Unimportant information aside, to further prove how great Japan is at naming stuff, Final Fantasy's own Lightning returns in Lightning Returns: The Returning of Lightning. No one is quite sure what it's about, and to ensure nobody will waste time asking, the game's director Moboobfoyu Toriyomomma said that he was going to distract the gamers with more mamm for their money and include an unrealistic bounce feature that will allow Lightning to strike twice whenever she swings her arm, but at the risk of smacking herself in the face if the second blow misses. There will also be downloadable bullshit like outfits from other Final Fantasy games. One in particular is causing an uproar, because it claims to be Aerith's flower girl outfit. This is obviously false because I couldn't find a blood-stained stab-hole anywhere on the thing. Other outfits include Yuna's summoning robe and staff from FFX, Cloud's compensatingly huge sword and attire from FF7, and many other choices that fall into the three categories of Terrible to Wear in Battle, Terrible to Wear Regardless, and Skank. There is also talk of allowing her to cosplay as Tidus, but Square Enix is afraid that she'll look more masculine in it than he did.
Update:
The fake Aerith's outfit was supposed to be a reward for those who pissed away hard-earned yen on the V Jump Lightning Master Strategy Guide for Dummies, but Square placed the horse armor up on their online store for three days before realizing that they had made an oopsie-doodle. Square Enix went out to make an apologetic "Fuck you!" to both V Jump and the players, assuring them that they will do everything in their power to prevent this from happening again by tackling it with full force, or whatever the Hell their message was trying to say. Bewildered, the rest of the gaming community responded in a similar manner to myself with, "What does any of this have to do with our plea to quit making shitty app versions of Final Fantasy titles?"
Update-2:
Inspired by Lightning's growth, Smash Bros. director Masahiro Sakurai has decided to increase the size of Mario's junk in the upcoming sequel for the Wii U, 3DS, and Philips CD-i. Equipping a small shield and changing items are "recommended actions" by the director. He also decided to remove half the characters and gradually add them back to the game as DLC at $10 each. Other options for wasting money include swapping Luigi's mustache design for Mario's, a much louder and more obnoxious taunt by Jigglypuff, and wet farts from Wario.
