Ahoy, bitches!

Happy Talk Like A Pirate Day, everyone! This is the holiday’s 10^th anniversary, and people all over the globe are celebrating. Why are they celebrating? Sigh, really? Fine, I guess I could spend a few minutes educating you, before I go back to my fun.

For those of you unaware of its origins, TLAP Day, as with Halloween and Festivus, was originally a pegan holiday that Adele intertwined with the release of her debut album 19 in order to help sales. It is because of this, and due to the fact that the recording of the album began in the September of 2006, that the holiday itself is celebrated on September 19. A few of you might be wondering why the focus shifted from Adele’s music career to pirates. The answer is rather obvious. Everything is better with pirates, no matter how terrible it is.

Hmmm. It’s better, but not by much. I might have to add Guile’s theme to this.

When Adele was interviewed in 2011 about the release of her next album 21, she was presented with the opportunity to give her thoughts on the evolution of September 19 into what it is today. Disregarding the comment, Adele held up a copy of 21 and shouted, “I promise it won’t suck like one of Rihanna’s albums!” Two days later, during a radio interview, Rihanna told the public, “Adele’s just jealous that she has never found love in a hopeless place! Actually, that sounds kinda catchy.” Months later, Rihanna was found comatose in a back alley, covered with dirt and urine. A nearby homeless man told a reporter that she was drunk when she showed up and creeped everyone out by demanding one of them to be her lover. He said that she then lost her footing and fell into the trash can fire that they were all huddled around. While she rolled back and forth on the road, the rest of them did what they could to put out her clothes. The incident left the singer traumatized as she eventually woke up in a hospital bed repeating the phrase, “We found love in a hopeless place.” Not to be deterred from making a quick buck, Calvin Harris added some background music to her rambling and released the album Talk That Talk, which features a headshot of the now-mindless artist on its cover.

And you thought I was making this shit up!

Today, we raise our Jolly Roger in honor of those who fought for what they believed in (having fun through stealing). During an era when people didn’t have the time to learn how to read and write, it just wasn’t practical to rob people using misleading contracts padded with several lines of fine print. You might be thinking of more conventional pirates, armed with shoulder cannons or powered with devil fruits. Such things didn’t exist back in the 14^th century BC when piracy began. Originally, pirates had to spend several minutes chanting spells like Aeroga and Blizzara, which left them quite vulnerable to a counterattack from their enemies, unless the captain knew how to properly support his men with Haste and Curaga. Their attire included bandanas for the scrubs while captains wore an assortment of luxurious hats which were usually obtained through the item drop system, crafting system, supply crates, or bought from the Mann Co. Store. Another common piece of headgear included the eye patch that typically indicated a pirate was concealing some sort of unique power that would consume the individual if they didn’t restrain it. One major exception to this was the infamous Captain Kenpachi who actually wore an eye patch to weaken himself, rather than to survive. Other forms of clothing included frock coats, puffy shirts, and an assortment of accessories, such as the shard of purity, which protected the wearer from status ailments, or the stealth ring, which provided a captain with an effective means of escape if the fight was not in his favor.

At the time, pirates were not the only people to fear while out on the waters. For a while, merfolk were a common sight, and a bit of a nuisance. Fortunately, most of them could only tap target creatures or cause you to discard your hand. Vikings, however, were every bit as vicious and dangerous as the pirates. Many referred to them as “coastal pirates” as they generally stayed within a few miles of land, while a few actually sailed on rivers and attacked nearby trading posts. In fact, some historians like to lump pirates together with Vikings, as they lived similar lifestyles, but Vikings relied heavily upon auto-attack options, rather than magic, and, not only that, the two groups represented completely different sports.  As much as I would love to see a receiver taken down with a ball bat, it’s just not going to happen.

I think that's enough for one day. I gotta get back to harassing General Chat in Booty Bay. Those pirate jokes won’t tell themselves, you know. Now that you know a thing or two about today and the people it represents you oughta join in the festivities. Obviously, you don’t have to do what I do. There are other ways to have fun, like dressing up, singing shanties with your fellow buccaneers, and drinking grog until your liver looks like the aftermath of a drive-by Medusaing. Of course, I wouldn’t mind a pirate joke or two in the comments section. I did, after all, take the time to enlighten you on the matter.

YARRR! I be a dork pirate!