And now I favor Gilius.

I recently bought a video game that wasn't made decades ago. No, it wasn't part of a Humble Bundle, either, so shut the fuck up, Paul! After wrapping up my blog about sky pirates, I decided to purchase Sonic & All-Stars Racing Transformed, because it has Vyse in it, along with Rhaknam, who makes a cameo appearance under the islands of the Rogue's Landing track. Seriously, that's why I bought it. It certainly wasn't because Wreck-It Ralph is a playable character. Who's bright idea was that shit? Oh, I can't wait to choose a racer with "wreck" in his name! Typing of wrecks, Danica Patrick is also a playable character. What she has to do with actual racing is beyond me, but it's interesting to note that she is the only character whose vehicle will automatically smash itself during the first lap. The occurrence is random, and there's nothing the player can do to prevent it. Once, after I selected her, the Danicar exploded the moment the race began and all I could do was watch her walk out from the flaming rubble and sign autographs for Billy Hatcher and his friends.

In Sonic & Sega All-Star Racing, the Racing Rooster requires a microtransaction of twenty-five cents from the player before a race can begin. Even then, all it does is slowly move back and forth to carnival music.

Billy isn't a playable racer in the sequel, because Sega refuses to pay any more royalties to Wonder Bread for his vehicle's appearance. Fortunately, he can still be seen in the game as a sticker. As a sticker! The kid has an entire race track themed after his game, and he, apparently, wasn't popular enough to be part of its background. Yeah, thumbs up to you too, Billy ...you fucking dork.

Sonic & All-Stars Racing With An Unnecessarily Long Title For A Simple Kart Racing Game Transformed, or "S&ASRWAULTFASKRGT" for short, should not be viewed as the poor man's Mario Kart, because that title went to Konami Krazy Karts Racers over a decade ago when it recreated the series in a seemingly blatant manner, with special exception to the weapons and characters whose fame doesn't hold a red candle to the amount of recognition for Nintendo's mascots.

You wanted Goemon? You got Goemon! You wanted Snake? You got, um, Gray Fox. You wanted Simon Belmont? You got whatever the Hell that thing in the back is suppose to be.

Sega's racing sequel does quite a bit more than play the role of a Mario Kart doppelganger. It offers up a cast that digs into Sega's rich library, much like Nintendo does with the Smash Bros series, and follows that up with the obvious request of including people outside of Sega's virtual world, like Yogscast's Simon Lane and three of the members of the Team Fortress 2 family: Spy, Pyro, and Heavy. The selection depends upon the version a person buys. As of this moment, more DLC is being created, including more faces behind the wheel. For an idea that Nintendo utilized in the Fighting genre, it's a shame they haven't done much of the same thing with their Racing series outside of Japanese arcades. It would be better than trying to fill out their roster with a bunch of baby versions of main characters who would be constantly pooping their Pampers, tossing them out like brown banana peels, and smearing the fecal matter all over the place until it looked like a stage from Super Mario Sunshine.

Here's a smart move on my part. A callback to a blog entry no one read.

The race tracks exhibit a great deal of personality, more so than many of the locations found in the Mario Kart series, and not only do they represent the games where many of the drivers originate from, but also of some of Sega's other gems, like The House of the Dead, Panzer Dragoon, and Burning Rangers. Most reward exploration and experimentation with all sorts of forking routes, shortcuts, and ramps for stunt boosts that can be sought out by any one driver thanks to unlockable vehicle modifications. This is a sort of courtesy to those of us who prefer to select the same mascot(s), even when their standard attributes are not necessarily the best choice for a particular course. In addition to the usual Grand Prix, Time Attack, and Single Race modes, there's also the World Tour, a series of mission-based races that rewards the player with stars needed to unlock vehicle mods, drivers, tracks, and Expert Mode. There are achievements or stickers that can be earned for a variety of reasons, though this sort of feature has become a standard for video games nowadays. Still, it's amazing how much is packed into each course. Rather than winning, take the time to slow down and admire the view. Plenty of cameos to look for, including Ecco the Dolphin, Big the Cat, and the giant, godlike presence of an all-seeing Amiga. Not to be outdone by aesthetics, Sonic & All-Stars also delivers a soundtrack that's almost as glorious as that of Sonic '06 (which was awful in every other imaginable way), offering numerous remixed versions of popular music from various Sega games, as well as a personal all-star theme song for each character when activated. All in all, I should be proclaiming this as, like, the bestest racing game on karts ever!

"Does it not totes yagotes?"

Almost, but no, Upset Earl, it does not. While Sumo Digital clearly put a great deal of love and hard work into this offering, there are a few things I've experienced that left me feeling cheated. I once found myself stopped because of a closed door on the Burning Rangers stage that did not open as we approached it. A few days later, while racing Ocean View, I fell through the track near the end of the third lap and, like with Burning Depths, was stuck with six other drivers, all of whom were sliding back and forth against the wall in a similar fashion to those idiots in Arathi Basin who believe they're going to reach the Farm's flag before I do by mount-humping the starting gate. Hey, if you ain't sportin' a movement buff that I lack, you might as well continue on towards Blacksmith!

I lost all my screenshots of Juppiter flexing arrogantly, so here's a picture of Chance and Cooper as puppies cowering under the table arrogantly.

Vehicle transformation is generally seamless, except in a few areas, like in the Dream Valley where converting back into the aircraft seems to result in a troublesome hard right turn into an invisible wall, regardless of what direction I aim the joystick. Each type handles differently, as would be expected of a car, boat, and plane, with the boat being the most difficult to control. Periodically, I will hit a wave and watch my racer get turned around long enough to fall to last place. Sailing's a tricky bitch to master, I suppose. Since tracks will be altered with each passing lap, everyone will need to switch to a different vehicle mode to adapt. This is the excuse one can use to combat the whining of the fanbase when it comes to Sonic in a Racing title. Without it, many would waste their time polluting internet forums with gibberish like, "Why would Sonic need to drive a car," instead of the usual, "Hey everyone! Rate my new original creation. He looks just like Sonic, but he has neon yellow fur and his eyes are different colors!" Sigh, while I can't quite figure out the reasoning for producing these look-a-like fan characters, they're still better than abusing the old South Park templates that were around back when I played Starcraft with people quoting Zero Wing, proclaiming themselves to be "Gosu," and adding SSJ- to their account names.

I'm somewhat out of the loop of what's popular to exploit nowadays. Is it still fake CCG cards? Fsjal?

Ponified bullshit?

I guess it doesn't matter. The point I was trying to make is that since many race tracks require the hedgehog to take to the sky or sail across the water, people now have a valid reason to shut up about Sonic being in a vehicle: because he can not swim, he can not fly, and, just throwing this in for good measure, he can not appear in a 3D Platformer that doesn't bring shame to the Sonic Team developers.

Meanwhile, perfectly concealed, Knuckles indulges in his voyeurism unabashed.

Another odd thing I'd like to point out is Amy Rose. Not Amy Rose herself, though I wouldn't mind strangling her every time I hear that obnoxious voice, but that she's seemingly the rival driver of everyone else. During the Grand Prix, or any race including her among the competitors, Amy will fly out in front and earn herself a strong early lead unless quickly beaten down with weapons. This isn't to say that a player cannot pass her. As fast as she may be, Amy collides into nearly every moving obstacle the track throws into our path and wastes her weapons as soon as she picks them up, just like the other CPU drivers. It's not really a complaint I'm making. Just an observation. I'm curious to know if there really is some sort of favoritism going on over at Sumo Digital. One of the reasons I ask has to do with those glitched races I mentioned before. In every situation where that occurred, Amy was always able to pass through and take first place. I have no clue how she gets around the problem, but she's the only one that ever does.

Overall, I think the 3DS version of S&ASRT is a wonderful game in its own right, but I also believe it is noticeably inferior to its console counterparts. Possessing weaker graphics means boost arrows and smaller obstacles are more difficult to spot, and a lower frame rate creates moments of slowdown during the track transformations of a race. There's even a few other glitches that many will probably never see patches for in their handheld copy. One that I find particularly obnoxious can occur after using the all-star move. For the remainder of that race, the player will be unable to perform any more stunts, meaning no trick boosts. Another has to do with the game not recognizing all successfully-performed stunts. There were a few races where I played it safe and settled for a single trick during a high jump only to receive nothing for it. Still, none of these complaints are game-breaking. If you've got options as to which one to buy, I heavily support the decision to choose one of the console versions. After all, if you plan on playing Sonic & All-Stars Racing Transformed, you might as well play it to the fullest!

With Gilius Thunderhead!

...the sore loser of the bunch.