possible. While some provide a reasonable skill set, many should have been condensed or cut out completely, like the Geomancer, which only provides a single decent ability, followed by worthless fluff. Separate jobs for singing and dancing? Fluff. Why couldn't a Beastmaster and a Ranger go hand-in-hand? Because fluff. Having to accumulate a second type of experience just to level jobs? Here's more fluff. Also, to make things more obnoxious, many enemies will only provide one of the two kinds, so there's rarely a single farming spot to conveniently power up your team.

Several of the earned abilities are complete garbage, regardless of what job offers them.

Learning how to tie a knot is tricky stuff!

The worst of these comes from being a Chemist and learning to use the Drink ability to, you guessed it, drink something. I know these characters already possess the ability to drink. Two of them were doing it during a cutscene in Regole. It's just more blatant padding with more fucking achievements trying to glorify them.

FUCK YOU, BADGE!

On the matter of achievements, there's a lot of missible content to worry about. Oddly enough, the bestiary isn't one of them, if you can believe that. Frequently saving in different slots will allow the player to go back to various spots in the game to encounter enemies and record them for the bestiary of every save file. Not just that one. So, if you were in a rush to beat the timer at Karnak Castle, you probably missed somebody.

Why yes, Bartz. That guy.

I was hoping this would work with opening the chests, because I know I skipped a few at Karnak Castle in order to escape from the explosion. Then again, maybe it does, and I unknowingly missed a chest elsewhere.

Beating Mr. Mwa-Ha-Ha...

"I turned myself into a tiny..."
Again, the dialogue is magnificent.

...unlocks a new dungeon with a more powerful duo of superbosses, a lousy boss rush, random battles against enemies that were extremely rare to encounter throughout the main storyline, and, of course, more fucking jobs to level up, including the Oracle, which I feel is the least useful of the twenty-six. This dungeon provides a decent challenge, along with a few choice spots for farming both kinds of experience, if that's your thing. I actually grinded everyone to level 99, just because I wanted to try and take down Neo Shinryu. Even then, he still pummeled my team a few times, but I suppose he wouldn't be much of a superboss if he didn't.

A fan of the SNES or GBA version has every right to hate this port. It's shit. Hell, the GBA port looks and plays better. Why didn't Square Enix lazily reuse that, instead? Why make another that's actually worse than the 1992 version? I'm not a developer. Perhaps there are issues involved that I'm not aware of, but none of this makes sense to me. I had never played V or VI beforehand, so I was more involved with the storylines than with the technical matters, and I was happy just to fully understand what was going on without the need of an online summary to explain what I just went through. I'm pretty sure the bat shit crazy stuff began on the PlayStation with FF7's weird tale of false memories, alien clones, and the Lifestream, though I still remember more about that than I did after playing FF8. All I can recall from that one is the Balamb Garden theme music, rocket motorcycles, a cute teacher with a whip, and Triple Triad. Practically nothing of the story itself. This worries me a little, because I really hope FF9 isn't a confusing mess to understand. I also hope the Steam port isn't another embarrassment for the developer, though I highly doubt they would care if it was.

Evoland 2: A Sequel with a Marginally Shorter Subtitle

"After a few years, you'll probably only remember this as 'that game about stuff from other games.'"

That's a quote from my post about Evoland: A Short Story of Adventure Video Games Evolution. Yes, that's the full name of it. This is the one that took first place in the 2014 Ludum Dare competition. I blogged about it nearly two years ago, so I understand if you forgot. Hell, I typed the thing and it still managed to slip from my memory. Well, did you know a sequel, Evoland 2: A Slight Case of Spacetime Continuum Disorder (Yes, that's the full name of it), was released on Steam and gog.com back in August? Really? Shit, I wish you had told me! I didn't know that!

Thanks to the Steam winter sale event, I discovered its existence while speeding through my Explore Your Queue list. I bought it at half price, because it was during the winter sale (duh), but don't listen to anyone claiming this indie isn't worth its $20 price tag. Shiro Games significantly improved upon the original, providing roughly fifteen to twenty hours of varied entertainment, and that's if you're only focused upon reaching the end. I clocked in thirty-seven, but I also have a tendency to leave the game running while doing equally-unimportant things. Plus, I took the time to earn all the achievements.

Beat'em up mode with Ababa and his pirate crew.

As with the original, Evoland 2 periodically swaps out the mechanics of one genre with another. One of the reasons I bought this was to answer the same questions Paul had when I told him about it: "Didn't Evoland already give us an acceptable history lesson on various adventure titles? What more could the sequel provide?" In retrospect, it's a bit odd that neither of us thought about delving into other (non-adventure) genres, because that's exactly what E2 did. Seamlessly, too. For something that tackles (in no particular order) platformer, match-three, rhythm, shmup (horizontal and vertical), fighting, brawler, stealth, tactical rpg, action adventure, active time battles, tcg, and puzzles, one would think there'd be a loading screen once in a while. Not only that, but the damn thing is constantly auto-saving. When it isn't, reaching a save point will restore health and mana, and boss battles supply health, experience, and cash that carry over even if the player fails. Sounds like excessive hand-holding, but we're typing about an assortment of genres here. Someone might be a badass when it comes to handling a bullet hell, yet still has trouble timing his jumps across a series of temporary platforms. It's impressive for Shiro Games to take this into consideration, especially since parts of Evoland 2 are not half as easy as their simplified mechanics might lead you to believe. I had my ass kicked a few times for underestimating the situation.

With regard to story, something vaguely existed in the original. It's successor, however, took heavy inspiration from Chrono Trigger, which includes waking up at the start, a lot of time traveling, and an ending that leaves the player with several unanswered questions. There's a war going on between demons and humans in the past, which is being remembered with a 50th anniversary festival in the present, and your team includes a pair of women with particularly familiar characteristics. One is the obvious love interest with a headstrong and ill-mannered personality, plays the role of healer at certain points in the game, and also happens to be the daughter of a village leader. The other is an intelligent, rational lady who becomes the go-to for answers when things become weird, and she isn't afraid to close in on her enemies and bonk them on the head with a hammer the book she's carrying.

Didn't she use to wear a hat?

Might as well make the lawsuit from Square Enix a reality by having Kuro shoot bolts of lightning from his arse while a talking, armour-clad frog defends himself with a rainbow-coloured banjo. Then again, The Exogarth is no substitute for Lavos, and a racing segment is the one thing Trigger does include that Evoland 2 forgot about ...unless there is a racing portion in Evoland and I'm the one who forgot. Hmmm.... Anyhow, here's The Exogarth!

"Run for your virtual lives! It's a giant turd with wings!"

Outside of mechanics, anyone with even a shallow pool of entertainment knowledge to drink from will spot references overladen throughout the journey. It's not just game-related content, either.

As if anime doesn't reference DBZ enough, here's two more to add to that list.
The shield is fairly obvious, but you might not spot the "ACME" label on the barrel.

Here's a line of references the game referenced earlier now making a reference of its own. 

Reminds me of one of my neighbors.
yuk yuk yuk yuk yuk

Unintentionally, Evo2 even pays homage to the glory days of Barry Burton.

This shouldn't surprise anyone, since Shiro Games is an indie developer from France.
Still, I wish their lines were voice acted. That could have been amazing!

I experienced very few bugs in my playthrough. The game did freeze three times, but, as I mentioned, it autosaves so often that I lost nothing as a result. Other than that, I noticed a handful of amateur loose ends, like having a character refuse to follow you into a particular location only to do so right before the game assumes you're about to leave, triggering the character's return to your party. In some parts, the player is given a choice, but the alternative cutscene for completing an event can also be triggered depending upon where you go after finishing the first. And, of course, there's some clipping, because there's always clipping.

Oh, Kuro. You so craaazy. Now take that filthy barrel off your head!

I can't vouch for Evoland's replay value. None of its achievements are missable (That's a poor excuse to force anyone to start a new game anyhow!) and, for all that it does, there's nothing specific I would deem outstanding. Everything ranges from average (story; gameplay; boss battles) to above average (character development; humor; the soundtrack), and its scores reflect this. I do wish to highlight its encouragement towards reaching 100% completion. Not only does the Everything under the Sun-dar item aid the player in finding all the chests, dragon balls, and collectible cards (except for one in the mines, and, for that, just smash the wall directly in front of the entrance) throughout the world, it also rewards you with a slowly-rotating 3D model based upon that percentage.

Here's what I received the first time I completed the game.
I assure you, it's missing a few things.

A speed runner can complete the original Evoland in roughly 31 minutes at any %. Evoland 2's top runner so far does this in just under 5 hours. That's further reason to justify spending an Andrew Jackson, right? But if you want to be sensible and pick it up during a Steam sale, consider purchasing the soundtrack DLC along with it. There's 51 songs (1 hour and 42 minutes) of decent variety on that thing, including Castlevania, so I'm sure you'd find something to your liking. I figured there would need to be at least seven songs on that soundtrack to justify paying $6.99. You know, about $0.99 per tune. I enjoy thirty of them, with eleven being in my Top Rated playlist. That's seven bucks well spent.

Overall, I am quite satisfied with Evoland 2, and I hope to see more from Shiro Games in the near future.

What do think, Wedge?

Shuffle Scolding and the Badge Arcade

First, I would like to compound my agitation towards Pokemon Shuffle and its little bullshit quirks with a few fuck ton of words. Skip to the image below, if you rather not read it. 

Last time, through an update on my Shuffle post, I think I was bitching about how even the weakest of the bunch are nigh invincible without forking over the full cost of buffs provided, including the 2500 for the great ball effect to double up on catch percentage, because, even if you obtain an S ranking, many of these stages will reward your success with some grossly pathetic chance, like 18%, and that doesn't even amount to a friggin' coin flip's chance of catching the prick, despite how much you already paid out in assistance to get that ranking. This is ok, however, because if you willingly empty out the rest of your savings again to repeat the process, that will mathematically earn you slightly better odds the next time. How, then, could I have more to whine about, and why would I still be bothering with such a game if whining is what comes out of playing it? Fair questions.

Ok, so I only bother with Shuffle on my old 3DS. Some of the buttons don't work, the newest titles won't play at all, and its only real purpose for functioning now is to feed my New 3DS XL StreetPass support. Recently, I discovered a new, somewhat handy, reason to keep it by my side, but I'll get to that later in the post. Pokemon Shuffle is something I can play on my old 3DS (i.e. I don't need all the buttons to work.) It provides somewhat better gameplay when compared to similar, candy-related apps, and I am a sucker for match-3 games, unfortunately. Always have been.

Shuffle is probably going to be the only way I will ever catch'em all in a single Pokemon game. I know I can't do that with the main titles, especially after I was told of the Mew giveaway five days AFTER that had ended. Celebi starts now, but, again, if I go out to Gamestop for the rest, I will still be missing him, and there's a good chance I will miss out on another, because driving to Gamestop for each of these events during the anniversary is more trouble than it's worth. Costly, too. The whole thing is just to get me in there to buy shit, and I know I would. Best to avoid the temptation. Moving back to the freemium, a play session is about ten minutes at most. It's something to do while I stand in the kitchen and wait for water to boil, the microwave timer to end, or the oven to preheat. It's an alternative to sitting in the break room for fifteen minutes and watching soaps on the television while I chug tap water. I know a real handheld video game could kill that time, too, but Shuffle provides so many stopping points. That's convenient. Plus, Meowth is still available for milk money. Thanks to him, I can level up my team, fill my coffers, and successfully complete all the special events featured each week. I'd be lying if I typed that it didn't feel good to win every mega stone and capture every legendary that strolls on in to hang out. Sometimes, I think Shuffle deserves money. It does offer free plays, and new stuff is always being added to it. Then, I notice yet another crippling aspect being inserted into its gameplay. 

So, you've maxed out your team, yet their combined power doesn't drop an opponent fast enough for a reasonable chance at capture. Hell, you're lucky if you even manage to win before the stage ends. For a short time, one strategy would be to add the same garbagemon to your team that the stage produces as a disruption, because that means both of you would be filling the stage with them, and that influx would greatly increase chained matches to help rack up damage. It likely wouldn't be super effective shots, but lots of chip damage will still add up and help clear away the clutter for matching the rest of the team. Shuffle decided to counter this by including another garbagemon whenever the first one is chosen to tackle the stage. By doing this, the board is now filling up with two ineffective creatures, and you just wasted a heart as a result. The Pokemon Company was quick to quash that idea. There's still the preferred strategy of support through payment buffs, right? Yeah, and guess what they've recently done with that. Let's say you have trouble with an asshole's disruption pattern. You know if you stall that, there's a good chance to inflict enough damage to terribly wound, if not outright defeat, your opponent. One doesn't need ALL of the buffs, so you decide to only pay out the 1500 for a disruption delay. What?! The game can't have you spending your coins on just some of the items. You're suppose to buy all of them for every stage, and to help reinforce that demand, delaying a Pokemon will now cause it to become more dangerous once the effect wears off. What might have taken two or three turns will now occur every. fucking. turn. Good thing that bloated health bar ensured survival until the delay wore off, right? Lastly, I noticed Pokemon you may have caught during special events are also a part of the main stages. If you were dumb enough, like me, to believe capturing them with limited time was a good reason to spend your coins, then prepare your metaphorical anus for a second pounding. The guy is just as difficult, meaning you'll most likely have to spend your coins again to progress further, and even if you pay out for all the assistance, there's still a strong chance you won't earn the S ranking needed to help unlock expert stages with the Pokemon one isn't able to catch otherwise. Guess I'll put my money elsewhere.

I think what will be the breaking point for this is when someone finally decides, "We need to make it impossible for players to grind Meowth for coins, or, at least, reduce his health bar so that he commonly falls before anyone can set up a 4- or 5-match with the coins for it to really pay off." It'll happen, and I won't care. I still haven't paid a cent for playing the game, and I've done a pretty good job of clearing stages and leveling strong teams despite that. I wouldn't recommend anyone wishing to start now. If you didn't get in on the ground floor, and you think you can enjoy this without paying, then it's going to be more trouble than it's worth. The Marvel Puzzle Quest is the same way. Actually, MPQ is worse, because a newcomer is not only going to struggle with weekly events, but there's also the scummy inclusion of comic book barriers halting character growth. A shame that pack of covers you bought didn't include the ones you needed. Perhaps if you give up more of your money.... Sure, Pokemon Shuffle is shit, but it's still a slightly higher grade of shit, and it's that distinction I'm using to segue into the main topic of this post, because I think it's kinda related. Maybe? Meh. You be the judge.

"Check out the Nintendo Badge Arcade, a fun-filled, free-to-start, crane machine game."

Right from the get-go, we have Nintendo directly entering the P2P market with a bit of subtle honesty, or, perhaps, it isn't entirely, because sometimes it is free. Either way, this isn't how other developers introduce themselves on the matter. This isn't really how business in general operates anymore.

Nintendo Badge Arcade is a virtual building run by a pink hare with no English name more creative than Arcade Bunny. It's Baito in Japan, I believe. (Sounds more like a suitable name for a wolf, but whatever.) Arcade Bunny introduces the sucker player to a collection of crane games offering you the chance to decorate the home menu of your Nintendo 3DS handheld. Some use a traditional claw to grab at the prizes, while others utilize either a hammer or even drop a bomb, but all of them run on money. Wanna know what kind of stupid, fictional currency it is this time? Gems? Stars? Carrots?

Real money? Ha! You're not gonna fool people with that sort of nonsense, Nintendo.

Yes, this particular P2P is upfront about everything. It's fairly generous, and it never tries to convince you of how important it is keep spending money, opting, instead, to respond with, "No worries! That's cool." Visiting each day can randomly provide free plays either at the start of a new day's introduction or through the practice catcher:

As is stated by the image, this thing is playable once a day, the brown badge look-alikes are not for you to keep, and it actually recreates one of the active games currently available, so it's practice for not only using the claw itself, but also practice for how to best approach the machine it is imitating. Every time one manages to store ten fake badges, they earn a free play. Alternatively, those badges might flip over to reveal free plays of their own: blue = 1 & red = 3. Adding to that, if you're lucky enough to clear out all the practice badges before using up your five practice turns, it'll refill and you can keep going. I was expecting it to end. Who wouldn't nowadays? More surprisingly, guess what happens if you fail miserably and come up with nothing after those five attempts? Sucks for yo... the rabbit lets you have five more chances. A do-over. He actually gives the player a fucking do-over! How is that not amazing?! Since I have this on both of my handhelds, I test the waters on the old one first, so that it provides additional practice (in addition to the practice and other practice this practice machine provides) for when I play it on my New 3DS. See, that's another reason to keep my original with me at all times. More practice! The most I've ever accumulated in one day is five free plays, which is not common. Usually, you'll score one, if any. Still, it's free, and what fake badges you have left after cashing in each divisible of ten is carried over to the next day.

Everything other than the menu icons are badges, including Bowser's fireball.
(...because you may just want a menu of fireballs.)

The real cost to play is five chances for a buck. What are you trying to buy with that buck? Badges that allow one to decorate his 3DS in all sorts of ways, with some being able to replace the standard icons used to launch music, photos, settings, the Mii Plaza, and those other ones I forget about. Walking progress or something. Some themes are available to go with the badges, but, as the bunny says, they're not necessary. Rather than the more elaborate options sold individually at the theme store itself, these blank counterparts are given as gifts to those who spend $2 or more on the cranes during specific time periods. The in-game theme shop will alert you to one of these periods on the top of it's entrance, as will the rabbit on the bottom screen. A theme in the main shop is $1.99 anyhow, so spending two bucks for ten plays AND a badge theme is not a bad deal at all. I particularly favor the SMB Underwater look, even though I didn't bother aiming for the appropriate underwater Mario badges to go along with it.

Fill it however you want.

The bulk of collectibles are not that challenging to get. Hell, a few will fall into the pit and add themselves to your collection before you even begin. Because it's Nintendo, there's tons of these things a person like me would want. I sometimes compare them to Amiibos, except I can actually get these without the aid of a scalper. Of course, one could argue how much nicer it is to own a tangible, decorative piece to show off in your home, studio, ...wherever, but I could argue that the ones I want most are now overpriced thanks to the initial supply shortage, and I really don't have the space to make room for a whole bunch of plastic (and yarn) models. I also don't like having doll-like things around me. They creep me out. Then there's this:

It might mean nothing right now, yet those badges might serve another function later on, similar to the Amiibos. It's a neat thing to ponder.

What effectively sells this distraction, in addition to its straightforward and guilt-free approach, is Arcade Bunny himself. There's a lot of personality in the little fellow. Probably far more than in practically every other Nintendo character. Hey, I love Mario and Link, but neither says much, and their actions are usually straightforward. This guy is a chatterbox, and a good one at that!

Each time a new event takes place, the visitor is greeted immediately with a smile, a wave, and then about five to ten minutes of talk. He usually tosses out a free play afterwards, so think of it as either a "thank you" for listening, or as an apology for the wait. I've actually chuckled a few times. A few. It's not easy to make me laugh, though I do appreciate the effort... except when some unoriginal shithead responds with, "That's what she said!" Yuk yuk yuk.... sigh. I'm always expecting a standard (boring) reaction, if not a negative one, from others. When, instead, I'm told something along the lines of, "Hey, you don't have to pay squat while you're here! Come in, check for a free play, and leave if you want. I just like having someone to talk to," it's refreshing. At this moment, there's a celebration going on that includes two free plays for seven straight days. I play this on both of my handhelds, and Arcade Bunny has responded differently to each one. I intentionally do this when presented with dialogue choices, as well, but, here, he thanked me on my New 3DS for occasionally spending money, even if it was always towards the ten plays + theme bundles, then complimented me on my old 3DS for wisely remaining thrifty by relying solely upon the free plays. It's little details like that I associate most often with Nintendo. Even with something like this. Even with something built around the most unlikable genre of video games. 

If an upbeat lagomorph with a silver tongue isn't enough, there's also the gallery. Take the badges you've collected, make yourself a neat little something-or-other out of your Home Menu, then upload its image to Nintendo. They know you are not likely to dart around, whipping out your 3DS to others in public, so here's the alternative. I would have figured it to be just a board of pictures. "Look! I'm on the wall this month! Yay!" Again, Nintendo puts in the effort to have Arcade Bunny uniquely comment on each one and has him thank the sender by name. It might not seem like much to you, but I always associate Nintendo's need to feature stuff like this as a continuation of its stance on maintaining positive connectivity with the community, as it once did with family in mind.

For one's own curiosity, Badge Arcade does provide the player with a way to keep track of how many badges they've earned so far. I think this would have been odd if it wasn't included.

Then you find out it's just a series of bunny statues holding your collection book.
It's the thought that counts, I suppose... a diabolical thought!

I'm only compelled to blog about the badge arcade, because I don't think it deserves to be lumped together with the underhanded, money-grubbing lot that more closely relates to this sort of entertainment (Dungeon Keeper and All the Bravest, for example) just because it's P2P. Nintendo's doing what we all knew was eventually going to happen. I just wasn't expecting it to be this. Rather than paying to "win" at a specific game, Nintendo provides another opportunity for expression through customization, a thing Nintendo has been doing since... when?

Perhaps in 1995 with the whole "Play It Loud!" Game Boy campaign?

I originally believed Pokemon Shuffle was Nintendo's doing, and I was pretty agitated by it. Then, I corrected myself with an update and apologized. I still thought that was how Nintendo was going to eventually introduce itself to the P2P market. DLC for a quality title is one thing, but how could something that thrives solely upon charging the player for every little action they take be of any value? Well, I think Nintendo Badge Arcade shows potential, and I simply want to express my appreciation for the effort they put into crafting it. No guilt. No deception. No crushing defeats at the fins of an overpowering whale. I seriously expected MUCH worse. Still, many have already labeled Nintendo Badge Arcade as such with the lackluster reasoning: "It's aiming for your money through your children! Don't be fooled by its cute mascot!" Look, I know some parents are still not hip to the advanced technology of a 3DS, but Parental Controls on the thing are about as simple as they can be, and, as long as a person isn't stupid enough to share the PIN# with his/her kids, there shouldn't be any problems. I don't store money on my account, nor do I store my card information, and I don't even have kids! Years ago, I posted about how one's son or daughter could get around the restrictions of buying mature titles at a brick and mortar store. That's still true. Here, though, all you gotta do is NOT tell them the four digits to that PIN and don't make the answer to your secret question an obvious one. Standard precautions. That's it! Even if they get their hands on a eShop card behind your back, they still need that access to use it.

If customization isn't your thing, then tell people that. I've actually paid a little bit towards this in hopes of encouraging Nintendo to keep up with its level of quality. I'm not hooked on badges and themes. They're neat, and I am curious as to how they might be used later on, possibly with the NX, but I can live without them. I'm paying towards promoting this degree of character development, as is present with the antics of the game's mascot, and towards Nintendo's honest business practices.

 Don't compare Nintendo to EA, people. It deserves better than that.
Wait. Let me clarify. For right now, it deserves better than that. 

Like almost everyone else, I rather P2P and DLC didn't exist at all in the gaming industry, but Badge Arcade is a fair, realistic compromise. Let's give it credit for that.

Keep doing your thing, Nintendo.

Quit pissing me off, Shuffle.

Four in February: Open World Destruction

I never did much in GTA III. I don't think I even bothered with missions. All I ever focused upon was trying to increase my threat level as much as I could before losing. A shallow way to appreciate one of the most influential titles of the gaming industry, to be sure, but, in an effort to rectify that mistake, I decided to go and play GTA III properly an 8-bit indie title inspired by it.

Retro City Rampage DX is little more than a collection of nostalgic bits lovingly crammed together in the pixel city of Theftropolis, where nobody locks their car door. Your name is The Player. You enjoy senseless violence, reckless driving, wreckful driving, weapons of all kinds, and iced tea... a lot. While working for a crime syndicate, you steal a phone booth, fly into the future, and, well, go back to doing what you do. It's totally optional to care enough to help Doc get his klunker running again, though your future self will provide a compelling argument in his favor.

Collecting parts for Doc Choc involves tackling throwbacks to numerous games, while the arcade challenges are basically killing sprees using a particular weapon. Playing through the story will unlock additional references, weapons, challenges, and alternative characters.

Sweat Bomber and Bates take after the Splosion Man titles.

It's not really a pretty game, and it doesn't take long to notice how saturated RCRDX truly is with references. The action and dialogue reminds me of the Junkions, constantly stringing together famous one-liners and transitioning from one parody to the next while providing little to no genuinely original content. Still, I think RCRDX does a swell job of making all of this they're own. It's not half-assing anything here, and the occasional jump in difficulty is far from problematic. Most play a game like this to indulge in their past, and that past has a reputation for being what we now call "Nintendo Hard." Granted, it never reaches that extreme point, though I had my moments where I believed otherwise.

Screenshots like this one initially caused me to hesitate on the purchase.

If you're my age, older, or simply interested in what is arguably the best generation of the industry, then there's really no reason to miss out on this. Yeah, you'll groan at the excessive amount of cheese. Just click through it quickly and enjoy the action, because there's plenty, and it changes enough to keep things fresh. I especially loved revisiting Smash TV, a run and gun that portrays a fairly accurate depiction of the future.

In 1999, toasters and VCRs become the globally-accepted forms of currency,
while television is a strong, thriving medium.

There's twenty achievements (I like having achievements for games like this one), customization for The Player's appearance, display filters to recreate the experience of playing on twenty or so different consoles/handhelds, an arcade of mini-games to unlock characters for free roaming mode, and a fantastic soundtrack of chip music by the talented trio of Freaky DNA, Norrin Radd, and Jake "virt" Kaufman. My favorite tracks include Half Steppin', Nordic Night, Betting Zoo, and Beach Ninjas, but one of the radio stations in-game also provides virt's album FX3, which is free to download. The actual soundtrack itself isn't expensive, either. It's sold as a digital album for under $6 (in U.S. dollars, that is).

Retro City Rampage DX is a mere $10, typically sells for half that during Steam sales, and shows up periodically in Humble Bundles. It has received positive reviews from nearly every reputable game critic, in addition to the scumbag source you're reading now, and provides enjoyment suitable for short and long sessions of play. My only gripe is with its game cards and badges on Steam.

  Just look at this shit!

Fifteen for each one of those six hideous portraits. Fifteen! Did there really need to be two sleeping and two plumber cards? The big head mode emoticons and near-empty profile backgrounds that randomly come with those badges are just as pitiful. If one wishes to show their love for this indie, I highly recommend fan art, instead. Don't let this discourage you from the actual game though.

And with that, my Four in February for the year is complete. Quickly, too. I had enough time to squeeze in a fifth title, Goat Simulator, because I was told to play it.

Goat Simulator is another open world title with little more than a handful of goals to provide the player with any sort of direction. Completing it is really just a matter of actually earning all of its achievements. Doing so will allow you to explore everything Coffee Stain Studios has to offer. There's 106 achievements spanning across all of the DLC, with two-thirds of it attainable through the original and its MMO counterpart. The only one I didn't bother with between the two of them? Flappy Goat, because even I don't hate myself that much.

I guess that constitutes as finishing a fifth game, doesn't it? By the way, Goat Simulator's senseless destruction shtick loses its charm pretty quickly, so I only suggest adding it to your library if you're willing to put in the same effort for those achievements as I did (except for scoring ten points in Flappy Goat). Silly music. Great humor. Lots of goats. It's the total package. Give it a go, why not?

Microwave Goat is best goat.
(and most evil construct)

Four in February: House Hunting

Two awful posts in one day? What sorcery is this?!

Perhaps you've heard about Gone Home. It's a story game, so you barely do anything, except awkwardly move around, because your legs fell asleep during the trip, and now it's up to the player to help this bitch wobble her ass to the nearest bedroom to lie down. Unfortunately, someone has meticulously locked doors in such a way that you must uncover secret passages, snoop through everyone else's "persnal bitness", summon an evil spirit who once owned a candy shop, and listen to music largely forgotten with the turn of the century, in order to reach the best mattress in the house. Why the best? Because you're an entitled piece of shit, just like everyone else.

The painted family portrait. A staple in every privileged household.
(I think my family just used enlarged Polaroid pictures)

This game asks the hard questions, like "Who shot JFK?" Then answers with, "Nobody! Dun dun DUUUUUUUUUN! Conspiracy!" Seriously though, I'm not sure. Kaitlin doesn't know how to open a book and, instead, merely spins it around in midair to read the front and back covers. This is an interesting and historically accurate detail for 1995. It became such a problem that an educational film was produced the very next year to address the issue.

We are forever in your debt, Jon Lovitz.

After three hours of breaking into my sister's locker, staring at mom's underwear, getting stuck in partially opened doors, and watching a rerun of Hangin' with Mr. Cooper, I passed the time by taping over Sam's music collection with recordings of my own farts and the giggling I made while doing so. That's a thing girls do, right? Maybe not anymore, but back then! Oh man! That was... that was... that was the trend. The thing to do. Yep. Ahem. Then, I went to sleep. In the morning, my parents came home and demanded to know why all the lights were on in the house. I told them the trip was fine, sarcastically thanked them for asking, and mentioned how Sam ran away with another girl. There are two endings at this point. This is dependant upon whether you choose to have Kaitlin go back to sleep or get up and make herself something for breakfast. Either way, the player gets to listen in on the parents' phone call to the police about Sam's disappearance during the credits. Since this all occurred in Oregon, all the police had to do was stand outside the ONLY building in the state that sells gas until she pulled up to refuel her Tin Lizzie, or whatever people drove back then. After three weeks of electroshock therapy, Sam was attracted to boys again (and iron). She also learned Thunder Wave and began flying with the help of a levitating manhole cover. 

I highly recommend High School High, Hangin' with Mr. Cooper, and breakfast. If I could remember what I was typing about for this post, I might recommend that, too... especially if I was typing about pugs. I love pugs.

Four in February: The Octopug Parable

I finished my Four in February. Six, if you count this and that. Hopefully, I'll bring myself to type about all of them, and then some, before the end of this month. Four games and four posts before March is the goal, after all. I expect a strong dip in quality from the other entries, but it's not as if I was producing anything of value to begin with, so, lettuce get on with this garbage, shall we?

The Stanley Parable is a Source engine mod by Davey Wreden that was enhanced and added upon to become a standalone purchase on Steam for $15. The entire thing revolves around your choices and how the narrator (British actor Kevan Brighting) responds to them. Also, there's a big ol' basket of Easter eggs (some with Disco music). It can be "beaten" in roughly six minutes, except when Stanley respawns in a different location, then there's the achievement for finishing the game in under 4 minutes and 22 seconds. There are eighteen endings, along with a bonus ending that's really just another Easter egg. For the most part, how one plays doesn't change from person to person. You could get the full experience from watching these two? videos. I would be grateful, however, if you did not. Whether at full price, a Humble Bundle, or through a sale, this intelligent and humourous work of art deserves to be monetarily praised, supported, and encouraged. This is why I am keeping the post brief. It's such a simple story with simple choices that it wouldn't take much to ruin a secret or ending with even a single picture. At best, I'd just show you the same title screen image of a computer or perhaps the room with two doors, and, since everyone else has already done that, there's no reason to add another to Google's image search. Just go and enjoy it.

Ok, so I added this image anyhow, because Sir Barnes the Noble likes pictures. It spoils nothing.

Following that joy was Octodad: Dadliest Catch, a sequel that carries on with controlling a cephalopod out of water who is pretending to be a human being. It's as difficult as it sounds, even with simple chores, like pouring a drink...

...or mowing the lawn.

For the first half of this game, challenges are made out of everyday tasks. It's charming. Comical, even. This is especially obvious with things like bananas peels, water puddles, and other pointless hazards just lying around in unusual places.

Because no wedding chapel is complete without children's drawings and DK decorum.

Then all of that joy turns into frustration as the difficulty spikes in certain parts. As a whole, Octodad isn't too much of a pain, and I haven't noticed a specific area where everyone suffers, though I endured quite a bit at the arcade.

Yeah, fuck these games.

Since the original, character design has improved considerably. The simple, cartoony look is appropriate, though Octodad's wife, Scarlet, gives off a Jimmy Newtron vibe. 

Maybe it's just me.

Their children certainly take after their mother... perhaps too much. You know, I'm not even sure if Octodad is their real father. Again, maybe it's just me.

I was expecting a longer game. Even with my troubles, it only took five hours to complete. I suppose I could go back and try for a few of the achievements, but I really don't want to go through that mess again.

The theme isn't half bad (isn't half good, either), and this goes for all versions of it. With exception to the Captain's Jig and The Backyard, I'm only glad I bought this during the winter sale. I should have listened to the full soundtrack on Youtube before making the purchase, but, again, it wasn't a total waste, and I didn't pay at full. Besides, I can rationalize it out as further supporting creativity in the industry. The development team of Young Horses deserves it.

This was suppose to be the final of my Four in February for 2016. It wasn't expensive, and I love pugs (and every other breed of dog). Yes, a speedy pug would have been a fantastic way to finish up this challenge. That price tag should have clued me in on what to expect, yet it didn't.

Turbo Pug is just a simplified endless runner. Adorable, well-made, and priced right with only two flaws that I feel it possesses: changes in the background might make it difficult to spot the spinning blades of death whose existence, along with that of the floating boxes and bloodied spikes, go without explanation (because why should we give a fuck?) and a lack of depth. For what little music there is, it's fine. If that's a priority for your endless runners, go play BIT.TRIP RUNNER. Great music there! Better gameplay, too. Sorely lacking in pugs though.

As one continues to rush his wrinkly waddler through an obstacle course, pug points will accumulate in the top left corner. Along with the potential for hi-score bragging rights, you'll also unlock additional pugs to choose from in the character select menu.

Impressive, but their diversity pales in comparison to that of goats, as proven by Coffee Stain Studios.

I think a sequel to Turbo Pug is in the works. If so, I hope it provides a more fulfilling experience, or, at least, allows my pug to run left. Unfortunately, because Turbo Pug is endless, it's not actually something a player can beat, so I had to look for another game to finish before the end of February. No problem there.