Stercus Casus Dare

Back in 2013, one of the winners of Ludum Dare put in the effort to spruce up his evolution-themed RPG and market it for ten bucks on Steam. Disregarding that shit, I bought it through a Humble Bundle for six dollars, which came with other titles, their soundtracks, AND most of the money I paid went to charity. I'm not saying the game isn't worth an Alexander Hamilton on its own, because I'm clearly typing that at the moment.

**You probably already know this, but the Ludum Dare is a competition that requires a single person to create a video game from nothing in 48 hours using a chosen theme that's given the moment the competition begins. It's called "Ludum Dare" because dorks like to name shit using Latin. Not only are we under the false impression that it makes things sound cooler, but we also love it when you ask us to translate what we just said.**

Evoland beat just over 1400 other entries (and some children) by centering its story around the evolution and imitation of RPGs. Nearly every aspect of the genre's history was incorporated, minus the whole "type in a command" bullshit that only manages to be enjoyable nowadays when blended with a high concentration of nostalgia and alcohol. Whether it was meant to be clever or an excuse to be lazy, chests are opened to unlock practically every aspect of the game, including sound effects, enemies, random battles, health, experience points, traps, vendors, a restless child that runs in circles, and graphical improvements, but not an interesting plot.  This begs the question; "If treasure chests created the world, then what created the treasure chests?" Possibly chicken eggs, but that's the sort of philosophical inquiry best left for a raptor.

It's the only day in the history of Aogai. I literally unlocked you all less than an hour ago.

Throughout this game, the player will notice blatant inspiration from various major franchises, though none are more apparent than Zelda, Super Mario, Diablo, and, especially, Final Fantasy:

If you're wondering, the airship's owner is named "Sid."

Most of Zelda's references involve the gameplay outside of random battles, the chest-opening cinematic, and dungeon enemies. There's also the main character, Clink, still sporting the green attire that complimented the appearance of his original design for the Ludum Dare: a dead ringer for the NES Hylian. The most notable trio of enemies from the Super Mario Bros. series show up as random battle trash, and Diablo's hack 'n' slash, combo-building, loot-dropping mechanics are represented within one cave dungeon, though I didn't notice a single reference to the all-important Horadric Cube. 

What the fuck did you just say?!

Yeah, it's a really shame, too. I hear there's quite a treasure in it... porn, Dr Pepper, and an NES copy of the Tengen (Toppa Gurren Lagann) version of Tetris (complete with shades).

Also, there are plenty of minor references sprinkled throughout the journey, but they're more enjoyable to spot on your own.

For a concept thrown together during the length of a typical weekend (thirty hours, actually), Evoland does a wonderful job of showcasing the industry's technological progress throughout the years. Unfortunately, very little was added to the project once the competition was over. There's certainly an improvement with bosses, collectibles, more non-Horadric Cube references, and stronger graphics, but when you finish off the final boss, you'll likely agree that it's still lacking, and I don't just mean it could be longer. I enjoyed seeing a bastardized version of a Chocobo and was surprised by the minor reference to Illegal Danish, but that's it. After a few years, you'll probably only remember this as "that game about stuff from other games." You can expect roughly six hours of play if you aim to get everything on your first run. A straightforward adventure can be done in under an hour with the current record holder finishing it in about 34 minutes. There's no customization, no satisfying conclusion once you defeat Zephyros, and while finding all the collectibles will earn you a couple of achievements, hugging every wall of every dungeon to discover hidden passages without the convenience of some sort of Zubat repellent just isn't worth the trouble of doing it yourself. Also, once the changes become less frequent, all the player is left with are stupid-easy puzzles and mindless trash battles to grind worthless experience (raising Clink's level will do nothing to help with the final battle). On the plus side, the purchase of Evoland comes with it's complete soundtrack. As one would expect, the music also evolves with 8-bit, 16-bit, and HD tracks... all mediocre.

 I strongly recommend waiting until it goes on sale again, but if thirty minutes of entertainment are worth ten dollars to you, then go ahead and download a copy. It's not a bad game. It's just too plain and simple.

Including zombie dogs and grammatical errors.

Greatest idea I've had since gluing sliced bread back together.

I'd like to create a freemium dating sim. Don't point your finger at Namco High! I'm talking about a genuine freemium game with little to no enjoyable content that the player must suffer through unless they generously fill my diminutive bank account with lots of glorious e-dollars. Now, this might seem like I'm just being greedy, but it's more than that. I want the gaming community to experience something truly amazing, but I don't want to do anything to make that happen, or make it all that amazing if it does. Instead, with your help, I will be able to pay someone else to add content and increase the quality of the dating sim with a fourth of what you'll give me. Everyone benefits! ...and it'll actually be an eighth.

Gameplay would be standard 2D dating with multiple stock character females for your ordinary, average high schooler to chase after. Initially, there will only be three choices: Fatty, Greasy, and Dirty, but with the purchase of conquest bundles, the player will be able to unlock an additional nine girls in groups of three: "Better Than Nothing", "Averagely Attractive", and, the premium package of "Unrealistically Pretty Bitches." Of course, there's something for the ladies. By choosing a female character, all twelve choices will now be labeled as "traps." Eventually, palette swaps or completely new portraits may be created, but that'll cost more money. Hopefully, fundraising will be held and a fifth of the proceeds will go towards making that goal a reality. Numerous mini-games (two) will be accessible at launch at half their price for the first three days, and numerous clothing options, accessories, colors, companions, font changes, and horse armor will be made available for purchase over time at the game's e-store.

What makes my idea unique is the RPG elements I plan to incorporate. Your character will need to learn various skills necessary to woo the love of his life, like how to wield a shield, how not to shit himself in front of others, how to turn a door knob, understanding algorithms, doing taxes online, cooking newt, and clicking a cookie repeatedly to summon ovens and old women who will serve as part of the unholy army you'll need to amass in order to seize control of not only the planet, but also the entire high school! To accomplish this, however, you'll need to gain enough experience, which will be earned over time. Each second equals an experience point, and each level only requires 100,000 of them, so the more you play, the sooner your character will be able to dress himself properly and walk down the stairs without losing health. Be careful, because fainting in battle will result in a minor loss (all of it) of experience gained for that level. I understand work and family can be problematic, so I've included pay options to help speed things along. Why wait when you've got things to do, right? Also, at the end of each stage, the character will be able to choose between a boxing match, a high-speed race, or a match-three game against the lizard wizard Randuft. He's quite a handful, but hints and assistance are available at the e-store.

Once you've farmed enough cabbage to unlock the ivory lighthouse, you and your lady of choice will be invited to the prom. There are five endings to obtain which will be dependent upon the choices you make and the small (large) amount of money you would be willing to pay. Girls don't like their men to be cheap, so you'll definitely want to buy all of them.

Glitch Plays Fallout

More frustrating to complete, and certainly not as entertaining as TPP, it was at the demand of a former co-worker that I bought Fallout 3 on Steam during a holiday sale of its Game of the Year edition. While I was at it, I also purchased a handful of other titles that included Fallout New Vegas and the enhanced version of The Witcher, but my priority was Fallout 3, and my first playthrough was relatively straightforward: I went in, acted the hero, and focused heavily upon completing the main quests. Excursions were basically the result of me either getting lost along the way or poking my nose in the lives of those I came across while trying to find the Lone Wanderer's father. The most notable waste of time involved helping Moira complete her survival guide. Since she was my go-to vendor for supplies and repairs, I felt like I needed to return the favor by acting as her assistant, but not enough to genuinely care, so I lied a few times and half-assed the rest of it. I was more thorough my second time playing through the game, so we published a much better version of the guide. Also, I turned her into a ghoul and lied again so that she blamed herself for the Megaton incident. Yep, she's my go-to vendor... now located in Underworld.

A deadly combination of Diet Nuka-Cola with Mentats. Also, you're gross.

Prior attempts to blog about my initial experience were unsuccessful simply because I soon realized through my research that I missed A LOT of content. I managed a similar playthrough of New Vegas with minimal side-questing, obtaining an achievement for taking over the robot army and ruling the desert myself, then fumbled my way through a small chunk of Bioshock before bringing myself back ro replay Fallout 3 with the intent to check out all that it had to offer, or most of it, I guess.

First impressions are hardly the most important with me, as I am well aware of the fact that life isn't perfect, people are not perfect, games not called "Chrono Trigger" are not perfect, and that shit can occur because of these imperfections. Fallout quickly reminded me of this as it refused to launch. No problem. There's actually a shit-ton, buttload, and/or surplus of glitches, but most are minor annoyances at best. Flipping screens is where the real fun comes in, because there's a strong chance that the game will crash. There's also the possibility of a crash even when I don't flip screens. I'm sure there are fixes to all of this, but I'm not computer savvy. I can't find some of these file names that possible solution threads type about. Hell, my issues might not be the exact problems being addressed in the posts. Most Google results were just different sites typing the same answers to the launching glitch I mentioned at the beginning of this paragraph and I didn't realize it until the end when the post finishes with something like, "... and this should allow you to launch a new game...." *shrug* I can cope with this. It's been a long time, but not so long that I don't remember the second most important bit of advice for any gamer: Save early, save often, and don't override saves. Thank you, Sierra. 

Fuck you, Sierra.

Even without the glitching... the overabundance of glitching... the "How the fuck does this become the game of the year with all of this glitching?!" amount of glitching... I would highly recommend multiple save files, because one of the biggest draws to this RPG is that there are numerous choices to pick from as one makes his or her way through the wasteland and one never knows how much of an impact a particular action or response will make (unless they visit the Wiki page). I replied to a bratty child in a similar bratty manner and now Three Dog is blasting me for it on the air. Then, I abruptly ended the Rivet City wedding by dropping a mini nuke in the middle of the room and not only does Three Dog say nothing about it, but the survivors stopped caring after three days. In addition to the default choices, others become available based upon your stats and perks. If that's not enough, there's all sorts of special items, locations, and backstory to be gained for putting in that added bit of effort in exploring the Wasteland, and the ending will change based upon certain decisions, karma, and race/sex. Provided it's included during the next holiday sale, I'd definitely recommend picking it up if you're more knowledgeable about how to effectively patch the more problematic issues I've had to suffer through as a result of my ignorance. If you're not, well....

As I sort of hinted at when mentioning the endings, Fallout begins with a pleth... a bunch of options for personalizing your character's features. All of them are ugly, just like everything else in this game that isn't Dogmeat.

Unfortunately, every time Dogmeat was killed, the action would slow down dramatically and Sarah McLachlan's "Angel" would begin playing.

Expect a lot of recycled visuals:

Rubble, rubble everywhere.

With exception to a landmark here and there, it'd be difficult for a casual player to tell one part of an area from another. I've gotten lost inside a building or while traversing the metro tunnels on numerous occasions. It doesn't help that this "open" world has an awful lot of choke points that force specific routes to be discovered in order to reach many areas around the D.C. area. There's also a limited selection of enemies, despite the size of this post-apocalyptic playground, and it's a shame to see the same creatures and people coming after me fifty hours into it. 

Gameplay manages to stay true to the Action RPG tradition of simple, repetitive combat: find the enemy, shoot the enemy, and loot (possibly teabag) the enemy. Remember those moments in a traditional RPG where you'd find a town and just sort of chill out for a while because you just spent the last hour and a half surviving random battles that occurred every three steps and are reluctant to go through that same shit again so soon? A bit of Fallout questing should jog that memory! With my first playthrough, Kickle did just fine imitating Gallagher with a Fawkes' brand Super Sledge-o-Matic. Then, in my second playthrough, Iuppiter was kinda doing the same thing with small guns and energy weapons. I seldom bothered with dodging and hiding. It wasted too much time, and only the behemoths required any real strategy. I tried to change things up with silent kills and sniper action, but, again, it was an awful lot of effort just to take down another generic raider or mutant. On the other hand, nukes and missiles are a wonderful distraction, so long as you don't kill yourself in the process. There's also a bunch of karma-dependent (with two exceptions) companions who will tag along, block your path, ruin stealth, step into the line of fire, and quickly die to just about anything. The only two worth a damn are Fawkes, because he can actually survive, and Dogmeat, because the Puppies perk allows for the infinite reincarnation of the lovable pooch.

I wish I could post some of my screenshots, especially the one where I shot a member of the Talon mercenaries in the face with a railway spike and his detached head was stuck to the door of a nearby building. Unfortunately, this also requires a fix of sorts and my attempts to follow directions offered on help threads have proven unsuccessful. Over a hundred of them were taken before I realized I couldn't access a single one for the sake of this awful blog. I guess it doesn't matter too much. Most of them were of the various glitches I encountered, including detached body parts still moving, my companion and I walking through solid objects that occasionally resulted in getting stuck in invisible holes, and floating bodies/items/debris. There was also one of Initiate Pek whom I had rescued long ago. While going through that area much later into the game, he suddenly appeared behind my character, staring straight at me, and was still talking about how I needed to escort him back to Hoss and the other members of the brotherhood.

Every move you make, every face you break... I'll be watching you.

Yeah, I was freaking the fuck out.

With the GotY Edition, I was able to gain an additional ten levels, earn new perks, see new sights, and complete quests involving slavers, aliens, hillbillies, gut-flinging ghouls, and Chinese holograms. While this means there is much more to do in a game that already had more than enough to begin with, none of it really feels new. Just more of the same shit, which is also the reason I got tired of playing WoW. At least Warcraft has plenty of lore to witness and take part in. With Fallout, the bulk of obtainable information is just pointless bits of, "Hey, that's neat, I guess." Outside of the main quests, most of what I found to be interesting came from exploring the other vaults. Well, the reappearance of Harold was kinda nice, too, even if he wasn't as joyous as he used to be.

"Hey, life's not so bad."       "Somebody kill me."

If you insist upon seeing all that Fallout has to offer, it's best to start with high Intelligence in order to maximize skill points and quickly learn the Intense Training, Educated, and Comprehension perks to further bring out the full potential of your wanderer in the long run. If you plan on just speeding through the main quests like I originally did, just grab whatever helps your primary choice in weapons and traits, then blow the rest of your leveling on the goofy crap like Animal Friend, Mysterious Stranger, and anything that adds special dialogue just to make the brief experience a bit more entertaining.

I tried to play through the entire thing. Hell, I did explore every area of the original game. There's a bunch of subtle references, like the Snatcher shout-out found in the Capitol Post building, and a few not-so-subtle references, like the haunted Dunwich Building which, of course, takes its name from the short story by Lovecraft. Three Dog's GNR news station provides a surprisingly catchy selection of licensed 40s music, and Three Dog himself is quite charismatic. What he says will change depending upon what you do and how you do it, though all of it will eventually grow tiresome if you choose to hang around for Fallout's entire experience. It's also possible to kill the guy, but his replacement's whiny remarks are far less varied and the station becomes unbearable that much sooner. I'm likely going to buy most of the playlist, starting with "Civilization (Bongo Bongo Bongo)," thanks to this game, though I can't imagine enjoying it half as much without hearing Three Dog's howl and news segment afterwards.

Overall, I want to tell my non-existent readers to add this to their collection, but the constant problems soured every happy moment I had. Whenever something brought a smile to my face, an error pop-up immediately removed it. There wasn't quite as many issues with New Vegas, so I might go back and do more of that after I finish Bioshock, which feels like a depressing version of Fallout that compensates with a far superior atmosphere and story. I'm genuinely on edge at all times thanks to the sound, lack of ammunition, and creepy surroundings. Then again, I'm not too fond of stuff like that. I think I mentioned something along those lines back when I blogged about Revelations, remember? The only reason I played that game was because Josh recommended it. You know, he's the one who bought me Bioshock for the PS3 as a Christmas present. *Note to self: ignore all other gaming suggestions from that misery-inducing assclown.*

Time once again for an important public blogging announcement!

Don't feed the yao guai... unless you brought them Agatha.

That is all.

And now, some music!

Lucky 13

Unimportant information aside, to further prove how great Japan is at naming stuff, Final Fantasy's own Lightning returns in Lightning Returns: The Returning of Lightning. No one is quite sure what it's about, and to ensure nobody will waste time asking, the game's director Moboobfoyu Toriyomomma said that he was going to distract the gamers with more mamm for their money and include an unrealistic bounce feature that will allow Lightning to strike twice whenever she swings her arm, but at the risk of smacking herself in the face if the second blow misses. There will also be downloadable bullshit like outfits from other Final Fantasy games. One in particular is causing an uproar, because it claims to be Aerith's flower girl outfit. This is obviously false because I couldn't find a blood-stained stab-hole anywhere on the thing. Other outfits include Yuna's summoning robe and staff from FFX, Cloud's compensatingly huge sword and attire from FF7, and many other choices that fall into the three categories of Terrible to Wear in Battle, Terrible to Wear Regardless, and Skank. There is also talk of allowing her to cosplay as Tidus, but Square Enix is afraid that she'll look more masculine in it than he did.

Update:

The fake Aerith's outfit was supposed to be a reward for those who pissed away hard-earned yen on the V Jump Lightning Master Strategy Guide for Dummies, but Square placed the horse armor up on their online store for three days before realizing that they had made an oopsie-doodle.  Square Enix went out to make an apologetic "Fuck you!" to both V Jump and the players, assuring them that they will do everything in their power to prevent this from happening again by tackling it with full force, or whatever the Hell their message was trying to say. Bewildered, the rest of the gaming community responded in a similar manner to myself with, "What does any of this have to do with our plea to quit making shitty app versions of Final Fantasy titles?"

Update-2:

Inspired by Lightning's growth, Smash Bros. director Masahiro Sakurai has decided to increase the size of Mario's junk in the upcoming sequel for the Wii U, 3DS, and Philips CD-i. Equipping a small shield and changing items are "recommended actions" by the director. He also decided to remove half the characters and gradually add them back to the game as DLC at $10 each. Other options for wasting money include swapping Luigi's mustache design for Mario's, a much louder and more obnoxious taunt by Jigglypuff, and wet farts from Wario.

And now I favor Gilius.

I recently bought a video game that wasn't made decades ago. No, it wasn't part of a Humble Bundle, either, so shut the fuck up, Paul! After wrapping up my blog about sky pirates, I decided to purchase Sonic & All-Stars Racing Transformed, because it has Vyse in it, along with Rhaknam, who makes a cameo appearance under the islands of the Rogue's Landing track. Seriously, that's why I bought it. It certainly wasn't because Wreck-It Ralph is a playable character. Who's bright idea was that shit? Oh, I can't wait to choose a racer with "wreck" in his name! Typing of wrecks, Danica Patrick is also a playable character. What she has to do with actual racing is beyond me, but it's interesting to note that she is the only character whose vehicle will automatically smash itself during the first lap. The occurrence is random, and there's nothing the player can do to prevent it. Once, after I selected her, the Danicar exploded the moment the race began and all I could do was watch her walk out from the flaming rubble and sign autographs for Billy Hatcher and his friends.

In Sonic & Sega All-Star Racing, the Racing Rooster requires a microtransaction of twenty-five cents from the player before a race can begin. Even then, all it does is slowly move back and forth to carnival music.

Billy isn't a playable racer in the sequel, because Sega refuses to pay any more royalties to Wonder Bread for his vehicle's appearance. Fortunately, he can still be seen in the game as a sticker. As a sticker! The kid has an entire race track themed after his game, and he, apparently, wasn't popular enough to be part of its background. Yeah, thumbs up to you too, Billy ...you fucking dork.

Sonic & All-Stars Racing With An Unnecessarily Long Title For A Simple Kart Racing Game Transformed, or "S&ASRWAULTFASKRGT" for short, should not be viewed as the poor man's Mario Kart, because that title went to Konami Krazy Karts Racers over a decade ago when it recreated the series in a seemingly blatant manner, with special exception to the weapons and characters whose fame doesn't hold a red candle to the amount of recognition for Nintendo's mascots.

You wanted Goemon? You got Goemon! You wanted Snake? You got, um, Gray Fox. You wanted Simon Belmont? You got whatever the Hell that thing in the back is suppose to be.

Sega's racing sequel does quite a bit more than play the role of a Mario Kart doppelganger. It offers up a cast that digs into Sega's rich library, much like Nintendo does with the Smash Bros series, and follows that up with the obvious request of including people outside of Sega's virtual world, like Yogscast's Simon Lane and three of the members of the Team Fortress 2 family: Spy, Pyro, and Heavy. The selection depends upon the version a person buys. As of this moment, more DLC is being created, including more faces behind the wheel. For an idea that Nintendo utilized in the Fighting genre, it's a shame they haven't done much of the same thing with their Racing series outside of Japanese arcades. It would be better than trying to fill out their roster with a bunch of baby versions of main characters who would be constantly pooping their Pampers, tossing them out like brown banana peels, and smearing the fecal matter all over the place until it looked like a stage from Super Mario Sunshine.

Here's a smart move on my part. A callback to a blog entry no one read.

The race tracks exhibit a great deal of personality, more so than many of the locations found in the Mario Kart series, and not only do they represent the games where many of the drivers originate from, but also of some of Sega's other gems, like The House of the Dead, Panzer Dragoon, and Burning Rangers. Most reward exploration and experimentation with all sorts of forking routes, shortcuts, and ramps for stunt boosts that can be sought out by any one driver thanks to unlockable vehicle modifications. This is a sort of courtesy to those of us who prefer to select the same mascot(s), even when their standard attributes are not necessarily the best choice for a particular course. In addition to the usual Grand Prix, Time Attack, and Single Race modes, there's also the World Tour, a series of mission-based races that rewards the player with stars needed to unlock vehicle mods, drivers, tracks, and Expert Mode. There are achievements or stickers that can be earned for a variety of reasons, though this sort of feature has become a standard for video games nowadays. Still, it's amazing how much is packed into each course. Rather than winning, take the time to slow down and admire the view. Plenty of cameos to look for, including Ecco the Dolphin, Big the Cat, and the giant, godlike presence of an all-seeing Amiga. Not to be outdone by aesthetics, Sonic & All-Stars also delivers a soundtrack that's almost as glorious as that of Sonic '06 (which was awful in every other imaginable way), offering numerous remixed versions of popular music from various Sega games, as well as a personal all-star theme song for each character when activated. All in all, I should be proclaiming this as, like, the bestest racing game on karts ever!

"Does it not totes yagotes?"

Almost, but no, Upset Earl, it does not. While Sumo Digital clearly put a great deal of love and hard work into this offering, there are a few things I've experienced that left me feeling cheated. I once found myself stopped because of a closed door on the Burning Rangers stage that did not open as we approached it. A few days later, while racing Ocean View, I fell through the track near the end of the third lap and, like with Burning Depths, was stuck with six other drivers, all of whom were sliding back and forth against the wall in a similar fashion to those idiots in Arathi Basin who believe they're going to reach the Farm's flag before I do by mount-humping the starting gate. Hey, if you ain't sportin' a movement buff that I lack, you might as well continue on towards Blacksmith!

I lost all my screenshots of Juppiter flexing arrogantly, so here's a picture of Chance and Cooper as puppies cowering under the table arrogantly.

Vehicle transformation is generally seamless, except in a few areas, like in the Dream Valley where converting back into the aircraft seems to result in a troublesome hard right turn into an invisible wall, regardless of what direction I aim the joystick. Each type handles differently, as would be expected of a car, boat, and plane, with the boat being the most difficult to control. Periodically, I will hit a wave and watch my racer get turned around long enough to fall to last place. Sailing's a tricky bitch to master, I suppose. Since tracks will be altered with each passing lap, everyone will need to switch to a different vehicle mode to adapt. This is the excuse one can use to combat the whining of the fanbase when it comes to Sonic in a Racing title. Without it, many would waste their time polluting internet forums with gibberish like, "Why would Sonic need to drive a car," instead of the usual, "Hey everyone! Rate my new original creation. He looks just like Sonic, but he has neon yellow fur and his eyes are different colors!" Sigh, while I can't quite figure out the reasoning for producing these look-a-like fan characters, they're still better than abusing the old South Park templates that were around back when I played Starcraft with people quoting Zero Wing, proclaiming themselves to be "Gosu," and adding SSJ- to their account names.

I'm somewhat out of the loop of what's popular to exploit nowadays. Is it still fake CCG cards? Fsjal?

Ponified bullshit?

I guess it doesn't matter. The point I was trying to make is that since many race tracks require the hedgehog to take to the sky or sail across the water, people now have a valid reason to shut up about Sonic being in a vehicle: because he can not swim, he can not fly, and, just throwing this in for good measure, he can not appear in a 3D Platformer that doesn't bring shame to the Sonic Team developers.

Meanwhile, perfectly concealed, Knuckles indulges in his voyeurism unabashed.

Another odd thing I'd like to point out is Amy Rose. Not Amy Rose herself, though I wouldn't mind strangling her every time I hear that obnoxious voice, but that she's seemingly the rival driver of everyone else. During the Grand Prix, or any race including her among the competitors, Amy will fly out in front and earn herself a strong early lead unless quickly beaten down with weapons. This isn't to say that a player cannot pass her. As fast as she may be, Amy collides into nearly every moving obstacle the track throws into our path and wastes her weapons as soon as she picks them up, just like the other CPU drivers. It's not really a complaint I'm making. Just an observation. I'm curious to know if there really is some sort of favoritism going on over at Sumo Digital. One of the reasons I ask has to do with those glitched races I mentioned before. In every situation where that occurred, Amy was always able to pass through and take first place. I have no clue how she gets around the problem, but she's the only one that ever does.

Overall, I think the 3DS version of S&ASRT is a wonderful game in its own right, but I also believe it is noticeably inferior to its console counterparts. Possessing weaker graphics means boost arrows and smaller obstacles are more difficult to spot, and a lower frame rate creates moments of slowdown during the track transformations of a race. There's even a few other glitches that many will probably never see patches for in their handheld copy. One that I find particularly obnoxious can occur after using the all-star move. For the remainder of that race, the player will be unable to perform any more stunts, meaning no trick boosts. Another has to do with the game not recognizing all successfully-performed stunts. There were a few races where I played it safe and settled for a single trick during a high jump only to receive nothing for it. Still, none of these complaints are game-breaking. If you've got options as to which one to buy, I heavily support the decision to choose one of the console versions. After all, if you plan on playing Sonic & All-Stars Racing Transformed, you might as well play it to the fullest!

With Gilius Thunderhead!

...the sore loser of the bunch.

Take a Ride on the Ooze Cruise

Josh, one of the few generally cheerful co-workers at my store, handed me his copy of Resident Evil Revelations for the 3DS with the belief that I would enjoy the experience.

I don't know. Maybe?

I don't generally play Survival Horror titles, because the gameplay irritates me and the content has a tendency to feed bad ideas to my right brain. "Survival" is just a nice way of saying "clumsy stealth" with your character still trying to avoid getting into fights, but everything is set up so that it's impossible to not alert every enemy you come across. In the case of Resident Evil, it adds another irritation I prefer to steer clear from: backtracking. I hate having to find a single key at one end of an area just to unlock a room on the other end of the area, because no one ever makes a copy of an important key, but everyone makes certain to lock every door in every room of every floor of every building with unique mechanisms, meaning it would require a janitor to walk around with a 20-pound ring on his side to be able to do his job, and that'll never happen because it would mean making a copy of every fucking key!

Wait, are the chains and padlock nailed to the front of the door? Does that really do anything?

Throw some jump scares and spooky music into a plot that is simple in nature, but has been stretched out into a pointlessly complicated mess, and we have this shitty sub-genre. Resident Evil is the first game to fall under this category, but most include Sweet Home and Alone in the Dark, since they were some of the first to make an effort to add horror to the gaming industry. Sweet Home looks like Dragon Warrior, so I'm not sure why I would be afraid of one and not of the other, and the monsters in Alone in the Dark are so terrible looking that it's hard to feel any sort of fear at the sight of them. There's an awful lot of books to read in that game, too. Granted, the scariest part of The Exorcist was when Regan quietly sat in her bed and finished the last few chapters of Breakfast of Champions, but I can't rely upon the demonic power of Captain Howdy to maintain my literary focus while bogies sluggishly make their way towards the detective. On the bright side, the music is somewhat catchy. That doesn't sound right for a Horror title, but I don't care. Most soundtracks for Horror games lose their effect after about thirty minutes. Even the Silent Hill OSTs wear thin as one listens to 90+ tracks of dark, industrial music. The one truly magnificent piece is Esperándote, a tango that made the "bad" ending more rewarding than it should have been.

I find this particular cover to be more frightening than any song on the list.

As far as I'm concerned, the only time a song in a video game is truly scary is when it's that oddball track in an otherwise cheerful or energetic collection of tunes, like the battle theme for Earthbound's Giygas, River Twygz Bed in Super Paper Mario, or Pokemon Red and Blue's Lavender Town.

Fortunately for me, Revelations (Revelaitons?) leans heavily towards action. I can't see why this side-quest in Jill's career is labeled as a Survival Horror. Playable characters are well-trained, well-armed agents, accompanied by AI-controlled partners, and are pitted against these ridiculously weak ooze creatures. 

Males turned into members of the Z-Putty Patrol, while women changed into aquatic, banshee-looking things which seems like a rather convenient metamorphosis to occur on a flooded ship, especially considering that they all must have died near water or else I'd have seen a few floppin' on the floors.

Even the jump scares are few and far between. While the older games are more focused on actual survival, bullets are not nearly as scarce in this one. Heck, by comparison, they're all over the place, and if that's still not enough, several clips can also be obtained through scanning with the Genesis device.  Along with ammo, a player can also scan creatures to obtain a bonus herb whenever he reaches 100%. The closer he scans a living enemy, the higher the percentage value he'll earn, and it pays more to change up what is scanned. Targeting the same type of monster (and there's not a strong variety in this game) will lower the effect. Lastly, there's thirty hand prints that can be located throughout all the chapters to gain access to an herb, a pair of guns, and three achievements for the remastered versions. Still, despite Capcom's push to have the player use this device, I found it to be bothersome as it consistently brought the action to a halt. If it wasn't necessary in some areas, I probably wouldn't touch the Genesis at all, unless it had the ability to spawn a group of deformed Muppets that sang Land of Confusion.

The sight of these would've injected some real Horror into the game.

What justifies the need for the ammo surplus is the shitty dodging mechanic. Relying upon it is like flipping a coin. Most of the time I avoided an attack, it was out of sheer luck. The player is better off keeping his distance and simply unloading on his enemies, especially Rachel.

Once she turns, shoot your load on her as quickly as you can, and as much of it in her face as possible!

The controls in general are an atrocity. One joystick seems to operate the legs and the other, I guess, is in charge of the arms. What's wrong with Z-Targeting these pricks? Aren't I suppose to be a special ops agent in this game? It feels like I'm in control of a cadet, considering how easily my character misses. I think a plausible middle ground would be to include a button for auto-targeting an enemy's chest, while not holding that button would allow one to aim for a boss's weak spot or to rack up head shots against the trash. Speaking of trash, the last fight is pointless. Jill should have just shot Jack Norman in the head while he was rambling, instead of allowing him to mutate himself in front of them. I know the Tyrant is something of a tradition in the franchise, but they seem to have peaked with Nemesis. Norman's a fun boss battle, but he lacks the ability to intimidate. It doesn't help that he looks like Walter White.

Jesse, we need to cook more T-Virus!

Regardless of my whining, Revelations is a great-looking game and it's fun, if only because I shot the fuck out of everything that moved. I found it to be a pain in the ass to play on a handheld, because of the small screen of the 3DS, but I'm certain I would have enjoyed it considerably more if I had an HD version of it playing on my television screen, so I can't really fault it for that. Also, there are moments where all I did was defend myself against an onslaught of creatures and those battles had my heart racing with excitement. I'm no fan of Survival Horror, but I do love a good 3rd-Person Shooter game.

Quit staring at my ass.

Moons, give me a sequel!

If you're a fan of SEGA, you've probably heard the name Team Shinobi a time or two. Streets of Rage, Revenge of the Shinobi, Golden Axe, Altered Beast... but the most notable accomplish of Team Shinobi involves their creation of the Phantasy Star franchise. Trailblazers of the JRPG genre, the first Phantasy Star introduced the combination of a graphically-astounding, story-driven adventure with random battles, a traversable overworld map, dungeons, and towns... two days after Final Fantasy did it! Yeah, I know, but they did feature a female protagonist, which was not a common sight in the gaming industry of the 80s, and Alis was able to chit-chat with a few of the monsters she came across. All FF did was allow four men to beat the shit out of everything that foolishly stood to the left side of them. Wait, was the White Mage a female?

While later iterations feature a more feminine appearance, the build and jawline of the 1987 White Mage after his promotion to a Wizard means Garland was either beaten by the Sausagefest of Light or Chyna and her bukakke squad.

Despite being late to the RP partay, Phantasy Star is considered one of the forefathers to the gaming genre, mostly because the current generation of gamers couldn't care less about the CRPGs of the '70s.

What's not to love? Everyone was white back then.

Actually, many of them didn't care about the genre at all until 1997 when the greatest RPG of all time hit the shelves: Betrayal in Antara!

Graphically superior to anything ported to the Etch A Sketch, this lush forest guarded by a pair of land seahorses is just one of many breathtaking sights Sierra brought to the PC. 

There was also Final Fantasy 7 at that time, but, honestly, the game's only real contribution to the industry is in popularizing the most effective strategy used in Multiplayer PvP: Take the healer out first.

In a failed attempt to deceive Sephiroth, Aerith pretended to be a crab. On the plus side, the cooked roe afterwards was delicious.

Many from Team Shinobi moved on to become Overworks, a short-lived developer known for a crummy sequel to Shinobi, the grossly popular Strategy Dating Sim RPG series Sakura Wars, and, the focus of this entry, Skies of Arcadia.

Also known as Eternal Arcadia, this Dreamcast title about Air Pirates plays out like a 24-episode anime following the formulaic storyline of a typical Shonen series.

The game centers around a planet that is conveniently color-coded based upon six moons (none of whom are related to Mac Tonight) that represent different types of magic. At the height of technological development, mankind began to wage war upon itself, utilizing this moon magic to create super weapons known as the Gigas. At some point during this time, stones from these six moons came crashing into the planet, wiping out nearly all of humanity along with most of its technology. Thousands of years later, after new civilizations have formed,  the empress of the largest empire, Valua, believes that everyone should bow before her and the Valuan armada. Basically, history is going to repeat itself, which is why we meet Fina, a 17-year-old piloting a very small ship.

She left her crossbow at home.

Fina is on a mission to collect all of the Moon Crystals before anyone can use them to reawaken the Gigas. Not sure how she's going to do that alone. I guess she's planning to heal it out of their grasps. From here on out, SoA associates itself with nearly every trope commonly seen in an RPG. Normally, I'd get irritated and call this lazy development, but Overworks utilizes these trends effectively. It's kinda like the storyline of a CLAMP manga.

A ronin wishes for a girlfriend and a persocom. He finds both in a pile of garbage and names her Chi. As the story progresses, they learn more about each other and eventually fall in love. Chi then becomes GLaDOS. 

Even if the player knows what's going to happen, it's obvious that a lot of love went into creating this thing. 

For starters, many of the NPCs, not just the recruitable ones, have unique models. This includes the shopkeepers, wandering villagers, and even the town guards. Some enemies are recycled, but, even then, a few of these can be justified. Names are given as part of various themes, such as types of currency and of the constellations, though others are just boring translations from different languages. For example, Raja is a stingray you battle in the Vortex. Raja is the Latin word for stingray. Clever girl. Overworks also hired a few rather well-known voice actors to help bring some of these characters to life, including Charles Martinet (Mario and Luigi), Julissa Aguirre (NiGHTS), and Grey DeLisle (Amanda Valenciano Libre and Carmelita Fox).

While my appreciation of SoA suffers a little due to the inclusion of random encounters, there are still plenty of details worth noting about them:

~ Battles seem more realistic, because everyone is moving around and exchanging blows, rather than standing still in a straight line and take turns attacking one another.
~ There are three pieces of music that can play during battle that change depending upon which side has the upper hand.
~ Everyone gains spell experience chosen through the colors of the all weapons, allowing the player to teach everyone every spell in any order they desire. Select four different colors to level up four types of magic with each victory, or have them all carrying weapons of the same color and learn that particular type of magic four times faster.
~ Special moves are fun to watch, but there's still an option to skip over them.
~ Everyone has multiple victory poses, usually changing in response to the amount of health each one has remaining.
~ Status effects vanish after a battle, so a player doesn't have to stop and cure everyone of everything repeatedly.
~ Instakill abilities are still worthless against bosses, but the most powerful ones, Eternum and Drachma's Hand of Fate, will deal damage if either fails. On the other hand (not of fate), some enemies will also utilize the Eterni chain of spells, including two of the most obnoxious bosses in the game. Just be prepared to have Aika cast Delta Shield over and over again to protect yourself. 
~ Some battles occur with the ship, which is a nice change, but the turns are slow and most of the "action" is just seeing the craft fly around in circles. Still, if nothing else, the idea deserves an A- for effort. Better than an escort mission. ALWAYS better than an escort mission. 

For once, the blue one isn't the weakest of the bunch.

Loopers are the slimes of Arcadia. For those who enjoy maxing out their characters' levels, Loopers are the fastest way to reach that goal. Overworks, again, helps the player out by creating a nesting area full of them for farming. Once the player has reached the end, there's an optional boss battle against the Black Looper within the Dark Rift.

Finally, as an added courtesy, random battles don't occur while the player is trying to solve a puzzle. Most of you probably wouldn't care either way, but I certainly appreciate the gesture.

While you make your way across the map, a side-quest of sorts involves locating landmarks. This adds a bit of personality to the world itself, allows the player to score some much needed funding by selling the information to the Sailor's Guild, and encourages exploration. Usually, I would recommend a player's guide just to avoid wasting time with blindly searching for something (remember my entry about Robowarrior?), but I didn't do that the first time I played this game. Making the discovery by chance, or through figuring out the clues provided by NPCs, made it feel much more rewarding. It also allowed for a legitimate competition with Domingo. 

Vyse's decisions determine his Swashbuckler rating and the titles that come with it. While nothing you choose will alter the story, his rating will change the way certain NPCs address him and unlock a few bonus features as it increases, such as being able to recruit another crew member for the ship and unlocking a few more discoveries and optional bosses. Special ranks can be obtained through silly tasks, like excessively fishing or running away several times, while others are earned through completing beneficial side-quest objectives, like recruiting all 22 crew members.

 If one so chooses, picking the wrong answer every time will make Aika come out looking like the real captain. She won't be, of course, but it's certainly entertaining to watch as everyone comes together under the leadership of a complete idiot.

Crew members can provide stat boosts for the ship or abilities to use in battle. They also add to your home base by opening shops, fetching animals, redesigning buildings, creating art, and combining forces for the Blue Rogues super move. It's not as powerful as Prophecy, but it compensates with healing.

Crew members are represented with incredible artwork, but this doesn't always translate well into the graphics.

Pow's adorable either way.

Even if a person owns the original Dreamcast version, the re-release offers plenty of reasons to purchase another copy. In Skies of Arcadia Legends for the GCN, Overworks continued to build upon many aspects of the game by adding new discoveries and bounties, changing the Swashbuckling ratings, replacing the Pinta mini-game with a linked pair of side-quests, working all of the downloadable Dreamcast content into the port, and lowering the encounter rate of the random battles. Last, but not least, it looks better, too.

... or, at least, Evil Aika does.

Feel free to think of Skies of Arcadia as the Dreamcast/GCN variation of Chrono Trigger. It really is that well made. If there was ever a major shortcoming to address in the comparison, it would be the OST. The music isn't bad by any means, but how does one compete with Yasunori Mitsuda, a guy who worked himself into a hospital bed trying to make Trigger's music absolutely perfect, and Nobuo Uematsu, the one who picked up where Mitsuda left off and added ten more phenomenal tracks to the playlist?

All in all, I bored myself with a JRPG remake after somewhat enjoying a JRPG remake, and now I've followed those two up with yet another JRPG remake. Yes, for the moment, I think I've helped enough idealistic teenagers save the world from villains who thought they might be more successful if they tried the same thing on newer consoles. Perhaps I need to try something from a different genre.

That's not really much different from...

Well, maybe...

Seriously, Josh?!