Now With Capes!

Ah, it feels so good to be done with college for this semester. I love DP as much as the next really intelligent, handsome, all-around-great video gamer, but not when I am drinking can after can of it to help me stay conscious in class. I know Mountain Dew has more caffeine, but it also tastes like urine... well, maybe not exactly like urine. After all, I've never seen a chimpanzee smile after drinking a bottle of Mt. Dew.

Anyhow, I am done until August, giving me about three and a half months to help sell dad’s old house, to move crap into his new house, and to play through Final Fantasy 7, Final Fantasy 8, and Chrono Cross. All I gotta do first is finish taking care of everything on Tales of Symphonia, which I didn't realize had 8 endings and a dungeon hidden within a library book. Once I found this out, I had to abruptly stop playing my other games. I can’t claim having finished any RPG just by watching only one of its endings and making no attempt to complete its side-quests. If a developer puts forth the extra effort into making the game, then I should put forth the extra effort into experiencing all of it.

Now with my new found freedom, I have decided to talk about something near and dear to my heart since I finally got the chance to watch an episode of its new season on ABC. The Power Rangers Mystic Force series retains the same low quality of children’s programming found within many of the show’s previous themes, but this time, they do it with capes! YES! WOOHOO! Ahem, well, the show is a slightly better version of the quickly cancelled The Mystic Knights of Tir Na Nog, possibly because it doesn’t have that thick-accented, black British guy yelling "Wah-tah around me!" Even with capes, however, the new season of Power Rangers still can not compare to the first, and greatest, season of the series. In fact, the history of the Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers is almost as interesting as the show itself.

After the cancellation of Voltron: Defender of the Universe back in 1982, America went through what historians dubbed the "Great Voltron Depression." Millions of Americans died of famine and grief, while others became violent with protesting and bombings.

You may not know this, but there were originally two Statues of Liberty, one on each side of America. Demands to replace Lady Liberty’s torch with a blazing sword fell on deaf ears, resulting in the destruction of the California statue. **A little known fact: Shortly after the mess was cleaned up, part of the ruined statue was used in the climactic ending of the original movie of the Planet of the Apes.** As the Great Voltron Depression continued to ravish American society, lame spin-off Voltron shows were created and quickly axed, while Michael Jackson somehow managed to release yet another album. The situation was becoming worse with each passing day, and it was clear that neither President Reagan nor President Bush had the necessary resources to stop it. Finally, Haim Saban and Shuki Levy teamed up to create something truly magnificent. On August 28, 1993, FOX aired the first episode of the Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers!


The show was pure genius from start to finish. Those people fortunate enough to have seen the show will never forget Zordon’s fat floating head as he commanded his poorly built robot Alpha 5 to "recruit a team of teenagers with attitude" in the opening before the show’s theme song.



No easy task, mind you, but luckily, in addition to everything else in the world, KISS merchandise did include a device that checked the level of one’s attitude. With it, Alpha 5 managed to bring together a team of teenagers with attitude, and of ethnic diversity. Appropriately, an African and Asian played the roles of the black and yellow rangers. There was a Native American for the role of the red ranger, but he couldn’t stay clean long enough to finish shooting an episode. Of course, there had to be a know-it-all ranger in the group. This was basically decided upon by choosing the guy who looked best in glasses. As we all know, glasses = brains, and there’s no such thing as a stupid person with poor vision. After that, Alpha simply threw in a bimbo for good measure and voilà, the Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers were created!

Voltron fans were in awe of its greatness. Everything they had fought long and hard for had become a reality. The show included terrible dialogue, Japan-esque acting ability, and some of the most original weaponry ever thought up by someone not under the influence of marijuana. Where else can you see silly string and a Ribbon Dancer save the world from evil? Heck, "evil" isn't even a strong enough word to describe this bunch of living nightmares.


There was Rita Repulsa and her "Make my monster GROW!" staff,

Goldar the winged monkey in golden armor who makes those growling sounds like Arnold Schwarzenegger on the Conan ‘O Brian show: "Errrr, Red Ranger, you can not stop us... errrrah."

There was the lovely Scorpina, who had the ability to be beautiful one moment and hideous the next (kinda like Sarah Jessica Parker). Some say Goldar loves her, and why not? Nothing wrong with a little Asian tang.

And later came Lord Zedd, who ruled in every imaginable way until he was put under a spell and forced to marry Rita. Surprisingly, the Rita and Zedd sex tape is one of the few things left that you won't find on the internet. Ugh.

What the show lacked in original footage (you might notice in the first season that the yellow ranger turns into a man several times during battle) it made up for with its high level of quality. Regardless of where you attacked the rangers, pain was always represented with a single black dot on their chests, just like in real life! Also, the ideas for monsters to face the rangers were chosen carefully and meticulously, taking into account the originality of their names, abilities, and appearances. Some of these monsters included the following:
Gnarly Gnome, Pudgy Pig, Chunky Chicken,


Mr. Ticklesneezer, Terror Toad, Babe Ruthless,
and my personal favorite, Pineoctopus, who took the form of Pineapples the Clown and turned people into cardboard cut-outs.

Even with all of this, fans still desire a return of Voltron. There is the possibility of a movie in the near future, and who knows, maybe even a new cartoon series that is more loyal to the original, instead of more crappy spin-off shows. Until then, grab yourself a DVD copy of Voltron (or VHS, whatever) and the series of the Mighty Morphin’ Power Rangers and bask in their cinematic glory.

^_^ Man, it’s good to relax again!