Not Knowing When to Stop 3: Jusdie, X!

With X4, players will now have the opportunity to take control of either X or Zero from start to finish. The bonus is that choosing one of them will not feel like a retread for those wishing to complete the game with the other. Each hunter comes with his own attacks, strategies, and storyline, while each boss comes with his own obnoxious "WARNING" signal. The animated cut-scenes are fun to watch, but not to listen to. I found myself nearly doubling the volume in order to hear the voices. X speaks with a high-pitched, sissy voice similar to that of the original blue bomber.

Everything else is the same. Surprised?

The developers prefer you choose X first, since it's with him that you'll witness the conversation between General and a cloaked individual with familiar face paint. While the big man may refuse to declare war on the humans, it isn't long before the Repliforce begins an assault on the Sky Lagoon. It's up to (insert your choice) and only (insert your choice) to handle this mission, because (insert the one you didn't choose) is busy (insert masturbation joke) elsewhere.

In a nutshell, you make your way through the debris, beat up a bunch of weaklings, talk with Magma Dragoon about what's happening, teleport to the ground, beat up more weaklings, hop out of a pit trap, and destroy the mecha dragon (possibly for the second time) who doesn't put up a real fight, because he's the first boss and all first bosses suck.


"Ok, they get it. Now, shut the f*** up!"

With X, you'll meet up with an uncooperative Colonel who'd rather start a war than put down his weapon and talk. Under normal situations, I could understand his mistrust, but he's face to face with the guy who saved their planet three times already. I think we can give X the benefit of the doubt.

"You will all die for the sake of my honor!"

With Zero, you'll find Iris, the Colonel's sister, lying helpless on the ground. After you take out the mecha dragon, the Colonel will be grateful, but equally unwilling to disarm.


**Missing: her beret and chest.**

With this, General declares war on the humans. Sigma laughs manically.

Once Zero returns to base, he finds Iris waiting for him. She begs him to not fight her brother, but as a maverick hunter, he has no choice. When X returns, he is greeted by a different pair of breasts:


Double is a rookie hunter who stands by Mega Man's side throughout much of the game. There isn't much to say about him, since he never actually does anything to help you.


Both heroes must fight eight maverick bosses, but in X4, they will converse with the enemy before the battle. Usually, it's a final attempt to convince the maverick to "end the coup." This may not seem like a big deal to many of you, but it does signify a real purpose for them to fight. They're not just waiting around for you to find them, like heavily-armed cheese at the end of some dangerous maze. These guys have other things to do.


Magma might come first in the maverick order, but I prefer the arachnid. The leg upgrade is very easy to acquire, the level reminds me of Super Mario Bros. 2, and the boss is a cross between the original maverick spider from MMX1 and Squitter the Spider from Donkey Kong Country.


The maverick lives up to his name by spewing homing webs at your hunter throughout the entire battle. With a little practice (very little), you can dash underneath most of them. If you rather play it safe, climb the wall and leap over each one. Other than that, Web will spend much of his time impersonating a pinata. When his end draws near, Web will construct a giant web in the middle of the room and scurry around on it. X has nothing to worry about, but Zero's close range can be a problem (a minor one).

Defeating him will grant X the Lightning Web, which allows him to reach higher areas, and will allow Zero to unleash a slow and powerful burst of electricity known as the Rajingeki technique.


**Also known as Gemini Man's penis**

Split Mushroom lives in a bio lab full of spikes. Nearly everything has some sort of pointy protrusion sticking out of it. Just be glad that most of those pricks aren't fatal.

Split will cling to the wall and drop featureless clones of himself onto the ground. They will then begin to spin in your direction. It's best to jump over the first one, wait for the next to fly by, and continue on with the pattern. If you have lightning, feel free to strike. The shock will interrupt his inital attack, causing him to resort to his second strategy.

You may have seen it before. The fungus will leap into the air, create a true clone of himself, and the two of them will move around in a circle. It's your job to hit the real one, but that won't be easy, since they will be rotating at different speeds. Once again, if you have lightning, just keep hitting him with it. He'll never have a chance to fight back.

Defeating him will grant Zero the ability to double jump, and will allow Mega Man to clone himself with Soul Body.


Magma Dragoon is a traitor from the 14th Unit who can easily pummel anyone and everyone foolish enough to battle him first. Luckily, you have the option to challenge this Akuma wannabe from within a ride armor. You'll probably wipe out about half of Dragoon's life bar before your armor falls apart. At this point, you may have the advantage, but don't get complacent. Dragoon is still a dangerous opponent. I prefer to fight Magma with a few heart tanks and/or one of the energy tanks for support, but that's just me.

For such a difficult opponent, you'd think the reward would be something special. Both attacks, the Rising Fire and the Ryuenjin, allow your hunter to strike enemies directly above him. It sounds useful, but over the years, many fans have grown accustomed to Mega Man's inability to raise his arm another 90 degrees. It's not even a convenient weapon to use as a counterattack against the game's obligatory ice maverick. Don't worry. You'll be thankful to have it when you run into the bald reaper.


Out of the frying pan, and into the freezer.

If you wanted to begin the game with Frost Walrus, then by all means, go get him! He is nothing more than your standard big-n-slow boss with a huge disadvantage against long-range fire. His attacks include shooting ice from his mouth, creating obstacles with his cold breath, and sliding on his tummy. Think of him as a more blubbery version of Chill Penguin.


**Sorry, but I couldn't find a picture of "Big Jim" Sweeney**

On the plus side, he's probably the toughest of all the video game walruses.

Once you finish off four of the mavericks, Colonel will wish to battle you. If you're Zero, you get to watch a cut-scene. If you're X, the fight is suppose to determine whether or not the war continues. You defeat him, he flees, and the war continues. Dumb, f***ing liar.


Throughout much of the stage, you'll be chasing after Jet Stingray. At first, he'll try to distance himself by removing the dead weight stuck to his tail. It's best to leap over this obstacle, but if you time it just right, your vehicle should be able to dash right through Irwin's lifeless corpse unscathed.

Skimming through the walkthroughs of Gamefaq.com, I believe too much is said about fighting this guy. All I had to do was stand behind him with Zero and repeatedly jump and swing at his back. No special weapons needed. With X, I stood under him, jumped, and stopped him from attacking by using the frost tower. Without that attack, this guy is a real prick.


Slash Beast is an enigma. If you have no life or friends (and use Purin as an avatar), you'll spend an hour or two finding answers for the mysteries of this maverick:

First, if it's his job to protect the train, why is he not on it? I practically wiped out everything, including the floor I stood on, before he made an appearance.

Second, when he does make his appearance, he is fast enough to run alongside the train, but utilizes none of that speed during our battle?

Third, as Slash hops aboard the train, he lands on top of one of the cargo boxes. Once again, wasn't it his job to protect those? Perhaps he was trying to intimidate me.


"Very good, but [metal box] not hit back!"

Finally, I'd like to know which old kung-fu movie this line was inspired by: "Challenging my unit was both foolish and reckless! You are nothing more than my prey... One that is soon to be retired!"

Slash Beast's strategy is similar to that of Slash Man, but a little more difficult. As you can tell by now, this seems to be the trend with the eight mavericks.


Peacock's stage is set up like an obstacle course. Heat-seeking triangles, flying light bulbs, and even special appearances by the megatanks from Code Lyoko will do everything possible to stop you from attaining a perfect score.


Don't EVER watch this cartoon!

You are graded on how well you perform, and regardless of how slow and pitiful you are, Cyber will say the same thing every time:

"Peacock: His potential... is limitless?! ...not possible."

He's tough, but you'll never have to worry about him fighting back, since he's one of those robot masters who are at a tremendous disadvantage against anyone who exploits his weakness.


Storm Eagle's dumpy, younger brother.

Shoot the hooter with the Aiming Laser, a difficult-to-use targeting weapon of limited range, or use the Rakuhouha, Zero's energy-consuming giga attack. I wish I could say more about him, but Storm Owl, much like Tony Hawk, has absolutely no personality worth mentioning.

Once the final maverick has been defeated, the entire Repliforce army retreats into space, and all the boss battles here on out will now include one or two lines of vocal taunting.

You're first opponent will be a rematch with the Colonel at the space port. Iris will beg Zero for mercy, but you already know how this is gonna go down.


"I swear that I probably won't flee this time if you win."

Any damage you receive before reaching the Colonel will be in his favor. There are no health tanks near the end of the stage, so be careful.

The fight will be straightforward and boring. His only new attack involves turning his sword into a lightning rod. You shouldn't have too much trouble with him, but if you're looking for a quick win, Frost Tower and Kuuenzan will do nicely.

When you return to HQ, you may want to refill your tanks and locate any remaining heart pieces and body parts before proceeding to the Final Weapon.


With X, you'll get to watch a neat video clip (I'm sure you can find it on YouTube) that shows Double's transformation into whom many refer to as "Jello Man."

"There's always room for beatings!"

Double can be quite a handful. It's best to use only the X-Buster for this match, because if he is struck by the Double Cyclone (his weakness), Jello will retaliate with flying, laser bots.


...and that's where babies come from!

Iris is not all that compatible with the battle armor she wears during the fight. Once you hit her a few times, a purple crystal will leave her body and float around the area, firing at you vertically, in conjuction with her horizontal beam. The crystal is the only vulnerable spot, so don't waste your time trying to hit on Iris, unless you know she's good and drunk.

I may be mistaken, but I believe Iris is the first female boss in a Mega Man game; beating Tron Bonne by a few months.


**She's also featured as a centerfold in the June 2000 issue of Almost Legal magazine**

After your first hard-fought battle, you get to participate in another one, but first...


an overdramatic death scene!

I don't understand why she has to be dead. Couldn't Zero just have her rebuilt; or, at the very least, make love to her lifeless corpse? No need for her death to be in vain.

"You're a queer!"

General is a massive reploid.


An idea of how big this guy really is.

As you approach him, General will stand up, causing his chair to explode (I don't know why). He will gradually make his way across the room using a pair of jets whose blue flame will hurt if your hunter gets too close. He'll also stomp the ground, breaking the floor under him and causing more blue fire to shoot up out of it (I don't know where it came from). You'll need to reach his face, if you want to win this thing. Like Sigma and Wily before him, General will provide you with a pair of platforms in the form of his hands. Sounds generous enough, except when he shoots at you as you're trying to get into position. There's always a catch, isn't there?

X may be able to keep his distance and fire him while clinging to the wall, but using Zero is going to require some practice. You're best bet is to strike at his head while jumping over him. Even with the fists to hop on, it's not likely that you'll have enough time to leap at him and connect with your saber before one of his projectiles stun you.

As Tiny crumbles, you finds out that he is no longer in control of the weapon, which is now pointed at the planet.

Fight the eight Repliforce mavericks again, you say? OK!


Victory attainment procedure: just add fire

Grim Sigma isn't much of a threat to your life bar, but when you come face-to-face-to-face with Sigma's third form(s), you're really gonna want to have as much health as possible.


Sigma has been remunerated for his appearance.

As long as his scythe is never thrown into the ground, there is a chance for you to come out of this unharmed. Unfortunately, you will need the leg upgrade and a handful of luck to do it.


Two heads are better than one, but let's add three more just in case.

At the start of this battle, Sigma has graciously provided your hunter with a pellet of health. As I said, it is possible to not take damage in the second round, but highly unlikely. This little gift allows for a small margin of error. Be thankful.

The lesser of two evils clings to the wall, firing a laser gun that prevents him from moving his arm during each shot. Just don't stare into the gun's barrel and you should have no problem with this part.

In between the two forms, you'll have to deal with red, blue, and yellow. Blow them up if you want to, but the attack won't last long, and the three will be back to help/hurt you during a brief assault by Sigma's hideous second form.

Here's where I had the most trouble. When he appears, if you try to keep your distance, Sigma will blow you into a wall of spikes. If you get too close, he'll try to suck you in. With X, you can keep dashing against the wind, firing your arm cannon into his nasty, metallic mouth, but with Zero, you'll need to a bit more precise with your positioning (as shown in the image above). If you have X's lingering arm upgrade, the stationary blast will continuously damage baldy and nullify most of the spewing debris he inhaled earlier.

The ending isn't interesting, but none of the Mega Man endings are, and I doubt any of them ever will be.

Sigma goes for global destruction, but with no success. Thanks, big guy!

Both hunters dwell on the past and worry about the future (so, what else is new?), but if you still don't know where Zero came from, then you have something worth playing for.

It's hard to not like X4. Every aspect of the X series was mildly improved upon. It may feel like you're just getting more of the same thing, but in reality, you're getting more of the same thing!

And for a moment, I thought Capcom had a good thing going, but, in X5 and 6, too many changes and additions ruin the series.


Who could the mysterious voice be?

It all begins with Mysterious Voice and ?? having a conversation about how to deal with the maverick hunters. ?? wants to know if X and Zero are as strong as Mysterous Voice claims them to be. Mysterious Voice tells ?? to observe as he does battle with them.


Defeating Sigma's giant floating head releases the Sigma Virus, which have become actual floating obstacles for X. Ok, this doesn't make sense. Computer viruses are not real viruses, and even if they were, they should not be seen by the human eye (or even with a light microscope), nor should they be able to move about freely from their hosts. Four games go by with us trying to contain this plague, and now Sigma somehow figures out how to unleash his virus in the form ghostlike heads of himself? Of course, as a Mega Man fan, it's our duty to turn a blind eye towards any attempt by Capcom to flesh out the story, no matter how desperate they become to create an interesting plot.

Case in point, you have new allies (Alia, Douglas, and Signas) to provide more idiotic conversation, but no actual support, and a new arch rival named Dynamo:


"X! Tell us about your feelings!"


He's as overconfident as Bass, but comes with a personality as well.


As if the return of Sigma, the arrival of Dynamo, and the illogical flying swarms of purple people possessers isn't outlandish enough, the Eurasia Space Colony has exploded, and it's going to crash into the planet unless you hurry up and find the four mavericks who have the parts needed to activate some old, powerful cannon capable of destroying it.

Still not enough suspense?


Well, the letter B has gone maverick, waging war on the rest alphabet!

There is also a time limit to worry about, with you being ranked by your performance, and to earn extra goodies, the 8 robots must be fought at levels 4 or higher.

More, Capcom! More!

Ok. How about the addition of more upgrades?


Dr. Light must have had a lot of free time after creating X, considering all the new sets of armor he created and hid throughout the world. These include the Falcon, Gaea, Hyper, Nova, Blade, and Shadow armors.

What put me over the edge was the inclusion of this prick!


"I'm baaaaack. Come give your old friend a hug."

I've never defeated the yellow devil from the first Mega Man game, and I've grown to hate every other devil because of it.


Sigma's final form takes after one of Wily's contraptions, and is just as easy to destroy.

If Zero went Maverick, X will be saved by another "??" individual and lose all his memory of Zero. If Zero remains an ally, he dies saving your blue butt. X gets to keep his sword, but that still leaves me wondering about how robots can die.

Zero continues to think about Iris, Sigma, and his creator. Riveting.

As for X6, let's make this brief:


Gate finds Zero's DNA (don't ask), turns evil, makes robots called "nightmares" to transform innocent robots into mavericks. If you destroy them, you can collect their souls (don't ask). Somehow, collecting souls allows you to use more parts (don't ask).

Assisting him is High Max, a hulking moron that you'll hate dealing with in the near future, and while dealing with the other 8 mavericks, you discover their willingness to help Gate, regardless of whether or not they see him as a villian.


Even with the Shadow armor, this guy is a pain.


F*** you, Metal Shark Player!

It was only a matter of time before a dung beetle would go maverick.

Reaching the end is difficult, even with all the parts and armors to assist you. Once you defeat Gate, Sigma will finally make his appearance. He wasn't around for the rest of the game, but we all knew he had to be lurking somewhere.


Look out below!

In his first form, Sigma will fall to ground, landing headfirst into the floor. He'll slowly pick himself up and shuffle across the floor in a seemingly drunken stupor, using a green shield for protection and firing small orbs of energy first, then unleashing large blasts of energy later in the battle. The metal anchor will cause him to fall backwards, but enough shots from your X buster will have the same effect. He shouldn't be too much trouble, but even if he was, his other form isn't much stronger.


He may look impressive, but Sigma has lost his mind.



Having gone unconscious, Sigma runs on sheer determination and hatred for you. What a trooper!

There are three endings, and all of them suck.
1. X and Alia talk about repairing Gate.
2. X and Alia are greeted by Zero who then quickly leaves them.
3. Zero goes into slumber for over 100 years.

Once you've completed all six games, feel free to enjoy the Mario Kart knock-off of Mega Man Battle & Chase. Sure, the racing looks awful, but I still managed to enjoy myself.


"I own the road, motherf***ers!"