I Finally Fantasied 5 & 6.

I've had to restart this thing five times now, so I apologize if I seem a teensy bit agitated throughout the post.

Last December, I bought Final Fantasy 6 and placed Final Fantasy 5 on my wishlist, because if I played one more shitty-ass Final Fuck-up of Linearized Melodrama, I sure as Hell wasn't going to pay another $15 to do it again. Much to my surprise, I absolutely LOVED Final Fantasy 6! Is it better than Final Fantasy 7? Is it better than...

"the best game ever!?"

Oh, good heavens, yes! I mostly enjoyed FF7. A final boss form that becomes increasingly difficult when one levels up his party or uses the strongest summon to defeat the previous form, loads of optional content (including more mini-games), a terrific soundtrack that is my favorite of all the FF titles, and, most importantly, it comes with Cait Sith.

I'm no gambling man, but randomized abilities provide some much-needed
entertainment during long periods of grindy battles.

In fact, the only major problem I have with FF7 is that the storyline is grossly convoluted. With each new twist and revelation, the whole thing felt like it was trying way too hard to keep me invested, which was never an issue during my playthrough. While 6 does have its moments, none of them are too far out there to be unbelievable.

Released a year prior to Chrono Trigger, one would be hard pressed not to find the influence FF6 had on Trigger's development. They look so goshdarn like the same game. I would say to them, "You want Biggs and Wedge?" Both of them say, "Yes." In fact, nearly every aspect of Chrono Trigger is a polished variation of FF6, with exceptions to its Active Time Battle system (which is drastically better) and Lavos, whose shallow presence is comparable to that of the final bosses for the other five Final Fantasy titles. At least he's not as bad as FF3's Miss Dark Cloud of Unlocking Credits who just appears out of Xande's well-toned ass and threatens all of existence.

"I love my forehead."

Lavos is just trying to feed and reproduce. Killing him for our own survival is more like a way of life, rather than a heroic deed. It's not what I would call a "satisfying conclusion" for the story, and it makes me wonder why Square went back a step with the character's depth after doing such an amazing job with Kefka, the "gag" villain of FF6, who stopped playing the fool around the time he decided to poison off an entire kingdom while comparing the sounds of their agony to that of beautiful music. He later topped this by booting his power-hungry king right off the edge of a floating landmass, absorbed enough power to turn himself into a god, and, basically, destroyed the entire surface of the planet. See, now that's the kind of scumbag practically every player would want to take down in the finale - a murderous, semi-omnipotent clown deity. I know calling him a "clown" already implied "murderous," but there's no harm in clarifying.

FF6 also features a rather large cast of playable characters, quality graphics (partially omitted from mobile ports), and a story that not only follows through in a similar, competent fashion to that of 5, but also manages to highlight the charm of several individuals through various subplots. My only major gripe is with having to "grind" for special attacks, especially for an achievement hunter. All of Gau's Rage moves, for example, deal with your party having to encounter previous enemies in a region known as the Veldt. If you actually come across a monster with a move Gau still needs to learn, then have Gau use Leap on that enemy and he will leave the party. During another random battle, he will appear, remind the party that he is their friend and join the team again... unless you hit him by mistake, that is. Then, the brat runs away and you repeat that scene with, yet, another random battle. All of this must be done to learn a single Rage move from the monster you targeted with his Leap ability, and potentially another from a monster you defeated during the battle of his return. What enemies you will face is randomized, making this achievement more frustrating than the traditional "Level (character name) to 99" nonsense, and, with regard to both achievements, this ought to come with a free punch to the mouth of whomever believed it was a brilliant idea to have in the first place.

Six offers plenty of optional bosses, including a gaggly clan of weak dragons, a magic man, a goof-off cephalopod and his snorty sidekick, and even Gilgamesh who shows up for a one-on-one, because he's Gilgamesh, the Cid of FF enemies. The guy just loves to make appearances, even in games that were released before his debut. Remember him in FF2? Nor did I until I played Dawn of Souls.

Great. Now the guy's going Turbo.

The final bout with Kefka is the most impressive I've ever fought in an RPG. A climbing gauntlet that requires the cooperation of twelve party members, and it's not Kefka taking on new Frieza-styled forms, either, which I greatly appreciate. Instead, you get to deal with a towering abomination, immediately followed by the God of Magic himself.

While many parts of the game will require the use of other characters anyhow, it's still important to spread the love throughout the entire party, because a single team of four probably won't reach the top without having somebody removed during one of the transitions. As for me, the only one I truly ignored was Gau, so he, along with Shadow, was left behind. I didn't actually know I was suppose to wait for Shadow, so I had no choice but to fight Kefka without him.

Overall, this game revitalized my desire to play more of the series. I give it an 11 out of 10, and I would gladly play again if I didn't have a mountain of other games to work through. Is it the best Final Fantasy? Probably... kinda... I'm not sure yet, but it was definitely good enough to convince me to purchase its predecessor, which is a vast improvement over 4, but pales in comparison to 6. I guess that's kinda how it should be with sequels, right?

Here is where the shitty ass graphics really shine for the mobile ports. It wasn't nearly this glaring with FF6, but look at those seams! FUCKIN' LOOK AT THEM! Who at Square Enix actually believed a straight mobile port was a fantastic idea to put on the PC? ...as if that mattered. Those money grubbin' assclowns knew modders would offer their free services to fix those mistakes, meaning they'd not only save money on, you know, not doing their own fucking work, but would also receive all the money from the Steam purchases, but, hey, we can now legally own almost the entire main series on the PC along with an assortment of nifty achievements to earn, like opening every chest in the game and maxing out levels, right?

Is this not embarrassing to Square Enix?
It's like shitting your pants and not caring if your customers notice.

When running the game, the launcher, in its own window, must always be present. There's also the little matter of a randomizing cursor to contend with. Sometimes, I get to attack when I try to attack, but, at other times, it will try to make me choose an item to waste, or cast magic, or... actually it doesn't matter! I shouldn't have to fight with my controls to play an "enhanced port" of a 20-year-old game. Even outside of battle, the whole menu system is cumbersome and counterintuitive. Maybe that's how it was back in 1992, but if we're enhancing a port, an enhanced menu should be included. Then again, maybe this setup was perfect for a mobile device. I'm not sure. I don't play mobile games (unless they're a shoddy port on a PC, that is). Judging by some of the complaints I've read on the store page, this remake suffers from additional problems for those with high-end graphic cards and/or while utilizing multiple monitors. I'm lucky in that regard, because I'm not fortunate enough to be rich, which isn't really all that lucky at all, so I'm neither rich nor lucky! Ha ha ha... *breaks down in tears*

Ok, so it's a technical and visual mess. If you can get past that, however, it's not a bad game at all. Moments of comedy are effectively sprinkled throughout a straightforward tale of good vs evil across multiple worlds.

It has vore, too.

Sprites are certainly cleaner, though no effort was made to have the main cast resemble the portraits of their concept art. I won't bother complaining about it, since I'm sure it would have offended a large chunk of the fan base to alter one to appear more like the other, and I bet there's already a free mod available to address the matter. What I am peeved about is how players are supposed to be fooled into believing Faris is a male for the first third of the adventure when her in-game sprite clearly resembles that of her sister and every other female. It's not really much of a reveal, now is it?

Enemy sprites look great.
Some better than others.

I love the dialogue in this one. Woolsey is a fantastic translator, no matter how inaccurate parts of a script might become.

*The greatest theme song ever begins to play*

Leaping lizards! What are we gonna do, Bartz?!

*rimshot*

References! 

Just give me a moment to slip into my Hammer pants.

But it's not all about fun 'n' games, lousy graphics, and vore...

Ok, so there's a little more vore.

There's also a need for work, which is why Final Fantasy 5 revisits the job system of FF3 through the use of exploding crystals. Just pick up a piece of the debris and you're now a Summoner, a Beserker, a Dragoon, a Ninja, a Furry, or a handful of other jobs that help to further bloat the game, because grinding is fun and should be stretched out for as long as possible. While some provide a reasonable skill set, many should have been condensed or cut out completely, like the Geomancer, which only provides a single decent ability, followed by worthless fluff. Separate jobs for singing and dancing? Fluff. Why couldn't a Beastmaster and a Ranger go hand-in-hand? Because fluff. Having to accumulate a second type of experience just to level jobs? Here's more fluff. Also, to make things more obnoxious, many enemies will only provide one of the two kinds, so there's rarely a single farming spot to conveniently power up your team.

Several of the earned abilities are complete garbage, regardless of what job offers them.

Learning how to tie a knot is tricky stuff!

The worst of these comes from being a Chemist and learning to use the Drink ability to, you guessed it, drink something. I know these characters already possess the ability to drink. Two of them were doing it during a cutscene in Regole. It's just more blatant padding with more fucking achievements trying to glorify them.

FUCK YOU, BADGE!

On the matter of achievements, there's a lot of missible content to worry about. Oddly enough, the bestiary isn't one of them, if you can believe that. Frequently saving in different slots will allow the player to go back to various spots in the game to encounter enemies and record them for the bestiary of every save file. Not just that one. So, if you were in a rush to beat the timer at Karnak Castle, you probably missed somebody.

Why yes, Bartz. That guy.

I was hoping this would work with opening the chests, because I know I skipped a few at Karnak Castle in order to escape from the explosion. Then again, maybe it does, and I unknowingly missed a chest elsewhere.

Beating Mr. Mwa-Ha-Ha...

"I turned myself into a tiny..."
Again, the dialogue is magnificent.

...unlocks a new dungeon with a more powerful duo of superbosses, a lousy boss rush, random battles against enemies that were extremely rare to encounter throughout the main storyline, and, of course, more fucking jobs to level up, including the Oracle, which I feel is the least useful of the twenty-six. This dungeon provides a decent challenge, along with a few choice spots for farming both kinds of experience, if that's your thing. I actually grinded everyone to level 99, just because I wanted to try and take down Neo Shinryu. Even then, he still pummeled my team a few times, but I suppose he wouldn't be much of a superboss if he didn't.

A fan of the SNES or GBA version has every right to hate this port. It's shit. Hell, the GBA port looks and plays better. Why didn't Square Enix lazily reuse that, instead? Why make another that's actually worse than the 1992 version? I'm not a developer. Perhaps there are issues involved that I'm not aware of, but none of this makes sense to me. I had never played V or VI beforehand, so I was more involved with the storylines than with the technical matters, and I was happy just to fully understand what was going on without the need of an online summary to explain what I just went through. I'm pretty sure the bat shit crazy stuff began on the PlayStation with FF7's weird tale of false memories, alien clones, and the Lifestream, though I still remember more about that than I did after playing FF8. All I can recall from that one is the Balamb Garden theme music, rocket motorcycles, a cute teacher with a whip, and Triple Triad. Practically nothing of the story itself. This worries me a little, because I really hope FF9 isn't a confusing mess to understand. I also hope the Steam port isn't another embarrassment for the developer, though I highly doubt they would care if it was.