Necromancing my Library 3: Robowarrior

Robowarrior, or Bomber King in Japan, is a spin-off of Hudson Soft’s popular Bomberman series. I consider the use of “King” as being a bit pretentious, but the cyborg can survive a single blast from its own explosives, which is still one more than Bomberman could endure back in the 80s. Sunsoft released a sequel called Blaster Master Jr. that, again, is a title worth more than the game deserves. It was brought to the states by Jaleco, a company best known for the Bases Loaded franchise, but I'll always remember them because of this:

Watch out, we got a couple of bad asses over here!

As the story goes, overpopulation of our planet has resulted in the need for scientists to create a new world for future generations to live upon. The antagonist is the Xantho empire, an alien race from another dimension, led by Xur (A The Last Starfighter reference, I'm assuming) that takes control of the man-made planet called Altile and changes the climate to suit their own needs. Meanwhile, the former inhabitants now hide underground in fear. In response, Earth sends a single Gort look-a-like to handle the matter, because all the other cyborgs resembling robots from old films were dismantled once worldwide peace had been obtained. No worries! This is the strongest robot warrior ever created… I think, which is why he was given the most colorful laser gun Toys "R" Us had to offer and sent into space riding a ship whose design appears to be loosely based upon the Millennium Falcon, which was inspired by a hamburger.

Basically, the story here is something any fan of sci-fi could have written during the commercial breaks of a Battlestar Galactica episode.

You control ZED, an acronym for Z-type Earth Defense, but since this is the American-given name, I’m going to make a wild guess and believe that it was inspired by David Zed, which none of you reading this may know is a mime from the 70s whose shtick was to get on stage and act like a cyborg. In 1980, he was also recognized for his song R.O.B.O.T. at the Sanremo Music Festival. 

ZED is dropped off in a cleared area surrounded by a forest that seems to be unaffected by the climate change and is welcomed by the survivors with a couple of goodies sprawled out on the ground. You won’t meet any of these people, because no one in their right state of mind would stand around a monster-infested area waiting for a guy whose idea of a greeting includes gunfire, explosions, and, worst of all, a pie plate salad he made during the trip.

No thank you. I already had a big helping of Scrapple right before you arrived.

Once you leave the screen, you have a significantly smaller bit of room and enemies will start flying across the screen to help chip away what little amount of health you are provided.

“…but Jerod (probably pronounced as “Jer-ROD” just to spite me), I’ve played Bomberman before, and it’s only the first level, so why should I read anything you have to type about the matter?”

First of all, no one reads this blog, so that question is moot. Second, the game forcibly causes ZED to move backwards a space whenever a bomb is planted, and you’re given minimal time to escape the blast. That smooth, bomb-dropping movement fans are accustomed to from the original series is removed. I don’t recommend ever using more than one bomb at a time unless ZED is properly shielded. Without recharging his batteries, two hits from his own weapon will end the game, and the explosion doesn’t appropriately blow the body to bits, either. Instead, it causes ZED to fall flat on the dirt while an annoying tune plays you off to the title screen. I can only hope you enjoy that piece of music more than I did. You’ll hear it quite a few times.

That's it? No boom?

The enemies you face don’t seem to follow any particular theme.

These are all the basic enemies throughout the game.

This may seem odd at first, but imagine if our planet invaded another and we released an assortment of dangerous beings to infest their ecosystem. Sharks, mosquitoes, honey badgers, airborne viruses, anyone from Japan, tree frogs, non-tree frogs, tree frogs that feel like non-tree frogs in tree frog bodies, tapeworms, lions, tigers, bears, Bronies, seals, salamanders, penguins, jellyfish, candles, vultures, elephants, snails, gorillas, protozoa, lawyers, owls, snowmen, platypuses, paper airplanes, Raggedy Ann, cats, bats, rats, the cast of All That, spiders, lemurs, boars, waffles, hawks, bass, Necco Wafers, Ford Pintos, and, if we have the technology to cross dimensions, then we probably have the ability to mass produce ZEDs that might actually be able to fight… or, at least, be turned into walking bombs offering hugs to the locals while being set to explode at the push of a shiny red button with a smiley face on it.

"Don't run! We are your friends!"

Since no one cares that a plant can feel pain, ZED’s strategy is to clear his own path through the trees, leaving a trail of craters in his wake. In retaliation, some of the alien wildlife will fire at your fragile fighter from all directions, regardless of what’s between you and them, while the more dangerous enemies, the tanks and dittos, will wait patiently for you to reach them before launching missiles and turning into flying balls of fire. Your energy might be slowly diminishing as you try to find the exit, but these creatures are your main concern, so remember that.

Leading this bunch are seven bosses, three of whom are pretty much the same thing.

Another wonderful example of the "Recurring Boss Template" Trope

They can be defeated using only your basic weapon, and it’s a fine idea for the first one, Globula the giant blue blob of gaming unoriginality, but this tactic takes a while and will burn through your precious “extra” supply when used later against the other six.

A blue slime! Rarely see one of those in a video game.

Bombs are only an effective tool if you can avoid hurting yourself in the process, and everything else in your arsenal is limited to what you've collected. Here is why creatures take priority over reaching the end of each stage. With exception to the few left for him at the landing zone, all your power-ups will be hidden randomly under various breakable objects and scattered about in pitch black tunnels that ZED must also uncover. Since the key is always located in the same spot of each period, it’s tempting to head straight for it and move on to the next level, but I strongly advise against this. A similar situation presents itself in Super Mario Bros. 3. Two of the three warp whistles can be found very early in the game, but using them to quickly reach the final world will leave Mario grossly unprepared for the final stages leading up to Koopa’s castle. In both games, it’s better to collect a bunch of power-ups early in the game before heading into darker territory.

When ZED inevitably falls, continuing will merely result in restarting the period without your points. You get to keep all the junk collected, but, believe it or not, those points do serve a purpose in this game. The higher your score, the less damage you take. Still, after getting defeated a dozen times, I had a nice supply of stuff in my inventory, made better by a secret within the stage that not only cleared the screen of enemies, but also doubled the amount of most of the items I had. In moments like that one, it felt like Hudson realized how this was going to play out for a first-timer and provided that treat as a reward for not giving up and smashing the cartridge into multiple choke hazards. On the other hand, to access the bonus, one had to know to bomb the same bit of wall five times and then stand in the water. Some quickly learn at the start of period 1-1 that ZED doesn’t swim, so while it seems suspicious that a square of water is surrounded by a rock wall in the middle of the area, most are not going to think to use at least five bombs at each part of the wall to find the right one to get inside. There are other spots like this one, as well as bonus rooms, but this game isn't really  that much fun to explore. Thankfully, we now have walkthroughs! Wonderful, glorious walkthroughs!

Thank you, Strategywiki!

Taking this a step further, using a walkthrough makes Robowarrior a significantly better game to play. The real fun and challenge lies in trying to survive. Back in the 80s, this felt more like an Easter egg hunt with only one egg and you had to search an entire neighborhood to find it. Making a game “Nintendo hard” isn’t necessarily a bad thing. It worked well with Contra and Ghosts’n Goblins. The problem with Robowarrior was that its developers based their work around the phrase “finding a needle in a haystack” and thought that was a good idea. Again, just use a walkthrough. It’ll allow you to skip all the stupid searching bullshit that no one enjoyed and focus upon keeping your cyborg from getting killed. Actually, just go play a real Bomberman game, instead. It’s pretty much the same thing at that point.

I should hide my blog under a cardboard box.

The concept of stealth isn't new to video games, though most never really cared about them until Metal Gear Solid. Back in ’81, Castle Wolfenstein had the player locating secret plans of the Nazis while attempting to avoid combat by wearing an enemy’s uniform, and a sequel to this was provided three years later, but the series became popular when Id Software launched Wolfenstein 3D in ’92 and allowed gamers the chance to gun down Hitler’s army of soldiers, dogs, and mutants (like Grösse Gretel) from a first-person perspective. Within that period, the original Metal Gear and its legitimate sequel were released, providing a strong foundation for the genre’s future, as we've witnessed over the years with Splinter Cell, Sly Cooper, Assassin’s Creed, and, of course, Toy Story for the SNES:

The restaurant of stage nine must be owned by Peter Pepper.

Food is constantly falling to the ground, and there are tiny shoe prints all over it.

I’m not really a fan of the stealth genre. One of the issues I've had with it involves the slower pace. Even when I've learned where to go and what to do, I’m still required to show some restraint to avoid detection. It’s a similar feeling I get while waiting for those platforms moving tardily in hop-and-bop and run-and-gun games: you’re on the move, everything is going smoothly, and then you’re experience is brought to a dead halt as you wait for something to pass by so that you are able to continue. Playing Metal Gear for the first time made matters worse with the constant need of the transceiver. Where to proceed, how to fight an opponent, what to get, and where to get it are all vital bits of intel, but then there’s the other garbage, like when you contact Big Boss and he responds with, “Land mine? You need to know how to use them! Over.” It’s like the NPCs in an adventure or role-playing game that not only have nothing of value to offer you, but also won’t direct you to somebody who does. Metal Gear 2 does a better job of assisting the player by recommending a specialist to contact during a particular event, which is much more appreciated than having Steve tell me to stop pestering Diane while she’s out shopping, instead of helping me figure out how to deal with a terrorist organization able to wipe out the planet with a nuclear-armed ED 209.

My other gripe with the stealth genre has to do with the figuratively brain-dead enemies. Developers want the player to be able to create an effective strategy, but the problem here is that the typical plot revolves around the belief that the organization you are infiltrating is too dangerous or crafty to merely attack head-on. I’m not up against Bowser and his squishable army of anthropomorphic turtles. I’m supposed to be surrounded by well-trained, elite soldiers with the occasional high-end mercenary or experiment gone wrong to survive against. One can forgive Metal Gear for its lack of artificial intelligence simply because of the game’s age, but, 10 years later, tunnel vision shouldn't still be such a prominent factor for exploitation. Why would a guard put in no real effort to investigate a huge fucking hole in the wall that was clearly made by an explosion heard just a minute ago? There are puddles of blood on the ground, and corpses have mutated into boxes of ammo and cans of Soylent Green. Shouldn't somebody be radioed about this? I hope the latest generation of stealth games has a more believable A.I. to contend with. If, nowadays, I can still manage to avoid detection by remaining stationary with a bucket over my head, then, clearly, I have no reason to be cautious around these enemies.

Putting aside ignorant statements about a topic I know little about, I would now like to focus my ever-diminishing attention towards Metal Gear itself.

"When you're done spouting your nonsense, I have a few things to say myself."

Back in the 8-bit era (or third generation), Konami was a particularly strong gaming company. While most were either trying to recreate the success of Portopia, The Legend of Zelda, and Dragon Quest, Konami had built up a reputation for releasing titles of a much higher standard. Then again, they are also responsible for Simon’s Quest.

Misinformation, lack of information, and ill-timed slowdown mixed with tricky jumping are among the reasons to believe the purpose of this sequel was simply to piss off the player.

The franchise is, I think, the second most profitable among Konami’s library (underneath Winning Eleven), and it’s not just because Metal Gear was the main inspiration for stealth gameplay. It offered a rather large variety of tools, a well-designed location (instead of a collection of multi-themed stages or wide areas of practically nothing), effective hit detection, and an in-game plot with real personality. It was another shining example of Konami-brand quality. Typing of quality, here's an idiot version of a Let's Play / Walkthrough of Metal Gear that actually has nothing to do with quality at all.

It all begins with Snake swimming up to Outer Heaven, armed with only a pack of waterproof cigarettes. I guess a knife or something wasn't necessary, since no one felt the need to actually guard the entrance to the main hangar. As you walk inside, Big Boss finally decides to tell you why you just snuck into the building. One of the changes in the NES version actually makes more sense, because Snake is given instructions before entering the base. The image I had was of Snake just standing there, dripping water all over the floor, while trying to figure out what the heck he was supposed to be doing. Once you understand your mission, you make your way through the place, quickly realizing that all the doors are locked. On the other hand, there are a trio of trucks parked in the middle of the yard and another group of them further inside the building. You find a bit of health, weapons, some worthless binoculars, a keycard, and are met by an alert group of enemies that you will have to either face or flee from. In fact, all the basic information you need for this game is provided just from reaching and exploring these six vehicles. After that, Snake can either backtrack to try out his new keycard or make his way into that elevator. It’s more of that wonderful Metroidvania I wasn't fond of when I played Rygar. Even if the player chooses to go to the elevator and visit the third floor, he will be forced to return, because Snake will die shortly after entering the gas room without the mask. With keycard in hand, you enter a small room with a single sleep-feeling guard protecting a gas mask sitting on the corner table. There is no one watching the wide open entrance, but here is Snoozing Stan keeping a closed eye on a single piece of equipment. Simply punch Stan to death, retrieve the mask, and head back to the third floor. If you hadn't already, Snake will come across a P.O.W. just before entering the gas room. These prisoners will provide you with bits of information and help raise Snake’s rank, which is measured in precious gold star stickers. The more precious gold star stickers Snake has, the more equipment he can carry. It’s necessary for Snake to have four stars by the time he reaches Metal Gear in order to beat the game. With five precious gold star stickers, Snake will have first pick of the toys in the classroom during play time, and will have a smiley face pinned to his shirt to take back to the base to show Big Boss.

After you unlock the door and enter the room, Big Boss will tell you to put on the mask. It is here I found my second complaint about the game. For some odd reason, Snake cannot wear a gas mask AND carry a keycard at the same time. What’s worse is that he will breathe in the poison while I am trying to figure out which card to use. This isn't a problem early on, but when I’m walking around with eight cards and am trying to figure out which one opens what, being stuck in one of those rooms will drain my life bar rapidly.

After leaving that death trap, Snake will have to re-equip the keycard to unlock a door leading to another P.O.W. While avoiding a few more guards, the player will enter a room with plastic explosives being protected by a giant... metallic... rolling pin?

I don’t know! I’m just a fucking toy!

Ok, so, um, avoid the rolling pin and you’ll eventually find a room with an electrified floor that you, obviously, don’t want to walk across. Fortunately, there is another small room off to the side with the second keycard sitting on a table. There’s not even a sleeping guard watching over this thing! Start backtracking (because that’s the most funnest fucking thing to do in a video game!), and use the card on every door you couldn't open before. You’re going to repeat this process with another six cards, so get used to it. Eventually, Snake will find rations and some handy dandy remote-controlled missiles, one of which can be directed towards the control panel of that electric floor. From there, it’s more exploration, which pays off in the forms of another P.O.W. to rescue, a grenade launcher, a silencer (if you kill the four guards that suddenly attack), and that iconic, life-saving cardboard box that has allowed numerous geeks to cosplay Metal Gear without the need to spend time, money, and effort on a real outfit. You can also sneak around the second floor, saving another person and collecting some ammo, but without the third keycard, it’s just a waste of time. Normally, a player wouldn't realize this until after he has been there himself. Instead, head back down to the first floor, rescue two more captives, and pick up the sub machine gun before getting captured and sent to a holding cell down in the basement. Hulk smash through one of the walls, cause you’re Solid fucking Snake, and rescue Grey Fox. You’ll get some information on Metal Gear and its creator before moving on to meet with your first boss.

ShotMaker, Shoot Gunner, ShotGunner… it seems like no one at Konami/Ultra could come to a decision as to what to call this guy, which is asinine for such a minor character. He is the first of a long list of disappointing boss battles, a trend that continues through the second game with villains like Running Man, a guy who runs in a circle while you both suffocate in a room filling with gas, and Red Blaster, a nut-job who tries to slow you down with string that Snake never bothers to even break, because it’s easier to stand still and throw grenades at him until he dies. Disregard the fact that ShitTaker even exists and kick open one of the doors to regain all your stuff. I find this to be an interesting bit of added effort with the inclusion of the transmitter in the sack. If the player doesn’t remove the device, guards will continue to come after you, kinda like having the Enemy Lure, except you’re not getting a damned bit of exp from these guys, so toss that shit out and head back in to take on the boss. CakeBaker only moves left and right spraying pepper at you as if you were Mr. Egg or Mr. Hot Dog. Stand off to the side and kill him with RC missiles. That’s it. A tidbit of information that is slightly more interesting than this fight: Mr. Hot Dog later moved on from video games to appear in a terrible anime under the name “Hot Doggone-It.” He still would have made for a better boss.

Move along to the next room and use plastic explosives on all of the walls in order to pick up a uniform that was hidden for no explainable reason and a funny-looking bomb blast suit:

Hey, if you want to finish this game, you’ll wear that thing and like it!

Make sure to re-equip your gun before heading back to the elevator. I wasted a plastic explosive on a guard dog by mistake, and the image of one of Gallagher’s watermelons crossed my mind suddenly.

At this point, you should also have obtained the third keycard, so head to the second floor now, under your box, and make your way to either the ammunition or through the door to find another giant, metal rolling pin. Prior to finding the second rolling pin, I discovered that if a guard walked past me while I was under the box, I would continuously take damage until he was gone. Unless the guard just likes to repeatedly punch and kick crates and other cargo as he moves around a room, I can’t find a suitable excuse for why Snake is being hurt by someone who is unaware of his presence.

Moving past the rolling pin, Snake’s only option is to head south. You can pick up some goggles and a P.O.W. before facing Machinegun Kid. He’s pretty much the same fucking boss as SlopFlinger: moves left and right while firing at Snake until four RC missiles end his pitiful existence. With that, you can now obtain the parachute and head to the roof where you’ll find more of the same garbage, obtain a mine detector, and battle with the Hind D. I have no problem with this. I do, however, wonder about Twin Shot. It’s as if Snake somehow managed to convince these two that they’d have a better chance of beating him if they fought outside the helicopter. Well played, Snake. Well played.

Make sure to equip the parachute, or you’ll plummet to your doom like I did, feeding the dogs below that weren't crushed to death by Snake’s body. The parachute was replaced with an iron glove in the NES version, since Snake and three nobodies had already parachuted into the jungle at the beginning. When shown alongside the other items, the glove seems like it was taken out of some other game.

It doesn’t have any real purpose, either, but if you’re going to punch enemies to death, why not do it with a hunk of metal wrapped around your fist?

When you land, use the mine detector to enter the right truck and grab the fourth keycard. There are a few moments in this game that are worth hating, and that left truck is one of them. Hop in and you get sent back to the beginning, which will force you to go back up to the roof and parachute down again if you didn't grab the keycard first. Obviously, you’ll use this card to get out of the yard, and you’ll find another prisoner with some information to share. Go up, go right, and go out into the desert to find more landmines and a pair of trucks. The one on the right will send you back to the courtyard, and if you enter that truck again, for whatever reason, you’ll go back to the start. The other truck has more plastic explosives. Whoop-dee-doo! Just equip your mine detector and head north. Stock up on rations at the next truck, because further ahead is another boss: a tank. I’m surprised there is only one to deal with in this entire game. As any player will notice, these people are in no short supply of tanks. It's the only truly challenging boss Snake will encounter, and Outer Heaven is too cheap to afford sending a second your way. You need to drop mines close enough to the choke point for the tank to stupidly run over, but you can’t get too close or it’ll stupidly run over Snake, instead. Once that’s done, you go up, put on the uniform (because Big Boss tells you to), and enter without anyone asking questions. Too bad this deception won’t work on anyone else. I found that out when I tried to walk on by and was greeted with the usual gunfire and reinforcements. Eventually, you’ll walk into a narrow room and find yourself face to face with a bulldozer referred to as “bulldozer”. All you do is fire grenades at it until the thing explodes. I died a few times, and fled the room a few more because I couldn't get eight hits fast enough. Infrared goggles will help Snake avoid the lasers in the next room, but you’re just going up into the elevator, so it doesn’t matter. Up on the rooftop, click click boom! Save a guy, grab a card, and run straight through. Yep, it’s a song and dance, as Snake is immediately placed into alert mode and has to run through a gauntlet in order to reach the elevator that will help him get to the first floor of the basement. From there, you kill some dogs, move around another gas-filled area, and blow up more walls. Be glad that gas isn't combustible or we’d be seeing the ending a bit prematurely. Among the goodies, you’ll finally meet with Dr. Madnar tied to a chair, muttering something about a trap. Nothing suspicious there, but, coincidentally, the floor opens up after he tells you that he’s a fake and the real one… blah blah blah. He falls and dies. Those pits, by the way, are more forgiving in this game. In the sequel, even up to the very end while you are waiting for your helicopter to arrive, there’s a pit trap waiting for Snake to step on, and once he does, there is no brief moment to back off. It’s anticlimactic and just plain irritating, but that’s for a later mission. All a person needs to know for now is that if the trap has already been activated, just touching the edge will cause Snake to twirl around and fall dead. From that room, Snake moves left, grabs a new card, and then uses it to face off against another poorly-named boss who fights in practically the same pattern as Machinegun Kid and Shoot Gunner: Fire Trooper.

Am I the only one who thinks he resembles some other character?

Like eating a handful of jelly beans, then biting down into a black one, or like punching a kid in the face and then scrapping your knuckles on his teeth, the boss fights are fun-killing moments in an otherwise wonderful experience.

Back at the first floor, Snake needs to grab a flashlight from a specific room. This might seem like a demeaning task for a special ops soldier, but it isn't much of a surprise to older gamers, since many RPG and adventure titles at the time included some sort of light source item for dark rooms or caves. There’s also the matter of Snake’s HM learnset only allowing for Strength, Rock Smash, and Fly, which is bullshit IMO. Anyway, with this marvelous piece of technology, Snake will now be able to safely traverse a dark hallway full of those obnoxious floor traps and stun neon-coloured ghosts so that he can effectively suck them up in the Poltergust that you will find later on when you reach Boo Woods. There's also an antenna to pick up in one of the other rooms, which will allow for transmissions to pass through the jamming signal. Make sure you don't forget that.

Head to the second floor of building two and you’ll be greeted by an alert guard. Fight your way south and make a right between two rows of crates. Here, you will find the Arnold, or Bloody Brad, cyberoids. I guess it’s a boss fight, but the music never changes, and neither attacks you unless you get directly in their line of sight. Again, another shitty boss, but everything you have won’t even cause one of them to flinch, so it’s best to keep moving right. Go up, save another helpless idiot, and he’ll tell you Jennifer’s frequency. After that, head to the other side of the room to find nothing but a table behind the second door. If you walk out and contact Jennifer, a rocket launcher will suddenly appear in the room you just left. How?

It’s magic! Kojima ain't gotta explain shit!

Head back to the room with Arnold and snake past the bottom one to rescue Drago, who will refuse to be of any help until he knows his daughter Ellen is safe. Also, there's ammo. Head back to take care of the Bloody Brad duo using the rocket launcher four times on each. Alternately, you can give them a couple of Turbo-Man action figures and they’ll just pretend to not notice, but regardless of how you proceed, Snake will need to collect the seventh keycard. Go north to pick up the bottle conveniently labeled as “antidote” and then head back to unlock the next door in the Arnold area. From there, you'll meet a few more guards who watch over a locked room that none of your keys will open. This will require Jennifer’s assistance again. Grab the compass and make your way back once more to enter the fourth room from where you met the cybernoids. Rescue another P.O.W. and maneuver past more guards in order to reach a room that includes both a floor trap and another metallic rolling pin trying to prevent Snake from reaching the elevator. Go back down to the first floor basement, shoot both guard dogs (or waste plastic explosives on them like I did), and head back into that gas-filled maze where you met the fake doctor. Along the way, you’ll be able to pick up some rations from a safe room, but since this requires going in and out of the gas, and because Snake isn't bright enough to keep the mask on as he opens the door, stocking up needs to be done as quickly as possible to minimize the health loss. Blow away one wall and hug the other to avoid a floor trap. Grab the ammo found just before opening the next door, and equip the flashlight. Tread lightly, because this whole area is full of floor traps. Once you've activated each one to get an idea of where they are, leave the room to reset them, and then hurry across the hall to avoid falling to your death. Shoot a bunch of dogs and be careful of yet another floor trap as you use a plastic explosive to create an opening into Ellen’s cell. With her safe, Drago will tell you where to find Metal Gear and how to defeat him (blow up its legs). Go back to where you found that all-powerful flashlight and head through the northern door leading out to a desert filled with red scorpions.

At least they’re not the Ultramarines.

As you trek across the desert, make sure to have your compass on you. Once you reach building three, equip the antidote to nullify the poison. Big Boss will call to tell you to enter one of the trucks, but doing so will send you back to the beginning. You’re better off going into the building and clearing away the guards inside. Again, Big Boss will instruct you on where to go, and, again, it will lead Snake in the wrong direction. Tell him to go fuck himself and make your own doorway. Watch out for the floor traps leading to the elevator. Here, Snake will go down 100 floors to where the Metal Gear is kept, but without the last keycard, there isn't much Snake can do to reach it at this point in the game. Jennifer will contact you and mention a hidden room with an oxygen tank in it to help Snake breathe underwater. More backtracking, yay! Remember that area with the water Snake had to swim through to get the flashlight? Of course you do! Now, with this item, Snake can swim in those dark spots and make his way to the next boss, Coward Duck.

Dirty Duck shields himself with three prisoners and a floor trap while he throws boomerangs at Snake. If you kill any of them, your rank will drop. Kill the one who is Jennifer’s brother and… well, I guess it doesn’t matter. Without the best rank, you won’t be able to carry enough explosives to defeat Metal Gear anyhow, so all three must survive the battle. If you have plenty of rations, disregard the damage being taken and position yourself so that you can shoot Filthy Dick without the fear of hitting a P.O.W. and collect the final keycard. You’ll also be provided with a piece of information worth remembering: climb the left ladder.

Fill up on ammunition and rations before heading back to building three. Here, you’ll now be able to rescue one more person who will reveal the leader of Outer Heaven. As Snake heads for the tank, Big Boss will contact him one last time, ordering Snake to abort the mission and turn off the MSX. Back in 1987, breaking the fourth wall like that was pretty damn clever. I can’t recall an earlier game to use this technique, though, in ’88 and ’89, Altered Beast and Golden Axe rewarded players with a pair of metafictional endings that portrayed one as being a movie while the other had the characters bursting out of the arcade cabinet and running amok in the real world.

Let’s go to the old mill! Get some cider!

Once you've realized that you've been duped, turn your MSX, NES, PS, or PC back on and continue towards Metal Gear. Make sure you are full on plastic explosives and bomb the thing’s feet in this order: R, R, L, R, L, L, R, L, L, R, R, L, R, L, R, and R. In the NES version, this machine is replace by a super computer, and you can place bombs on it wherever you want. Initially, I figured it was some Decepticon trick and the tank was merely trying to hide itself in its altmode. Unfortunately, it was just that the NES lacked the ability to reproduce the sprite. Looking back at some of the arcade games that were ported to the Famicom around that time and noticing the downgrade in visuals each one received from the transition, I’d say this was one of the only wise decisions made by Ultra, even if no one will agree with me.

After the tank explodes, a self-destruct sequence will begin. As you enter the next room, you’ll face your final opponent:

Big Boss himself!

Shoot him with RC missiles, smoke a cig, then head into the final room where you’ll find three ladders to climb. You should know which one to use. As Snake leaves the compound, players will bear witness to the usual ending found in a Konami game back in the 80s.

And down it goes!

In the MSX version, Big Boss will contact Snake one last time to let him know that they’ll meet again soon.

Despite the changes that fans of the series will shit upon, the NES version of Metal Gear was still a big success in America, and if it wasn't for Snake’s Revenge, Kojima probably wouldn't have been as motivated as he was to create a true sequel for the franchise. I've never played Snake’s Revenge, but, from what I have researched, it has to do with Snake’s realization that he left his flashlight back at Outer Heaven. Having lost it in the explosion, Snake swears to avenge its death by taking down some other terrorist group building a new Metal Gear that just so happens to include Big Boss.

Flashlight (1987 – 1987)

With Metal Gear 2: Solid Snake, nearly every aspect from the first game was improved upon, but I feel that several parts of the game are not explained all that well. I found myself constantly asking, “How could someone beat this without a strategy guild?” I can think of two options. The first involves trial and error backtracking. Eventually, the player will activate the hidden triggers by visiting every single place over and over again. The second involves contacting everyone at every screen, hoping to get some sort of clue as to where to go and what to do next. Neither seem all that appealing to me. I mean, I remember the NES days where I drew maps and kept notes of what I saw and read in certain video games. They may be fond memories for some other 30-year-old loser, but I hope to never go back to doing that. As for my overall opinion of Metal Gear… shit! It’s a fucking masterpiece! Dorks like myself can poke fun at it all we want, but the fact of the matter is that this reached a level of quality that VERY few other games had back then. I can’t wait until I have the opportunity to play MGS, though I’m fairly certain most of the funny has already been wrung out of that series by Newgrounds.

Well, I guess that's one way to tell me my blog was too long.

Not Knowing When to Stop: Fan Edition

Mega Man has been in the states for almost as long as I have and I couldn’t have cared less about his age reaching a number divisible by five. I, however, am among the gaming minority. In celebration of Capcom’s third best-selling franchise, the company cancelled MM Universe and MM Legends 3, stating, “After reading the blog DP aM aRe GooD To Me, we realized that we really needed to stop creating more of the same thing, and, frankly, we’ve run out of good ideas.” Oddly enough, the company still released content for Rockman, such as MM9 and 10, and even produced a few titles for the spin-off franchises, but later claimed both retro sequels to be products of “getting high,” while the other games were justified as “profitable shit.” Focusing upon the Street Fighter anniversary, Capcom had hoped for Mega Man to slowly fade away into obscurity until his inevitable inclusion in the roster of the next Smash Bros game for the Wii U: Super Smash Bros. Rhubarb. If that’s not exciting enough, the sequel will introduce one more big name third-party mascot that some of you may have forgotten over the years. Here’s a hint:

Bubsy, right? Oh hell no!

It’s Achoolade’s own Fot Arblort!

Hey, hey, hey, It’s… ugh!

Unfortunately, a few people (100,000+) didn't care about any of this and demanded more sameness. The result was Capcom’s support for a fan-made game that offered the “unique” premise of having one franchise face off against another. Like bottled water and taking your pants off before going to the bathroom, it’s one those simple ideas you wish you had thought of first. As the story goes, midway into signing a cease and desist order, Tsujimoto realized that Seow Zong Hui was actually doing the company a favor. Capcom was so caught up in celebrating Street Fighter that they had neglected their other major franchise from 1987, Bionic Commando! In a vain attempt to piece together a game using stolen bits from other masterpieces, such as the Captain Tomaday, Rap Jam, and Bible Adventures, Capcom took a step back and realized they had created what scientists would call "utter shit." Not to be discouraged, the company promised Seow could keep his fingers if he took over the project. Two rolls of duct tape later, Bionic Dhalsim was brought into the world. With the help of technology, a starving bald man from India could now stretch his limps to attack the neutral forces of Coolio, Moses, and the produce department of a local grocery store. After a quick moment of silence, Capcom immediately removed three of Seow's fingers and had him start over. The result was Mega Man X Non-Bionic-But-Still-Able-To-Stretch-For-Some-Reason Dhalsim and Gang, though Capcom had the name changed to give Street Fighter top billing (Please note that this is the supposed celebration game for Mega Man’s anniversary, but he isn't even mentioned first in the name). As for the Bionic Commando, an action figure was made in his likeness. Later, an infant choked to death thanks to the extendable arm of that action figure getting lodged in his throat. Happy 25^th anniversary, Bionic Commando!

Street Fighter X Mega Man began with a trailer similar to the title screen of Mega Man 2, until Ryu decided to shoot him off of the roof. In other words, this is what Capcom was already doing to the series, but now we have video proof of it. Your job, as Mega Man (or is it Megaman?) is to take down eight world warriors, half of which are worth caring about, then make your way to M. Bison, or Vega in Japan. Vega, of course, became that female-looking fighter for the US release, and M. Bison’s name was switched with Balrog, because of his likeness to Mike Tyson being a potential issue of infringement. If you manage to score four perfect victories, you will also have a chance at battling Akuma. In all honesty, he’s not that difficult to avoid, but his special ability can kill you in one hit and if you try to use an E. Tank, his health will also return.

Most recommend Ryu first, since he’s the bastard who shot you off the building in the first place. I began with Blanka, because I found him to be the most adorable of the deformed fighters. After you fly down into the middle of the Amazon, you make your way through slugs, flowers, electric eels, and, for some odd reason, falling spin toys that the player can farm for goodies before heading into the last room. This is the underwater stage of the game, and it’s a rather bland one at that. Remember the Hell you went through trying to reach Bubble Man back in 1988? It’s the opposite here. Bubble Man couldn't even muster up the strength to kill Mega Type III Lobstein Man, but Blanka is actually a challenge. This makes up for the fact that the only way you could die on his stage would be if you willingly fell into the bamboo spikes, and, even then, I don’t know if they would actually be sharp enough to pierce through a body made of some futuristic metal alloy that has already been shown to withstand multiple hits from various types of firearms, flying saw blades, laser beams, and, most recently, falling spin toys! He makes cute roar noises, spins and flips around the room, pounds his chest, and electrifies the floor when his power gauge is filled. Successfully defeat the mutant, and you will learn nothing from him. Instead of generating lightning and spinning around the room, your weapon creates melons to either kick at enemies or use as a fruity substitute for Rush Coil. Why can a robot bounce on melons to reach higher areas? I don’t know! I… *begins to cry* just… don’t fucking know.

Next is Ryu, because your M. Buster… fuck you! I chose Rose next, because she looks like NiGHTS in this game.

Apparently, I was spot on with this selection, because Rose is allergic to melons and using them against her will cause a rather lengthy cut scene showcasing a somewhat overly dramatic reaction upon contact. Hives, vomiting, gnashing of teeth, but we’ll discuss that later. When you begin her stage, Rush provides transport across a wide blue screen that I assume is supposed to be the sky. Small patches of white periodically zips on by, and it looks like a darker shade of blue creeps across the lower portion of the screen giving off a vague appearance of roof tops, but I couldn't help but ask myself, “Why not add a bird, a plane, or even a cameo of Air Man on top of a Goblin (Air Tikki)?” This is the type of game one could really have some fun making. When Capcom decided to support Seow’s creation, that right there justifies the demand for more than what was offered. Mega Man lands and continues forward against flying swords, bubble-spewing moron bots, flame wheels, falling coins, and FOOL signs that barely fill this large violet building you’re running through. Once you reach Rose, she’ll begin by teleporting to your location and following that up with a slide attack. Purple, slow-moving projectiles will occasionally be fired, and she might even reflect one of your blasts. Once her power gauge is full, Rose will unleash her Soul Satellite before continuing her basic attacks. They orbit around her and act as temporary shields. As I typed earlier, Rose can be defeated more easily with the help of Blanka’s tropical hazzard. The plan is simple. She teleports to your location and finds a melon where you once were. It’s a body replacement technique that dupes the fortune teller every time! Frustrated (and hungry), Rose surrenders and teaches Mega Man how to use soul satellite in exchange for a few of those melons. Soon after taking her second bite, Rose’s throat closes up and she collapses on the floor. Congratulations, you now have ANOTHER FUCKING LEAF SHIELD! With the soul satellite at your disposal, completely disregard Rolento and face off against Chun-Li, instead.

Chun-li’s stage was meant to look like stereotypical China, but I doubt the country is plagued with that much neon pink. Then again, this is the best place to farm for goodies, so that seems appropriate, but otherwise, there’s not a single thing remotely interesting about her stage. Just run and gun your way towards the door, shooting bots as they continually come at you until your health is full. When you finally decide to enter the last room, you’ll notice that she’s on one side of the screen and you’re on the other. You’ll want to maintain that bit of distance as long as possible. Ryu’s spamball is the most effective weapon for finishing her off, but I wanted to save him for last. Instead, I activated my soul sati… LEAF SHIELD and allowed them to hit her each time she got close to me. This, of course, is not a good idea for when you must fight all the world warriors a second time, but I found it enjoyable to dodge her attacks while staying nearby. Eventually, she’ll slip and hurt her knee, and you’ll have to stand there and watch her inhale sharply through her teeth as she repeatedly whines “Ah!” multiple times. It’s a bit obnoxious, but you’ll probably be bothered more by Urien’s entrance later on when you hear him screaming, “No No No No No Nooooooo!” from above and he slides naked onto the stage while sitting in a bathtub. Frustrated and now limping, Chun-li will forfeit the match and tell Mega Man the secret to her technique before making her way to a candy shop… why not a doctor? I don’t care to know.  The secret, by the way, is “kick REALLY fast”. Remember, it doesn't work unless you capitalize the “really” when you perform the action.

Onto Rolento, you’ll want to make sure you have the appropriate weapon for the match. Unfortunately, Mike Haggar doesn’t appear in this game, so you’re stuck using more leaf shield. Rolento’s stage is construction themed, which includes unstable flooring, plenty of mets to deal with, and a relaxing elevator ride to Rolento’s room. There’s also another relative of the spines (a bot from the original Mega Man game), as well as a grenade-spewing face that likes to be stacked on top of itself. If you want to make things easier, simply use soul satellite throughout most of the stage, and you’ll be able to get by most of it without having to stop. It seems like a silly idea, but if you've never faced Rolento before, then he’ll probably beat you the first time and your weapon will be completely refilled. If you have faced him before, then the soul satellite isn't really necessary. Rolento will constantly move back and forth, either rolling on the floor, making wide leaps, or bouncing on his limited edition Dragon Ball collectible power pole, which he’ll also twirl around as he gets close to you while blades and grenades periodically fall from the sky. It’s definitely an enjoyable battle and worth only using your mega buster for. Rolento’s theme is a nice mash-up of Slash Man and Heat Man which is ruined by his victory celebration if you fail to defeat him. Perhaps it’s just because I don’t appreciate karaoke as much as I probably should, but I find it disturbing to hear his rendition of Prince’s 1985 album Around the World in a Day. This is especially true when he starts singing, “I wear a raspberry beret! The kind you find in a military store….” Defeating him will reward Mega Man with the ability to chuck grenades. It’s like a shitty version of Crash Man’s weapon. While I don’t use them much within the game, I did find them to be of some value against Urien, an unstable clone of Sisqo.


*A slightly better picture than the thrusting pelvis one from the game itself*

Urien, brother of Shyt (who later changed his name to Gill for some odd reason), is the result of strict training, grape Kool-Aid, and genetic modifications. His Ki was blended with the elements of the Earth, which not only explains why his stage involves traveling through a mountain, but also why he can help summon Captain Planet without wearing a ring. In addition to falling platforms, you’ll encounter obnoxious flying orbs with barriers that will reflect your weapon fire. Consider this a prelude to the boss fight. When you reach Urien, he’ll come at you either by charging with Tyrant Slaughter, or he’ll come crashing down crotch-first with what is inaccurately referred to as his Violence “Knee” Drop. Shortly after that, you can expect him to start shooting metallic spheres. Those grenades do little to nothing for any of this shit. They’re only use is for countering his least-performed ability, the Aegis Reflector, which, like those bots you dealt with earlier, will send your weapon fire back at you. The grenades, however, will merely explode upon contact, taking down the shield with it. It’s not a guaranteed victory having this weapon. It’s merely a convenience. If you don’t learn how to avoid Urien’s attacks, you’re going to have a rough time when health is limited and you must face him a second time. Just remember, you’re a futuristic robot fighter and he’s a black man wearing nothing but a banana hammock. There shouldn't be any doubt that you can win this fight.

Taking a break from looking at half-naked men, avoid Dhalsim for now and head on down to face Crimson Viper. Viper is a 30-year-old MILF with a power suit and secret agent training to effectively use it. Some of you might only remember her as that woman who shit all over Guile’s genitals in the Street Fighter Collab. Viper’s weakness is Chun-li’s close-range kick ability, so good luck with that awful fucking weapon. Her stage is a large, purple S.I.N. building with elevators and a laser security system that you must outrun. Fun fact: elevators will kill you if you stand under them. J C. Viper comes straight at you in a manner similar to Urien, or as she calls him, "pee-pee," but does so while wearing clothes. She’ll also use seismic hammer and optic laser, which are only problematic to avoid while trying to use lightning kick against her. These attacks, in addition to her special, which removes a nice chunk of your health when it hits, all give me the impression that it might be better to just learn to rely more upon your mega buster and do your best to maintain a safe distance.

Back to naked men, you now enter a maze world of elephant portraits, flying carpet platforms, and the color of orange. Dhalsim’s stage is one of the few worth caring about. The first time you make your way to the boss, you’ll probably reach a dead end at one point or another, forcing you to fight some rather obnoxious enemies a second time around. The silver lining to all of this is the music by A_Rival who mixes Dhalsim’s theme from the original Street Fighter 2 with that of Snake Man. Dhalsim, as you should know, is a starving pacifist who only wants what’s best for his village, wife, and son, so it's imperative that you kill him with lasers. Actually, kill everything with lasers. Defeat Viper first, take her Cyclops cosplay prop, and laser every half-naked man, woman, and robot that you come across in this game!

Ryu’s stage is a fucking waste of time. Pooping birds, purple samurai warriors, and flaming swordsmen barely amount to any sort of challenge, which goes double for Ryu himself. Jump over or use reflector on his Hadouken fireballs, and slide under his spin kicks. If you've managed to beat the other seven fighters before facing this asshole, then you’ll likely find this battle to be a joke. This is probably because the only difficulty one has ever had with Ryu in the past was the result of the opponent player repeatedly using Hadouken until either the timer ran out or until you actually lost all your health from the chip damage you took while constantly blocking them. Since the CPU doesn't understand how pathetically cheap spamming can be, Ryu ends up being a bigger disappointment than finding out that Zangief was never added to this game at all. It'll get better... maybe.

Now that everyone is defeated (preferably with lasers), you fly over to America to face Balrog. Actually, you don’t really face Balrog. It’s quite the opposite, really. In this special stage, which looks terrific by the way, you goal is to keep a safe distance from the boxer as he continuously dashes towards you with a flurry of punches. If a single one connects, you’re done for. All you have to do is survive until you reach the three falling floor panels. As you make your way across them, immediately slide to grab the energy tank before the stage ends with Balrog falling into the pit. It’s a poor showing for Bison’s main force, but Vega makes up for it in the second stage.

Over in Spain, you will have yourself one Hell of a time climbing past the machines that try to stop you. Your best bet is to just use yoga inferno to clear away enemies without risking being in their line of fire. Once you reach the top, there is really nothing else to worry about until you meet Vega himself. If you can actually hit Vega with it, the lightning kick is not only effective, but it will also remove his claw and mask during the fight. In all likelihood, you will need to use an energy tank to survive, but don’t bother wasting one if you don’t knock out at least half of his life first.

Finally, you make your way to a secret S.I.N. headquarters where you will fight all eight warriors again. Between each fight, make sure to hit the spinning white and black orbs for a health and weapon refill. Bison faces you in a grassy plain under a dark, stormy sky. His moveset is that of the original Street Fighter 2, though I don’t know if he ever learned any new tricks since then. His special attack is, of course, his psycho crusher, but like everything else he does, it is a little too easy to dodge. In fact, for a final boss, he is pretty fucking simple. Wily always had another, more obnoxious form, so why does Bison lie dead on the grass after only being beaten once? The ending is Ryu and Mega Man walking into the sunset. They then stand on the rooftop together, looking out onto the world. Suddenly, Zangief kicks them off the building where they both plummet to their deaths while he dances with Dhalsim, Urien, and Gill to the tune of Macho Man. It's a typical Capcom ending.

As I mentioned before, there is Akuma, but he’s not much better than Bison. In addition to him, there is at least one other decent Easter egg to enjoy: pause the game during any level, hold the jump button, then press up once and down three times to listen to Guile’s theme. You can also remove Mega Man’s helmet by holding the shoot button while highlighting Ryu’s portrait and pressing right three times then left once. I guess that’s something, too.

In 25 years, Mega Man has splintered off into seven sub-series and none of them have been able to recapture the success the Blue Bomber once had. Even when Capcom supported Seow’s idea to combine the company’s second and third best-selling franchises, they really didn't add anything to the project. Some of the boss battles were more enjoyable than the robot masters ever were, but as a whole, the game lacked charisma. The music’s excellent, but it’s just stolen bits from Street Fighter and previous Mega Man games. I think Capcom might finally realize it’s time to stop. For the 120+ games that came out of the series, the only ones anyone seems to really care about are the first three original Mega Man titles, and the first Mega Man X (and my brother really REALLY loves that soccer title for the SNES). I understand that this was a free game, but for about two hours’ worth of entertainment, the 25^th anniversary of Mega Man amounted to that of a free movie ticket. Fans just need to let this go. If something new and interesting (i.e. profitable) comes to mind, I’m sure Capcom will grace us with another Mega Man title for me to write more boring pages about. Unless that time comes, I don’t want to see him again until he is part of the Smash Bros. roster right beside Sonic, Solid Snake, and Fot Arblort.


So, we get this guy, but not Zangief, huh? Figures.

At least it's not a Gundam game.

I don’t think the Gamecube had too many hits back in its day, comparatively speaking. Still, it was created by Nintendo, and that alone made it an important addition to a gamer’s collection back then. The Mario, Zelda, and Metroid titles that usually come with a Nintendo system already justify the price of the machine, but it also had Pikmin, Animal Crossing, Metal Gear Solid: Twin Snakes, and many other decent games that most probably bought used from eBay to enjoy on their Wii consoles, since a GCN was looked upon by many as a waste of money.  Why I didn't feel like playing one of those classics is beyond me. Instead, I had a desire to start up Custom Robo Battle Revolution, which is the fourth game in a series that never reached America until 2004. For many, including myself, the first time seeing Custom Robo was in the form of “Japan Only” trophies on Super Smash Bros. Melee and that sparked my curiosity. When I was very young, I used to believe that, eventually, all Nintendo games got released in the states. Seeing these new faces in the Smash Bros. trophy gallery left me with a feeling that I was really missing out on something solely because I lived here in the states. Eventually, however, I got over it, since I still have more than enough to play that was released in the US. No point in worrying about what else they have across the ocean if I still can’t finish what they already gave me, right?

He controls the horizontal. He controls the vertical.

Custom Robo is the child of Nintendo and Noise Inc. While they’ve also done Go Go Cosmo Cops and have been working on Acroknights (not sure if they ever actually finished it though), Noise Inc. is really only known for the CR series, because that’s basically all they have: five Custom Robo titles and the other two games I just mentioned. Still, there was success with those games, or, at least, with the first three. The fourth CR title is the first one released in the US and, frankly, it was not a good showing by Noise. One way to compare this would be to introduce the music of the 80s to today’s generation of children by having them watch the music video of Prince’s “Batdance”.

Ever dance with the devil in the pale moon light? How about on the Famicom while he tries to kill you with moving walls?

While CR Battle Revolution does nothing particularly well, it isn’t really that bad, either. There are two exceptions, but I’ll get to them later. First, I want to comment on the title screen and the video that goes with it.

As you begin, you hear something that sounds like the response you get from the cashier at the drive-thru order menu before driving up to the first window. I know it’s saying the title of the game, or, at least, I did after hearing it three or four times to make sure. I think that if the sound quality was going to be that awful, then it would have been better not to say anything at all. It’s not a big deal to just read the title, since one needs to be literate to play the game effectively anyhow. The full motion video is about two minutes long and makes me wish for a television series of the same quality, kinda like watching Pokemon or Beyblades, except the fight scenes might actually be worth viewing.

Battle Revolution’s story mode is a standard (if even that good) kid hero plot that revolves around a teenager who becomes a “commander” after reading a letter from his deceased father. I’m not exactly sure what the letter said, but I’m guessing it was something along the lines of, “Son, regardless of what you wanted to do with your life, you’re going to battle with toy robots, instead. I’m dead now, so you have to fulfill my last wish. It’s like Japanese law, or something.” Prior to this, we are treated to the graphical brilliance of a black screen while ??? and Father have a conversation outside their home. Dad gives his son “Hero” a special watch and tells him never to remove it. He then hops into his car and drives off. This sound effect is the only time the existence of a car is hinted at until you go past wall, and, even then, the vehicle is just part of the rubble. You and your friends always travel in straight lines by foot, which gave me the impression that their domed city was about as small as it looked on the map. Coupled with only ten locations to visit, half of which are a single room in size, the Real World is a bit disappointing. When you do go outside the wall, then it’s a whooping three more places to see, and with both worlds, your path is more or less a linear one. The only chance for exploration is after Hero is asked if he wants to head home to rest. Not that anything interesting comes of it, but you can go to a few places to read what the NPCs have to say about what’s happening in their (very) little world. I remember declining nap time to head over to the park to find everyone trying to figure out what the “Z” meant in the Z Syndicate. This adds a little personality to the game, but, again, you wouldn’t be missing out on anything if you never said no to sleep. Speaking of which, your “New Journey” begins with your landlady, Lucy, yelling at you to get out bed and go to work.

Apparently, your character has trouble getting up in the morning, and it has become routine for this thing to wake you up each day. She seems friendly enough, but is portrayed as being overly oblivious to everything you attempt to explain to her:

You: “Commanders control custom robos.”

Lucy: “Hey, you mind slowing down a bit?! Fuck, man, do I look like an IBM to you? I can’t process all of this shit at once!”

At one point, she referred to a license test as a "lying test." We get it. She's not suppose to be the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree, but it seems like this characteristic of her being ignorant on the matter goes a little too far. She also mispronounces the name of the group you work for multiple times, and does little more than tease or flirt with the people she speaks to. Each time your game saves itself and you wake up to start the next chapter, Lucy will stop you shortly after you leave your home to chat for a few moments about nothing of any value. Admittedly, this is a character I can actually like, because she represents an individual with a more pathetic existence than my own. Thanks, Noise Inc.!

As Hero arrives at Steel Hearts, he meets his new boss Ernest, a Steve Austin look-a-like who spends much of his time in this game sitting in a chair that can take him to and from the backroom to his desk.

Why he couldn’t just walk is beyond me, but he’s not a fat ass, so I won’t question it any further than that. Ernest is smarter than he seems, and he does care about his employees. Actually, he’s one of the few characters I’m not particularly bothered by, because he wasn't made out to be too unbelievable, as was the case with Lucy. The other guy in the room is a different matter.

When you first meet Harry, he comes up to support your desire to become a bounty hunter. Considering your character has no experience and no machine to actually do the job, I’d have to question Harry’s judgment. Rather than waste time arguing, Ernest tells Harry to take Hero with him to the lab to see how things get done. This is fine for your run-of-the-mill career, but I wouldn’t send a novice to watch a bounty hunter work. A serious fight might occur. Someone might get badly hurt or killed. There could be… oh, wait a minute. These are people fighting with toy robots. Nevermind, then. At the lab, you find the crooks standing right outside the building… fighting with three of the officers… in the middle of the day. One is actually just standing there doing nothing, as are a couple of people from the police force. Harry shows Hero that fighting involves facing an individual, diving into your robo, and having it battle the other’s robo within a sphere that appears between them. Why not just arrest these fools while they are occupied in their silly little battles? Who cares if it disrupts their match? They’re breaking the law! In an attempt to help him, Hero ends up causing Harry to lose the match. Serendipitously, you discover the very gad, or cube, or whatever it is these criminals are trying to steal. It suddenly becomes your custom robo, and you now have to battle the same guy Harry lost against, BUT FIRST! Harry has some advice for you. Oh, he has LOTS of advice for you. He won’t stop giving you advice for the ENTIRE. FUCKING. GAME! The few times Harry isn’t doling out turds of wisdom, he’s, instead, telling you to go around the room and receive information from everyone else; from all the failures who couldn't beat you, but, apparently, know more than you do. Those NPCs are brilliant, by the way. I learned that SPD means “speed”, which has to do with how fast something moves, and ATK means “attack”, which has to do with how much damage a weapon deals.

Girl:  "Useful info, huh? A little TOO useful, don't you think?"

I can tolerate the derp factor most of the time, but because this game has a graph for each type of part, the developers not only had these characters explain the stats for them, but also felt it was necessary to explain the stats repeatedly, rather than assume that the player could just figure out that “ATK” meant the same thing for a bomb as it did for a gun. Despite all this, Harry still tops everyone else with that first bit of advice at the start of the game when he told me to “BLAM BLAM BLAM”, “ZOOM ZOOM ZOOM”, and “BANG BANG” to win.

Now I know what happens to all the clothes that Goodwill refuses to take.

I’m surprised no one ever says anything to him about how he looks. Isn't there a term for people who dress like him? Seriously, I'm curious about it. He's not quite trailer park trash, but somewhere along those lines.

Moving on, the third person in your group is Marcia, a shy girl who spent much of her childhood relying upon her brother, Sergei, for support while distancing herself from everyone else. Because of her ability to half-dive, allowing her to read the thoughts of another commander, the other children found her to be strange and people from the lab actually took her and forced her to participate in their experiments. It's no surprise how she grew to become socially awkward. Hoping to find out about Sergei’s disappearance, Marcia plans to earn a Class A license and join the police someday.  It seems like she is going to be the girl your character gets in the end, but nothing really indicates her being interested in anyone besides her brother. Hawt, I know.

There are plenty of other named characters in this, and they all come back to battle you in the second part of the game, but I’m fairly certain you’ll forget all of them shortly after you begin playing something else.

The same thing can be said about the plot. The whole story plays out like a 12-episode season of Generic the Anime, and most of it is padded with consecutive tournaments. The one redeeming quality to this mess is the combat… ha, just kidding! Mash all the buttons on your controller as quickly as you can and you’re guaranteed to win most of your fights. No, the one thing this game does well is poke fun at itself. It doesn't take long for the player to realize that Noise Inc. put a stronger emphasis on having fun with their work rather than with trying to create the next epic adventure. Most of your character’s choices are variations of “Yes” “No” and “Something Silly”, but I usually avoided the third option since it, like the second option, often resulted in having everything explained to me again.

The graphics are nothing spectacular. They look better than the screenshots I’ve seen of the previous games, but that was a rather low hurdle to jump over, and the box art includes pictures from the CGI video, rather than of the actual game. Movement is a little stiff, so combat feels clunky to me. 

I find it appropriate that the developers call themselves “Noise”. The music is atrocious and made worse by the sound of each letter that formed as a character talked to you. In response, I muted my TV and began playing music from a station on my iTunes radio that specialized in classic Eurodance. Living up to its slogan: “Finest imported cheese on the net,” I was treated to such stellar hits as Alcazar’s amalgamation of Upside Down and Land of Confusion and the creatively-titled Boom, Boom, Boom, Boom!! by the Vengaboys, which features genius lyrics like “I wanna double boom.” This is still better than anything I might listen to within the game.

Ears must not exist in the world you four live in.

What actual reasons could I provide to convince you, the non-existent reader of this blog, to play this game? Well, there’s the “collect’em all!” mentality one develops while trying to complete the first part. Bombs and pods don’t seem to do a whole lot of good, but if you want to rack up those points in the Grand Battle, choosing the right body type and gun is essential for each match. Then, you’ve got the simplistic and forgiving gameplay. I’m not particularly fond of the bazillion tips that everyone, especially Harry, believes is necessary for me to progress through the story mode, but explanations of each robo part and holosseum allow the player the opportunity to carefully choose how he wishes to proceed into battle. With every new piece obtained, there’s also the option to practice using it, instead of finding out how it works during an actual fight. Even if you disregard the information, the practice opportunities, and Harry’s need to treat you like an idiot, losing simply means redoing the battle. You don’t have to load up the game again, or go back to the last save point. It just repeats the last line or two of text with the person you lost against and the preparation screen loads up again. It’s all rather convenient. I don’t feel like I need to study everything about my opponent and carefully pick out each piece of my custom robo. In fact, most of the time, I just chose whatever looked good and went in mashing my attack buttons. Lastly, the word "natter" was used. Kudos for that!

If you are a fan of interchangeable robots, and if can find a copy for under $15, then I definitely recommend it. The initial story mode isn’t going to take up too much of your time, and the Grand Battle can be finished casually, without the need to aim for top scoring in every fight. I’m fairly certain, however, that if you make it through the first half, you’ll likely keep going until you’ve gathered every available part.

"What the hell? Why was I not in this?!"