Friday, February 17, 2006

Not Knowing When to Stop

I've spent about a month of free time playing Megaman's 15th Anniversary Collection, which was released a while ago, so he's about 17 years old now, I think. Well, whatever. I've been playing Mega Man games 1 through 8, enjoying all the old tunes, graphics, and, of course, the various robot bosses used by Dr. Wily, Dr. Cossack (under the control of Dr. Wily), a fake Proto Man, who was also under the control of Wily, and Mr. X (A.K.A. Dr Wily). I guess Wily follows that old motto: "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again... at least once a year... in a practically-identical-to-the-previous-attempt fashion." Many say that great things come in groups of three, not eight. This also holds true for the spin-off series of Mega Man X, Mega Man Zero, and Mega Man Battle Network. To be perfectly honest, each of these series should stop at part 2 and go out on top. No one should follow the examples of Michael Jordan and Dan Marino, slowly becoming a joke with each passing year. Once you start seeing the same bosses re-named for the third time (Fire Man --> Heat Man --> Flame Man) it's a sure sign that something needs to drastically change or be cancelled. Capcom decided to change it! Yes, they changed it to Mega Man X, and made all the "Man" robots into animal robots. Genius! Once that gets old, they make Mega Man into a sort of card game, re-using all the old robots, because games centralizing around the theme of collecting cards (I'm sorry, "chips") is a fad that will never get old; kinda like making games about WWII or being a mobster/gangster. Anyhow, most gamers can already tell you all about the problems of Capcom and its barrage of new, but same, Mega Man games, so instead, I would like to address something that is rarely discussed (in Antarctica). That's right, I would like to talk about the robot masters! Oh, joy.

I decided to hold off on this until I had defeated each and every robot master from all 8 games of the 15th anniversary collection, and only when I was too tired to actually think up something interesting to read. Besides, it is easier to compare these guys with each other when all of them are brought together into one game. So, starting from the beginning:


In the original Mega Man game, Dr. Light created the first batch of bots for Rock to face. Seeing as how he created Mega Man himself, one might think these 6 robots would be a bit more intelligent and powerful. Yeah.

Only Elec Man really provides anyone with a decent fight. At full health, he could still kill you in 3 hits. Other variations of him include Spark Man, Cloud Man, and Clown Man. It's pretty obvious that Elec Man was the only guy to make good use of the awesome power of electricity. His attack is very important and I can sum up why with two words: "Yellow Devil." Unfortunately, it's the only weakness of that one-eyed annoyance.

Guts Man may be the strongest (physically) of the bunch, but his attack isn't any more effective than that of most of the other 5 robots. His earned attack is a piece of crap. The only time you may use it is when a block or boulder is nearby, and the only guy it's super effective against is Cut Man, the lamest of the six. Still, a lot of people must like him though, since Guts Man has been seen in a number of Mega Man games, and is even a good guy in the Battle Network series.

Simply put, Cut Man sucks. His attack is helpful throughout the game, but fighting him for it is like fighting a girl scout for a box of those addictively-delicious cookies; in the end, you feel bad for doing so, but you know that was necessary. Even his appearance is pathetic. It was like he was originally supposed to be just another low-class baddie in one of the stages of a real boss, but someone decided to stick Pac-Man on top of his head and make him into a robot master instead.



Bomb Man's concept: a robot that fights with explosives. Brilliant!
Bomb Man's appearance: an overweight robot with a stupid mohawk that fights with bombs made by Acme. Brilliant!!
Bomb Man's weapon: basically turns Mega Man into Bomberman. BRILLIANT!!!

Ice Man is built to be like a real-life Eskimo: he enjoys the taste of blubber and can shoot deadly shards of ice from his hands. Dr. Light also gave him the unique ability to stand in one place the entire time. Ice Man isn't really much of a problem, but without the Magnet beam, his stage is a total pain in the butt once you come to those appearing/disappearing blocks.

I like Fire Man! He looks cool and he fights well. His stage isn't too easy or too difficult. He is the overall best robot in the game. He looks even better in Mega Man Battle Network! Why can't all the robots be like him? :)


With the release of Mega Man 2, we discover how deadly a scuba diver, a zippo lighter, and a giant log truly are! This sequel is considered by many to be the best in the series. With the addition of two more robots to choose from at the start of the game and passwords to allow players the opportunity to stop and save, at the very least, this game is a great improvement over the original.


Bubble Man... who the f--k makes a robot that attacks you with bubbles? Green and blue dinosaurs are one thing, but when you invest a lot of your time towards building a machine that utilizes the full fighting potential of a wet bar of soap, you really need to stop looking at your bathroom for ideas on how to take over the world. On the other hand, after the hell I went through of avoiding all of those insta-kill spikes, I find the actual fight with Bubble Man to a pleasant reward. His weapon doesn't really do much to enhance your gaming experience, since it's no more than just rolling a ball at your enemies. Kid Niki also had painful bubbles to worry about, but when the first boss is called Death Breath, expectations tend to remain low throughout the rest of the game.



Flash Man is a complete embarrassment. After running through a stage full of glowing ice cubes, you are greeted by some Mega Man wannabe with the awesome ability to freeze time. Instead of fully utilizing such a dangerous weapon, he runs back and forth in the room, freezing time only once every 15 to 20 seconds, shooting at only what's in front of him, and only with very basic energy shots. The redeeming quality from the whole experience is being able to survive Quick Man's stage with Flash Man's weapon. If you think about it, if Wily never built Flash Man, no one would ever be able to get through Quick Man's stage, and Dr. Wily would finally succeed at world domination. Hooray for Flash Man!!


Quick Man's name is very misleading. Sure, his giant, insta-kill beams require you to be on your toes, but the guy himself shows no real sign of him being any faster than the other 7 robots. Really, he spends most of his time jumping around and flinging boomerangs. Those things barely hurt, too. The only way Quick Man can actually win the fight is if you let him fall on top of you.

Being able to shoot a steady loop of boomerangs isn't bad, and if you are playing the game with a controller that has semi-auto capabilities, you could hold down the shoot button and it would look like Mega Man was running around with a chainsaw. ^_^


Wood Man is a fat moron who actually tries to kill you with leaves. WITH LEAVES! He also believes those same leaves can be used as a shield from attacks. LEAVES! Ok, so he may be correct, but using leaves is still idiotic. What's next, flowers? HA HA... ha... ha... er.... Ok! So, Mega Man fights Wood Man, cuts him into pieces using the greatest earned weapon in any Mega Man game, and receives a sweet little leaf shield that is great for standing still while those mama bird bots in Crash Man's stage keep dropping eggs full of tiny birds that provide lots of useful items. I'm sure there's a penis joke about Wood Man somewhere on the net, but I'm not about to go browsing for it.

80% Nitrogen + 20% Oxygen = 100% dead Crash Man. There are several questionable weaknesses for Wily's robot masters, but when you create a bot who is greatly affected by air, you really gotta wonder what possessed the bad doctor to even bother with this guy. He has such a great weapon, too! It would have been a better idea to save his body design for one of those other robots who aren't really bad fighters, but look like complete idiots (Charge Man, Plant Man, Cloud Man, Star Man, etc.). Really, that's the only problem I have with this guy. It's not like he dies to that giant cyclone of wind from Tengu Man or Storm Eagle. It's this tiny tornado that I've seen Mario use to skip levels in Super Mario Bros. 3; and it's the same tornado Link uses to teleport from one entrance to another in The Legend of Zelda. In both games, the tornado is summoned with a flute, which is why I punch out the first person I see playing a musical instrument whenever a hurricane comes into Florida. Granted, this person probably didn't summon a natural disaster with his music, but why take that chance?!

Heat Man is a zippo lighter whose stage is the sole reason for Item-2 being in the game. I still can't find a reason for Item-3. His weapon is the first time Mega Man actually gets to charge up his attack before unleashing it on his foes. Heat Man is cool. Those of you who make fun of Heat Man are too blind to see why a zippo is the perfect symbol for a fire-themed bot. Those things are more durable than the chair used to hold up my best friend Jeremy's fat butt.

I've always liked Air Man, and my first memories of Mega Man were seeing those floating heads in Air Man's stage that raise and lower their horns while little, annoying robots come out from the sides to bother me. Fighting him isn't difficult, but it's impossible to not get hit by his twisters.

Metal Man is the greatest robot master in all 8 games! His level is fun, as is fighting him at the end of it. His weapon is the only thing greater than himself. He even looks awesome. Everything about Metal Man is perfect. What else can I say about him?

Well, proving that lightning can strike thrice, a third Mega Man game was released that was every bit as good (and bad) as the second one.

Hard Man is another penis joke waiting to be told. He is good at squishing you and his weapon is a bit slow on its ability to move up and down, but it works a bit like Crash Man's weapon, so that's fine, I guess.

Spark Man is a douchebag. He looks like an idiot and his weapon has no originality to it. A big ball of electricity hits things. Oooo, wow!



Snake Man's appearance is alright. Who doesn't like snakes? The floor makes it hard to avoid him or his search snakes, but he is still easy enough to gun down with your M. Buster.



Magnet Man has a great weapon, but it's not until Mega Man Battle Network that he actually looks good, too. As for MM3, Magnet Man looks like a red Cutman. There is nothing special about him outside of something stupid on his head. I can't really be mean to the guy whose weapon helps me kill off about half of the Doc bots at Wily's fortress, but that's still not enough to ignore the way he looks.


Here we go! Top Man introduced the first weapon that allowed Mega Man to get physical with his opponents. Actually, I never use Top Man's weapon, because touching the robot to spin attack him always gets me hit as well. "Oh, his weapon is so useful, especially against Wily!" Bah! I've beaten that game quite a few times and never did I rely upon Top Spin to kill anything, except myself whenever I was getting bored. The other thing about Top Man is that he is the first toy-based robot. You might be saying that he is the only toy-based robot, but let's not forget about Spring Man, who is unoffically based upon the Slinky, or Junk Man, whose name obviously means he was based loosely upon one of those choking hazards that comes with a Happy Meal. A better idea would be Top Gun Man; a robot with an arm cannon that could shoot slow-moving male volleyball players at Rock. When fully charged, the cannon would fire an oily, half-naked Maverick at its targets! He'd be the second greatest robot master ever built (the first being Chuck Norris Man, whose body is immune to all attacks and destroys his opponents with an unstoppable roundhouse kick).


Gemini Man is the product of two great ideas: the laser beam and the threesome. Gemini Man is another bot who prefers to mow down Mega Man rather than actually attack him. The catch is that he likes to create a clone of himself and run in a circular pattern, waiting for Mega Man to shoot first. Clever. The only thing I dislike about his weapon is missing with it. Watching it bounce around the screen quickly becomes annoying as you are being attacked and are unable to fire back until the laser finally disappears.

Shadow Man is the MM3 equivalent of Metal Man. His attack can be aimed like Metal Man's and he is a pain in the balls to deal with. While his floor isn't moving you back and forth, Shadow Man makes up for this by only being weak to Top Man's sucktastic attack. Spinning your way to victory is never a sure bet, since the attack tends to vary in its potency and is difficult to connect with. Actually, the guy moves all over the board, flinging trios of stars and sliding across the floor. Hitting him with any weapon quickly becomes a challenge.

Finally, my favorite robot in part 3, good 'ol Needle Man. His level isn't much to worry about, but the guy is prepared for everything. If Mega Man keeps his distance, Needle Man meets him with a barrage of spikes from his arm cannon. If Mega Man gets too close, Needle Man switches to using a very painful headbutt. While four hits with the Gemini Laser is all it takes to kill him, it's also very easy to miss him, and you know what that means: waiting for that stupid laser to disappear so that you can shoot at him again.


And that's it! Mega Man 1 introduced gamers to the Blue Bomber and parts 2 and 3 made the series into a major success. After that, it's really nothing but a bunch of clone games with robot masters using variations of all of the attacks found within the first 3 games. Sure, there are a few robots worth mentioning, and I wouldn't leave them out, but I don't fell inclined to give every robot its own paragraph.

Mega Man 4: Cossack sucks!

The Good - Pharoah Man has enough intelligence to switch between basic shots and charged blasts. He moves quickly and his attack is rather painful. He looks powerful and his earned weapon is handy in a lot of situations.


The Bad - Toad Man jiggles, gets shot, and re-jiggles until he is dead. Sure, his weapon is good for clearing the screen, but against you, he never gets to use it unless you're actually stupid enough not attack him.

More Bad - I guess if Mega Man had asthma, Dust Man would likely be his worst nightmare, but seeing as how Mega Man doesn't actually breath to survive, I fail to see why a dirt-slinging robot master is a good idea.


Mega Man 5: why?!

The Good - Star Crash (aka. Leaf Shield version 3.0) and Dark Man

The Bad - All 8 masters are pathetic and 7 of their weapons suck! Star Man is one of the poorest-looking robots in
the series.


Mega Man 6: proves why Dr. Wily is the master of disguise

The Good - watching a car run over the cartridge


The Bad - Wind Man, Tomahawk Man, Knight Man, Flame Man, Blizzard Man, Yamato Man, Plant Man, Centaur Man, all of the bosses found within Wily's fortress, Proto Man, Mega Man, Dr. Light, Dr. Cossack, and the Capcom staff who created it. Let's throw Carrot Top in there, too, just because.

Leaf Shield version 4.0 - Petal Barrier


Mega Man 7 - There's Wario and Shadow the Hedgehog, so why not Bass and Treble!

The Good - Slash Man and Shade Man both provide decent weapons. Shade Man has one of the best stages in the series, while Slash Man is one of the meanest robot masters Mega Man has ever had to fight.


The Bad - Cloud Man. As if being the king of clouds isn't bad enough, you can defeat him by trapping him in a giant bubble. He's also fat.

My favorite robot master - Junk Man. He comes complete with Leaf Shield version 5.0.



Mega Man 8 - voice acting for Mega Man is a girl?

The Good - all the robot masters put up a good fight and have personalities. Everyone likes Tengu Man!

The Bad - Aqua Man's water balloons. It's not so much "Ha-ha." funny as it is "Oh, that was supposed to be a joke?" funny. I understand. I make a lot of those jokes, too (many of which are found in this awful blog).


I know I didn't put much emphasis on the Mega Man games past part 3, and I don't care. MM4 wasn't that fun and MMs 5 and 6 are downright awful. Mega Man 7 has a better batch of robots, but that's only after a long reluctance by Capcom to switch from the NES to SNES. As a result, the fans of the series are reduced to poor sequels from the NES or mixed bags of robot masters pulled from each of the NES games and shrunk into Game Boy sequels. What's weird is that despite the re-using of the robot masters, the Game Boy versions actually provided a few decent new ideas later used in Mega Man 7 (Sorry, Tengo isn't one of them).

As a single game, the Anniversary Collection was fun, if only because of the first 3 games. Oh, there are also the Power Battles one can unlock from defeating the robot masters from the other 8 games, but those are two of the worst fighters I've ever played! Cacpom doesn't even make original sprites for all the characters. Robot masters from Mega Man 7 are cut and pasted onto the Power Battles, mixed in with a bunch of giant cartoony drawings of robots from the other 6 games. Every ending is a plead from the Power Battles to be put out of its misery, and strategy is little more than you rapidly pounding on the fire button, which is likely why the arcade games weren't released in the states. Sure, you get to use the weapons of each fighter you defeat, but they really don't add anything to the battles. It's these sorts of games, where the sole purpose is to squeeze out a few more dollars off the fame of the series alone, that make me sick. Granted, without Mega Man, Capcom would have never survived long enough to release Street fighter II, but where's the sense in punishing its fans with all of these mediocre sequels? "Thanks for making Capcom a success. Here's a clump of s*** shaped like a Nintendo cartridge. Enjoy!"


*cough* Queer! *cough*