Not Knowing When to Stop: Fan Edition

Mega Man has been in the states for almost as long as I have and I couldn’t have cared less about his age reaching a number divisible by five. I, however, am among the gaming minority. In celebration of Capcom’s third best-selling franchise, the company cancelled MM Universe and MM Legends 3, stating, “After reading the blog DP aM aRe GooD To Me, we realized that we really needed to stop creating more of the same thing, and, frankly, we’ve run out of good ideas.” Oddly enough, the company still released content for Rockman, such as MM9 and 10, and even produced a few titles for the spin-off franchises, but later claimed both retro sequels to be products of “getting high,” while the other games were justified as “profitable shit.” Focusing upon the Street Fighter anniversary, Capcom had hoped for Mega Man to slowly fade away into obscurity until his inevitable inclusion in the roster of the next Smash Bros game for the Wii U: Super Smash Bros. Rhubarb. If that’s not exciting enough, the sequel will introduce one more big name third-party mascot that some of you may have forgotten over the years. Here’s a hint:

Bubsy, right? Oh hell no!

It’s Achoolade’s own Fot Arblort!

Hey, hey, hey, It’s… ugh!

Unfortunately, a few people (100,000+) didn't care about any of this and demanded more sameness. The result was Capcom’s support for a fan-made game that offered the “unique” premise of having one franchise face off against another. Like bottled water and taking your pants off before going to the bathroom, it’s one those simple ideas you wish you had thought of first. As the story goes, midway into signing a cease and desist order, Tsujimoto realized that Seow Zong Hui was actually doing the company a favor. Capcom was so caught up in celebrating Street Fighter that they had neglected their other major franchise from 1987, Bionic Commando! In a vain attempt to piece together a game using stolen bits from other masterpieces, such as the Captain Tomaday, Rap Jam, and Bible Adventures, Capcom took a step back and realized they had created what scientists would call "utter shit." Not to be discouraged, the company promised Seow could keep his fingers if he took over the project. Two rolls of duct tape later, Bionic Dhalsim was brought into the world. With the help of technology, a starving bald man from India could now stretch his limps to attack the neutral forces of Coolio, Moses, and the produce department of a local grocery store. After a quick moment of silence, Capcom immediately removed three of Seow's fingers and had him start over. The result was Mega Man X Non-Bionic-But-Still-Able-To-Stretch-For-Some-Reason Dhalsim and Gang, though Capcom had the name changed to give Street Fighter top billing (Please note that this is the supposed celebration game for Mega Man’s anniversary, but he isn't even mentioned first in the name). As for the Bionic Commando, an action figure was made in his likeness. Later, an infant choked to death thanks to the extendable arm of that action figure getting lodged in his throat. Happy 25^th anniversary, Bionic Commando!

Street Fighter X Mega Man began with a trailer similar to the title screen of Mega Man 2, until Ryu decided to shoot him off of the roof. In other words, this is what Capcom was already doing to the series, but now we have video proof of it. Your job, as Mega Man (or is it Megaman?) is to take down eight world warriors, half of which are worth caring about, then make your way to M. Bison, or Vega in Japan. Vega, of course, became that female-looking fighter for the US release, and M. Bison’s name was switched with Balrog, because of his likeness to Mike Tyson being a potential issue of infringement. If you manage to score four perfect victories, you will also have a chance at battling Akuma. In all honesty, he’s not that difficult to avoid, but his special ability can kill you in one hit and if you try to use an E. Tank, his health will also return.

Most recommend Ryu first, since he’s the bastard who shot you off the building in the first place. I began with Blanka, because I found him to be the most adorable of the deformed fighters. After you fly down into the middle of the Amazon, you make your way through slugs, flowers, electric eels, and, for some odd reason, falling spin toys that the player can farm for goodies before heading into the last room. This is the underwater stage of the game, and it’s a rather bland one at that. Remember the Hell you went through trying to reach Bubble Man back in 1988? It’s the opposite here. Bubble Man couldn't even muster up the strength to kill Mega Type III Lobstein Man, but Blanka is actually a challenge. This makes up for the fact that the only way you could die on his stage would be if you willingly fell into the bamboo spikes, and, even then, I don’t know if they would actually be sharp enough to pierce through a body made of some futuristic metal alloy that has already been shown to withstand multiple hits from various types of firearms, flying saw blades, laser beams, and, most recently, falling spin toys! He makes cute roar noises, spins and flips around the room, pounds his chest, and electrifies the floor when his power gauge is filled. Successfully defeat the mutant, and you will learn nothing from him. Instead of generating lightning and spinning around the room, your weapon creates melons to either kick at enemies or use as a fruity substitute for Rush Coil. Why can a robot bounce on melons to reach higher areas? I don’t know! I… *begins to cry* just… don’t fucking know.

Next is Ryu, because your M. Buster… fuck you! I chose Rose next, because she looks like NiGHTS in this game.

Apparently, I was spot on with this selection, because Rose is allergic to melons and using them against her will cause a rather lengthy cut scene showcasing a somewhat overly dramatic reaction upon contact. Hives, vomiting, gnashing of teeth, but we’ll discuss that later. When you begin her stage, Rush provides transport across a wide blue screen that I assume is supposed to be the sky. Small patches of white periodically zips on by, and it looks like a darker shade of blue creeps across the lower portion of the screen giving off a vague appearance of roof tops, but I couldn't help but ask myself, “Why not add a bird, a plane, or even a cameo of Air Man on top of a Goblin (Air Tikki)?” This is the type of game one could really have some fun making. When Capcom decided to support Seow’s creation, that right there justifies the demand for more than what was offered. Mega Man lands and continues forward against flying swords, bubble-spewing moron bots, flame wheels, falling coins, and FOOL signs that barely fill this large violet building you’re running through. Once you reach Rose, she’ll begin by teleporting to your location and following that up with a slide attack. Purple, slow-moving projectiles will occasionally be fired, and she might even reflect one of your blasts. Once her power gauge is full, Rose will unleash her Soul Satellite before continuing her basic attacks. They orbit around her and act as temporary shields. As I typed earlier, Rose can be defeated more easily with the help of Blanka’s tropical hazzard. The plan is simple. She teleports to your location and finds a melon where you once were. It’s a body replacement technique that dupes the fortune teller every time! Frustrated (and hungry), Rose surrenders and teaches Mega Man how to use soul satellite in exchange for a few of those melons. Soon after taking her second bite, Rose’s throat closes up and she collapses on the floor. Congratulations, you now have ANOTHER FUCKING LEAF SHIELD! With the soul satellite at your disposal, completely disregard Rolento and face off against Chun-Li, instead.

Chun-li’s stage was meant to look like stereotypical China, but I doubt the country is plagued with that much neon pink. Then again, this is the best place to farm for goodies, so that seems appropriate, but otherwise, there’s not a single thing remotely interesting about her stage. Just run and gun your way towards the door, shooting bots as they continually come at you until your health is full. When you finally decide to enter the last room, you’ll notice that she’s on one side of the screen and you’re on the other. You’ll want to maintain that bit of distance as long as possible. Ryu’s spamball is the most effective weapon for finishing her off, but I wanted to save him for last. Instead, I activated my soul sati… LEAF SHIELD and allowed them to hit her each time she got close to me. This, of course, is not a good idea for when you must fight all the world warriors a second time, but I found it enjoyable to dodge her attacks while staying nearby. Eventually, she’ll slip and hurt her knee, and you’ll have to stand there and watch her inhale sharply through her teeth as she repeatedly whines “Ah!” multiple times. It’s a bit obnoxious, but you’ll probably be bothered more by Urien’s entrance later on when you hear him screaming, “No No No No No Nooooooo!” from above and he slides naked onto the stage while sitting in a bathtub. Frustrated and now limping, Chun-li will forfeit the match and tell Mega Man the secret to her technique before making her way to a candy shop… why not a doctor? I don’t care to know.  The secret, by the way, is “kick REALLY fast”. Remember, it doesn't work unless you capitalize the “really” when you perform the action.

Onto Rolento, you’ll want to make sure you have the appropriate weapon for the match. Unfortunately, Mike Haggar doesn’t appear in this game, so you’re stuck using more leaf shield. Rolento’s stage is construction themed, which includes unstable flooring, plenty of mets to deal with, and a relaxing elevator ride to Rolento’s room. There’s also another relative of the spines (a bot from the original Mega Man game), as well as a grenade-spewing face that likes to be stacked on top of itself. If you want to make things easier, simply use soul satellite throughout most of the stage, and you’ll be able to get by most of it without having to stop. It seems like a silly idea, but if you've never faced Rolento before, then he’ll probably beat you the first time and your weapon will be completely refilled. If you have faced him before, then the soul satellite isn't really necessary. Rolento will constantly move back and forth, either rolling on the floor, making wide leaps, or bouncing on his limited edition Dragon Ball collectible power pole, which he’ll also twirl around as he gets close to you while blades and grenades periodically fall from the sky. It’s definitely an enjoyable battle and worth only using your mega buster for. Rolento’s theme is a nice mash-up of Slash Man and Heat Man which is ruined by his victory celebration if you fail to defeat him. Perhaps it’s just because I don’t appreciate karaoke as much as I probably should, but I find it disturbing to hear his rendition of Prince’s 1985 album Around the World in a Day. This is especially true when he starts singing, “I wear a raspberry beret! The kind you find in a military store….” Defeating him will reward Mega Man with the ability to chuck grenades. It’s like a shitty version of Crash Man’s weapon. While I don’t use them much within the game, I did find them to be of some value against Urien, an unstable clone of Sisqo.


*A slightly better picture than the thrusting pelvis one from the game itself*

Urien, brother of Shyt (who later changed his name to Gill for some odd reason), is the result of strict training, grape Kool-Aid, and genetic modifications. His Ki was blended with the elements of the Earth, which not only explains why his stage involves traveling through a mountain, but also why he can help summon Captain Planet without wearing a ring. In addition to falling platforms, you’ll encounter obnoxious flying orbs with barriers that will reflect your weapon fire. Consider this a prelude to the boss fight. When you reach Urien, he’ll come at you either by charging with Tyrant Slaughter, or he’ll come crashing down crotch-first with what is inaccurately referred to as his Violence “Knee” Drop. Shortly after that, you can expect him to start shooting metallic spheres. Those grenades do little to nothing for any of this shit. They’re only use is for countering his least-performed ability, the Aegis Reflector, which, like those bots you dealt with earlier, will send your weapon fire back at you. The grenades, however, will merely explode upon contact, taking down the shield with it. It’s not a guaranteed victory having this weapon. It’s merely a convenience. If you don’t learn how to avoid Urien’s attacks, you’re going to have a rough time when health is limited and you must face him a second time. Just remember, you’re a futuristic robot fighter and he’s a black man wearing nothing but a banana hammock. There shouldn't be any doubt that you can win this fight.

Taking a break from looking at half-naked men, avoid Dhalsim for now and head on down to face Crimson Viper. Viper is a 30-year-old MILF with a power suit and secret agent training to effectively use it. Some of you might only remember her as that woman who shit all over Guile’s genitals in the Street Fighter Collab. Viper’s weakness is Chun-li’s close-range kick ability, so good luck with that awful fucking weapon. Her stage is a large, purple S.I.N. building with elevators and a laser security system that you must outrun. Fun fact: elevators will kill you if you stand under them. J C. Viper comes straight at you in a manner similar to Urien, or as she calls him, "pee-pee," but does so while wearing clothes. She’ll also use seismic hammer and optic laser, which are only problematic to avoid while trying to use lightning kick against her. These attacks, in addition to her special, which removes a nice chunk of your health when it hits, all give me the impression that it might be better to just learn to rely more upon your mega buster and do your best to maintain a safe distance.

Back to naked men, you now enter a maze world of elephant portraits, flying carpet platforms, and the color of orange. Dhalsim’s stage is one of the few worth caring about. The first time you make your way to the boss, you’ll probably reach a dead end at one point or another, forcing you to fight some rather obnoxious enemies a second time around. The silver lining to all of this is the music by A_Rival who mixes Dhalsim’s theme from the original Street Fighter 2 with that of Snake Man. Dhalsim, as you should know, is a starving pacifist who only wants what’s best for his village, wife, and son, so it's imperative that you kill him with lasers. Actually, kill everything with lasers. Defeat Viper first, take her Cyclops cosplay prop, and laser every half-naked man, woman, and robot that you come across in this game!

Ryu’s stage is a fucking waste of time. Pooping birds, purple samurai warriors, and flaming swordsmen barely amount to any sort of challenge, which goes double for Ryu himself. Jump over or use reflector on his Hadouken fireballs, and slide under his spin kicks. If you've managed to beat the other seven fighters before facing this asshole, then you’ll likely find this battle to be a joke. This is probably because the only difficulty one has ever had with Ryu in the past was the result of the opponent player repeatedly using Hadouken until either the timer ran out or until you actually lost all your health from the chip damage you took while constantly blocking them. Since the CPU doesn't understand how pathetically cheap spamming can be, Ryu ends up being a bigger disappointment than finding out that Zangief was never added to this game at all. It'll get better... maybe.

Now that everyone is defeated (preferably with lasers), you fly over to America to face Balrog. Actually, you don’t really face Balrog. It’s quite the opposite, really. In this special stage, which looks terrific by the way, you goal is to keep a safe distance from the boxer as he continuously dashes towards you with a flurry of punches. If a single one connects, you’re done for. All you have to do is survive until you reach the three falling floor panels. As you make your way across them, immediately slide to grab the energy tank before the stage ends with Balrog falling into the pit. It’s a poor showing for Bison’s main force, but Vega makes up for it in the second stage.

Over in Spain, you will have yourself one Hell of a time climbing past the machines that try to stop you. Your best bet is to just use yoga inferno to clear away enemies without risking being in their line of fire. Once you reach the top, there is really nothing else to worry about until you meet Vega himself. If you can actually hit Vega with it, the lightning kick is not only effective, but it will also remove his claw and mask during the fight. In all likelihood, you will need to use an energy tank to survive, but don’t bother wasting one if you don’t knock out at least half of his life first.

Finally, you make your way to a secret S.I.N. headquarters where you will fight all eight warriors again. Between each fight, make sure to hit the spinning white and black orbs for a health and weapon refill. Bison faces you in a grassy plain under a dark, stormy sky. His moveset is that of the original Street Fighter 2, though I don’t know if he ever learned any new tricks since then. His special attack is, of course, his psycho crusher, but like everything else he does, it is a little too easy to dodge. In fact, for a final boss, he is pretty fucking simple. Wily always had another, more obnoxious form, so why does Bison lie dead on the grass after only being beaten once? The ending is Ryu and Mega Man walking into the sunset. They then stand on the rooftop together, looking out onto the world. Suddenly, Zangief kicks them off the building where they both plummet to their deaths while he dances with Dhalsim, Urien, and Gill to the tune of Macho Man. It's a typical Capcom ending.

As I mentioned before, there is Akuma, but he’s not much better than Bison. In addition to him, there is at least one other decent Easter egg to enjoy: pause the game during any level, hold the jump button, then press up once and down three times to listen to Guile’s theme. You can also remove Mega Man’s helmet by holding the shoot button while highlighting Ryu’s portrait and pressing right three times then left once. I guess that’s something, too.

In 25 years, Mega Man has splintered off into seven sub-series and none of them have been able to recapture the success the Blue Bomber once had. Even when Capcom supported Seow’s idea to combine the company’s second and third best-selling franchises, they really didn't add anything to the project. Some of the boss battles were more enjoyable than the robot masters ever were, but as a whole, the game lacked charisma. The music’s excellent, but it’s just stolen bits from Street Fighter and previous Mega Man games. I think Capcom might finally realize it’s time to stop. For the 120+ games that came out of the series, the only ones anyone seems to really care about are the first three original Mega Man titles, and the first Mega Man X (and my brother really REALLY loves that soccer title for the SNES). I understand that this was a free game, but for about two hours’ worth of entertainment, the 25^th anniversary of Mega Man amounted to that of a free movie ticket. Fans just need to let this go. If something new and interesting (i.e. profitable) comes to mind, I’m sure Capcom will grace us with another Mega Man title for me to write more boring pages about. Unless that time comes, I don’t want to see him again until he is part of the Smash Bros. roster right beside Sonic, Solid Snake, and Fot Arblort.


So, we get this guy, but not Zangief, huh? Figures.