And now I favor Gilius.

I recently bought a video game that wasn't made decades ago. No, it wasn't part of a Humble Bundle, either, so shut the fuck up, Paul! After wrapping up my blog about sky pirates, I decided to purchase Sonic & All-Stars Racing Transformed, because it has Vyse in it, along with Rhaknam, who makes a cameo appearance under the islands of the Rogue's Landing track. Seriously, that's why I bought it. It certainly wasn't because Wreck-It Ralph is a playable character. Who's bright idea was that shit? Oh, I can't wait to choose a racer with "wreck" in his name! Typing of wrecks, Danica Patrick is also a playable character. What she has to do with actual racing is beyond me, but it's interesting to note that she is the only character whose vehicle will automatically smash itself during the first lap. The occurrence is random, and there's nothing the player can do to prevent it. Once, after I selected her, the Danicar exploded the moment the race began and all I could do was watch her walk out from the flaming rubble and sign autographs for Billy Hatcher and his friends.

In Sonic & Sega All-Star Racing, the Racing Rooster requires a microtransaction of twenty-five cents from the player before a race can begin. Even then, all it does is slowly move back and forth to carnival music.

Billy isn't a playable racer in the sequel, because Sega refuses to pay any more royalties to Wonder Bread for his vehicle's appearance. Fortunately, he can still be seen in the game as a sticker. As a sticker! The kid has an entire race track themed after his game, and he, apparently, wasn't popular enough to be part of its background. Yeah, thumbs up to you too, Billy ...you fucking dork.

Sonic & All-Stars Racing With An Unnecessarily Long Title For A Simple Kart Racing Game Transformed, or "S&ASRWAULTFASKRGT" for short, should not be viewed as the poor man's Mario Kart, because that title went to Konami Krazy Karts Racers over a decade ago when it recreated the series in a seemingly blatant manner, with special exception to the weapons and characters whose fame doesn't hold a red candle to the amount of recognition for Nintendo's mascots.

You wanted Goemon? You got Goemon! You wanted Snake? You got, um, Gray Fox. You wanted Simon Belmont? You got whatever the Hell that thing in the back is suppose to be.

Sega's racing sequel does quite a bit more than play the role of a Mario Kart doppelganger. It offers up a cast that digs into Sega's rich library, much like Nintendo does with the Smash Bros series, and follows that up with the obvious request of including people outside of Sega's virtual world, like Yogscast's Simon Lane and three of the members of the Team Fortress 2 family: Spy, Pyro, and Heavy. The selection depends upon the version a person buys. As of this moment, more DLC is being created, including more faces behind the wheel. For an idea that Nintendo utilized in the Fighting genre, it's a shame they haven't done much of the same thing with their Racing series outside of Japanese arcades. It would be better than trying to fill out their roster with a bunch of baby versions of main characters who would be constantly pooping their Pampers, tossing them out like brown banana peels, and smearing the fecal matter all over the place until it looked like a stage from Super Mario Sunshine.

Here's a smart move on my part. A callback to a blog entry no one read.

The race tracks exhibit a great deal of personality, more so than many of the locations found in the Mario Kart series, and not only do they represent the games where many of the drivers originate from, but also of some of Sega's other gems, like The House of the Dead, Panzer Dragoon, and Burning Rangers. Most reward exploration and experimentation with all sorts of forking routes, shortcuts, and ramps for stunt boosts that can be sought out by any one driver thanks to unlockable vehicle modifications. This is a sort of courtesy to those of us who prefer to select the same mascot(s), even when their standard attributes are not necessarily the best choice for a particular course. In addition to the usual Grand Prix, Time Attack, and Single Race modes, there's also the World Tour, a series of mission-based races that rewards the player with stars needed to unlock vehicle mods, drivers, tracks, and Expert Mode. There are achievements or stickers that can be earned for a variety of reasons, though this sort of feature has become a standard for video games nowadays. Still, it's amazing how much is packed into each course. Rather than winning, take the time to slow down and admire the view. Plenty of cameos to look for, including Ecco the Dolphin, Big the Cat, and the giant, godlike presence of an all-seeing Amiga. Not to be outdone by aesthetics, Sonic & All-Stars also delivers a soundtrack that's almost as glorious as that of Sonic '06 (which was awful in every other imaginable way), offering numerous remixed versions of popular music from various Sega games, as well as a personal all-star theme song for each character when activated. All in all, I should be proclaiming this as, like, the bestest racing game on karts ever!

"Does it not totes yagotes?"

Almost, but no, Upset Earl, it does not. While Sumo Digital clearly put a great deal of love and hard work into this offering, there are a few things I've experienced that left me feeling cheated. I once found myself stopped because of a closed door on the Burning Rangers stage that did not open as we approached it. A few days later, while racing Ocean View, I fell through the track near the end of the third lap and, like with Burning Depths, was stuck with six other drivers, all of whom were sliding back and forth against the wall in a similar fashion to those idiots in Arathi Basin who believe they're going to reach the Farm's flag before I do by mount-humping the starting gate. Hey, if you ain't sportin' a movement buff that I lack, you might as well continue on towards Blacksmith!

I lost all my screenshots of Juppiter flexing arrogantly, so here's a picture of Chance and Cooper as puppies cowering under the table arrogantly.

Vehicle transformation is generally seamless, except in a few areas, like in the Dream Valley where converting back into the aircraft seems to result in a troublesome hard right turn into an invisible wall, regardless of what direction I aim the joystick. Each type handles differently, as would be expected of a car, boat, and plane, with the boat being the most difficult to control. Periodically, I will hit a wave and watch my racer get turned around long enough to fall to last place. Sailing's a tricky bitch to master, I suppose. Since tracks will be altered with each passing lap, everyone will need to switch to a different vehicle mode to adapt. This is the excuse one can use to combat the whining of the fanbase when it comes to Sonic in a Racing title. Without it, many would waste their time polluting internet forums with gibberish like, "Why would Sonic need to drive a car," instead of the usual, "Hey everyone! Rate my new original creation. He looks just like Sonic, but he has neon yellow fur and his eyes are different colors!" Sigh, while I can't quite figure out the reasoning for producing these look-a-like fan characters, they're still better than abusing the old South Park templates that were around back when I played Starcraft with people quoting Zero Wing, proclaiming themselves to be "Gosu," and adding SSJ- to their account names.

I'm somewhat out of the loop of what's popular to exploit nowadays. Is it still fake CCG cards? Fsjal?

Ponified bullshit?

I guess it doesn't matter. The point I was trying to make is that since many race tracks require the hedgehog to take to the sky or sail across the water, people now have a valid reason to shut up about Sonic being in a vehicle: because he can not swim, he can not fly, and, just throwing this in for good measure, he can not appear in a 3D Platformer that doesn't bring shame to the Sonic Team developers.

Meanwhile, perfectly concealed, Knuckles indulges in his voyeurism unabashed.

Another odd thing I'd like to point out is Amy Rose. Not Amy Rose herself, though I wouldn't mind strangling her every time I hear that obnoxious voice, but that she's seemingly the rival driver of everyone else. During the Grand Prix, or any race including her among the competitors, Amy will fly out in front and earn herself a strong early lead unless quickly beaten down with weapons. This isn't to say that a player cannot pass her. As fast as she may be, Amy collides into nearly every moving obstacle the track throws into our path and wastes her weapons as soon as she picks them up, just like the other CPU drivers. It's not really a complaint I'm making. Just an observation. I'm curious to know if there really is some sort of favoritism going on over at Sumo Digital. One of the reasons I ask has to do with those glitched races I mentioned before. In every situation where that occurred, Amy was always able to pass through and take first place. I have no clue how she gets around the problem, but she's the only one that ever does.

Overall, I think the 3DS version of S&ASRT is a wonderful game in its own right, but I also believe it is noticeably inferior to its console counterparts. Possessing weaker graphics means boost arrows and smaller obstacles are more difficult to spot, and a lower frame rate creates moments of slowdown during the track transformations of a race. There's even a few other glitches that many will probably never see patches for in their handheld copy. One that I find particularly obnoxious can occur after using the all-star move. For the remainder of that race, the player will be unable to perform any more stunts, meaning no trick boosts. Another has to do with the game not recognizing all successfully-performed stunts. There were a few races where I played it safe and settled for a single trick during a high jump only to receive nothing for it. Still, none of these complaints are game-breaking. If you've got options as to which one to buy, I heavily support the decision to choose one of the console versions. After all, if you plan on playing Sonic & All-Stars Racing Transformed, you might as well play it to the fullest!

With Gilius Thunderhead!

...the sore loser of the bunch.

Take a Ride on the Ooze Cruise

Josh, one of the few generally cheerful co-workers at my store, handed me his copy of Resident Evil Revelations for the 3DS with the belief that I would enjoy the experience.

I don't know. Maybe?

I don't generally play Survival Horror titles, because the gameplay irritates me and the content has a tendency to feed bad ideas to my right brain. "Survival" is just a nice way of saying "clumsy stealth" with your character still trying to avoid getting into fights, but everything is set up so that it's impossible to not alert every enemy you come across. In the case of Resident Evil, it adds another irritation I prefer to steer clear from: backtracking. I hate having to find a single key at one end of an area just to unlock a room on the other end of the area, because no one ever makes a copy of an important key, but everyone makes certain to lock every door in every room of every floor of every building with unique mechanisms, meaning it would require a janitor to walk around with a 20-pound ring on his side to be able to do his job, and that'll never happen because it would mean making a copy of every fucking key!

Wait, are the chains and padlock nailed to the front of the door? Does that really do anything?

Throw some jump scares and spooky music into a plot that is simple in nature, but has been stretched out into a pointlessly complicated mess, and we have this shitty sub-genre. Resident Evil is the first game to fall under this category, but most include Sweet Home and Alone in the Dark, since they were some of the first to make an effort to add horror to the gaming industry. Sweet Home looks like Dragon Warrior, so I'm not sure why I would be afraid of one and not of the other, and the monsters in Alone in the Dark are so terrible looking that it's hard to feel any sort of fear at the sight of them. There's an awful lot of books to read in that game, too. Granted, the scariest part of The Exorcist was when Regan quietly sat in her bed and finished the last few chapters of Breakfast of Champions, but I can't rely upon the demonic power of Captain Howdy to maintain my literary focus while bogies sluggishly make their way towards the detective. On the bright side, the music is somewhat catchy. That doesn't sound right for a Horror title, but I don't care. Most soundtracks for Horror games lose their effect after about thirty minutes. Even the Silent Hill OSTs wear thin as one listens to 90+ tracks of dark, industrial music. The one truly magnificent piece is Esperándote, a tango that made the "bad" ending more rewarding than it should have been.

I find this particular cover to be more frightening than any song on the list.

As far as I'm concerned, the only time a song in a video game is truly scary is when it's that oddball track in an otherwise cheerful or energetic collection of tunes, like the battle theme for Earthbound's Giygas, River Twygz Bed in Super Paper Mario, or Pokemon Red and Blue's Lavender Town.

Fortunately for me, Revelations (Revelaitons?) leans heavily towards action. I can't see why this side-quest in Jill's career is labeled as a Survival Horror. Playable characters are well-trained, well-armed agents, accompanied by AI-controlled partners, and are pitted against these ridiculously weak ooze creatures. 

Males turned into members of the Z-Putty Patrol, while women changed into aquatic, banshee-looking things which seems like a rather convenient metamorphosis to occur on a flooded ship, especially considering that they all must have died near water or else I'd have seen a few floppin' on the floors.

Even the jump scares are few and far between. While the older games are more focused on actual survival, bullets are not nearly as scarce in this one. Heck, by comparison, they're all over the place, and if that's still not enough, several clips can also be obtained through scanning with the Genesis device.  Along with ammo, a player can also scan creatures to obtain a bonus herb whenever he reaches 100%. The closer he scans a living enemy, the higher the percentage value he'll earn, and it pays more to change up what is scanned. Targeting the same type of monster (and there's not a strong variety in this game) will lower the effect. Lastly, there's thirty hand prints that can be located throughout all the chapters to gain access to an herb, a pair of guns, and three achievements for the remastered versions. Still, despite Capcom's push to have the player use this device, I found it to be bothersome as it consistently brought the action to a halt. If it wasn't necessary in some areas, I probably wouldn't touch the Genesis at all, unless it had the ability to spawn a group of deformed Muppets that sang Land of Confusion.

The sight of these would've injected some real Horror into the game.

What justifies the need for the ammo surplus is the shitty dodging mechanic. Relying upon it is like flipping a coin. Most of the time I avoided an attack, it was out of sheer luck. The player is better off keeping his distance and simply unloading on his enemies, especially Rachel.

Once she turns, shoot your load on her as quickly as you can, and as much of it in her face as possible!

The controls in general are an atrocity. One joystick seems to operate the legs and the other, I guess, is in charge of the arms. What's wrong with Z-Targeting these pricks? Aren't I suppose to be a special ops agent in this game? It feels like I'm in control of a cadet, considering how easily my character misses. I think a plausible middle ground would be to include a button for auto-targeting an enemy's chest, while not holding that button would allow one to aim for a boss's weak spot or to rack up head shots against the trash. Speaking of trash, the last fight is pointless. Jill should have just shot Jack Norman in the head while he was rambling, instead of allowing him to mutate himself in front of them. I know the Tyrant is something of a tradition in the franchise, but they seem to have peaked with Nemesis. Norman's a fun boss battle, but he lacks the ability to intimidate. It doesn't help that he looks like Walter White.

Jesse, we need to cook more T-Virus!

Regardless of my whining, Revelations is a great-looking game and it's fun, if only because I shot the fuck out of everything that moved. I found it to be a pain in the ass to play on a handheld, because of the small screen of the 3DS, but I'm certain I would have enjoyed it considerably more if I had an HD version of it playing on my television screen, so I can't really fault it for that. Also, there are moments where all I did was defend myself against an onslaught of creatures and those battles had my heart racing with excitement. I'm no fan of Survival Horror, but I do love a good 3rd-Person Shooter game.

Quit staring at my ass.

Moons, give me a sequel!

If you're a fan of SEGA, you've probably heard the name Team Shinobi a time or two. Streets of Rage, Revenge of the Shinobi, Golden Axe, Altered Beast... but the most notable accomplish of Team Shinobi involves their creation of the Phantasy Star franchise. Trailblazers of the JRPG genre, the first Phantasy Star introduced the combination of a graphically-astounding, story-driven adventure with random battles, a traversable overworld map, dungeons, and towns... two days after Final Fantasy did it! Yeah, I know, but they did feature a female protagonist, which was not a common sight in the gaming industry of the 80s, and Alis was able to chit-chat with a few of the monsters she came across. All FF did was allow four men to beat the shit out of everything that foolishly stood to the left side of them. Wait, was the White Mage a female?

While later iterations feature a more feminine appearance, the build and jawline of the 1987 White Mage after his promotion to a Wizard means Garland was either beaten by the Sausagefest of Light or Chyna and her bukakke squad.

Despite being late to the RP partay, Phantasy Star is considered one of the forefathers to the gaming genre, mostly because the current generation of gamers couldn't care less about the CRPGs of the '70s.

What's not to love? Everyone was white back then.

Actually, many of them didn't care about the genre at all until 1997 when the greatest RPG of all time hit the shelves: Betrayal in Antara!

Graphically superior to anything ported to the Etch A Sketch, this lush forest guarded by a pair of land seahorses is just one of many breathtaking sights Sierra brought to the PC. 

There was also Final Fantasy 7 at that time, but, honestly, the game's only real contribution to the industry is in popularizing the most effective strategy used in Multiplayer PvP: Take the healer out first.

In a failed attempt to deceive Sephiroth, Aerith pretended to be a crab. On the plus side, the cooked roe afterwards was delicious.

Many from Team Shinobi moved on to become Overworks, a short-lived developer known for a crummy sequel to Shinobi, the grossly popular Strategy Dating Sim RPG series Sakura Wars, and, the focus of this entry, Skies of Arcadia.

Also known as Eternal Arcadia, this Dreamcast title about Air Pirates plays out like a 24-episode anime following the formulaic storyline of a typical Shonen series.

The game centers around a planet that is conveniently color-coded based upon six moons (none of whom are related to Mac Tonight) that represent different types of magic. At the height of technological development, mankind began to wage war upon itself, utilizing this moon magic to create super weapons known as the Gigas. At some point during this time, stones from these six moons came crashing into the planet, wiping out nearly all of humanity along with most of its technology. Thousands of years later, after new civilizations have formed,  the empress of the largest empire, Valua, believes that everyone should bow before her and the Valuan armada. Basically, history is going to repeat itself, which is why we meet Fina, a 17-year-old piloting a very small ship.

She left her crossbow at home.

Fina is on a mission to collect all of the Moon Crystals before anyone can use them to reawaken the Gigas. Not sure how she's going to do that alone. I guess she's planning to heal it out of their grasps. From here on out, SoA associates itself with nearly every trope commonly seen in an RPG. Normally, I'd get irritated and call this lazy development, but Overworks utilizes these trends effectively. It's kinda like the storyline of a CLAMP manga.

A ronin wishes for a girlfriend and a persocom. He finds both in a pile of garbage and names her Chi. As the story progresses, they learn more about each other and eventually fall in love. Chi then becomes GLaDOS. 

Even if the player knows what's going to happen, it's obvious that a lot of love went into creating this thing. 

For starters, many of the NPCs, not just the recruitable ones, have unique models. This includes the shopkeepers, wandering villagers, and even the town guards. Some enemies are recycled, but, even then, a few of these can be justified. Names are given as part of various themes, such as types of currency and of the constellations, though others are just boring translations from different languages. For example, Raja is a stingray you battle in the Vortex. Raja is the Latin word for stingray. Clever girl. Overworks also hired a few rather well-known voice actors to help bring some of these characters to life, including Charles Martinet (Mario and Luigi), Julissa Aguirre (NiGHTS), and Grey DeLisle (Amanda Valenciano Libre and Carmelita Fox).

While my appreciation of SoA suffers a little due to the inclusion of random encounters, there are still plenty of details worth noting about them:

~ Battles seem more realistic, because everyone is moving around and exchanging blows, rather than standing still in a straight line and take turns attacking one another.
~ There are three pieces of music that can play during battle that change depending upon which side has the upper hand.
~ Everyone gains spell experience chosen through the colors of the all weapons, allowing the player to teach everyone every spell in any order they desire. Select four different colors to level up four types of magic with each victory, or have them all carrying weapons of the same color and learn that particular type of magic four times faster.
~ Special moves are fun to watch, but there's still an option to skip over them.
~ Everyone has multiple victory poses, usually changing in response to the amount of health each one has remaining.
~ Status effects vanish after a battle, so a player doesn't have to stop and cure everyone of everything repeatedly.
~ Instakill abilities are still worthless against bosses, but the most powerful ones, Eternum and Drachma's Hand of Fate, will deal damage if either fails. On the other hand (not of fate), some enemies will also utilize the Eterni chain of spells, including two of the most obnoxious bosses in the game. Just be prepared to have Aika cast Delta Shield over and over again to protect yourself. 
~ Some battles occur with the ship, which is a nice change, but the turns are slow and most of the "action" is just seeing the craft fly around in circles. Still, if nothing else, the idea deserves an A- for effort. Better than an escort mission. ALWAYS better than an escort mission. 

For once, the blue one isn't the weakest of the bunch.

Loopers are the slimes of Arcadia. For those who enjoy maxing out their characters' levels, Loopers are the fastest way to reach that goal. Overworks, again, helps the player out by creating a nesting area full of them for farming. Once the player has reached the end, there's an optional boss battle against the Black Looper within the Dark Rift.

Finally, as an added courtesy, random battles don't occur while the player is trying to solve a puzzle. Most of you probably wouldn't care either way, but I certainly appreciate the gesture.

While you make your way across the map, a side-quest of sorts involves locating landmarks. This adds a bit of personality to the world itself, allows the player to score some much needed funding by selling the information to the Sailor's Guild, and encourages exploration. Usually, I would recommend a player's guide just to avoid wasting time with blindly searching for something (remember my entry about Robowarrior?), but I didn't do that the first time I played this game. Making the discovery by chance, or through figuring out the clues provided by NPCs, made it feel much more rewarding. It also allowed for a legitimate competition with Domingo. 

Vyse's decisions determine his Swashbuckler rating and the titles that come with it. While nothing you choose will alter the story, his rating will change the way certain NPCs address him and unlock a few bonus features as it increases, such as being able to recruit another crew member for the ship and unlocking a few more discoveries and optional bosses. Special ranks can be obtained through silly tasks, like excessively fishing or running away several times, while others are earned through completing beneficial side-quest objectives, like recruiting all 22 crew members.

 If one so chooses, picking the wrong answer every time will make Aika come out looking like the real captain. She won't be, of course, but it's certainly entertaining to watch as everyone comes together under the leadership of a complete idiot.

Crew members can provide stat boosts for the ship or abilities to use in battle. They also add to your home base by opening shops, fetching animals, redesigning buildings, creating art, and combining forces for the Blue Rogues super move. It's not as powerful as Prophecy, but it compensates with healing.

Crew members are represented with incredible artwork, but this doesn't always translate well into the graphics.

Pow's adorable either way.

Even if a person owns the original Dreamcast version, the re-release offers plenty of reasons to purchase another copy. In Skies of Arcadia Legends for the GCN, Overworks continued to build upon many aspects of the game by adding new discoveries and bounties, changing the Swashbuckling ratings, replacing the Pinta mini-game with a linked pair of side-quests, working all of the downloadable Dreamcast content into the port, and lowering the encounter rate of the random battles. Last, but not least, it looks better, too.

... or, at least, Evil Aika does.

Feel free to think of Skies of Arcadia as the Dreamcast/GCN variation of Chrono Trigger. It really is that well made. If there was ever a major shortcoming to address in the comparison, it would be the OST. The music isn't bad by any means, but how does one compete with Yasunori Mitsuda, a guy who worked himself into a hospital bed trying to make Trigger's music absolutely perfect, and Nobuo Uematsu, the one who picked up where Mitsuda left off and added ten more phenomenal tracks to the playlist?

All in all, I bored myself with a JRPG remake after somewhat enjoying a JRPG remake, and now I've followed those two up with yet another JRPG remake. Yes, for the moment, I think I've helped enough idealistic teenagers save the world from villains who thought they might be more successful if they tried the same thing on newer consoles. Perhaps I need to try something from a different genre.

That's not really much different from...

Well, maybe...

Seriously, Josh?!

Did I just play IV again?

Final Fantasy III starts off like every other JRPG from the franchise, with an innocent-minded teenage boy trying to make ends meet by becoming a gigolo. Failing to understand the "ins and outs" of his new occupation, however, the youth decides to go off on an adventure to save the world instead. To prove his worth, Luneth battles a giant turtle residing in Altar Cave. Not exactly the most convincing bit of evidence to present before the village elder, but that's why he follows it up with the claim that a floating rock told him to do it. The first person to join Luneth on his journey is his best friend, and foil, Arc. Arc is a timid bookworm who manages to build up enough courage to head over to the nearby village of Kazus to prove he's not a coward and that ghosts don't exist. Upon seeing the cursed residents, Arc pollutes his pants and hides. Luneth eventually catches up and helps Arc to clean himself at a nearby wellspring. They meet Cid, who offers them the key to his airship so long as they use it to find and defeat the bastard who cursed him and the village. The being responsible is said to be a djinn with a terrible sense of fashion.

Supposedly, the power of darkness has provided this guy with enough strength to qualify as a low-level boss. Not that they're needed, but the game provides our yaoi couple with two more companions, both of whom were fortuitously away at the time of the incident. A swift kick to the balls and a single Antarctic Wind later, the djinn (along with his peacock pants) is sealed inside a mithril ring which was later traded for a SNES copy of Final Fantasy III, because Princess Sara was convinced that it was a far more enjoyable sequel than the actual FFIII game. Meanwhile, the other four are teleported to Altar Cave to learn of their destiny.

"Warriors! Ivan Ooze has escaped! Recruit a team of movie producers with attitude!"

Back in the cave, the gang is provided with lucrative job opportunities, such as becoming a Warrior, given the prestigious title of "Warriors of Light" by a giant floating crystal, and are treated to Freedom Call's song Warriors. A bit of a theme going on here, eh? It's a shame the crystal didn't end it's conversation with, "Can you dig it?" From there, the rest of the game plays out like most Final Fantasy titles, meaning it's nothing more than 50+ hours of experience grinding and helping literally every town, kingdom, and/or inhabited cave your party comes across. This sort of 8-bit plot isn't a problem if it's interesting, or if the characters are charismatic. Final Fantasy III has neither of these selling points and minimal effort was made to change that in the remake. Unlike the original, the story here isn't quite as interesting as Garland's endless time loop of evil. Hell, it's not even half as entertaining as his spin-off sports game Garland's Pro-Bowling.

"You impertinent fools. I, Garland, will knock you all down!!"

With the first sequel, strong changes were made to include a cast of adventurers worth giving a shit about, even if the overall journey they took part in was trite. The developers even went in a different direction with the leveling system by relying upon increased proficiency in the weapons and spells each person used. With the GBA remake, even the deceased got to enjoy a bit of glory in the end thanks to the Soul of Rebirth side-story, which also helped further Minwu's career in attaining the role of Shadi in the Yu-Gi-Oh series.

"I also design outfits for Namekians and construct towns for people who always end up throwing me in jail."

For whatever reason, Square didn't seem to care for the deviations and gamers got more of what they saw in 1987, except the execution wasn't quite as impressive.

For starters, FFIII suffers from all of the usual problems found in most RPGs. It revolves around a lackluster 8-bit plot with Nintendo Hard mechanics, lazy backstories, ineffective offensive status spells, and, of course, excessive random battles. The remake came with an unlimited amount of store space which would have been more appreciated by a gamer if the item limit wasn't still kept at 99 (this also makes the Fat Chocobo worthless). Direction is somewhat vague throughout the journey - The residents of Vikings' Cove want you to deal with the rampaging Nepto Dragon in exchange for their ship. Oh, did the game forget to mention that you were suppose to ignore the ship, go up to the temple, and fight a giant rat, instead? Oops! The job system is implemented horribly. Leveling each one is a chore, but obtainable gear is generally job-specific. This means the best gear at a particular moment is likely going to belong to whatever you decided against using, so your options are to change jobs or continue to rely upon low-level armor and weapons. On top of this, some bosses are obnoxiously powerful partially because the attack order seems to be unpredictable (I was casting party-wide heal magic every turn just to play it safe) and partially because you either need to switch jobs to take advantage of their weaknesses or grind until you can overpower them with whatever you feel like using. Garuda is a prime example of this. Prior to his battle, only Dragoon armor and weapons can be found within the walls of Saronia, and NPCs talk of how wind/sky attacks would be the most effective means of defeating him. Knowing when to take a blatant hint, I stood under Garuda and repeatedly shouted, "Shazam" until he fell to the ground. Then, the other three repeatedly kicked his charred body while Prince Alus begged them to stop. Lastly, some of the abilities associated with jobs make little sense. 

Why must I be a Ninja to know how to do this?!

It's not all bad for FF3 though. If nothing else, I must praise the DS remake for its graphics. Just look at how adorable your party members are!

Another flawless MS Paint job!

There is also an exquisite opening cinematic for the game using CG graphics which would have been a perfect first impression if not for those creepy faces:

Luneth can see into your soul!

For all the effort put into making this remake look amazing, it's a shame that Square Enix and Matrix Software did almost nothing to utilize the dual screens of the handheld. They also half-assed the summon animations with no excuse to justify it. Let me put it this way, Golden Sun: The Lost Age offered better summons in 2003 on the GBA. If Camelot was in charge of revitalizing this game, I'm sure they would have provided a much stronger showing of the DS's graphical capabilities.

Sigh, every popularity contest I've seen between the Final Fantasy games has always included FFIII near the bottom of the list, and I can't say I'm surprised. There's no real draw to this. Every major aspect of it is sorely lacking. It's a perfect little time waster for completionists, and fans of the franchise will play any steaming pile of shit branded with the Final Fantasy label, but that's about it.

RAPE TIME!

A Dull Read 'em Up

I love a good beat'em up. The genre is believed by most to have started with Kung-Fu Master, an arcade game from Irem that made its way to the states through the NES thanks to the now-defunct company Data East. I really want to say this was also the first beat'em up I ever played, but the possibility behind that is rather slim. I do know that I began playing video games in 1988 or '89, but I can't pinpoint it any more than that. The first game I actually remember, meaning I disregard the Atari stuff my parents occasionally put me in front of back when I was too young to attend kindergarten, was the 3-in-1 cartridge from the Power Set bundle of the NES. Did my parents buy it for me soon after it hit the shelves, or did they wait a bit? That's what makes it hard to pinpoint. Since then, I clearly remember playing Double Dribble, Rad Racer, Simon's Quest, Bayou Billy, Zelda, Mike Tyson's Punch-Out, Super Mario Bros. 2, and, as a rental, Mega Man, which I can recall picking up for the first time at the local video store and telling Ian that it involved beating the game as one of six robots. This misconception was based upon the only screenshot shown on the back of the box. I was still too young to be able to read what it actually said around that picture.

Please, keep talking about your INTERESTING past!

Fine. Moving on, the first brawler I experienced was more likely to have been Double Dragon II: The Revenge. You might be asking yourself, "The revenge of what?" The revenge of the nerds? The Sith? The Fallen?

Possibly all three?

Disregarding the heroic-looking box art, the story of this sequel has to do with Marian being shot to death by the leader of the Black Warriors while Billy and Jimmy Lee hide behind a warehouse door. Rather than coming out to save her, the Lee brothers decide to seek retribution after her body is turned into Swiss cheese. It sounds a bit depressing at first, but since this is the NES version I'm talking about, the game ends on a much happier note: Once the shadow warrior is defeated, Marian is brought back to life with the help of Stan Bush's "The Touch" and everyone dances while the credits roll across the screen.

There are two major reasons for why a brawler is so appealing, and the first has to do with the type of hero it centers around. These games don't include something like Gauntlet, Zombies Ate My Neighbors, or Smash TV. Machines, magic, and projectiles are generally ignored (or at least a secondary means of force) by the raging protagonist as he (or she) goes plowing through countless enemies (and maybe a few allies) with little regard to personal well-being. Sometimes, you don't really want an intricate, detailed plot. Sometimes, you just want to sit down and play a game where your character handles things in a simple, ol' fashioned sort of way. They differ from fighting games, since the premise for one of those is usually more professional and lacks the chaos of a donnybrook. The person you are facing is just as ready as you are in a place that's suitable for battle. I don't want to waste time with putting on appropriate attire, drive to some place that endorses a blood sport, and look for a worthy challenger. I'm mad now! I just want to go out into the world and greet each smile with my fist, foot, or some blunt object lying around begging to be swung into the hearts and minds (and crotches) of every sad, sorry soul unfortunate enough to be out and about. For me, and probably many others, every opponent in one of these games represents a small piece of stress and my character is just the massage therapist I need to help knead away that frustration.

"I can see why you're so tense. We've got so many knots to work out!"

The second reason revolves around the flimsy excuses provided to justify going apeshit in one of these games. The most common plot has to do with somebody kidnapping your lover, relative, or someone of political importance, and, for no specific reason, the law enforcement is too weak, too corrupt, or too incompetent to handle it. Then, there's other storylines such as getting revenge for killing your own wife and child while serving under Kevin Smith, retrieving a floppy disk while martial arts are at their most playable, thinning out China's population with the help of a Wu general who is sick of riding three-to-a-seat on his commuter bus, or beating up every ex-lover of the girl you want to date.

While there are popular games for the genre nowadays (mostly of the hack and slash variety), the genre itself is far from what it was in the late '80s. Oh, I remember those days at an actual arcade that included Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, both the first and the second (Turtles in Time) cabinets, The Simpsons Arcade Game, and the six-player coin-op X-Men, which greeted players with a warm and friendly "Welcome to die!" I also remember how little attention each one got once an establishment added Street Fighter II to its library. People crowded that thing to play and watch as most initially went with Blanka and Dhalsim, because they were the FREAKS! of the game. Once the people started playing seriously, however, they found that neither could be effectively abused like Ken and Ryu's endless Hadouken barrage.

Real players used Zangief!

Still, all of these games found more play time in the early '90s than the Super Mario Bros. machine that was always found in the far corner of a game room. I could understand Tetris or Pac-Man, but SMB was packaged with the Nintendo Entertainment System. Just about everyone who loved video games back then had a copy of it lying around at home. Not just that, but the coin-op version was creepy as all get-out! Once, I saw a person knock one down after getting pushed into it during some silly dispute with another player. When the machine hit the floor, a yellow, somewhat viscous ooze spread out around the debris and a naked clone of Miyamoto was lying there in the middle of it, curled up in a fetal position with numerous wires and cables plugged into his body. All I could think of at that moment was, "Why isn't this guy wearing any pants?" 

Most of the older beat'em ups have been ported at one point or another. I believe X-Men the arcade game, for example, was re-released to XBLA and PSN, and a bit later to the iTunes App Store, so I'm assuming it's safe to say that many people still retain fond memories of the genre, but if a younger gamer wanted to enjoy something closer to his age, I guess he could try Scott Pilgrim vs. The World, Dynasty Warriors (not the first one), or God of War. There are also plenty of free-to-play brawlers online made by talented, though not necessarily well-known, designers, but I don't explore too much into them, since I find more than enough to enjoy on Newgrounds, Adult Swim, and within my own collection.

Any recommendations regardless of age? Bad Dudes, Altered Beast, River City Ransom, Sonic Blast Man II, Double Dragon II, The Simpsons, Turtles in Time, Viewtiful Joe, and The Warriors, and anything with Mike Haggar (brawler or not).

I think that's it. I'm not certain why I bothered to type all of this. It reads like a half-assed Wikipedia entry. *Shrugs* Maybe I'll enjoy viewing it again some time in the future. For the rest of you, I apologize for wasting your time. Please, don't punch me in the face. I have a very small (practically non-existent) life bar.

Failed to Catch 'em All

Fer mai birffday, Paul bought me a round-trip ticket to Johto. Because my Gold version has this problem with completely erasing my game at random moments, I used to play it in short ventures in order to capture whatever was exclusive to it and quickly trade it to my Silver version. Now, this was nearly thirteen years ago. Back then, Who Let the Dogs Out? was still heard regularly on the radio and Digimon: the Movie was still playing in theaters everywhere. On the plus side, it was that same year when we found out about How Tupac Was Murdered. When I told Paul about my Gold version, he took it as a hint to buy me its remake, Pokemon Heartgold. I'm not quite clear on the logic behind his decision. I mean, I did mention I also owned the fully-functioning Silver version of the same game, and this was something from over a decade ago, so... I don't know. Thinking about it now is pointless. I just spent over six months playing this game, instead of reading the next book in the Game of Throne series or finishing Willow on the NES. You done good, Paul.

Moving along, Heartgold is a magnificent recreation of the adventure which led Ethan to become the next greatest Pokemon trainer. This time, however, he has been redesigned to resemble a male protagonist in a Final Fantasy sequel.

Even his outfit now looks like something he borrowed from Lyra's closet.

Whomever you choose, the other becomes a supporting rival of sorts. They cuss at you, flip you the bird, gargle your balls, and then tell you those balls taste like shit because of the lame Pokemon you keep inside of them. Yes, I always felt an ever growing desire to become a better trainer thanks to that person, but then there's Silver. He's the battling rival who dethrones Gary Oak as Douchebag of the Universe with every condescending remark he made about the NPCs he beat and every excuse he tried to feed me when he lost the match. As the player progresses, he learns that Silver is the son of Giovanni, the former leader of the Team Rocket faction in Italy, and is bitter towards both the organization and his father's doting over his younger brother Ezio. While Ezio learned to be an assassin, Silver chose to become a druid and specialized in the Summoning skills. Both were obviously tired of using the initial five classes from the game.

The journey begins in New Bark Town:

With a population of ten people, this place is more like a glorified cul-de-sac.

You go downstairs to be greeted by mom, red-eyed and twitchy, who stops fidgeting long enough in order to hand you your repaired Pokegear and offers to bank a small amount of your winnings. It's best to politely decline her offer. As you will quickly notice, the woman is constantly messing with her nose, scratching her neck, and shaking like a wet puppy... smelling like one, too. She sleeps on the kitchen floor every night and has no problem with her tween going off alone to encounter dangerous wildlife. Rehab doesn't seem to help, either. Then again, all the nurse ever does is have mom sit on a blinking table for five seconds and tells you she's ready to battle. 

As with nearly every Pokemon RPG, you meet with a professor, though not necessarily in his lab, who just so happens to live nearby and just so happens to possess three level-five critters who just so happen to always be fire-, water-, and grass-type Pokemon. Each one is world-renowned in the studies of Pokemon, but, as the many have pointed out, none of them have a clue as to whether you're a girl or boy. On the other hand, I mentioned earlier why this could be justified for HG and SS:

The whole thing plays out in a similar fashion to the originals, but now there's the Battle Frontier, a new Safari Zone set up in Johto, a Pal Park in place of Kanto's Safari Zone, the Pokeathlon Dome, and the game itself comes with the Pokewalker, a pedometer similar to the Pokemon Pikachu, which allows one to capture a handful of Pokemon that are otherwise unobtainable in HG and SS without trading. My gift is a used game, so I have no Pokewalker. I also don't possess any of the newer sequels to trade with Heartgold, so I'm stuck with capturing whatever is available within my game. A while back, I tried to search for information on how many I could catch without outside assistance. The best answer I could find at the time was around 320. I can confidently say that this is false, since I have 363 in my Pokedex and am aware of eight more I could get. In other words, I believe a person would max out with Heartgold at 371, unless they obtained a few through special events or simply hacked the game to get everything. Accomplishing this is frustrating and I don't see a plausible reason  to justify doing it.

The Pokeathlon Dome is an terrific way to obtain necessary evolution items. Points accumulate through quick and simple mini-games that allow a player to purchase what he needs. The alternative (less practical) methods involve the rare generosity of NPC trainers, capturing wild Pokemon, and winning them in the Bug-Catching Contest, which, I might add, LOVES to hand out more of what you already have, rather than what you want. At one point, I was so frustrated with winning yet another fire stone after the bug contest that I took my surplus and began pelting whomever I could. After a while, I got bored with that and began forcing a few Pokemon to evolve against their owner's wishes. All I had to do was have my Onix "accidentally" nail the opponent in the head with a stray piece from his Rock Throw attack. After a while, the trainer would regain consciousness and realize that he was now the proud owner of an Arcanine that only knew Ember, Leer, and Bite. You're welcome!

The Battle Frontier is far less enjoyable. Two of the Pokemon I still need each require 48 battle points (BP) to purchase their required evolution-inducing held items. Ten battles into it, I got a single point. Ten more battles, and I got another point. This will rise at an extremely slow rate with consecutive wins. That's ridiculous! Not only do I need to win several matches, but I must also be patient in order to allow the opponent to say something first, or for certain quirks to occur (such as the roulette of the Battle Arcade), and/or to give my Pokemon a moment to be healed. Nothing seen is recorded in the Pokedex, and the only real joy to be had is in reaching and defeating the brains that represent each facility. The Battle Frontier is an agonizing grind for high-end rewards that feels like punishment for people, such as myself, who didn't spend their money on the other sequels that offered the same items in a much easier fashion.

Sorry, you're not worth it, Gliscor.

Kanto's Safari Zone was a pain in the ass back in 1998. Exeggcute wasn't too much trouble, but then there was Pinsir and Scyther (depending upon your version), Tauros, whose encounter rate fell drastically thanks to Ash Ketchum, and, worst of all, Kangaskhan, who not only scoffs at the pile of Safari Balls you continue to throw at it, but also enjoys smashing your remaining pair of balls with a well-placed Mega Kick, leaving you to suffer in a fetal position until the warden arrives to drag you out of his preserve. I've never experienced the "joys" of Hoenn's and Sinnoh's Safari Zones, but I've certainly had my fill of Johto's little addition to its region. I'll admit that Warden Baoba has put quite a bit of work into this establishment. There are ten interchangeable areas to choose from, and each one will improve its selection over time. These changes are most apparent with the littering of various objects. Thirty "blocks" are permitted for each area, and most of them have an attribute, like being favored by water-dwelling Pokemon. Their effectiveness multiplies every ten days. Unfortunately, there's no reliable in-game means of determining how many days have gone by for an area, even if Baoba will call once in a while to notify you of changes. I only start up the game now and then to check if the Pokemon I need have begun to appear, so when I do get the call, I don't really know how long my Rocky Beach has been sitting there. I'm sure it's going to be a bit longer before I find myself face to face with the critter I still need for my Pokedex.

Yeah, one of these.

Most have a waiting period of a month or less, but the rare ones take up to 110 days. Messing with the clock doesn't help, either. Add to this the frustration of luck-based captures that have always been a part of the Safari Zone, and we have ourselves another push by Game Freak towards buying the other Pokemon games: "All you need to do is just give up and purchase Diamond, Pearl, or Platinum. You want a Gible don'tcha? Well, not only can you get one much faster in the other Generation IV titles, but we'll even throw in additional Gible stuff as a bonus!"

"...like a copy of Ghosts 'n Gibles"

"... a bag of Gibles 'n Bits (now with 30% more dog flavor)"

"... and a DVD copy of the movie What's Gible Grape Eating?"

It's the little changes to these games that really make HG and SS special, such as the nationwide talk & text plan added to my trainer's Pokegear. This includes the phone numbers of all of the gym leaders and literally every other trainer I come across willing to share their digits, as well as unlimited talk, text, and Data!

"I did it! I caught a Spot!"

In fact, just about every minor aspect of Heartgold and Soulsilver has been improved upon. It neither looks nor feels like a simple remake of Generation II. Not only can a person obtain the legendaries of Generation I, but each version also offers one of the eon duo and two of weather trio (provided a person can obtain both Kyogre and Groudon to summon Rayquaza). To make things even better, if you unintentionally knock one of these legendary (or special) Pokemon out, it can actually respawn after a victory against the Elite Four. And if that wasn't enough, beating Red allows you to choose one of the Kanto starters from Professor Oak, and then one of the Hoenn starters from Steven Stone, who will also trade you a Beldum (which evolves into one of the most powerful non-legendary Pokemon in the series) so that you don't have to waste your time trying to catch one in the shitastic Safari Zone. This more than compensates for the Battle Frontier.

Usually, I don't feel a need to buy something "remastered" if I already have the original, but, for the most part, Heartgold feels like a brand new game. Also, for some odd reason, Soulsilver actually received a slightly higher rating. 

Probably because it had more banthas added to it.

Unfortunately, I must end this on a sad note. Budget cutbacks forced Game Freak to replace Dude with Ethan and Lyra as the ones to train the player on how to capture Pokemon. Here are his final words:

"My life no longer serves a purpose. By the time you read this, I will have left this world. Please, do not cry for me. After all, I was only another faceless person in the crowd to begin with." ~ Dude
1999 - 2009