Why not?

I felt like doing something marginally different.

Anime is a catch-all term for Japanese animation. It's commonly recognized by the big eyes, entire mouths on one side of the face, teenagers with the curves and muscle mass of adults, and numerous cost-cutting techniques one would expect from an independent artist hoping to showcase his potential through Newgrounds, Vimeo, Youtube, Dailymotion, and DeviantArt.While many western shows rely upon similar tactics, they don't come with the sort of obsessive fanbase anime has thrived upon since Dragonball Z and Sailor Moon. Yes, there have been plenty of others before them, but Gigantor, Voltron, Speed Racer, Astro Boy, and so on, did little more than create a semi-strong following for themselves, rather than for the industry outside of Japan. For the older folks, we can thank movies like Akira, Vampire Hunter D, and Ninja Scroll (I know what you are thinking, but many didn't even realize Studio Ghibli movies were anime. This misunderstanding was shared with Pokemon.) They did their part, though, again, not to the extent that led to the development of entire television blocks like Toonami and Ani-Monday, along with various, well-established websites offering fan-subbed bootleg content. Now, nearly everything is reasonably attainable, and a handful of these illegal sites have gone straight with legal distribution funded through advertisement and membership fees. By the way, this is me clarifying my comments about DBZ and SM's impact upon, at least, the American market for anime. I can't really speak, nor type, for other countries. If I'm wrong, and probably am, you're welcomed to correct me. If anyone's curious, my first experience with anime is found on an earlier post. Since nobody is, I'll move on to my point.

Crunchyroll is an excellent provider of legal anime, manga, and drama, and comes with the conveniences of online shopping and news relating to the media. It also provides the opportunity for users to post their own reviews of the content, which others can then rate as being either helpful or not helpful. Anyone who has suffered through my blog before already knows where I'm going with this, so I'll just skip it and move on to posting a handful of my own where it can be criticized by those with an opinion I might actually give a shit about. Just kidding.

Nagi-Asu: A Lull in the Sea / Anohana

People came out of the ocean, liked what they saw, and stayed. Others didn't. Now we've got human beings and merfolk that actually look identical to human beings, except they must keep themselves moist (with porn). Due to a diminishing population of water babies, four teenagers watch as their school closes its doors for good, forcing them to attend classes on land. They befriend a surface dweller of the same age by accident when the klutz of the bunch is caught up in one of the stranger's nets. It's an over-the-top bullshit coincidence scenario being used to make these characters into instant friends because a decent story would have required the same minimal amount of creativity and effort that many in Japan throughout the world are too lazy to apply to their work. The kid's grandfather used to live in the sea, but gave up his ena (a membrane of sorts that allows these folk to live and breathe in the sea) to be with a woman on land. No one has ever regained their ena after making this decision, and many have left the seas to pursue these mixed relationships. This provides sound reasoning for why those living underwater have dwindled in numbers and why the school had to shut down. The issue is never addressed, however, as Nagi-Asu only wants to focus upon fictional characters (primarily teenagers) falling in love.

The problems with this story really don't show themselves until the audience is made aware of everyone's feelings for one another. As is commonplace with teenage romance in anime, every main character seems to be attracted to another main character who is also attracted to a main character, but none of these main characters share this attraction with those who are attracted to them. Sounds complicated, but this isn't really a big deal, because all anyone has to do is communicate their feelings and the confusion will sort itself out in no time!

As if that wasn't bad enough, it becomes clear that the creators of this ludicrous storyline believed an unlikely puppy love pentagon wasn't a desperate enough attempt to stretch out Nagi-Asu over the span of 26 episodes, so they resorted to the ol' No-One-Says-A-Fucking-Thing-Until-The-End plot. Yes, whenever it seems as though things could finally come out into the open, relieving our cast of fear, stress, and confusion, one of them starts crying (usually that bitch in the picture), and runs away. "No time to talk now, merpeople! We need to chase after her!" Once in a while, no one flees, and, instead, a third person might show up suddenly to butt in, or perhaps a disaster occurs, but, whatever it is, every action taken will result in the worst possible outcome, thereby pushing the length of the series in order to sell another overpriced volume on DVD and Blu-Ray. With shotty decision making, the romance turns into a love heptagon, possibly because the unrequited feelings shared between only five people is just too believeable for the audience to tolerate any longer. I know I was beginning to grow bored with it. There's also this world-cooling phenomenon creating a never-ending winter of salt snow, but, as usual, the power of pure love can fix that, too, because who knows more about romance than kids?

I didn't care for Nagi-Asu. It's obvious that the intent here wasn't to tell a great story, but to make people emotional. Crying viewers are buying viewers, after all. Same deal with another shallow tearjerker, Anohana. Both present themselves with idiocy that leaves a thinker irritated and wanting to scream at the monitor:

"Just fucking say something already!"
"So, none of the adults here are going to be responsible in this situation?"
"You're all fourteen years old! What the Hell do any of you know about... anything?!"

With Anohana, it was even more baffling. Menma's a ghost, so no one except Jintan can see or hear her. Makes sense so far. Yet, Menma can move things around, bake, and even has weight. With those factors in mind, and common sense, why does it take so long for Jintan to convince everyone else that Menma has returned? The whole "The feels are real!" garbage people constantly apply to shows like these is bullshit. How am I suppose to feel for something that has clearly been half-assed in its creation for no better reason than profit?

"Ok, everyone, fuck the details! From start to finish, I want this to be sad and futile! Create a two-dimension character, give him an episode showcasing some friendless, dead-mom childhood where he shuts himself off from the rest of the world. Then, slowly bring him out into the open with the help of some cute girl his age, then have the sad fucker, or the girl, die off heroically, from an accident, or through some misunderstanding... whatever! I don't care! Dead equals money."

Here ya go, everyone! Animate my totally original idea into a 12-episode series on a mediocre budget, sell it for over $115 on Blu-ray, and I'll take no more than a mere 5% in the profit. If the distributors claim the price is too high, include a poster and one of those papercraft figures, then call it a "special edition." Just remember to pay me my share.

I'm no fan of the genre, but I'd recommend Angel Beats or Clannad, instead, if you really want this sort of thing.

Akame Ga Kill!

Here's a wonderful example of how an action-centered anime should be told... for about half its run.

A minor deviation from the manga, but I'm sure a handful noticed and appreciated the +1 in bust size for all the ladies, even if it didn't make much of a difference for Mine.

Akame ga Kill! centers around Imperial Arms consisting of 48 legendary weapons, creatures, and accessories that grant a variety of powers to their owners. I think one of them is even the father of some energetic blonde-headed kid, but who really cares about the details of some spin-off series? When two or more of these individuals battle, it's almost a guarantee that only one will survive. This sets the series up in a similar fashion to Basilisk, with each new death becoming significantly less impactful. In fact, near the end, it actually borders on being downright obnoxious. Pointless. Excessive. Shows like Shiki, Monster, and even Gantz, may fall within the same genre of Akame's "Kill'em all!" variation of tragedy, but there's a meaningful resolution to look forward to with each of these in one way or another. They provided a sense of satisfaction I could not find after finishing White Fox's adaptation. This show is a major letdown for anyone expecting more from it than shameless tearbait.

Want death done right in an action series? Check out some of the other shows I just mentioned, or, better yet, watch Madhouse's 2011 remake of Hunter x Hunter. Best action anime series ever. 

I would like to recommend Neon Genesis Evangelion, but it's not that everyone died so much as they were willingly turned into Tang and mixed together into a sphere held by a giant, naked woman whose head falls off and crashes into the planet as an unsettling piece of music plays in the background. Perhaps that's the sort of thing you're into. I just know most want nothing to do with Tang, as it's not a very tasty drink.  

Kill la Kill

It's Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann with a female protagonist, best friend, and arch rival. Plenty of Gainaxing and hot-tempered conversation that concludes with an insane final battle.

Tengen Toppa Gurren Lagann

It's Kill la Kill with a male protagonist, best friend, and arch rival. Plenty of Gainaxing and hot-tempered conversation that concludes with an insane final battle.

Queen's Blade

Ass. Titties. Ass 'n titties. Ass. Ass. Titties. Titties. Ass 'n titties... with fighting.

Seitokai Yakuindomo

Revolving around an uninspired cast of plain anime characters (*cough* I'd like to further point out that none of them are interesting), Seitokai Yakuindomo is little more than a ho-hum comedy that feeds heavily upon low-hanging fruit, especially bananas.

In their defense, SYD only makes this comparison one other time.

Ok, so two more times.

Fine. Three more times.

Well, at least they thought of it first.

Ok, but they did change it up once in a while by replacing the banana with a popsicle. Practically a brand new joke with that, right? Right?! Why won't you respond to me!

Older shows, like Ranma ½ and Urusei Yatsura, are given a pass, simply because they helped shape much of the popular content commonly found in anime comedies, though neither should have run for as long as they did. As for the rest, and I'm sure to catch flak for this, I recommend avoiding the mediocrity emanating from Haiyore! Nyaruko-san, YuruYuri, Sparrow's Hotel, Bobobo-bo bo-bobo, DearS, MM!, and Ookami-san to Shichinin no Nakama-tachi. Obviously, I include Seitokai Yakuindomo in this bunch. Boring stock personalities spend twenty minutes each episode regurgitating dirty jokes from middle school. Here's the punchline for nearly every attempt at humor: "I'm comparing this to sex." Granted, I'm no fan of Gintama either, especially when it decides to reference some other media in the laziest, most obvious fashion possible, but there's variety in those jokes. SYD just keeps going back for more from the same well of perversion it's been drawing from since it began. After the first season, I can admit that I did laugh at one joke. One, and it was quickly ruined when some dipshit at the studio decided, "Hey, that was mildly humorous. At the end of this same episode, have them do the joke again. It'll be one of those call-back jokes that comedians like to use, but we'll build the whole thing up again so everyone sees it coming a mile away. That'll make it better!"

The one time I actually laughed, and SYD fucked it up.

Yeah!
-_-

I think what really bugs me about it enough to waste time blogging anime reviews is that SYD feels like the equivalent of some loser getting up on stage during amateur night at the Chuckle Hut only to read off one-liners and knock-knock garbage from a book he picked up while buying groceries. Even if there are people who will laugh at what they hear, it's not his content. It's not even an admirable attempt to put a spin on that content. Just one stale line followed by another. It's like watching another Pokemon flash about the trainer being attacked by swarms of zubats, figuring out why a fire type cannot burn trees that must be cut in order to clear the path, and having Professor Oak ask about the player's gender. Thing is, those animations are still being made, and SYD was given another season to do the same.

Want my recommendations for alternative comedy? Then why in the world are you reading this to begin with?! Nuts to you all! I'm gonna provide them anyhow ...Buncha assholes comin' here for no better reason than to tell me I ain't allowed to express myself like that.

Mitsudomoe, Level E, Yondemasu yo, Azazel-san, and Nichijou

It's important to acknowledge those who also ventured into SYD's genre and managed to not only maintain their dignity, but also molded their own, more interesting styles doing it.

It's amazing to me that a series like Mitsudomoe can center around a cast of hideous, underaged girls, then prove itself to be exceptionally perverted and entertaining, a combination that fails more often than not in the industry. More amazing is that its humor relies heavily upon misunderstandings and a lack of communication, and I don't despise it for that. Similar to Nagi-Asu in that aspect alone, this idiot plot of sixth graders is surprisingly well thought out (most of the time). Each bit tends to play out in a similar fashion: a simple, relatively dumb conversation begins, both parties are talking about something different, and, as with most shows, it should end with that. Mitsudomoe isn't content to score the first down, however. In many situations, they mad dash to a metaphorical end zone that the viewer probably didn't even think existed. At one point, a conversation about the show's version of the Power Rangers resulted in a male classmate pulling his teacher's pants down to impress the youngest of the triplets. A relatively tame example to share, but why ruin the good stuff?

Mitsudomoe was green lit for a second, shorter season, though I admit that most of it failed to live up to the first. I'd still recommend watching those eight episodes though, because the best these girls have to offer is found within it, and it more than compensates. Also, I'm a sucker for the exceptionally loving bond these girls share with their commonly-mistaken-for-a-pedophile father. It's heartwarming.

That line represents Level E to a T (let the terrible joke sink in for a second)

From the guy who graced us with YuYu Hakusho and Hunter X Hunter comes a short-lived story about a handsome alien prince who manipulates/ruins the lives of a variety of people for his own amusement. Never anything drastically harmful. Just childish and obnoxious. The episodes don't connect with one another too well, and it's not the usually "bonk you over the head" stupid stuff many have come to expect from the industry. As a result, I doubt many will appreciate Togashi's quirky humor, but he brings something else to the genre that anime sorely lacks. For that, I applaud his efforts.  

Yondemasuyo, Azazel-san is beyond dumb. The strong majority of the time, the animation looks excessively dreadful, even for the sake of comedy. In fact, I'm fairly certain that nearly the entire budget for the show went into the few scenes showcasing the true forms of those demons while five-year-olds were paid in candy to doodle abominations for the rest of the series.

Gorgeous!

The content is degrading and offensive to a point of absolute stupidity. The story has to do with demons being used by humans while angels hunt them down, but both are portrayed poorly, and even the all-powerful god in charge of these angels is little more than another perv with a love for penis jokes. The only one to be taken seriously throughout the series is Akutabe, the detective who is feared by every demon foolish enough to defy him, but, as the series continues, it's worth noting that his assistant slowly becomes increasingly terrifying, as well.

Here's the thing about all of this, Azazel-san doesn't merely pick the low-hanging fruit. It also picks up the partially-rotted bits that have long fallen from that tree. It's a uniquely enjoyable experience for you funny lovers, unless you're easily offended. One of these demons has the ability to make people shit themselves. It's that sort of humor.

Straightforward stuff.

Nichijou does everything right in a comedy. Ok, most everything.

~A pair of fast-paced openings by Hyadain. Hyadain. Hyadain. Fun stuff.
~A relaxing collection of endings
~A strong variety of characters
~A mixture of comedy that ranges from simple to complex to "Why the fuck is that man wrestling a deer in the middle of the school yard?"
~A budget that allows Keiichi Arawi's creativity to properly shine for even the most extreme and outlandish moments
~A defining art style. Granted, nearly all the characters seem to be decorated variations of the same template.

An adorable template!

Also, Hyadain.

Nichijou is slice of life alternating between the antics of a trio of high school girls and the odd relationship of a child genius, a talking cat, and their wind-up android caretaker. Need I type more about it? How about this: even those blue twintails and wooden blocks in that image provide additional, bizarre content.

Kuuchuu Buranko

From December 17 to December 25, a screwball with a fetish for needle injections helps his patients deal with a variety of psychological problems by having a frowny nurse in a sexy pink outfit administer vitamin shots that change the patients' heads into those of animals. The serious and silly aspects of their disorders are displayed through an assortment of animation styles, and each person shows up for a guest appearance in the episodes of other characters. 

Sounds fantastic, I know, but it is a product of Toei Animation, so don't expect too much visually. That studio absolutely hates spending money on quality animation. One Piece, Sailor Moon and, recently, World Trigger are prime examples of that.

Setting aside Toei's shit-poor reputation, I loved watching Welcome to Irabu's Office. I'm a fan of psychological content and a sucker for colors. Lots of colors. And this show has them all over the place. It's as if the creator of this universe threw up after suffering from a severe case of crayon-related Pica (Red's the best flavor, of course). I understand that this isn't really the sort of the thing that appeals to many within the anime community, but the Irabu series has been recreated as a live-action series, a movie, and as a play. That counts for something, doesn't it?

Gyakkyō Burai Kaiji

Ending this garbage with something else a bit different, Kaiji is a long-running series about a gambler who suffers through more ups and downs than Okano Natsumi on an elevator-themed rollercoaster through Gravity Man's stage. Punished heavily for his mistakes (good and bad), Kaiji is a man who experiences firsthand how terrible human beings can be while entertaining the ridiculously wealthy through life-ruining games. 

The biggest turn-off for most viewers is Nobuyuki Fukumoto's artstyle. The characters are pretty darn ugly, I admit that, and women seldom appear in his popular works, but don't let either of these prevent you from indulging in this sausagefest of well-written drama and strong psychological emphasis on character development. Kaiji's efforts to free himself from debt are filled with moments of intensity amplified a hundredfold by the voice of Tachiki as the show's narrator (The guy's so good that you'll watch the fucking recap just to hear more of his voice.) There are currently two seasons of Kaiji, but I'd recommend watching the second set of 26 episodes first. It's so much better than the first that a live-action film was produced during it's original run. Prepare yourself for numerous scenes where nothing happens, yet you'll still be on the edge of your seat. Anime mindfucking at its best.

If this sounds interesting, then I'd also recommend Akagi, another psychological gambling series by Fukumoto, but there's a significantly different story being told here, about a guy who is considerably different from Kaiji, and it revolves solely around the game of mahjong.

Ok, I think that's more than enough for one terrible blog. Nice to leave my comfort zone of video games and go into other interests once in a while. I think this turned out tolerably. All that's left for me to do now is stand, say a "Thank you" or two, and take a bow for my readers no one. I have no one.

Anyways, thanks

*Bows*

Shuffle Time is Money

*Below is an update*

Sick of feeding candy to Wolverine in order to restore a mere 50 HP while Dr. Robotnik tries to take over the Mushroom Kingdom with puyos and gems that release magical attacks when lined up? This shit makes more sense than flinging bird torsos at Jinga blocks and pork balls, but not more sense than remastering Krazy Kreatures for my 3DS, so why isn't that a thing? At least Tetris Attack the handheld. No? I'll settle for Pokemon Puzzle League. Still no? Oh, there's Trozei, but that's kinda boring with how every stage feels the same, and you could beat it while drunk off your ass. It's lack of challenge fits right in with the difficulty of most other Pokemon games that don't include "Stadium" or "Colosseum" in the title. Then again, those two were not so much difficult as they were outright cheap and annoying. I know Hard Mode is supposed to be hard, but that doesn't mean moves like Body Slam should come with a 100% chance status effect against my team, while my own attacks have an increased chance of missing. When a Nidoking can miraculously manhandle my Starmie with minimal damage, that's a justifiable reason to call bullshit on the whole thing, isn't it?

After purchasing my handy dandy New 3DS XL, I went right back to my old 3DS to play Nintendo's newest step towards becoming a soulless gaming company, Pokemon Shuffle. Shuffle is basically Trozei, but it's not mind-numbingly simple. If it was, what excuse would there be to purchase jewels with my money? Didn't know you could purchase jewels with real cash? Perhaps you merely forgot. No worries there, because Shuffle will remind you after every game with tips like, "You can earn coins by playing the game, or by using jewels," or "If you run out of jewels, buy more in the Nintendo eShop," and, "You're never gonna catch'em all with a proper S ranking if you don't start purchasing all the expensive power-ups with the coins and jewels that you get from the eShop, you cheap bastard!" To put the price of items into perspective, one can earn 100 coins from completing a standard puzzle, or 300 from an expert puzzle, the first time. After that, it's only 30 coins. The exceptions to this involve a wealthy Meowth who is available during the weekends, along with the standard Meowth stage that allows for a much smaller reward, but, hey, it's better than the chump change you're getting otherwise. Lastly, your best opportunity comes with the daily check-in bonus of 500 coins (1000 every 10 days). So with all these small lumps of cash, what can a player buy to improve his chances of catching a Pokemon?

Thankfully, there are many stages with only one or two of these power-ups available, because using something like a disruption delay or a complexity -1 will actually do nothing against certain Pokemon.

Scary times are ahead.

Ok, so it has already been established by numerous others that this is a freemium title, and the most obvious flaw here is going to be the game's reliance upon microtransactions, but Shuffle, for the most part, is actually fun to play. There are a few stages that blantantly demand your coins, but those frustrations are the minority.

Ermahgerd, it's teh legundayre Merptwo!

As one can see, it's your standard match 3 puzzle game with Pokemon mechanics (and asshole-ish limiters) mixed in. Playing a stage requires the use of one heart, and each heart takes 30 minutes to replenish. There's a five-heart limit for freebies, but that shouldn't surprise anyone. A team for each stage consists of four critters (sometimes three) with one potential mega evolution among them. Only the first Pokemon in the group can mega evolve, and one must have the stone to do it. These are won through defeating the mega evolution trainers that a player will periodically battle against, while a few are won through competitve online play. The most recent one (as of this post) was for Blastoisinite. The top 20000 scores earned one, while the rest received a single jewel. That doesn't sound too difficult, does it? There were over 196,000 participates for that event. I don't know how I actually managed to win one for my Blastoise.

When choosing Pokemon, there is a convenient button to "Optimize" your team. This takes type and power into consideration, but not abilities.

Attack Power and a Mega Evolution doesn't amount to much if the stage is only six turns in length and littered with disruptions. Disruptions, by the way, can take the forms of breakable blocks, ice, unbreakable blocks, black clouds, and garbage Pokemon, which are usually ineffective against your target. While most stages are set by a specific number of moves, the expert stages help to mix things up by allowing the player to move Pokemon anywhere he wants, and as many times as he wants, within a time limit. The sooner you defeat a Pokemon, the higher your ranking. and a higher rank means a higher catching percentage.

Unfortunately, this usually doesn't help as much as it should. Even if a player manages to successfully complete a stage with a perfect selection of moves, the chances of capture are STILL going to be below 50% for just about anything worth having. What Shuffle offers in these situations is the Great Ball. For 2500 coins, you can double your odds of catching that Merptwo that the game constantly reminds you about, because it would be a super effective teammate to have against that Manutz you've struggled to beat, but what good is doubling 15%? Who really wants to piss away that many coins for less than a coin flip's chance of success? Shame on you, Nintendo. Shame. *wags finger*

For what it's worth, Pokemon Shuffle is a wonderful break from playing an actual game on the 3DS. Nintendo keeps it fresh with daily/weekly events, and the music is catchy. It's still freemium, of course, and the limitations turn it into shit, but it's delightful shit!

Delightfully... evil... shit.

Updated (9-8-15)

Not surprisingly, higher levels are bloated with health, including the adorably worthless catches, like Mime Jr. and Starly. Even with a full team of max-leveled monsters doling out super effective attacks, each hit has minimal effect. It's disheartening to watch a Gothita shrug off shots from a Mega Gengar. To add insult, disruptions are exceptionally precise. If reducing your best offense to little more than chip damage isn't enough, imagine using a turn or two to set up a decent combo only to watch it immediately turn to shit at that moment. This sort of thing completely ruins the puzzle mechanic, and being reminded that one should spend money to prevent this... but I would like to make a correction.

I've been pointing my Wright finger in the wrong direction. While the company may have a large chunk of stock (I read something about it being a third), Nintendo does not actually own Pokemon. It's similar to when they were tied together with Rare and its games, until Microsoft took over. Pokemon Shuffle is not Nintendo's product. It belongs to The Pokemon Company, an affiliate, not a subsidiary, of Nintendo. *In other words, Big N doesn't call the shots.* I aplogize for blaming Nintendo directly. Thank you for not turning into every other major gaming developer... yet. (Hopefully never.)

Every day's great in Golden 4!

Prior to my arrival, I was greeted by a goblin crackhead and his bitch who talked to me about cards, relationships, and how proud he is to be, and I quote, "tapping dat sweet piece of ass." Margaret then blushed, mumbled something about a nose job, and, before both could undress, I woke up on the train in a cold sweat realizing I had wet myself during the nightmare. Fortunately, the only two to see me were a sword-wielding Hey, Arnold! who couldn't form a single insulting word to respond with, but snickered enough for me to understand what he wanted to say, and a blue cat who stood directly in front of me and stared into my soul with a giant pair of frightening, lifeless eyes. His view slowly moved downward to the stain on my pants, and the cat promptly asked, "Are you a boy or a girl?" Considering my previous ride in Japan involved acid rain, zombie leech swarms, and a coal-powered robot with an odd obsession for credit cards, I can't say that the experience was all that surprising. Plus, who doesn't love riding with a math panda? ...especially when she is consumed by the leeches.

Moments after reaching my destination, I quickly left with my uncle and his daughter, stopping only for a moment to tell some bitch to give me back my paper, to visit one of the many popular sites of Inaba, the gas station. I found it odd that one of the employees actually came over to chat and even shook my hand. So, there you all go. Foreshadowing. It's too obvious to be a spoiler, because who would really believe a worthless background character would run up to me and waste time with small talk otherwise? What one should be asking is, "Who is this final boss sort of person," and, "What kind of last battle role will she play in the near future?" After shaking hands with the human form of Izanami, I suddenly became dizzy and pissed my pants again. This is a recurring trend, so I figured it was best to buy as much armor and as many uniforms to change into throughout the trip.

Having unpacked my stuff, I was given the options to stare at the calendar and go to sleep. So I stared, then I went upstairs to further stare at another calendar. I have two calendars. Exausted from staring and peeing, I collapsed in my bed and dreamt about a shadow clone of myself, along with a talking ostrich and an army of mothers searching for a beetle that reeked of butt gas. It's what every Japanese boy dreams about: a normal life.

Soon after I left the house to start my first day of school, my life completely changed. No, literally. Every day was chopped into three periods: Morning, After School, and Evening. No matter what I wanted to do (go out for lunch, talk to a friend, poop), it would take several hours to do it, especially when it came to walking through that the front door. I once left my History book on the kitchen table, turned back to get it before school started, and Nanako was already in the kitchen preparing dinner. Multitasking be damned, I suppose, but as long as I'm not pressured to associate with too many individuals, I should be ok 'til next Spring...

Well... fuckles.

Disregarding the homeroom teacher (presumably a reject from the Bleach series), I was greeted by two attractive girls of opposing stock personalities who offered to show me around the area. After a boring conversation about pots and clothes, we agreed on a ménage à trois at the Amagi Inn. I think the girl in the red (Yukiko) owns the place, or something like that. I really wasn't paying attention to what was said, because I was preoccupied with staring at the green one (Chie) most of the time. They mentioned how this was the one notable thing about the town, which explains why so many people were friendly to me. Before I could indulge in the glory of Inaba, however, I was stopped by my uncle and a group of onlookers being held back by the local police. A crooked antenna was driving everyone crazy and, from what I was told, a woman died trying to fix it.

Uh, what are you talking about? I saw the body before you did during the opening video. Dumbass.

Having killed the mood (only for them, of course), we all went our separate ways. Nanako sang the Junes slogan again, and I backhanded her for it. Then we went to bed.

The next day, another person with a unique portrait greeted me at school, so he's instantly significant. Yukiko had to go back to the inn, leaving me with Chie and this new guy, Yosuke. Having learned about the most notable aspect of Inaba yesterday, I realized this group was not going to work out... too much Y... so I tried to change the topic, but Chie went into a conversation about soulmates, then looked at Yosuke and myself, and, when I saw a smile form on Yosuke's face, it was time to go. The grilled steak made me sick, too. After I was done in the bathroom, I decided to lie down and watch some TV. The screen was dirty, so I got out of bed to wipe it off and my hand went right through it. I though, "This was exactly what I was looking for!" I now had the perfect excuse for tomorrow: "Soulmates? with you and Yosuke? No, no, no, no, no. We need to figure out how my television developed a llamalike taste for human hands." The excuse worked on one of them, at least. Chie seemed set on dropping the matter, but Yosuke...

He's got other plans for  us  me.

My next idea was a bit more drastic. Pretending to give a shit about him, I led Yosuke to believe that if he impressed me with his job at Junes, we could become the closest of friends. The bestest of buddies. We could be like Banjo and Kazooie, or Link and Navi... or whatever. I then shoved his sorry ass into the largest television screen within the electronics department and headed back to the food court to meet up with Chie. Exhibiting the trademark patience commonly associated with a teenager sporting Moe Howard's signature bowl cut during his later years as the bassist for the Ramones, I returned to our table to find splatterings of blood, flesh, and A-1 sauce all over the place. Realizing a morbidly obese future for this girl, I decided to go after Yosuke, hoping to use him in the future as a cockblock against this green Basculin while I turned my attention towards wooing her red, giggly counterpart.

Obvious Call of Duty reference.

It took a while, but I eventually found Yosuke sulking in one of the hacked areas of the Archives stage. After listening to him whine for roughly five minutes about one of his opponents using Oddjob, I decided to corrupt the rest of the match by leaving everyone else in an eternal state of Geddan. Satisfied with the results, Yosuke finally agreed to accompany me back to our world. This, however, proved itself to be more difficult than we had anticipated. Fortunately, we ran into one of the local bearman dolls who gladly provided us with directions soon after we tied him to a chair and forced him to watch us dance to the tune of Stuck in the Middle with You. I can only assume the intense fear in his eyes was a direct result of the song itself, further solidifying my belief that the '70s is, indeed, considered to be the worst decade for music within the last thirty years. Soon after we got home, Yosuke and I hopped online and played Splatoon together on our Nokia 3DFXL 2600s until it was time to sleep.

The next day, another woman was hanging upside down from an antenna. She was too high for anyone to spot the color of her panties, so no one cared. After school, we decided to go back to the other world in hopes of finding some answers. Moments after we arrived, the same bearman doll pointed one of his claws in our direction, screamed, "OBJECTION!" and proceeded to accuse us of murdering what's her face... dumb bitch. Fortunately, Yosuke and I had already prepared an opening statement for our defense. We beat him in the face with golf clubs until our arms were too tired to continue, then we kicked him repeatedly. After a few minutes, he surrendered two pairs of goggles. They did nothing, so we kicked him a few more times and spat on his face.

Remember, it's impolite to point at others.

Leaving the bear to rot, Yosuke and I explored a bit and discovered a shopping center filled with flying logos of the Rolling Stones. It wasn't long before we were spotted, surrounded, and assaulted with Fool To Cry.While Yosuke begged them for death, thoughts of the Electriclarryland cover came to mind as I searched my pockets for a well-sharpened pencil. When it seemed as if all hope was lost, the song ended, and the Jaggergobs floated away. Afterwards, I turned a tarot card into Izanagi. I would have done it sooner, but I didn't have a spirit monster in my hand to banish.

While investigating the shopping center, we came upon somebody who looked just like a worthless piece of shit Yosuke.

And with that, we returned home. Riveting stuff, no?

Jiraiya: "What about me?"

Along the way, I saw Yukiko sitting at the picnic table near the flood plain. I asked her, "Sex?" She responded with, "It's that time of the month for me," then, after a brief pause, she clarified with, "No." Nanako and I watched the news, saw Yukiko being interviewed, washed the dishes, and unlocked a screen specifically to check on my status... forever single. Like I needed a fucking screen to remind me of tha...

The next day, Yosuke and I met on the way to school to discuss what had happened. He said his other self had a larger penis, so he blugeoned him to death and shoved the body back into the television world. While doing so, he mentioned something about the shadow of a Yukiko-shaped girl wearing a Yukiko-shaped kimono. Baffled as to who it could be, we proceeded to our classroom, sat down, and were immediated bombarded by Chie with questions (and bits of bacons flying out of her mouth) about Yukiko's whereabouts, as if the only thing I do is stalk her from the bushes around her home between the hours of eight and nine. We figured we'd ask Kujo, or Kurama, or whatever Kuma's name is, if she was hanging around his place. He bit me, so Yosuke and I went inside to pay him another visit.

What's that? You need a doctor "bear"y badly? You're so punny!

We decided to head home and wait for the Midnight Channel to come on for some more information. What we got was a Yukiko-looking princess proudly searching for a man. Clearly, this was not the same girl, because that one wore a kimono, but it was possible that this girl might be a relative, so we agreed to go back early tomorrow and find out for ourselves.

Before heading in, Yosuke figured it would be best to remind ourselves that Adachi is nothing more than a harmless goof. He then turned his head and winked. At what, I don't know. We then met up with Chie and bought weapons at a shop conveniently located near Junes from a guy with no qualms about selling his "art" to minors. If that wasn't cause for concern, the tongues sticking out of his hands certainly were. Then again, no one seemed to question the clay bird parked outside the building, so I didn't think too far into the matter.

Now back in the TV world, our group stood at the front gate of a nondescript castle. Without hesitation, Chie charged in, hoping to rescue her friend in time. The rest of us figured it would be a better idea to prepare ourselves: Teddie provided medicine, I organized our equipment, and Yosuke logged onto Gamefaqs.com. As we made our way through the first floor, shadows continuously got in our way. Seriously, how did Chie avoid all of them? When we reached the second floor, a shadow clone of everyone's favorite kung-fu glutton blocked our path. Chie's second failed attempt to think before acting resulted in a mediocre battle with a dominatrix who turns into Samurai Celty after being defeated. I know it's not really her, but just IMAGINE the sales her appearance would help bring to any game in this already-popular franchise. A Record Breaker in profit for the series, to be sure. (yuk yuk yuk. Not funny)

Moments after obtaining her new Persona, Chie passed out. ...always a hassle with this bitch. Yosuke and I did our best to drag her home, but the sauce stains from her last ravaging at the food court (three pounds of pulled pork, twelve pieces of fried chicken, a beefsteak, and a small child who got too close during the feeding) left her clothes in a greasy state that prevented both of us from maintaining a solid grip for more than a few seconds. I suggested tucking our arms underneath her breasts and ass for better support, then we both laughed. After two hours of lugging our gassy companion halfway across Inaba, we finally reached the doorstep of the Satonaka residence. Neither of us wanted to explain to her parents what had occurred, so we left her body on the doorstep and proceeded to quietly leave before either of them could begin to ask questions. Unfortunately, Mr. Satonaka spotted us from one of the living room windows and demanded to know what had happened to his precious daughter."We were at a party. She couldn't hold her liquor." We then bowed and ran like hell. By Monday morning, Chie was fine and dandy, unlike the other sorry sacks of shit I helped throughout the year. It took days for the each of them to recover. A good night's rest outside the front door and consuming half her weight in red meat was all it took to get our hopping powerhouse back on her feet.

Up until that point, it felt like a greater force was controlling my actions. Now, I was able to go out and do something I wanted to do. I thought that, at least, but the only two people I knew were worried about Yukiko, and I couldn't really justify sitting around on my ass reading books, watching television, and going out to eat while she was still missing. Besides, Inaba's a small place. There was a strong possibility that I would run into somebody who worked at the Amagi Inn, and then I'd have to pretend like I don't know what happened, or provide a few shallow words of comfort, such as, "Don't worry... uh, you. I'm sure she's perfectly fine in that bland-looking castle crawling with monsters," and then he or she would put her or his hand on my shoulder, as if I would ever want to be touched by some nameless NPC, and respond with, "I feel a bit better now. Thank you." Cringing at the thought, I became determined to rescue Chie's femme and called for us to meet up at the food court. Chie was already there terrifying onlookers with her best Luffy impersonation. Along with the drops that I swiped from a recently black-and-blue'd bear, it was smart of me to stock up on soul tomatoes and canned refreshments, because neither is infused with beef, so Chie won't chew through my fingers to get at them prematurely.

A new addition to the TV world included a funtastic demonstration of how various Persona make babies. I found it rather enlightening to witness the passion of two beings give birth to a devil squattin' on a shitter. After two hours of continued demonstrations, I finally emerged from the blue door satisfied and in dire need of a nap. From there, Teddie brought us back to the castle of windows and curtains (but not a single fucking painting!) where Yukiko was trapped. I was a bit peeved at the apprehension I met from Teddie and Yosuke outside the gate. Kuma's sorry ass wasn't fighting, and Yosuke was the one too worried about Yukiko to do anything else. I grabbed the both of them and dragged them into the building with me. Inside, we were met with rather mediocre resistence from the shadowfolk. After coming in contact with Yuki's irritating counterpart, we were greeted by an Avenger Knight with the honorable desire of "wrecking that bitch" after disposing of us. I told him she was still underaged, then recommended checking out the persona sideshow going on back at the Velvet Room. He quickly took off without so much as a "Thank You". I got a Shuffle Time out of it, which became a Sweep Bonus, so his lack of courtsey wasn't a big deal. Finally, we caught up to Yukiko and her shadow se...

I'm not entirely sure what Yukiko was doing with her head under that dress, but I knew which Social Link I was going to work on first.

After they were done, both enjoyed a smoke, then they become one again. Chie ran over to apologize, then both of them made out. Yosuke stared at me for a few moments, then winked. That became the cue for us to leave. Overwhelmed with satisfaction, Yukiko passed out. It took quite a while for her to recover, but she wore a smile on her face the whole time she was resting.

During her recovery, I decided to go online and see what others in my position were doing.

Sigh... yeah. I think I might be done here.

THERE IS NO PART 2! 

Finally caught'em all! ...the ones that mattered, at least.

I never played Ruby and Sapphire, or Diamond, Pearl, Peridot, Aquamarine, Topaz, Y, X, or even X-2, when they introduced Paine.

"Lead, follow, or watch the Let's Play."

I didn't have much desire to do so, either. A co-worker (whose name shall remain secr- Paul... it's Paul), on the other hand, talked fondly about Ruby and Sapphire for introducing double battles, natures, abilities, and a handful of other neat features, including secret bases, which is what Paul was most interested in experiencing with the remakes, Alpha and Omega. Sadly, his dreams of owning both were put on hold as his shitmobile crapped out repeatedly in a diarrhea of fecally breakdowns. There was poo everywhere. Well, the Christmas spirit welled within me, and I bought both games for him. After staring at them like some baconish treat placed in front of a dog's shnoot, he grabbed Omega, but left Alpha with me. He clings to the idea that he'll eventually buy the second game himself, though I highly doubt it. As a result, I've succumbed to another temporary hoarding addiction, somewhat greater than the six-month hiatus I experienced while trying to capture and breed all the available critters in Heartgold. I would like to thank The Online for that.

Unlike Heartgold, this one wasn't a vamped retread for me, so I found myself lost numerous times, mainly because I was too lazy to check the map. In addition to looping around and accepting rematches from NPC trainers, I found myself trying to level up my search function for individual Pokémon. Took a little while to realize that I could click on the portraits to summon a specific Pokémon to try and capture it again. I also learned that this allowed for chaining, gradually increasing the likelihood of a critter possessing an egg move, a hidden ability, and/or higher stats, but it doesn't hang around as long, and letting it get away breaks the streak. It even locates Pokémon that normally require rock smash, fishing rods, or the dive ability to draw out of hiding. This, along with "soaring", helps to rid players of having a HM slave wasting space in their party, but slightly increases the annoyance level of secret bases with restrictive entrances (like mine) that will leave some flag hunters wishing they had brought along that Crawdaunt to help clear the way.

Feel free to visit... if I'm still playing the game.

Bases initially appear as glory holes found in walls, rocks, trees, and bushes all over Hoenn. Having one of your Pokémon stick its Secret Power into these holes will unlock numerous bases with a fair variety of shapes and sizes to choose from. While a popular idea for a secret base may be to create one's own gym, most are content to just toss in whatever decorations they've got on hand to recreate their favorite episode of Hoarding: Buried Alive. I've explored a few well-designed obstacle courses that made me work for their flag, but I've also been completely stopped by many others who have blatantly blocked themselves off for no better reason than to be obnoxious. As for me, I admit that my layout isn't exactly friendly, as I do try to make it somewhat challenging, but you can reach me, and you can reach my flag. I would never deny another player of that no matter how much I might hate him, his obsession with shiny Pokémon, his teams of OU/Uber cookie-cutter builds, his love for Dragon-types (Many prefer to be called "Dragon tamers"), and his strong desire to tell everyone to check out his profile, so that they read the response about his personal secret: "I actually have a girlfriend."

An actual quote found on one of the blackboards I read while visiting a trainer's secret base: noshiny=noob.

Despite the gentler tone of the Pokémon universe (minus a few exceptions here, there, and through strange entries found in the Pokédex), it's still the internet, and people are still assholes for absolutely no justifiable reason. Feel free to apply this warning to every future iteration of Pokémon online as well, because I highly doubt it will change for the better.

Omega and Alpha offers nearly all the bells, whistles, and metaphorical blow jobs a young teenager/socially-inept '00s manchild could ask for outside of a cosplaying Gardevoir...

I'm sure somebody appreciates this, but I don't really care to know who.

Along with the usual experience grinds involving the Elite Four and trainer rematches, collecting flags from secret bases comes with the added perk of battling its leader whose team will consist of the first three critters in his party, ranging from levels 1 through 50, unless they have a Level Release device set up, then that's even better! Yeah... I don't bother. The added experience is nice, but most people are going to have event legendary Pokémon on their team. It's more hassle than it's worth, and there are plenty of other bases, with plenty of other flags to collect. Hell, even if you did visit all of them, then you can just go online and it'll present you with a mailbox update to change out the bases for more people to leech experience from. If that's not enough, there's also the secret pals in your own base to milk, and they are a viable option for battling with the release on, because you already know what they're going to use. Lastly, there's Audino on a couple of mirage spots. That worthless bitch has a high experience yield, appears constantly, and was provided with a mega evolution to further aggravate players as it becomes even more time-consuming to murder during a doubles or triples match, but that has nothing to do with leveling your team. It simply encourages the player to continue doling out punishment upon their kind.

Still more tolerable than a para-flinching Jirachi or anything with the Prankster ability.
Would it be in bad taste to add a dildo in Audino's hand?

Breeding is easier thanks to a second daycare facility run by children (makes sense to me), especially because it is near an ace trainer with the ability to gauge the strengths and weaknesses of each new life brought into the world. Now, players can learn right away whether or not the baby is worth keeping. If not, there's an abortion clinic known as Wonder Trade (or Wurmple Trade) on the PSS menu screen that will efficiently dispose of the nuisance in exchange for a Japanese Ralts, or maybe a Zigzagoon named "Fuke You". The possibilities are endlessly limited (and unrewarding).

Among the positive changes I experienced from playing a "new" Pokémon game, such as mirage spots, mega evolutions, 3D animation, and the super training regimens that effectively control a critter's base stats, the most welcomed (for me, at least) was the introduction of store-bought specialty balls. No longer was I obligated to collect apricots, chose only one type per day, and support Kurt's opium addiction in exchange for his services. In fact, with the money I saved not buying large quantities of poppies from a winged monkey, I was now able to purchase hundreds of Timer and Dusk balls in a reasonable amount of time, and that meant I no longer had to piss away a perfectly good hour of my boring, worthless life clicking the A button to throw 200+ ineffective, unattractive Hyper/Ultra/Lambda/Whatever balls at a paralyzed legendary who will inevitably kill itself struggling, but not before vehemently waving it's junk in my partner's face and constantly laughing at the growing pile of broken mini-prisons lying next to it that cost me $1200 apiece.

While I appreciate many of the added features found with the Pokénav Plus, especially the, uh, little tidbits about each trainer you can have rematches with, I find the Buzznav feature to be relatively pointless. It allows the player to learn about others through StreetPass with various TV shows that focus on what others name their Pokémon, what TMs they've used/ignored, how many times they've searched for hidden items, what they've successfully or failed to capture, what they've recently bought at the store, how quickly they captured a flag, what sort of garbage is being offered on Wonder Trade, and a bunch of other pieces of shit not even worth the effort to pick up and fling back at the dumbasses who thought it was a nifty feature to add to the game in the first place.

Occasionally, one of the commentators will beg for mercy, but I typically change to the PSS menu once the crying begins.

"I wish I could collect some flags."

Oh, and there's this lazy prick on The Great Flag Hunter program. Using the same icon as the Name Rater (possibly the same guy), he sits there with that obnoxious smile, telling the audience he wants to join in the hunt, but won't get off his ass actually to do it. That's all he says, too. Twice. The other commentator featured with him does all the real talking. "I wish I could collec..." THEN FUCKING DO IT! Yeah, it'll be a real shame to lose such a key member of the Pokénews Crew, but I think we'll manage... you worthless shitbag.

As of finishing this long-awaited disappointment of a blog entry, I've managed to encounter 718 Pokémon, with Manaphy being the only exception (Hoopa and Volcanion are still legally unavailable), and I have captured every non-event Pokémon necessary to earn my diploma, along with the Shiny Charm to increase the likelihood of encountering and breeding shiny Pokémon. Because I find most shiny variations to be hideous, I really don't care about trying to obtain one myself. The ones I do have were obtained during TheKingNappy Wonder Trade Wednesday event, which takes place nearly every Wednesday night at 8PM, and is streamed live on Youtube. If you want something decent from Wonder Trade, that's the time to get it. As for me, I might breed a bunch of something weak (even with perfect stats) and hand them out during a WTW event, if only to remind other trainers of those poor creatures commonly forgotten, because they are neither overpowered, nor dragons. I am so fucking sick of dragons.

Finally, I would like to take a moment to proudly type that every single Pokémon I have ever captured and bred in AS has been given a unique name. I'm sure many nicknames have been shared by other trainers at one time or another, but in regard to what I have obtained over the last five months of playing Nintendo's newest cash grab, no names have been recycled. This means the 75 Farfetch'd and 75 Heatmor that I bred for WTW did, in fact, include 150 different names that I freely gave away to people who have mostly likely tossed right back into the pool of Wonder Trade, hoping to obtain some hacked legendary, because their level 4 sentrets stored in the GTS have yet to be taken in exchange for a 6IV shiny Celebi with Timid nature that they shameless demand. If you wish to use GTS effectively, provide something of breeding value, and ask for something reasonable in return. Please. That seems obvious, right? I originally thought so, too.

Now, without further ado, and in no particular order, I would like to honour those who have fought valian... obediently by my side:

Sonrisa - Gastrodon
Dorkwing Dux - Farfetch'd
Codyl - Magcargo
La Bagocrapo - Hawlucha
Jeeves - Beheeyem
Sugarfoot - Lopunny
Furby - Furfrou
IComeInPeace - Gyarados (originally as a HM mule)
Eleclamb - Ampharos
Boomer - Exploud
Big In Japan - Omastar
Karn - Regigigas
Wallflower - Florges
Texas - Entei
Ticklish - Tentacruel
Reinhard - Eelektross
Armstrong - Machamp
Dial-Up - Carracosta
Bert - Cobalion
Forkbow - Sigilyph
RitaBeepulsa - Vespiquen
Disco Stu - Bouffalant
Elizabeth - Pelipper
Fleabag - Mightyena
Mac Tonight - Lunatone
B-I-N-G-O! - Cinccino
NyQuil - Rampardos (Originally owned by a trainer named "Ricky")
Bount - Landorus
Yobich - Gardevoir
Lo Phat - Mienshao
Krillin - Medicham
Super Morio - Heatmor (the only Pokémon I've bred with 6IV stats)
Marjorie - Magmortar
Yay, Billy! - Venusaur

and, of course, everyone's new favorite fairy-type, Maximus.

You best GTFO!

From the people who brought you Living Peninsula comes... something else.

I'm excited, and do you care to know why? (of course you don't) Because it's that time again for delicious candy corn, fun decorations, colorful costumes, and all sorts of scary stuff!

Like jump scares! ...lazy, fucking jump scares.

This year, I decided to celebrate in a different manner by skipping AMC's empty shell of a Monsterfest and indulge in a few video games of the Horror genre. Not surprisingly, I chose the wrong one to start with.

Back in 2006, I thought it would be appropriate to spend my week-long vacation on the tropical island of Banoi, because that's what antisocial people who work minimum wage jobs do with their free time. After two glasses of local tap water, I was carried back to my room covered in shit and vomit. When I awoke the next morning, I discovered it was now late 2011, and many of the other visitors had been afflicted with a severe case of pink eye and chicken pox. There was also a lot of blood and flesh splattered about, but I just assumed it was due to a sloppy mass murderer. The job was clearly half-assed. Look at all of them still up and moving around!

What sort of a murderer misses all the vital points?

It's a good thing I slept through this mess. With my eyes closed, I was completely immune to the disease. Also, most of my body was hidden under a blanket, so the murderer probably thought I was nothing more than a severed head and moved on to the next room.

Feeling lucky, I strolled out into the hallway only to notice the money in my wallet had been swiped. Probably stolen by the guy who carried me back to my room five years ago. Now covered in the stench of poverty, and five-year-old poop stains, I attempted to secretly flee the hotel only to be tackled by one of the staff members. Fearing I'd "drown" of debt from that point on, I was swiftly rescued by Sinamoi, a lifeguard and Tyson tattoo enthusiast. He then bit my ear. From here on out, I spent several weeks (93 hours) trekking back and forth through the Capital Wasteland of Banoi as a lolicon-hating bodyguard and former officer of the Australian law. I died repeatedly.

While I admit "nice tits" was a strong determining factor, my character choice was also based upon a more respectable excuse. Purna's specialty is firearms, so I figured she would be the best choice for a zombie game. Makes sense, doesn't it? DOESN'T IT?! Not in this game, and especially not in Act I. Also, it turns out I chose the damned supportive character. I should have assumed this when I saw her Diablo talent tree handing out Paladin auras to teammates. As if I needed to further prove to my blog reader(s) of how clueless I am, I also never noticed the fourth choice, Sam B., on the character screen. I saw him for the first time during a cut scene. How? Because, at those moments, I am accompanied by the other three. Makes total sense. Then, they up and vanish once shit hits the fan again. Granted, I had no intention of playing this with others, but it's a little odd to find a Horror game where I am encouraged to bring friends.

Surviving an onslaught of respawning Infected isn't all that different from basic questing on an MMORPG, especially when obtainable loot includes weapons of all rarities and thousands of dollars. Thousands of dollars! I really want to know who the hell these people are to be carrying that sort of cash into the slums of Moresby, the middle of the jungle, and cell block C? 

I get it, because he went directly to jail. That still doesn't explain the other two spots.

Nearly all the gameplay factors relating to a Horror title are non-existent here. What exactly is suppose to be scary if I'm not alone, resources are plentiful, the flashlight is never needed, and all the zombies look like the end results of second-rate make-up artists? They're pretty easy to avoid, too.

It doesn't take much to distract them. Sometimes, their kids even do it for you.

The attempts at jump scaring here are obvious. While it is possible to draw attention through gunfire and meat bait, this special bunch will stand still, facing a nearby wall (Blair Witch style!). Approaching them will result in a quick time event to separate yourself from their grasp. Also, though not a jump scare, many of the Infected will lie on the floor in different positions only to pick themselves up when a hero approaches. The first time this really got me was when I tried to walk past a bunch of them and found myself surrounded. I wasn't scared, but I definitely knew I was fucked. Kick everyone you come across, just in case, or lop off their noggins. I usually do that for fun. 

Considering the amount of time I put into this game, it's kind of a letdown to see such a poor variety of enemies: Slow zombies, fast zombies, big zombies, bomb zombies, bloated father zombies, brawler zombies, tank zombies, and gun-wielding hostiles. In the expansion, players are treated to zombies who can scream, throw, drown, and smash, along with stronger boss-like variations of each. The original provides a single boss in the end, and that half-wit is only slightly more effective than Bioshock's Fontaine, unless you score a critical hit with a modified weapon, that is. Bait + bombs, knock down + head stomp, developer modified weapons... if you're lucky, you can actually finish this fight in a ridiculously short amount of time. It's not even a stretch to say the fight can end in mere seconds, provided the player is swift enough to capitalize on that brief moment of vulnerability. I got him once, but was immediately tackled by a flaming Infected who then proceeded to insult my shoes and call me fat. More distracting was Kyary Pamyu Pamyu's PonPonPon playing during the entire fight. White and I share the same awful taste in music. Who knew?

Zombified chidrens and aminaminals are both mentioned, but neither are seen within the game. Children I can understand about. Animals though? while questing through a jungle? Come on, Techland! I wanted to meet the undead orangutan!

There's all sorts of gore (and a disturbing lack of manbearpig) to be witnessed, if that sort of thing frightens/satisfies you. 

Plenty of this.

It helps to create an appropriate atmosphere for the game, but, periodically, I find spots where the amount is so over-the-top that I'm left with this mental image of a guy just dumping buckets of paint and tossing fake organs everywhere, like it's some sort of local haunted house attraction.

I would like to point out something about the survivors vying for the hero's attention. Most of the time, their appearance is more terrifying than the infected. Many won't look directly at you during a conversation, opting, instead, to swing their heads back and forth. If that's not strange enough, the ones curled up on the floor have necks that bend in all directions of wrong while they're talking.

"Money, mods, or weapons! Rape is not a suitable reward!"

There are a few typical locations one would expect to traverse in a zombie game:

When you see it, you'll... not care.

It's an island resort, so don't expect to pussyfoot around a shopping mall or grade school. Instead, questing primarily takes place on the beach, throughout the city, and in the jungle. Within these zones, there are moments where the hero(es) will have to settle matters inside private homes, scurry through a sewer system, retake a police station, and clear out a graveyard. The final act takes place entirely within a prison, though it is no where near as lengthy as the other three. So that the players don't feel cheated, the game compensates with an overabundance of runners, rammers, and thugs who respawn quickly. Enjoy.

Most of the in-game music sucks, especially during Act 2. As one nears a particular type of undead, they'll hear roaring, groaning, screeching, and screaming, along with the sounds of sirens and car crashing. I get it. I'm in a city, but it all blends together poorly into an obnoxious loop of noise. Thankfully, this isn't a problem while exploring the beach or the jungle, so a sudden audible hint of enemies nearby has a much more jarring effect. The main theme isn't half bad, and Sam B.'s Who Do You Voodoo, Bitch? is a terrific addition to any Halloween compilation. That's about it.

The whole thing felt like Fallout 3, minus the crashing and numerous glitches, so it's certainly a better game from a technical perspective. Too bad it lacks a unified area to explore and, unimportantly, a similar degree of charisma to compensate. There's not a lot of interesting Easter eggs to be seen outside of some meme-inspired achievement/challenge names, a few clever quest titles, and a paltry sum of actual in-game references (the bulk of which are just knock-offs intentionally designed to look like real-life products, like "Spirit" imitating Sprite), but I'll give internets where internets are due for the Jenna Jameson zombie tied to the bed and the weapon modification to give myself Wolverine claws. Also, my curiosity got me two of the five colored skulls, though I didn't feel a strong urge to locate the other three, and I only stumbled across one of the alters for them. Still, this, like Fallout, rewards exploration, though I can't imagine that being a good trait during a multiplayer session. Not everyone wants to wait around for others to search through an area, especially if they've played the game longer and have a basic memory of where useful items are generally located.

I may need to go back and try again as one of the other three characters for a better experience, but I'm fairly certain that Purna is the most challenging to work with in a solo playthrough. Xian Mei, typical East Asian hottie with an affinity for swords (surprise surprise), is a glass cannon. Despite what forum polls might say about her, that type is only difficult for beginners. Think of a mage on WoW or Jigglypuff in the original Smash Bros (and, to a lesser extent, SSBM). Learn to exploit that power and it's smooth, enjoyable sailing from there. I won't touch her though, because... fuck swords.

Happy Halloween or Día de Muertos everyone, and make sure to increase your psychic powers before November!

Wave "good-bye" to the readers, Mr. Zombie. 

Sigh, close enough.