Four in February: House Hunting

Two awful posts in one day? What sorcery is this?!

Perhaps you've heard about Gone Home. It's a story game, so you barely do anything, except awkwardly move around, because your legs fell asleep during the trip, and now it's up to the player to help this bitch wobble her ass to the nearest bedroom to lie down. Unfortunately, someone has meticulously locked doors in such a way that you must uncover secret passages, snoop through everyone else's "persnal bitness", summon an evil spirit who once owned a candy shop, and listen to music largely forgotten with the turn of the century, in order to reach the best mattress in the house. Why the best? Because you're an entitled piece of shit, just like everyone else.

The painted family portrait. A staple in every privileged household.
(I think my family just used enlarged Polaroid pictures)

This game asks the hard questions, like "Who shot JFK?" Then answers with, "Nobody! Dun dun DUUUUUUUUUN! Conspiracy!" Seriously though, I'm not sure. Kaitlin doesn't know how to open a book and, instead, merely spins it around in midair to read the front and back covers. This is an interesting and historically accurate detail for 1995. It became such a problem that an educational film was produced the very next year to address the issue.

We are forever in your debt, Jon Lovitz.

After three hours of breaking into my sister's locker, staring at mom's underwear, getting stuck in partially opened doors, and watching a rerun of Hangin' with Mr. Cooper, I passed the time by taping over Sam's music collection with recordings of my own farts and the giggling I made while doing so. That's a thing girls do, right? Maybe not anymore, but back then! Oh man! That was... that was... that was the trend. The thing to do. Yep. Ahem. Then, I went to sleep. In the morning, my parents came home and demanded to know why all the lights were on in the house. I told them the trip was fine, sarcastically thanked them for asking, and mentioned how Sam ran away with another girl. There are two endings at this point. This is dependant upon whether you choose to have Kaitlin go back to sleep or get up and make herself something for breakfast. Either way, the player gets to listen in on the parents' phone call to the police about Sam's disappearance during the credits. Since this all occurred in Oregon, all the police had to do was stand outside the ONLY building in the state that sells gas until she pulled up to refuel her Tin Lizzie, or whatever people drove back then. After three weeks of electroshock therapy, Sam was attracted to boys again (and iron). She also learned Thunder Wave and began flying with the help of a levitating manhole cover. 

I highly recommend High School High, Hangin' with Mr. Cooper, and breakfast. If I could remember what I was typing about for this post, I might recommend that, too... especially if I was typing about pugs. I love pugs.