Did I just play IV again?

Final Fantasy III starts off like every other JRPG from the franchise, with an innocent-minded teenage boy trying to make ends meet by becoming a gigolo. Failing to understand the "ins and outs" of his new occupation, however, the youth decides to go off on an adventure to save the world instead. To prove his worth, Luneth battles a giant turtle residing in Altar Cave. Not exactly the most convincing bit of evidence to present before the village elder, but that's why he follows it up with the claim that a floating rock told him to do it. The first person to join Luneth on his journey is his best friend, and foil, Arc. Arc is a timid bookworm who manages to build up enough courage to head over to the nearby village of Kazus to prove he's not a coward and that ghosts don't exist. Upon seeing the cursed residents, Arc pollutes his pants and hides. Luneth eventually catches up and helps Arc to clean himself at a nearby wellspring. They meet Cid, who offers them the key to his airship so long as they use it to find and defeat the bastard who cursed him and the village. The being responsible is said to be a djinn with a terrible sense of fashion.

Supposedly, the power of darkness has provided this guy with enough strength to qualify as a low-level boss. Not that they're needed, but the game provides our yaoi couple with two more companions, both of whom were fortuitously away at the time of the incident. A swift kick to the balls and a single Antarctic Wind later, the djinn (along with his peacock pants) is sealed inside a mithril ring which was later traded for a SNES copy of Final Fantasy III, because Princess Sara was convinced that it was a far more enjoyable sequel than the actual FFIII game. Meanwhile, the other four are teleported to Altar Cave to learn of their destiny.

"Warriors! Ivan Ooze has escaped! Recruit a team of movie producers with attitude!"

Back in the cave, the gang is provided with lucrative job opportunities, such as becoming a Warrior, given the prestigious title of "Warriors of Light" by a giant floating crystal, and are treated to Freedom Call's song Warriors. A bit of a theme going on here, eh? It's a shame the crystal didn't end it's conversation with, "Can you dig it?" From there, the rest of the game plays out like most Final Fantasy titles, meaning it's nothing more than 50+ hours of experience grinding and helping literally every town, kingdom, and/or inhabited cave your party comes across. This sort of 8-bit plot isn't a problem if it's interesting, or if the characters are charismatic. Final Fantasy III has neither of these selling points and minimal effort was made to change that in the remake. Unlike the original, the story here isn't quite as interesting as Garland's endless time loop of evil. Hell, it's not even half as entertaining as his spin-off sports game Garland's Pro-Bowling.

"You impertinent fools. I, Garland, will knock you all down!!"

With the first sequel, strong changes were made to include a cast of adventurers worth giving a shit about, even if the overall journey they took part in was trite. The developers even went in a different direction with the leveling system by relying upon increased proficiency in the weapons and spells each person used. With the GBA remake, even the deceased got to enjoy a bit of glory in the end thanks to the Soul of Rebirth side-story, which also helped further Minwu's career in attaining the role of Shadi in the Yu-Gi-Oh series.

"I also design outfits for Namekians and construct towns for people who always end up throwing me in jail."

For whatever reason, Square didn't seem to care for the deviations and gamers got more of what they saw in 1987, except the execution wasn't quite as impressive.

For starters, FFIII suffers from all of the usual problems found in most RPGs. It revolves around a lackluster 8-bit plot with Nintendo Hard mechanics, lazy backstories, ineffective offensive status spells, and, of course, excessive random battles. The remake came with an unlimited amount of store space which would have been more appreciated by a gamer if the item limit wasn't still kept at 99 (this also makes the Fat Chocobo worthless). Direction is somewhat vague throughout the journey - The residents of Vikings' Cove want you to deal with the rampaging Nepto Dragon in exchange for their ship. Oh, did the game forget to mention that you were suppose to ignore the ship, go up to the temple, and fight a giant rat, instead? Oops! The job system is implemented horribly. Leveling each one is a chore, but obtainable gear is generally job-specific. This means the best gear at a particular moment is likely going to belong to whatever you decided against using, so your options are to change jobs or continue to rely upon low-level armor and weapons. On top of this, some bosses are obnoxiously powerful partially because the attack order seems to be unpredictable (I was casting party-wide heal magic every turn just to play it safe) and partially because you either need to switch jobs to take advantage of their weaknesses or grind until you can overpower them with whatever you feel like using. Garuda is a prime example of this. Prior to his battle, only Dragoon armor and weapons can be found within the walls of Saronia, and NPCs talk of how wind/sky attacks would be the most effective means of defeating him. Knowing when to take a blatant hint, I stood under Garuda and repeatedly shouted, "Shazam" until he fell to the ground. Then, the other three repeatedly kicked his charred body while Prince Alus begged them to stop. Lastly, some of the abilities associated with jobs make little sense. 

Why must I be a Ninja to know how to do this?!

It's not all bad for FF3 though. If nothing else, I must praise the DS remake for its graphics. Just look at how adorable your party members are!

Another flawless MS Paint job!

There is also an exquisite opening cinematic for the game using CG graphics which would have been a perfect first impression if not for those creepy faces:

Luneth can see into your soul!

For all the effort put into making this remake look amazing, it's a shame that Square Enix and Matrix Software did almost nothing to utilize the dual screens of the handheld. They also half-assed the summon animations with no excuse to justify it. Let me put it this way, Golden Sun: The Lost Age offered better summons in 2003 on the GBA. If Camelot was in charge of revitalizing this game, I'm sure they would have provided a much stronger showing of the DS's graphical capabilities.

Sigh, every popularity contest I've seen between the Final Fantasy games has always included FFIII near the bottom of the list, and I can't say I'm surprised. There's no real draw to this. Every major aspect of it is sorely lacking. It's a perfect little time waster for completionists, and fans of the franchise will play any steaming pile of shit branded with the Final Fantasy label, but that's about it.

RAPE TIME!