Fallout from the Switch Presentation?

Thursday night was the presentation of the Nintendo Switch. I'm fairly certain it was directed by Toei Animation, since it played out like an episode of One Piece. The thing was an hour long, but half of it was a combination of what we had learned through previous announcements and the reveal trailer.

For starters, Switch was said to contain the DNA of all the previous systems, like shoulder buttons and a joystick. Yeah, while that's all technically true, having to mention it in such a lengthy manner was completely pointless. This occurred again in a cringy skit near the end with the revealing of Zelda's release date. Here, we see the game's creator, director, and Nintendo's biggest meme responding with, "I don't know the release date. Ask this guy!" "Oh, I can't answer that, either. Why not ask that guy?"

/facepalm

Then we're sent back to the stage, which follows into another trailer of the game. Fanatics of the series were overjoyed to see new footage, though a handful bitched about the English voice acting. Then we got to see the big reveal - Zelda is a launch title. *inhales* Yeah, I thought that was obvious. Didn't you think that was obvi... wait, nevermind. You're probably not here with me right now. I'm too lazy to turn around and check. If it wasn't, what would that have left us with, huh? Skylanders, Just Dance, and an uninteresting variation of Wii Sports? That trailer, too, by the way, was stretched out in the beginning. Within seconds, we got it. We understood what was going on, but, still, we had to sit through a western-styled gun duel that took roughly ninety seconds to finish. Ninety fucking seconds to finish. That's an awful lot of build up for reiterating motion control gaming, and, after a series of other dumb examples, the only thing we can take away from all of this is that you now look at the other player, rather than at a screen.

Why was this necessary? Were screens even an issue among gamers?

When people create these things, do they actually tell the actors, "Hey, really ham it up, guys! That'll totally convince the viewers that this isn't cheap and terrible to play!" The vast majority don't fall for that shit anymore, so stop it. If anything, seeing that sort of window dressing will raise more flags than the tired concept itself.

What bothered me the most about this presentation is how elementary the explanation for the system became, especially involving the joy-cons.We can see the buttons and joysticks. We know how they work. The rumble feature has been around for a few decades now. Look, the reveal was heavily praised, because it told consumers everything without talking. Here, it's the complete opposite, and a viewer had to wade a whole bunch uh nuthin' just to get a few morsels of something fresh. Way to hold my attention, Nintendo. Even if this is directed at investors or whomever might not have seen the reveal video back in October, one could imagine they can look at this thing and figure out how to use it for themselves. If not, link them the friggin' video! It's still there, and on the same channel as this presentation. Why would they even want to invest in something if they don't know the basics about it already?

Thank goodness we can now count how many cubes of ice are dropped into a virtual glass of water.
Welcome to the future, folks.

I'm glad region locking isn't a thing with Switch. I really didn't care, but I've read enough whining from those who do, and it's primarily by those who see the Japanese version of anything to be superior, even when the only difference is the language, and, frankly, that should just be an expected option nowadays for players to change at will... except through indie titles, of course. Limited budget, and such. All I want from them is a functional experience. Super Comboman is currently not doing that for me, but having just finished Hotline Miami 2, my tolerance for pain at this moment is fairly high, so bring on the softlocks and iffy controls, you lousy, fuckin' sticker-collecting platformer.

Battery life and pricing were important for many, and I was a little curious, but it wasn't going to affect my decision all that much. (I seldom leave my home, and I never expect this stuff to be cheap.) If the lowest is going to be two and a half hours of power, then I'll typical plan for that on all games. I'm guessing the six-hour limit pertains to classic titles, which will be available as freebies each month through a paid online service. I'm fine with that. Others are not, but that same crowd believes all video games should cost $5, so it's best to ignore their existence.

At $300, I'm fine with the initial cost for the console. I'll likely want an additional controller, and that's another $70, $80, along with $90 for another dock. By the time I actually have a desire to own the thing, it'll probably drop in price anyhow. If not, I won't complain. I'm sure Nintendo will deserve it by the time Mario hits the shelves. Typing of which, there's games. Not a lot of them, but stuff is in the works.

Mario Kart 8 is being ported and bringing the world of Splatoon along for the race. There's also Dry Bones and the feather item, if you care. I don't, but since I never bought the game for my Wii U, this will be on my short list of purchases.

Another obvious choice is Super Mario Odyssey, where Bowser and Mario are traveling around the globe in spiffy hats. I get some first-season JoJo vibes from Boswer's little Speedwagon attack, and one can only hope that Mario's sentient cap is less obnoxious than FLUDD. Granted, I didn't mind the thing. Sunshine is my favorite of the Mario titles, after all (with SMB2 being a close second), so I must like FLUDD at a subconscious level. When it was first shown during the Switch's reveal, I was really hoping Mario was traversing the realm of Samba de Amigo, and that the premise involved him in the world of Sega's library of gems. Yeah, I know. Ha-ha. Fuck you. Let me dream... preferrably in NiGHTS.

Already saw an awful lot of mocking in ARMS's direction, but I'm a fan of quirky one-on-one titles. Plus, Ribbon Girl will certainly inspire a superfluous amount of porn, so there's that to look forward to. I'm not a fan of blondes, so I'll have to settle for whatever it was recently made about Mario and his sentient cap. (Yeah, that's a thing.)

I do believe I've seen this combination of Puyo and Tetris before, but I welcome it all the same. This is especially because I don't currently own a previous version of it, though I do have some variation of both separately. Plenty of different Tetris games, and I actually have the best version of Puyo Pop. I should be content, but this is far more eye-catching, and I'm all about that excessive use of colors.

Puyo Pop at its dankest.

As far as Tetris goes, I imagine every version is the best, so long as it doesn't deviate from the seven tetriminos, and isn't an abysmal mess, like that atrocity Tetris Ultimate was by Ubisoft. Seriously, how does one mess that up? You'd have to actually put time and money into achieving such a feat. Alternatively, I guess one could be like EA and charge a monthly fee to play it, but let's hope none of that nonsense worms its way into this collaboration prior to the release.

Konami is releasing something that might actually qualify as a playable video game. I wish I could type that it couldn't get any worse than Act Zero, but this is Konami, and I'm sure they'll find some way to disappoint me and all the other hopefuls awaiting more information on Super Bomberman R. Now, a moment of silence for Hudson Soft.

You will always bee in our hearts, Hudson. Much love. Such Bonk.

There's a handful of JRPGs making their way to the console... Dragon Quest. Shin...Chan? I don't know. I don't care. Also, Fire Emblem is taking over for Zelda in the form of Dynasty Warriors. As long as Hector and Amelia are available, I'll be happy.

I may not like blondes, but I do love seeing an unstoppable tank single-handedly wipe out an entire army with brute force.

While I won't be touching any of this March 3rd, it will maybe be interesting to see how launch plays out. I'm guessing there will be unjustifiable shortages and a Youtube subscription feed littered with Zelda gameplay and impressions. Won't matter to me, since I have plenty to finish on Steam right now, and Wii U games still in their wrap. Actually, I also own brand new copies of Wii and Gamecube games still in their plastic covers. I am so far behind.

In other news that nobody cares about, I finished Fallout 4 and its DLC. Not everything, but I did manage 70 of the 84 achievements, so that isn't bad. Bethesda did a better job of cobbling this one together, as I was able to start the game immediately after downloading it.

Don't kid yourself! There are still plenty of bugs.

He was like this when I fast traveled here and completely disappeared once I entered the ship. This weird shit happens.

Fallout 4 managed to do the improbable by being a relatively stable experience, even with its own programming issues, and only about a fifth of its quests would glitch out and require an override through the console. In fact, the only major problems I found involved using the interface for customizing settlements, and the strong lack of personality from the base game. Everyone outside of your companions is negligible. At no point did I care to learn more about anyone who wasn't offering a perk as a reward. Even the game's DJ, Travis, is an unlikable shit.

"Hey. Uh I mean, I mean. Hi... again. Uh... hi? Hiii..."
(He won't be missed.)

You can boost his confidence, or have him replaced with an arrogant brat. Either way, you won't feel compelled to listen to the radio. Three Dog, he ain't.

As many have stated before, Fallout 4 is a far prettier experience, and the combat is fantastic, but it's more of a FPS than an RPG, and if you're not playing survival mode, then you're not really going to care about what happens as a result of your actions. I didn't. For example, I became a part of the Brotherhood of Steel.

Stay strong, squire.

Then, I killed'em all, except for Danse. He won't talk to me anymore.

After that, I became the leader of the Institute.

And there it is! Take a picture!

I found more joy in the DLC of Far Harbor and learning about Valentine's past, or, at least, until I had to do a series of tower defense, Minecraft-like quests.

Hope you like blue!
(I greatly dislike blue.)

The Mechanist DLC offers up the enjoyable opportunity to battle goofy-looking machines alongside Ada, a customizable companion who went apeshit as I was exploring the Mechanist's hideout.

Note: All these pictures of Ada are while standing in the same spot. 

Not only did Ada spaz out and fly around the place, she/it went headfirst into the Mechanist as we were reaching a peaceful understanding and caused the NPC to go hostile. On the plus side, I got a new settlement (because I really cared about all the other ones I won't bother to defend), and a new costume for my companions to share.

I made Cait wear this throughout Nuka-World.

Nuka-World was my last stop, and while I enjoyed the festive change in scenery, I zoomed through each park and guzzled soda throughout the entire thing. There's an achievement for collecting 100,000 tickets, and it's easy to do, but, really, why? You can also customize a group of raiders to take over your own settlements, because everyone likes taking over settlements (again).

Yeah, this review is just a half-assed excuse to post screenshots, but many tell me they only look at the pictures anyhow, so this is for you bunch of losers. I can call you "losers" because you won't read this anyhow. Look, here's another picture featuring a pile of teddy bears and bullets!

I'm a post-apocalyptic Santa Claus bringing joy to The Commonwealth. 

If you were wondering, Prime does make a return in Fallout 4, but I never got to see him in action... because I killed the folks rebuilding him. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ "Oh well!"

Overall, this is going to appeal to the gun nuts, modders, and the RPers who are just going to kill everything, change everything, or conjure up their own story. Not so much to people like me who were hoping for a similar experience to what made Fallout 3 and New Vegas amazing. Granted, I know there are plenty of those who love being able to build their own vault and various bases, but doing so is frustrating. It really is a shitty interface, and Bethesda ought to feel embarrassed for it. Plus, Preston will never stop bugging you about them. The only real benefit I found was in setting up several shops, because vendors never seemed to have enough caps to pay out for all the crap I had accumulated during my travels.

Lastly, here's my character and wasteland waifu, Sumbich.

I don't actually indulge in the idea of a waifu, but I do like making female characters and naming them Sumbich. It amuses me, cause I'm immature, and the structure of this post would infuriate an English professor, but, hey, why read this when there's one more picture to look at, instead?

Give her drugs. Discover your future.

Happy New Year everyone, and good luck to those of you also in participating the upcoming Four in February. So far, I've only decided upon Bastion. I have roughly half a month left to figure out the other three. Wish me luck, or read this after February and not think about it anymore.

Keep your expectations low, people. I'm pretty sure 2017 is going to suck as much as 2016, if not more.