This Needs A Bit More To It

He wasn't always kinda, sorta, not really famous, you know. Before this lil' pixel managed to headline his own title, the now hoppin' boppin' block was only recognized as the grandchild of one of the most well-known icons from the days of Atari: a quadrilateral quester with no name that slew duck dragons in search of a wishbone. He also played significant cameos in other Atari titles, like the square ball in Pong, the square ball in Super Breakout, which is like a single-player version of Pong for people too pathetic to have a friend, and as one of the rocks in the 2600 version of Dig Dug. Looking back, it wasn't really that impressive of a career, but his old stories, like the one where he defiantly turned 45 degrees in order to retrieve the wishbone as a rhombus, were enough to inspire Pip to pursue his own Adventure in the video gaming industry. Puns are not funny ...nor is anything else here.

Once he was old enough, Pip set out to make his dream a reality. Unfortunately, there was a dark road ahead for the little guy, and he was likely to be eaten by a grue. Video games were now considerably more detailed, and any work a single pixel could get would be no more impactful than adding another drop of water to the ocean. Despite his best efforts, Pip's participation would be so small that even he couldn't point out which bit he was in a screenshot (also, he had no fingers to point with). While modeling for pixel art here and there helped keep the poor block off the streets, Pip's desire to someday follow in his grandfather's footste... erm, slide marks was slowly dying. At his low point, Pip found himself sharing the role of a "Go away! You'll ruin everything!" Z piece in a Tetris clone.

"Hey, blocks, check it! Go snake that shit!"
(...still not funny)

It wasn't until the mid 2000s, shortly after Crazy Frog was strangled to death with his own tongue, when a revival of chip music took hold with the help of artists like Beck, Gorillaz, and 8-Bit Operators. Retro-styled (commonly 8- and 16-bit) games soon followed as shareware distribution was made obsolete thanks to updated development tools, online distributors, and crowdfunding that allowed independent developers to finally profit from their efforts to fulfill that strong, somewhat sad, desire shared by 30-year-old gamers to relive their power-playing, blast-processing childhoods. For the first time since his journey began, Pip's fear of settling for a spot on Newgrounds as some piss-poor flash title with unresponsive controls and poor collision detection was no longer a strong possibility. Also, that flash game would have been littered with dicks, because... Newgrounds. More importantly, I need to use more hyphens (and better grammar in general) in my work, or, at least, something hyphen related. Wait, flip that. "...or, at least, a hyphen-related something."

Why not hyphen-related math? 

After filling in a few more spots here and there throughout various Kickstarter and Indiegogo projects, along with participating in some pro bono work for Kongregate and Armor Games (as is strongly encouraged in the Gaming Rules of Professional Pixelated Conduct), Pip managed to secure himself a starring role in Tic Toc Games's next amazing platformer.

A tough act to follow.
*Image has been altered to increase adorableness by 20%*

Aptly titled Adventures of Pip, players take control of whats-his-name and travel across a relatively small world to reach the pixel-absorbing bitch queen of the underworld (which is above all the other areas of the rest of the world *shrugs*) who waited precisely sixteen years to kidnap the princess, probably because holding an infant or young child hostage would be really evil and that's definitely not, you know, something the main villain of a video game should ever do.

While it's true that she attacked the kingdom and turned many of the high-res townsfolk into helpless blocks, the skeleton queen has a somewhat likable personality, as is expressed in much of her dialogue.

No, not at all, but, um, if you're done with that lifeless body...

Using the special ability of the princess to manipulate the bitstream, DeRezzia plans to change everyone into the same resolution. Presumably, this would bring an end to the inequality exhibited between hi- and lo-res citizens, but I'm guessing she never saw the 12th episode of The Fairly OddParents where a similar wish turned everyone into a variety of cartoon birds voiced by Gilbert Gottfried and Timmy had to plop food on his head to fix it.

As Pip, you'll bounce and trounce you're way through a simplified obstacle course of about ten hours worth of content in order to rescue trios of stupid townsfolk who fled the kingdom during DeRezzia's attack only to end up getting stuck in other dangerous spots. They're merely collectible, but the game's not challenging enough to justify ignoring them, so put in that small bit of effort to finish this properly, ok?

Many are actually Kickstarter backers whom you'll meet again whenever Pip heads back to shop.

There are plenty of power-ups to purchase using other pixels one accumulates from treasure chests and fallen enemies as money. These purchases include additional hearts, damage reduction, and a fireball-throwing sword. Now, before you question the use of pixels as money, please note that the world, its inhabitants, the power to create pixels, Adam Sandler's continuing streak of terrible movies, and this particular currency are all topics best left at a basic understanding. Too much thought into the 6 Ws of how this reality works won't amount to anything... though I wouldn't mind a sequel with some explanation. Then again, I wouldn't mind if there was a sequel without it, too. The game doesn't take itself too seriously, and nor should you.

I supported the Kickstarter, not only because I thought the concept was neat, but also because I discovered Jake "Virt" Kaufman created the soundtrack. A terrific remixer/composer. If his name isn't familiar, the man's work includes soundtracks for Shantae, Ducktails: Remastered, Shovel Knight, and Double Dragon Neon. Check out his stuff.

The game itself is a fun romp. Well-made, colorful, cheerful, and occasionally amusing, but I wouldn't recommend it at full cost. It's just too easy, too short, and there's little replay value to compensate. Still, if Tic Toc Games decides to start up another campaign to fund a sequel, I'll be glad to chip in. I think they've earned that much.

Let's hope Bogart manages to waddle his way into the sequel as a companion of sorts.
*Image has been altered to increase adorableness by 23%*

I understand.

If you're a part of the iGen (Generation Z), then it's a safe assumption that Iwata's impact was strongly felt through games like Pokemon Silver, Gold, Stadium, Super Smash Bros., along with his decisions to direct Nintendo towards gimmicky consoles that separated themselves from their competition and still managed to profit considerably. Prior to that, there was Balloon Fight, but I didn't care much for playing Joust, and Earthbound, a game I never could get my hands on (for monetary reasons), which left me with Kirby's Dream Land. I love the game, and I eventually bought the anniversary collection (with the included soundtrack, of course), but, please understand, that alone doesn't feel as though I should have the right to associate the man with my childhood. Instead, Mr. Iwata played a role in my early adulthood as a shining example of the sort of person I should strive to be, even if I don't end up being as successful as he was.

Satoru Iwata was a man who not only knew what he was doing, and loved what he was doing, but he also enjoyed expressing that love to the public: first, through ensuring high quality content from nearly all of Nintendo's first-party titles, and, later, with the help of various forms of social media to build strong public relations with fellow gamers, especially with his Iwata Asks segments and Nintendo Directs. He was the sort of man I respected most in this world: hands-on, hard-working, humble, and even a bit quirky. The president of a major company who maintained consideration for both his employees and consumers as a result of starting at the bottom, working his way up the corporate ladder, and managing to not forget where he came from in the process. He understood that responsibility begins at the top, a lesson many refuse to learn nowadays, and that money shouldn't be the main focus of a business (though it's certainly an important one), as was indicated by his relatively low base salary. With his passing, the world has become a darker place, and I fear for Nintendo's future because of it. Sure, the company has made plenty of foolish decisions under Iwata's leadership, and many believe his loss will lead to a more business savvy (i.e. soulless) direction, but the thing is, somebody has to take chances, and few gaming companies have both the nerve and money to afford the potential backlash of those risks. Video games need that innovation to help the industry to evolve, which is why I've always loved Nintendo. Now, I can only hope that the company remains as fun and unpredictable as it had been under Iwata's leadership. 

I would eat a banana in the man's honour if I wasn't allergic to them, but I do plan on purchasing Earthbound Beginnings in the near future. That's something I guess. I wish I could think of something more appropriate, and I don't mean adding my name to an assortment of silly petitions. I would purchase Kirby and Ness amiibos if I could find them (aside from scalpers), but that doesn't seem likely at this point. 

I've also been listening to Bound Together, a fan-made soundtrack of remixed music inspired by Mother 2 (That's one more reason to praise Iwata, right?) The music is free to download, and includes tracks by Virt, The OneUps, and Joshua Morse. I recommend it, along with downloading Earthbound Beginnings on the VC.

I really wanted to post about all of this sooner, but, considering the topic was on a more personal level than my usual garbage, I just didn't want to settle for using something I quickly took off of Google images. As a result, you get to look at this eyesore I created. My apologies.

Happy 4th of July! (on the 24th of June)

Whether it be up against zombies, werewolves, vampires, or even Teddy Roosevelt at a baseball game... for reasons...

Finishing move: The Flying Railsplitter!

the part man, part machine, part rock President of the United States is constantly having to save his fellow Americans from every kind of supernatural horror and/or rough rider conveniently popular in the media at that particular time. And I am so glad that Roosevelt fad is finally over!

The one thing about his popularity, however, is that it doesn't really carry over well into other countries, which is why his appearance is such an odd one in Intelligent Systems's newest tactical strategy IP. It's kinda like the localization of Nobunaga's Ambition. Koei's turn-based wargame received a considerable amount of praise, and was already extremely popular on Japanese PCs, but I had heard nothing of it from fellow gamers throughout the years. Granted, its first official release on the NES occurred in 1989, right? I wasn't even playing with power back then (...or was I? I can't remember.) I'll admit that just about everything gaming-related at that time was overshadowed by the introduction of the Game Boy, the release of Mega Man 2, and the premiere of The Wizard, though that shitty film was only popular thanks to Super Mario Bros. 3 (the game itself wasn't released in the states until AFTER the movie), so it's obscurity might simply be a result of poor timing. Ok, forget that. Um, imagine if Australia released a game centered around Neville Bonner *giggity*. He came from humble beginnings, loved boomerangs, and looks great in all his photos, but who the fuck is he and why is he the star of a handheld title? Outside of the land down under, I doubt anyone would care to know. With that in consideration, Japan felt it was necessary to add "Lincoln vs Aliens" to the title when the game finally reached the island nation. Yes, America received this game first... not that many appreciated it.

Code Name: S.T.E.A.M. Lincoln vs Aliens is Americanized Valkyria Chronicles. Many will compare it to XCOM: Enemy Unknown, instead, but I've never played that before, and I've only owned the game for one year (19 to go). Then again, I've never played VC, either, so I guess that sort of invalidates the previous comparison, but, you know, shut up.

The game revolves around squad-based strategy using characters from American literature, folklore, and films.

For those of you with little interest in figuring them out on your own, here's a spoiler list of sorts:

Henry Fleming - the Union Army private from The Red Badge of Courage
Queequeg - the cannibal shipmate from Moby Dick
Tom Sawyer - a recurring character in Mark Twain's novels 
Calafia - Queen of California's fictional island in The Adventures of Esplandián
The Fox - Zorro's Black Whip, a film from the 1940s.
Tiger Lily - Neverland-borne Native American from Peter Pan
Randolph Carter - the alter-ego and recurring character of H.P. Lovecraft
John Henry - from the tall tales of a "steel-driving man" who lost to technology
Dorothy Gale, Lion, Tin Man, and Scarecrow - The Wonderful Wizard of Oz 
????????? - Original Character

Calafia's existence may not be of American origins, but she's important to the people of California, representing its spirit, so I'm not going to question her appearance in this game any further than to find out why she is associated with a rhino, instead of a griffin. She had an army of 500 griffins. Where the fuck did a rhino come from? A floating barrel?

Looks good. Looks interesting. Looks up.

As many others will point out, the look chosen for S.T.E.A.M. is a callback to American comics from the mid 1950s and 1960s. It helps to better distinguish the game from similar titles at the risk of turning away those who are either obsessed with realism, or, worse, wish for everything to become anime. Standardizing bunch of uncreative fucks.

The story is a simple one - evil aliens need to be stopped, which is probably why little effort was made to flesh out the team. That, and these individuals already come with plenty of backstory from their respective sources (I was somewhat peeved at the complaints made by other reviewers about the matter.) The whole thing leaves me to wonder if this is just part of some alternate Dream Realm created by Randolph after he fell asleep in his study room. Considering how many heroic depictions of Lincoln were made around that time, it wouldn't be too farfetched to see him in charge of the whole operation, either.

Gameplay is what I love most about this. As I have stated before, I'm burned out on Fire Emblem. Each sequel came with changes, but not enough to really make any of them feel like something different. S.T.E.A.M. provides a genuine 3rd-person perspective, meaning enemies can hide behind obstacles and lurk around corners to get the jump on reckless players, and the option to counterattack (referred to as overwatch) must be taken into consideration alongside movement and being offensive. It all runs on the same supply of steam, which refills to some extent during the player's turn with the amount depending upon what boiler is strapped to a character's back.

You have to be in a high position for that bird's-eye view.

Characters come with their own weapons, an ability that may be passive or active (buffs, immunities, ...pushing), and a special attack that can be activated once per level.

Let freedom ring with a red, white, and BOOM!
(I combined two one-liners from the actual game. I didn't make that shit up!)

Add to that two sets of equipment to unlock: boilers and sub weapons, which help to better customize your already-diverse, four-man squad. Oh, and a few words of advice: Don't let the silliness of some of these weapons fool you. Littering the battlefield with banana peels and pumpkins will turn the enemy force into a bunch of clowns. Lures will bring them out of hiding, and stuns will not only halt their movement, but will also significantly increase the damage taken with the next hit, so feel free to shower your foes with high-flyin' electric eels.

As one plays through the story, characters will gradually tag along. From what I've seen on Youtube, they're more interesting to play with than the Fire Emblem Amiibo Force, so don't feel bad if you're among the 99% who haven't yet seen one of these figurines available for purchase. The aliens are boring to look at (not gonna sugarcoat that), though there is enough detail to help distinguish one from another, and they do come with their own quirks. Some will even kill their own if you know how to position yourself. Lastly, be quick, or your team will be overrun with respawns. Several can and will emerge each turn to slow you down.

"Full S.T.E.A.M. ahead!"
Get it? Because he used the name of... awww, fuck it!

The A.B.E. encounters are a nice change from the usual gameplay, and I suppose those moments could be considered boss fights, but I really wish there were a few more charismatic enemies to deal with. The only one you really have to struggle against is Starface. 

The campaign will take about fifteen to twenty hours to finish, unlocking harder modes that place limitations upon those wishing to repeat missions. These include Intuition (meaning you can no longer see health and steam bars), No Return (backtracking will not replenish your steam), and Merciless (stronger enemies). Another challenge involves collecting 100,000 medals. 100,000! Is it really worth that much trouble? It would help explain those question marks I typed earlier.

Multiplayer modes are available, but you only get 60 seconds per turn. I can understand why, but that's rushing it a bit, isn't it? Maybe 90 would be better? I'm surprised this was put into place for PvP, but had to be implemented for the campaign through an update. Less importantly, who honestly believes I bought this (or any other game) for its online value?

The music is appropriate, if not familiar, and one can unlock the soundtrack within the game... or listen to it on Youtube. Yoshito Sekigawa (a.k.a. Yoshito Hirano) is the composer, but that shouldn't be a surprise considering S.T.E.A.M.'s developer. I am currently unaware of the singer in the alternate opening theme, though I doubt it was Yoshito's voice. Maybe Wil Wheaton sang it? I wouldn't put it past him. He is the voice of Abe Lincoln, after all and Michael Dorn tags along as John "somewhat a merry man" Henry. Unfortunately, Patrick Stewart was too busy finishing off a bucket of ice to participate. I know. It made me all frowny, as well.

Oh, and they're not the only recognizable voice actors worth mentioning. My three favorite of the bunch are: 

Paul Eiding (Perceptor from the original Transformers; Col. Roy Campbell from Metal Gear Solid; Aldarius, Executor, and Overmind from the Starcraft series)

Kari Wahlgren (FLCL's Haruko Harahara, DoA's Kasumi, and Tales of Symphonia's own Professor Raine Sage, the only other fictional character I've had a crush on in the past besides Katt from Breath of Fire 2)

Grey DeLisle (pretty much everything over the last twenty years)

It's rare to see this sort of AAA-ish treatment being given to such an iffy new IP, but, then again, it's a product brought to us through Nintendo, the company who helped support Fatal Frame V, The Wonderful 101, and Bayonetta 2 above and beyond what a sane business would budget. I'll buy the games just to show my appreciation for the people at Nintendo taking these risks. They fuck up bunches, sure, but I'd hate to see them go the way of Sega after doing so much to help keep the industry changing... I still want more Amiibos, guys. Where are the Amiibos, Nintendo? Where are they?! Stop announcing new ones, and restock what you've already released! Assholes.

<3 I still love ya. <3 

I thought it was a great game, and I appreciate the reference to both Nell and Caroline made through the inclusion of Katherine. A shame only 1800+ copies sold in Japan during the week of its release, and sales were not much better in the states, though I doubt anyone was surprised by that. Regardless, I'll recommend S.T.E.A.M. to anyone wishing for something more challenging (and charming!) than Fire Emblem: Awakening.

But not as much as it needs MORE AMIIBOS!

~Acknowledgements~

Angela Moseley - Recommendation.

Murlocs - I killed a lot of them.

Chops - The only one who will actually read this post, but won't provide art support.

Josh - Borrowed the game. Never gave it back.

Why not?

I felt like doing something marginally different.

Anime is a catch-all term for Japanese animation. It's commonly recognized by the big eyes, entire mouths on one side of the face, teenagers with the curves and muscle mass of adults, and numerous cost-cutting techniques one would expect from an independent artist hoping to showcase his potential through Newgrounds, Vimeo, Youtube, Dailymotion, and DeviantArt.While many western shows rely upon similar tactics, they don't come with the sort of obsessive fanbase anime has thrived upon since Dragonball Z and Sailor Moon. Yes, there have been plenty of others before them, but Gigantor, Voltron, Speed Racer, Astro Boy, and so on, did little more than create a semi-strong following for themselves, rather than for the industry outside of Japan. For the older folks, we can thank movies like Akira, Vampire Hunter D, and Ninja Scroll (I know what you are thinking, but many didn't even realize Studio Ghibli movies were anime. This misunderstanding was shared with Pokemon.) They did their part, though, again, not to the extent that led to the development of entire television blocks like Toonami and Ani-Monday, along with various, well-established websites offering fan-subbed bootleg content. Now, nearly everything is reasonably attainable, and a handful of these illegal sites have gone straight with legal distribution funded through advertisement and membership fees. By the way, this is me clarifying my comments about DBZ and SM's impact upon, at least, the American market for anime. I can't really speak, nor type, for other countries. If I'm wrong, and probably am, you're welcomed to correct me. If anyone's curious, my first experience with anime is found on an earlier post. Since nobody is, I'll move on to my point.

Crunchyroll is an excellent provider of legal anime, manga, and drama, and comes with the conveniences of online shopping and news relating to the media. It also provides the opportunity for users to post their own reviews of the content, which others can then rate as being either helpful or not helpful. Anyone who has suffered through my blog before already knows where I'm going with this, so I'll just skip it and move on to posting a handful of my own where it can be criticized by those with an opinion I might actually give a shit about. Just kidding.

Nagi-Asu: A Lull in the Sea / Anohana

People came out of the ocean, liked what they saw, and stayed. Others didn't. Now we've got human beings and merfolk that actually look identical to human beings, except they must keep themselves moist (with porn). Due to a diminishing population of water babies, four teenagers watch as their school closes its doors for good, forcing them to attend classes on land. They befriend a surface dweller of the same age by accident when the klutz of the bunch is caught up in one of the stranger's nets. It's an over-the-top bullshit coincidence scenario being used to make these characters into instant friends because a decent story would have required the same minimal amount of creativity and effort that many in Japan throughout the world are too lazy to apply to their work. The kid's grandfather used to live in the sea, but gave up his ena (a membrane of sorts that allows these folk to live and breathe in the sea) to be with a woman on land. No one has ever regained their ena after making this decision, and many have left the seas to pursue these mixed relationships. This provides sound reasoning for why those living underwater have dwindled in numbers and why the school had to shut down. The issue is never addressed, however, as Nagi-Asu only wants to focus upon fictional characters (primarily teenagers) falling in love.

The problems with this story really don't show themselves until the audience is made aware of everyone's feelings for one another. As is commonplace with teenage romance in anime, every main character seems to be attracted to another main character who is also attracted to a main character, but none of these main characters share this attraction with those who are attracted to them. Sounds complicated, but this isn't really a big deal, because all anyone has to do is communicate their feelings and the confusion will sort itself out in no time!

As if that wasn't bad enough, it becomes clear that the creators of this ludicrous storyline believed an unlikely puppy love pentagon wasn't a desperate enough attempt to stretch out Nagi-Asu over the span of 26 episodes, so they resorted to the ol' No-One-Says-A-Fucking-Thing-Until-The-End plot. Yes, whenever it seems as though things could finally come out into the open, relieving our cast of fear, stress, and confusion, one of them starts crying (usually that bitch in the picture), and runs away. "No time to talk now, merpeople! We need to chase after her!" Once in a while, no one flees, and, instead, a third person might show up suddenly to butt in, or perhaps a disaster occurs, but, whatever it is, every action taken will result in the worst possible outcome, thereby pushing the length of the series in order to sell another overpriced volume on DVD and Blu-Ray. With shotty decision making, the romance turns into a love heptagon, possibly because the unrequited feelings shared between only five people is just too believeable for the audience to tolerate any longer. I know I was beginning to grow bored with it. There's also this world-cooling phenomenon creating a never-ending winter of salt snow, but, as usual, the power of pure love can fix that, too, because who knows more about romance than kids?

I didn't care for Nagi-Asu. It's obvious that the intent here wasn't to tell a great story, but to make people emotional. Crying viewers are buying viewers, after all. Same deal with another shallow tearjerker, Anohana. Both present themselves with idiocy that leaves a thinker irritated and wanting to scream at the monitor:

"Just fucking say something already!"
"So, none of the adults here are going to be responsible in this situation?"
"You're all fourteen years old! What the Hell do any of you know about... anything?!"

With Anohana, it was even more baffling. Menma's a ghost, so no one except Jintan can see or hear her. Makes sense so far. Yet, Menma can move things around, bake, and even has weight. With those factors in mind, and common sense, why does it take so long for Jintan to convince everyone else that Menma has returned? The whole "The feels are real!" garbage people constantly apply to shows like these is bullshit. How am I suppose to feel for something that has clearly been half-assed in its creation for no better reason than profit?

"Ok, everyone, fuck the details! From start to finish, I want this to be sad and futile! Create a two-dimension character, give him an episode showcasing some friendless, dead-mom childhood where he shuts himself off from the rest of the world. Then, slowly bring him out into the open with the help of some cute girl his age, then have the sad fucker, or the girl, die off heroically, from an accident, or through some misunderstanding... whatever! I don't care! Dead equals money."

Here ya go, everyone! Animate my totally original idea into a 12-episode series on a mediocre budget, sell it for over $115 on Blu-ray, and I'll take no more than a mere 5% in the profit. If the distributors claim the price is too high, include a poster and one of those papercraft figures, then call it a "special edition." Just remember to pay me my share.

I'm no fan of the genre, but I'd recommend Angel Beats or Clannad, instead, if you really want this sort of thing.

Akame Ga Kill!

Here's a wonderful example of how an action-centered anime should be told... for about half its run.

A minor deviation from the manga, but I'm sure a handful noticed and appreciated the +1 in bust size for all the ladies, even if it didn't make much of a difference for Mine.

Akame ga Kill! centers around Imperial Arms consisting of 48 legendary weapons, creatures, and accessories that grant a variety of powers to their owners. I think one of them is even the father of some energetic blonde-headed kid, but who really cares about the details of some spin-off series? When two or more of these individuals battle, it's almost a guarantee that only one will survive. This sets the series up in a similar fashion to Basilisk, with each new death becoming significantly less impactful. In fact, near the end, it actually borders on being downright obnoxious. Pointless. Excessive. Shows like Shiki, Monster, and even Gantz, may fall within the same genre of Akame's "Kill'em all!" variation of tragedy, but there's a meaningful resolution to look forward to with each of these in one way or another. They provided a sense of satisfaction I could not find after finishing White Fox's adaptation. This show is a major letdown for anyone expecting more from it than shameless tearbait.

Want death done right in an action series? Check out some of the other shows I just mentioned, or, better yet, watch Madhouse's 2011 remake of Hunter x Hunter. Best action anime series ever. 

I would like to recommend Neon Genesis Evangelion, but it's not that everyone died so much as they were willingly turned into Tang and mixed together into a sphere held by a giant, naked woman whose head falls off and crashes into the planet as an unsettling piece of music plays in the background. Perhaps that's the sort of thing you're into. I just know most want nothing to do with Tang, as it's not a very tasty drink.  

Kill la Kill

It's Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann with a female protagonist, best friend, and arch rival. Plenty of Gainaxing and hot-tempered conversation that concludes with an insane final battle.

Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann

It's Kill la Kill with a male protagonist, best friend, and arch rival. Plenty of Gainaxing and hot-tempered conversation that concludes with an insane final battle.

Queen's Blade

Ass. Titties. Ass 'n titties. Ass. Ass. Titties. Titties. Ass 'n titties... with fighting.

Seitokai Yakuindomo

Revolving around an uninspired cast of plain anime characters (*cough* I'd like to further point out that none of them are interesting), Seitokai Yakuindomo is little more than a ho-hum comedy that feeds heavily upon low-hanging fruit, especially bananas.

In their defense, SYD only makes this comparison one other time.

Ok, so two more times.

Fine. Three more times.

Well, at least they thought of it first.

Ok, but they did change it up once in a while by replacing the banana with a popsicle. Practically a brand new joke with that, right? Right?! Why won't you respond to me!

Older shows, like Ranma ½ and Urusei Yatsura, are given a pass, simply because they helped shape much of the popular content commonly found in anime comedies, though neither should have run for as long as they did. As for the rest, and I'm sure to catch flak for this, I recommend avoiding the mediocrity emanating from Haiyore! Nyaruko-san, YuruYuri, Sparrow's Hotel, Bobobo-bo bo-bobo, DearS, MM!, and Ookami-san to Shichinin no Nakama-tachi. Obviously, I include Seitokai Yakuindomo in this bunch. Boring stock personalities spend twenty minutes each episode regurgitating dirty jokes from middle school. Here's the punchline for nearly every attempt at humor: "I'm comparing this to sex." Granted, I'm no fan of Gintama either, especially when it decides to reference some other media in the laziest, most obvious fashion possible, but there's variety in those jokes. SYD just keeps going back for more from the same well of perversion it's been drawing from since it began. After the first season, I can admit that I did laugh at one joke. One, and it was quickly ruined when some dipshit at the studio decided, "Hey, that was mildly humorous. At the end of this same episode, have them do the joke again. It'll be one of those call-back jokes that comedians like to use, but we'll build the whole thing up again so everyone sees it coming a mile away. That'll make it better!"

The one time I actually laughed, and SYD fucked it up.

Yeah!
-_-

I think what really bugs me about it enough to waste time blogging anime reviews is that SYD feels like the equivalent of some loser getting up on stage during amateur night at the Chuckle Hut only to read off one-liners and knock-knock garbage from a book he picked up while buying groceries. Even if there are people who will laugh at what they hear, it's not his content. It's not even an admirable attempt to put a spin on that content. Just one stale line followed by another. It's like watching another Pokemon flash about the trainer being attacked by swarms of zubats, figuring out why a fire type cannot burn trees that must be cut in order to clear the path, and having Professor Oak ask about the player's gender. Thing is, those animations are still being made, and SYD was given another season to do the same.

Want my recommendations for alternative comedy? Then why in the world are you reading this to begin with?! Nuts to you all! I'm gonna provide them anyhow ...Buncha assholes comin' here for no better reason than to tell me I ain't allowed to express myself like that.

Mitsudomoe, Level E, Yondemasu yo, Azazel-san, and Nichijou

It's important to acknowledge those who also ventured into SYD's genre and managed to not only maintain their dignity, but also molded their own, more interesting styles doing it.

It's amazing to me that a series like Mitsudomoe can center around a cast of hideous, underaged girls, then prove itself to be exceptionally perverted and entertaining, a combination that fails more often than not in the industry. More amazing is that its humor relies heavily upon misunderstandings and a lack of communication, and I don't despise it for that. Similar to Nagi-Asu in that aspect alone, this idiot plot of sixth graders is surprisingly well thought out (most of the time). Each bit tends to play out in a similar fashion: a simple, relatively dumb conversation begins, both parties are talking about something different, and, as with most shows, it should end with that. Mitsudomoe isn't content to score the first down, however. In many situations, they mad dash to a metaphorical end zone that the viewer probably didn't even think existed. At one point, a conversation about the show's version of the Power Rangers resulted in a male classmate pulling his teacher's pants down to impress the youngest of the triplets. A relatively tame example to share, but why ruin the good stuff?

Mitsudomoe was green lit for a second, shorter season, though I admit that most of it failed to live up to the first. I'd still recommend watching those eight episodes though, because the best these girls have to offer is found within it, and it more than compensates. Also, I'm a sucker for the exceptionally loving bond these girls share with their commonly-mistaken-for-a-pedophile father. It's heartwarming.

That line represents Level E to a T (let the terrible joke sink in for a second)

From the guy who graced us with YuYu Hakusho and Hunter X Hunter comes a short-lived story about a handsome alien prince who manipulates/ruins the lives of a variety of people for his own amusement. Never anything drastically harmful. Just childish and obnoxious. The episodes don't connect with one another too well, and it's not the usually "bonk you over the head" stupid stuff many have come to expect from the industry. As a result, I doubt many will appreciate Togashi's quirky humor, but he brings something else to the genre that anime sorely lacks. For that, I applaud his efforts.  

Yondemasuyo, Azazel-san is beyond dumb. The strong majority of the time, the animation looks excessively dreadful, even for the sake of comedy. In fact, I'm fairly certain that nearly the entire budget for the show went into the few scenes showcasing the true forms of those demons while five-year-olds were paid in candy to doodle abominations for the rest of the series.

Gorgeous!

The content is degrading and offensive to a point of absolute stupidity. The story has to do with demons being used by humans while angels hunt them down, but both are portrayed poorly, and even the all-powerful god in charge of these angels is little more than another perv with a love for penis jokes. The only one to be taken seriously throughout the series is Akutabe, the detective who is feared by every demon foolish enough to defy him, but, as the series continues, it's worth noting that his assistant slowly becomes increasingly terrifying, as well.

Here's the thing about all of this, Azazel-san doesn't merely pick the low-hanging fruit. It also picks up the partially-rotted bits that have long fallen from that tree. It's a uniquely enjoyable experience for you funny lovers, unless you're easily offended. One of these demons has the ability to make people shit themselves. It's that sort of humor.

Straightforward stuff.

Nichijou does everything right in a comedy. Ok, most everything.

~A pair of fast-paced openings by Hyadain. Hyadain. Hyadain. Fun stuff.
~A relaxing collection of endings
~A strong variety of characters
~A mixture of comedy that ranges from simple to complex to "Why the fuck is that man wrestling a deer in the middle of the school yard?"
~A budget that allows Keiichi Arawi's creativity to properly shine for even the most extreme and outlandish moments
~A defining art style. Granted, nearly all the characters seem to be decorated variations of the same template.

An adorable template!

Also, Hyadain.

Nichijou is slice of life alternating between the antics of a trio of high school girls and the odd relationship of a child genius, a talking cat, and their wind-up android caretaker. Need I type more about it? How about this: even those blue twintails and wooden blocks in that image provide additional, bizarre content.

Kuuchuu Buranko

From December 17 to December 25, a screwball with a fetish for needle injections helps his patients deal with a variety of psychological problems by having a frowny nurse in a sexy pink outfit administer vitamin shots that change the patients' heads into those of animals. The serious and silly aspects of their disorders are displayed through an assortment of animation styles, and each person shows up for a guest appearance in the episodes of other characters. 

Sounds fantastic, I know, but it is a product of Toei Animation, so don't expect too much visually. That studio absolutely hates spending money on quality animation. One Piece, Sailor Moon and, recently, World Trigger are prime examples of that.

Setting aside Toei's shit-poor reputation, I loved watching Welcome to Irabu's Office. I'm a fan of psychological content and a sucker for colors. Lots of colors. And this show has them all over the place. It's as if the creator of this universe threw up after suffering from a severe case of crayon-related Pica (Red's the best flavor, of course). I understand that this isn't really the sort of the thing that appeals to many within the anime community, but the Irabu series has been recreated as a live-action series, a movie, and as a play. That counts for something, doesn't it?

Gyakkyō Burai Kaiji

Ending this garbage with something else a bit different, Kaiji is a long-running series about a gambler who suffers through more ups and downs than Okano Natsumi on an elevator-themed rollercoaster through Gravity Man's stage. Punished heavily for his mistakes (good and bad), Kaiji is a man who experiences firsthand how terrible human beings can be while entertaining the ridiculously wealthy through life-ruining games. 

The biggest turn-off for most viewers is Nobuyuki Fukumoto's artstyle. The characters are pretty darn ugly, I admit that, and women seldom appear in his popular works, but don't let either of these prevent you from indulging in this sausagefest of well-written drama and strong psychological emphasis on character development. Kaiji's efforts to free himself from debt are filled with moments of intensity amplified a hundredfold by the voice of Tachiki as the show's narrator (The guy's so good that you'll watch the fucking recap just to hear more of his voice.) There are currently two seasons of Kaiji, but I'd recommend watching the second set of 26 episodes first. It's so much better than the first that a live-action film was produced during it's original run. Prepare yourself for numerous scenes where nothing happens, yet you'll still be on the edge of your seat. Anime mindfucking at its best.

If this sounds interesting, then I'd also recommend Akagi, another psychological gambling series by Fukumoto, but there's a significantly different story being told here, about a guy who is considerably different from Kaiji, and it revolves solely around the game of mahjong.

Ok, I think that's more than enough for one terrible blog. Nice to leave my comfort zone of video games and go into other interests once in a while. I think this turned out tolerably. All that's left for me to do now is stand, say a "Thank you" or two, and take a bow for my readers no one. I have no one.

Anyways, thanks

*Bows*

Shuffle Time is Money

*Below is an update*

Sick of feeding candy to Wolverine in order to restore a mere 50 HP while Dr. Robotnik tries to take over the Mushroom Kingdom with puyos and gems that release magical attacks when lined up? This shit makes more sense than flinging bird torsos at Jinga blocks and pork balls, but not more sense than remastering Krazy Kreatures for my 3DS, so why isn't that a thing? At least Tetris Attack the handheld. No? I'll settle for Pokemon Puzzle League. Still no? Oh, there's Trozei, but that's kinda boring with how every stage feels the same, and you could beat it while drunk off your ass. It's lack of challenge fits right in with the difficulty of most other Pokemon games that don't include "Stadium" or "Colosseum" in the title. Then again, those two were not so much difficult as they were outright cheap and annoying. I know Hard Mode is supposed to be hard, but that doesn't mean moves like Body Slam should come with a 100% chance status effect against my team, while my own attacks have an increased chance of missing. When a Nidoking can miraculously manhandle my Starmie with minimal damage, that's a justifiable reason to call bullshit on the whole thing, isn't it?

After purchasing my handy dandy New 3DS XL, I went right back to my old 3DS to play Nintendo's newest step towards becoming a soulless gaming company, Pokemon Shuffle. Shuffle is basically Trozei, but it's not mind-numbingly simple. If it was, what excuse would there be to purchase jewels with my money? Didn't know you could purchase jewels with real cash? Perhaps you merely forgot. No worries there, because Shuffle will remind you after every game with tips like, "You can earn coins by playing the game, or by using jewels," or "If you run out of jewels, buy more in the Nintendo eShop," and, "You're never gonna catch'em all with a proper S ranking if you don't start purchasing all the expensive power-ups with the coins and jewels that you get from the eShop, you cheap bastard!" To put the price of items into perspective, one can earn 100 coins from completing a standard puzzle, or 300 from an expert puzzle, the first time. After that, it's only 30 coins. The exceptions to this involve a wealthy Meowth who is available during the weekends, along with the standard Meowth stage that allows for a much smaller reward, but, hey, it's better than the chump change you're getting otherwise. Lastly, your best opportunity comes with the daily check-in bonus of 500 coins (1000 every 10 days). So with all these small lumps of cash, what can a player buy to improve his chances of catching a Pokemon?

Thankfully, there are many stages with only one or two of these power-ups available, because using something like a disruption delay or a complexity -1 will actually do nothing against certain Pokemon.

Scary times are ahead.

Ok, so it has already been established by numerous others that this is a freemium title, and the most obvious flaw here is going to be the game's reliance upon microtransactions, but Shuffle, for the most part, is actually fun to play. There are a few stages that blantantly demand your coins, but those frustrations are the minority.

Ermahgerd, it's teh legundayre Merptwo!

As one can see, it's your standard match 3 puzzle game with Pokemon mechanics (and asshole-ish limiters) mixed in. Playing a stage requires the use of one heart, and each heart takes 30 minutes to replenish. There's a five-heart limit for freebies, but that shouldn't surprise anyone. A team for each stage consists of four critters (sometimes three) with one potential mega evolution among them. Only the first Pokemon in the group can mega evolve, and one must have the stone to do it. These are won through defeating the mega evolution trainers that a player will periodically battle against, while a few are won through competitve online play. The most recent one (as of this post) was for Blastoisinite. The top 20000 scores earned one, while the rest received a single jewel. That doesn't sound too difficult, does it? There were over 196,000 participates for that event. I don't know how I actually managed to win one for my Blastoise.

When choosing Pokemon, there is a convenient button to "Optimize" your team. This takes type and power into consideration, but not abilities.

Attack Power and a Mega Evolution doesn't amount to much if the stage is only six turns in length and littered with disruptions. Disruptions, by the way, can take the forms of breakable blocks, ice, unbreakable blocks, black clouds, and garbage Pokemon, which are usually ineffective against your target. While most stages are set by a specific number of moves, the expert stages help to mix things up by allowing the player to move Pokemon anywhere he wants, and as many times as he wants, within a time limit. The sooner you defeat a Pokemon, the higher your ranking. and a higher rank means a higher catching percentage.

Unfortunately, this usually doesn't help as much as it should. Even if a player manages to successfully complete a stage with a perfect selection of moves, the chances of capture are STILL going to be below 50% for just about anything worth having. What Shuffle offers in these situations is the Great Ball. For 2500 coins, you can double your odds of catching that Merptwo that the game constantly reminds you about, because it would be a super effective teammate to have against that Manutz you've struggled to beat, but what good is doubling 15%? Who really wants to piss away that many coins for less than a coin flip's chance of success? Shame on you, Nintendo. Shame. *wags finger*

For what it's worth, Pokemon Shuffle is a wonderful break from playing an actual game on the 3DS. Nintendo keeps it fresh with daily/weekly events, and the music is catchy. It's still freemium, of course, and the limitations turn it into shit, but it's delightful shit!

Delightfully... evil... shit.

Updated (9-8-15)

Not surprisingly, higher levels are bloated with health, including the adorably worthless catches, like Mime Jr. and Starly. Even with a full team of max-leveled monsters doling out super effective attacks, each hit has minimal effect. It's disheartening to watch a Gothita shrug off shots from a Mega Gengar. To add insult, disruptions are exceptionally precise. If reducing your best offense to little more than chip damage isn't enough, imagine using a turn or two to set up a decent combo only to watch it immediately turn to shit at that moment. This sort of thing completely ruins the puzzle mechanic, and being reminded that one should spend money to prevent this... but I would like to make a correction.

I've been pointing my Wright finger in the wrong direction. While the company may have a large chunk of stock (I read something about it being a third), Nintendo does not actually own Pokemon. It's similar to when they were tied together with Rare and its games, until Microsoft took over. Pokemon Shuffle is not Nintendo's product. It belongs to The Pokemon Company, an affiliate, not a subsidiary, of Nintendo. *In other words, Big N doesn't call the shots.* I aplogize for blaming Nintendo directly. Thank you for not turning into every other major gaming developer... yet. (Hopefully never.)