When E3 was over, I thought, "Wow! I need to cash in on this!" Up until now, it seemed as if Sony would remain on top, thanks in part to their large support from third-party developers and popular exclusive titles. With that risky $600 price tag hanging off of their new system, it's now my chance to come in and dominate the industry with my own system, the Mii! Analyzing everything that made the other systems great, I incorporated (stole) these ideas and placed them into my new system, along with some other features that the competition have sadly neglected to even consider.
Mii features:
Backward and sideways compatibility
Next-gen-after graphics
Cordless controllers with motion, smell, sound, and taste sensoring
Wi-Fi, Ethernet, and telepathic online capability
Includes DVD, VHS, and 8-Track players
Other features include:
Weight-loss success
Laser-eye surgery
Hair removal
Washing clothes / dishes / cars
Alarm system
Cures cancer
Portable grill / refrigerator
Time travel
Brings back the dead
Grants wishes
The Mii, along with its portable system, the Mini Mii, are just the first two pillars in a six-pillar plan to conquer the video game market. The Mii will host a number of first-party games of all genres, along with several exclusive third-party titles from big companies, such as Komani, Hamco, and Raprom. The systems will undercut Nintendo's low price by offering the Mii at only $139.99. How can I do this and still make a profit? Like any good American businessman, I use illegal immigrants. In fact, that's why the system is called Mii: Made by Illegal Immigrants. The Miimote will be capable of hovering in mid-air, allowing the Mii to appeal to two other types of gamers: the lazy and the quadriplegic. Yeah, yeah... time-travel, granting wishes, blah, blah, blah, right? You want to know more about the games. Well, of course, the Mii and Mini Mii combined will offer the largest number of launch titles. While most are still in early development, screenshots of some of the more anticipated games have been provided.
Mii launch titles include:
Tales of Nymphonia
After experiencing turbulence aboard her rheaird, the vibration between Sheena's legs left her with a sensation so wonderful that she departs from a gang of idealistic teenagers to pursue her own quest to find the chosen one of pleasure.
Mutant League Skeeball
Monsters play skeeball at a Chuck E. Cheese restaurant in order to collect enough tickets needed to win the coveted MLS trophy!
Custom Hobo
Customize your vagabond with an assortment of street trash accessories and have him compete in bum fights for glory and the good of mankind.
Hasslevania
For 15 to 20 minutes, the world was at peace, until David Hassleholf once again rose from his tanning bed, unleashing slow-moving, undead lifeguards with giant, bouncing breasts and terrible dialogue to wreck havoc upon nearby beaches. It's up to the Simoan Delmonte and his kinky leather whip to help save humanity, and maybe even end the curse of his virginity.
PEZ Crossing
Explore a new world of wonder and square-shaped candies where even everyday chores are deliciously sweet fun!
Phonic the Groundhog
There's no catching up to this speed-reading demon! Help Phonic stop Dr. Robooknic from conquering the world by quickly reading through each new area's award-winning text and then facing off against evil robot clones of famous authors, such as Edgar Allen Poe, Ray Bradbury, and Dr. Suess!
Petty Theft Auto
It's an open-ended world where you play the role of a 17-year-old street punk who breaks into cars and robs them of loose change, cigarettes, and CDs. You can even pick pockets, snatch purses, and short-change the people at the register.
Streetcraft: Cocaine of Chaos
The mean streets of Los Angeles are about to get meaner as three factions fight for territory, power, and money, while another fights to end it. In this real-time strategy, players are allowed to choose from four races of human sub-species: the Drug Dealers, the Pimps, the Gangs, and the LAPD. As the story unfolds, a stash of very high-quality cocaine from the lost city of Goinnose was said to have been discovered and is currently stored away safely somewhere within the city. This stuff will really f**k you up, and every kind of scumbag wants to find that out for themselves. What they all don't realize is that the LA Mafia already has men of their own working for each of the factions, and no one is sure of who to trust during these times of street violence.
Untold Legends: The Mime's Code
Nothing about this game has been talked about as of yet.
Yazhee: the Video Game
Click the button, and roll. Click the button, and roll. Yes, now you can click and roll your way into a depression as you soon realize that no one else was stupid enough to pay $30 for the virtual equivalent of five dice and a sheet of paper.
Donkey Donga
Slap a wang-shaped controller to some of your favorite tunes and watch how happy that gorilla becomes.
ZOOM
Archeologists have discovered an ancient portal dubbed as "The Gate of Hell." Sent through the portal to collect information, the rest of your party is quickly massacred, leaving you all alone in the HQ building of PBS to fight your way through an army of telebubbies, boo-bah, and several characters from other shows like Cyberchase, Arthur, Mia and Miguel, Between the Lions, Reading Rainbow, Sesame Street, and George Shrinks. Even if you succeed, the real challenge is ahead as you are pitted against the crafty children of ZOOM, dressed in various costumes and utilizing old jokes, food recipes, and science experiences sent in by viewers like you! Rumor has it that Mister Rogers is an unlockable character, but no word yet from the developers has confirmed this.
D.A.R.C.
This is where the graphics of the Mii are used to their fullest extent, as you must explore enemy-filled streets and warehouses on a pitch-black screen, where the only clues as to what is happening are the sound effects!
Stikmin
Dolomar's ship ran into an asteroid and has forced him to crash in the middle of a strange world where the air is too toxic to breathe and the water tastes like Zima. He must locate all the parts to his ship within 30 days, before his air supply and bottles of beer run out. Unsure of how to acquire all the pieces within a month, Dolomar discovers a race of stick figures who are too stupid to question the concept of slave labor. Taking full advantage of their sad ignorance, Dolomar believes he now has a real chance of escaping this hellhole after all.
Bad Racer
This game is gonna suck... away all your free time!
There is no kind of fun anywhere within this game... that you won't have!
This is the absolutely worst piece of crap racing game in the entire known universe; and the graphics, music, and characters are so awful that you will want to kill yourself just to end the misery of it all... will be the exact opposite of what you will really think about the game!
Fatal Fantasy
This massive RPG comes in a pack of 4 discs, each one ending with a hot female character being stabbed to death by the main boss in a poor attempt to cover up the game's mediocrity with shock value.
RV: the Unofficial Video Game
Based upon the box office bomb starring an unfunny Robin Williams in a rip-off of National Lampoon's Vacation, the game directs you along a linear path into obvious situations of toilet humor and other slapstick hi-jinx.
The Legend of Velda: The Milking of Vaccadorf
Another shameless example of product placement in video games, the great wizard Vaccadorf has kidnapped Princess 2%, while his non-dairy minions run amuck throughout the great land of Creamer. It's up to the great hero Velda to save the people of Creamer and their princess.
Miller Instinct
Dennis Miller has stumbled upon a gateway into another dimension where an old man tells him that he is the great warrior foretold by prophets long ago who would come to save their world from several sharp-witted demon comedians.
Nintendung
Produce and care for your favorite animal made from one of Earth's most natural resources. Nintendung provides players with mini-games, walks around public restrooms, and even interaction with the commode floaters of other players as ways of developing and customizing your fecal friend.
BADD Dudes
Brawlers Against Drunk Driving is an organization fighting to stop those who refuse to drink responsibly.
Harvest Poon
There's six gorgeous ladies in need of some lovin', and only one boy who can satisfy them. Which one will it be? Do you like the old-fashioned method? Maybe you'd prefer a dominatrix, a bisexual, or perhaps the one who likes to dress up as an animal. It's up to you!
Super Princess B***h
King Kooga has captured Blario and it is up to the princess to save him. Using the strength of those irrational emotions found within every woman, watch as PMS turns Beach into a super Beach, amplifying her hormonal hatred tenfold.
Mehtris
Tired of remake after remake of everyone's favorite puzzle game, Mehtris simply sends the exact same square block over and over again.
ArmRash and Earl
Gangrene has left ToeJam with only two legs, and if Earl wants to save his friend from having to live the rest of his days in a wheelchair, he and ToeJam's younger brother must scour Funkatron for the funkiest ingredients of funktitude ever to funking funk! Saying "funky" never seems to get old as everyone is required by Funkatron law to use some form of it once in every sentence.
That ho, Raven!
Oh Shnapp! Hungarian cheerleading warlords have taken over the school and have managed to brainwash everyone except for one fat ho whose head was too far into a giant bucket of popcorn chicken to be affected by the hypnosis rays. Can Raven save the school before the player sets the cartridge on fire and flings it into a busy highway?
Floorboard Kids
With not even enough money to buy warm clothes or food, five deformed children decide to participate in a series of competitions using wooden planks from the front porch of someone's cottage and his fence. Can you win enough prize money to feed and clothe your racer before he dies of starvation or hypothermia?
Pac-Bastard
Apparently, there is some infidelity going on in the Pac-Man household as this forsaken offspring stars in his own simple, endless version of the game.
And finally,
Sarsnov
Help a sickly, pale Chinese man find the fabled cure-all can of Buddha's chicken noodle soup by spewing contagious microbes at your enemies and collecting several blocks with the letter "S" on them which have been scattered all over the place. These blocks contain small samples of the soup to help keep your scrawny man alive throughout the journey.
As you can tell, the Mii will reign supreme! Watch out video gaming world! It's my time to shine, motherf-ers! And why? Because it's all about mii!
3 comments:
Best fucking post ever. By anyone.
-Mark
Seek treatment for Schizophrenia. It is the bizarre, loose association that gave you away.
INDEED!
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