Game Boy Advance Retrospective — Loser’s Picks

Not too long ago, the Game Boy Advance celebrated its 15th anniversary, or should I call it the GBA's 15th birthday? Uh, either way, this only correlates to the release of the thing in North America. By June, Japan, South Korea, and Brazil already had it on their store shelves, so this textual celebration is in honour of GBA's 'Murica birffday, which is, obviously, the most important of the handheld's birffdays, regardless of its actual, original release date! I mean, who really concerns themselves with trivial details like that, amirite? ...probably the same goofs who waste time keeping track of anniversaries that are divisble by five. Typing of which, I went ahead and chose the top five, or, rather, my top five (not already chosen by those at the Damage Control blog) of the GBA line-up, because people either enjoy a good list of somethings that relate to similar interests of their own, or they hate lists primarily because so many other people don't. If it's popular, somebody's going to hate it for being popular. Since this blog is intentionally unpopular, or, at least, intentionally advertised poorly, which, as a result, keeps it unpopular, I have no reason to worry about upsetting folk who might post disparaging comments that would only reiterate personal failings that I've been made aware of since I was a child (thanks, mom and dad), so before I forget what the topic of this blog is about, let's appropriately begin with Mario Luigi and some red guy.

At #5, for no particular reason, Superstar Saga is the first in a series of Mario & Luigi role-playing titles that heavily emphasize a good time over clichéd drama. Centered around a kingdom of beans (yes, beans), Mario and Luigi must retrieve Peach's voice after it is stolen by a bizarre witch and replaced with explosions.

Yes, with Peach's voice in her possession, Cackletta will finally be able to wake up a mystical, wish-granting star of beans and take over the world... of beans. Then, she'll probably take over a few kingdoms representing other foods, like the aforementioned cake.

What else could Cake Land look like, if not a fork?
No, really. Fantastic design there, Irem!

Or maybe she'll just stick to beans and mushrooms (as if the citizens of either are of any greater value).

Doom mustard is yummy, and my life is now a Sonic OC. Got it.

While Paper Mario and Super Mario RPG have their moments, Superstar Saga is bad joke after bad joke, supported by dialogue of similar worth (you will love Fawful), and bundled firmly by amazing gameplay. I enjoyed it so much, I went back and masterfully completed another playthrough using only the starting gear. Expect a wonderful array of minigames, cameos, battle dancing (before Mettaton made it cool), and a solid soundtrack of cheerful renditions of classic SMB tunes tying them together.

#4 predates the fucKonami hashtag... you know, when Konami was a part of the League of Extraordinary Game Developers.

boktai: The Sun is in Your Hand, which I shall capitalize for further use of the title's name, is a vampirish variation of Kojima's Solid brand of stealth with the assistance of sunlight that you must provide by either going outside, or hunching yourself under a strong lamp, like I did, because the common one I used in Florida didn't produce the kind of light I needed to keep my solar gun effectively charged at all times. On the other hand, the Florida sunshine did a fair job of overheating my weapon, so a balance had to be found.

Boktai is an action RPG that rates your completion of each stage through a fairly common grading system ranging from C- to S. As long as your weapon has solar energy stored up, Django could easily sneak around monsters by stunning and running. It's also possible to kill them, but that requires more energy, and your grade is based upon how quickly you finish a stage, in addition to not being seen. Stages eventually lead to bosses, and those bosses are Immortals, except when Django defeats one of them, drags his sorry ass outside, and finishes him off with the Pile Driver.

This setup demands sunlight, and you'll definitely want to be outside (in real life) to ensure that casket doesn't manage to wiggle its way back into the darkness. Then again, perhaps you want a challenge. Things are considerably more difficult when played at night, which is done at the start of a new game when the player is asked to set up the in-game clock and time zone, as many of us have done with Pokemon titles.

With the aid of the Solar Tree, you grow items to fill your inventory. Solar items. It also helps Django find the collectible junk during a New Game + that was missed through your first playthrough. Emblems, lenses, batteries, frames, grenades, life fruit, silver coins, and invisible treasure chests. It's good, simple fun that I wish was on Steam, or maybe I don't. Nowadays, does anyone really want to give Konami money? Especially for a Kojima title? If you come across a used copy of this, however, don't hesitate to pick it, unless it's mine. Get the Hell out of my room!

Moving along with Numbah 3 is Final Fantasy I & II: Dawn of Souls.

Didn't own an NES? Hate Square Enix for their current garbage PC ports? Dawn of Souls sets you up for a horrible disappointment once FF3 is in your possession, but the high you'll get from these two is well worth it, unless you hate random battles, that is. Square didn't cut back on those when they ported these to the GBA, but given FF2's unique leveling system, that might be a boon for those of you who wish to turn your team into a Jack-of-all-trades bunch (and that would be time-consumingly dumb).

"Yes, and now your shit has come to an end!"

Ha-HA! Poop.

Now, mid-2000s you might be asking, "Why am I reading this? Why not just play FF Origins on my Playstation?" Because that's not portable, and, uh... fuck you!

Final Fantasy offers up much needed changes, like removing "ineffective" hits against deceased enemies, MP, rather than a set amount of usage for spells, stronger melee characters, and the ability to save your progress anywhere, instead of only at an inn. Bonus dungeons are unlockable, and bosses from later titles, including Gilgamesh, travel back in time to greet you.

With the sequel, defeating the final boss opens up the Soul of Rebirth content, which makes it possible for everyone to use Minwu, Ricard, and Josef again, complete with their stats and gear from when they... experienced hamburger time in the main storyline. There's also a Scott. *shrugs*

So, your party went to Hell and handled things. What's next? Heaven, of course, and that's where this "light half" of the final boss resides, along with a group of other not-so-heavenly enemies, including Lucifer, the soul of Beelzebub, and a five-headed version of Orochi. I guess Hitler was busy elsewhere trying to sneak into a portable Wolfenstein 3D remake. Still, I appreciate having Josef back on my team, and the addition of Soul of Rebirth only helped me love the story of FF2 more than I already did.

Lastly, beat'em both and unlock soundtracks! I love video game music, and always welcome more of it.

There are now mobile ports of these games available, and that's swell. My taste for the series came from this one, and it's the reason I decided to play through the rest of the single-player main series (at least up to FFX). I kinda wish I had played the GBA port of FFV, but Sir Barnes the Noble appears to have enjoyed it enough for the both of us.

Sigh... Joseph beat me to it. Ok then! For the NEW #3, I'd like to spotlight Zelda's The Minish Cap, because it was/is far superior to that of Capcom's previous efforts with Oracle of Seasons/Ages, and it's not a port of A Link to the Past, which will unfairly make everything better, even when used to help sell a multiplayer-only version of Zelda... or worse.

The Minish Cap provides something of a snack for Zelda fans. It's length pales in comparison to more popular titles in the franchise, and collecting Kinstones and figurines does little to encourage additional playthroughs. Then again, the DS arrived around the same time, and I'm sure Nintendo wanted to drive consumers in that direction, all while knowing that they'll either come back to this or finish it immediately and purchase the new handheld soon after. Everything here was planned with perfection, and, despite a lack of difficulty, few found reasons to genuinely dislike The Minish Cap. Why would they? It's brief, sure, but the experience is colorful, the dungeons and boss fights are well-designed, and the existence of the Minish race actually helps to explain why items are found in patches of grass and under rocks. Ultimately, it's a Zelda title on a Nintendo console that's better than Spirit Tracks. That's really all the reason you need to purchase this.

So, now I've reach the fifth and fina... ahem, the fourth reason to praise the short-lived GBA, and it's one I surprise myself with.

How does one make Mega Man enjoyable again? By visiting a horror attraction, disregarding that entirely, centering the whole thing around a popular IP instead, and cashing in on the second wind of that sweet card craze many of us remember through Yu-Gi-Oh!, Magi Nation, Kingdon Hearts: Chain of Memories, the third season of Digimon, and the Nintendo e-Reader, which I used like a D-Power digivice, even though the end results were new clothes on Animal Crossing and a port of Ice Climber.

Jeri takes Urban Champion far more seriously than it deserves.

Battle Network is an odd addition to the franchise, if only because the storyline belongs in a Saturday morning cartoon series (and it was). Collecting chips and battling with them more than makes up for all of that, however, and every aspect of it is significantly improved upon with the first sequel. The story and characters are still fucking dumb, but the developers managed to string together a vaguely competent excuse to do it all over again, and I'm fine with that.

Had to ruin everything with greed, didn't ya, Capcom?

After Battle Network 2, Capcom released newer iterations in couples similar to Pokemon, along with MM Network Transmission, a platformer RPG that plays like a second-rate traditional Mega Man game, because we always need more traditional Mega Man games, don't we? Most of these consist of numerous recycled assets with slight changes and improvements over the previous sequels, so I only recommend the first two.

And, finally, #5 (the real one) is Metroid Fusion, the FAR BETTER GBA Metroid game!

See, Samus made a second appearance with Zero Mission just two years later, and many shelved Fusion in favor of the SNES-styled recreation of the original. Thing is, the efforts put into Fusion's creation were also necessary to help with the development of Zero Mission. Basically, that one is superior only because it's the result of three amazing Metroid titles. Fusion shines with its own glorious adventure about what happens when one screws with the circle of space life.

And it consumes us all.

Without Metroids to feed on the X parasites, the little buggers are free to infect and mutate everything, including Samus, who had to be surgically removed from her suit and injected with a vaccine made from the baby who sacrificed itself to help Samus defeat Mother Brain in the previous title. As a result, Samus has a sleek new appearance, absorbs X parasites for nourishment, and tolerates the cold worse than I do. Unfortunately, there's the little matter of a sentient Power Suit to deal with, but there's no need to find it. It'll find you.

What I love most about Fusion is the fear of periodically running into this monster.

When SA-X (the popular nickname given to the supercouple of Samus Aran's suit and the X parasite), isn't forcing Samus to take a lengthy detour to reach her intended destination, the SA-X enjoys long jogs across a corridor, hunting down Samus while spamming the Ice Beam. Those moments scared me considerably on my first playthrough. I thought it was refreshing to have something unbeatable chase after my bounty hunter for a change. Normally, everything I come across is content to sit in designated rooms, waiting for me to arrive.

Then, there's the side story of Samus and Adam, the personal computer of her new gunship. It's nothing overly deep and engaging. Their conversations merely add a little more to a series that had been relatively silent throughout the years. Later sequels, I feel, put too much emphasis into developing a backstory, and it turned Ms. Aran into a crying, whiny bitch. Fusion, however, merely added a pinch of it for flavoring, and, more importantly, allowed Samus to retain her dignity, though at the expense of her suit... and original gunship. Moving on.

Despite the limitations, I think I was fortunate with my selection. All five are original games, which is amazing considering the smorgasbord of remakes and ports I could have used: Rock n' Roll Racing, Bubble Bobble, Alien Hominid, the Atari Anniversary collection, the Namco Museum collection, Breath of Fire 1 and 2, Final Fight, Strider, Disney's Magical Quest, all three Donkey Kong Country titles, Earthworm Jim (GROOVY!), Final Fantasy 5, 6, Tactics, and that shitty one about Cecil...

...Wolfenstein 3D, Super Dodge Ball, River City Ransom, Super Ghouls 'n Ghosts, and everything relating to Mario, because Nintendo does that with practically every console and handheld they create. They stuff it with Mario. Lots of Mario. Mario Mario. Want some Mario? Here's some Mario! Hey, is this your Mario? No, I've got my own Mario, thanks.

The Game Boy Advance lasted three years before the Nintendo DS arrived to take over. In just three years, the handheld amassed a library of over 1000 games. I don't see any reason for Nintendo to actually care about this milestone for their 32-bit marvel, but it wouldn't hurt for them to consider developing another whimsical sequel for the Advance Wars series. I miss Andy, Sami, and Max, along with the Black Hole Army. I don't want Days of Ruin 2. Too edgy for me.