Ian's Insight 3

If you don't know already, Ian is my brother. Once in a blue moon, he has something to talk about, and I'm more than happy to be an outlet for his thoughts. His work is quoted, so the only changes I made were the font type, font color, and removing the extra spaces between his paragraphs. The colors are just there to make it a bit easier to read. Enjoy!

"Guide to finding an apartment

Recently, I've been looking for a new place to live.
I thought I would write a guide for those of you who may, in the near future, look for a new apartment. The following is a collection of many common descriptions used in apartment description guides. I have translated each description to it's "real" meaning, providing a thorough explanation of each phrase.

"the convenience is unmatched!" - Apartment complex is situated between Dairy Queen, 7-11, and a Target. Prepare for lots of filthy people passing outside your apartment pushing shopping carts full of NASCAR tubesocks all day.

"the serenity is incredible!" - All other tenants are 100-year old mummies who spend all day decomposing. Playing any kind of music or television show will result in a fine. Walking across your living room later than 10:00 pm will result in Police action. Using a blender is grounds for an expulsion or death penalty.

"separate clusters of apartment homes are spread out amongst wide-open lawns" - Place is full of overgrown weeds and blades of grass the size of totem poles. Lawn hasn't been mowed since the late 17th century.

"easy access to the highway" - Apartments are along the median of I-95. The sound of passing traffic and honking horns will keep you from ever getting an hour of sleep. You will learn to have conversations by constantly yelling at the top of your lungs.

"several pools and saunas are available for use" - Unfixable leak in the drainage / sewage system ensures a large collection of filthy canals and puddles all across the property. Some of these puddles have been heated thanks to the severed electrical lines which litter the walkway.

"Award-winning architectural design boasts an incredible patio."
"lakefront property available" - The above-mentioned drainage system leak has caused a gigantic swamp to form where apartments C 102 - D 206 previously were. Apartments surrounding the "lakefront property" are equipped with reinforced glass windows to prevent the 500-pound mosquitoes from crashing into the living room and implanting eggs into the owner's children.

"includes a state-of-the-art fitness center" - There are two broken exercise bikes with shattered LED screens inside a barren room. If the complex is truly "upscale", there will also be a television set that only picks up a static-filled PBS and some Spanish channel that features a gameshow where contestants must dress up as the opposite sex and propose to a man in an ape suit.

"features a sand volleyball court" - The place used to be a golf course before they tossed up apartments all over the area. Sand traps were originally converted to glass bottle recycling areas until the owner found a net along the highway. He decided to put it up in order to attract noisy drunk college students who want to play volleyball at 2:00 am and pass out in the "state-of-the-art fitness center".

"apartments are a paradise of luxury and amenities" - There are functioning toilets in most bathrooms. Trees outside provide shade for when the shingles on the roofs fall off or are stolen.

"full of captivating charm" - Apartments haven't been remodeled since the 100 Years War.

"provides six lighted tennis courts" - Courts are fully lighted... in the daytime.

"we provide unparalleled attention to detail and customer service" - Police will show up within three hours of your murder.

"jogging tracks are adjacent to the community" - There is a sidewalk outside your apartment. Jogging is the preferred method of travel because it effectively doubles the chance that you won't be mugged while trying to get to your car.

"designed by a National Award winning architect" - Person who drew the apartment layout won a bicycle in the "Captain O Magazine Subscription" contest.

"the location is great" - This quote was overheard by a couple guys transporting stolen speakers and television sets in the back of their unmarked white van.

"we are within blocks of parks and recreation" - Empty lot across the street provides hours of entertainment for children who like to be trapped inside abandoned refrigerators. They'll meet new and exciting homeless people who will teach them informative lessons that involve injecting various substances into their arms.

"floorplans also include extra deep full-wall closets" - Previous tenants were able to fit two whole corpses inside the closet.

"apartments feature central heating" - Fireplace is lodged directly in the middle of the livingroom. If there is no fireplace, there is a square patch of floor where you can start a campfire. Carpet provides "optimal burning experience".

"plush wall to wall carpet in designer color" - Carpet is the color of the fruit punch previous owners preferred to drink. Festive "random dark blobs" are scattered throughout the place.

"let our responsive management team do all they can to make you feel at home" - You will be given a keychain with the apartment complex's name written across it. If you are lucky, you might also be given a chipped coffee mug as well.

"includes outdoor picnic area" - Somebody left a bunch of wooden boards outside. Crazy Earl, the drunken groundskeeper, hammered the planks together in the vague form of a table. Hundreds of nails protruding from the wood ensures a very "memorable" dining experience which should be concluded with a barrage of Tetanus shots.

"Plenty of parking in our spacious uncovered garages."
"choose from our wide range of models for a residence that complements and enhances your lifestyle" - We have really cheap apartments for you stingy bastards who don't feel like paying $2000 a month for an apartment with running water. The lower-end apartments are made of taped-together cardboard boxes with numbers written on the outside.

"you'll find the carefree living you deserve" - Many tenants don't feel the need to walk around clothed.

"an exciting urban environment" - No less than six homeless people will hang around outside your door and wade through your used condoms in the garbage. Smog from surrounding factories will make unassisted breathing "an exciting experience."

"an attention to detail that make the difference" - Maintenance has patched up the bullets holes in the walls that previous tenants left. Chalk outlines on the floor are still visible but you can move your couch on top of them or something.

"beautiful private balconies and patios" - You know that five square feet of space right outside your front door? They took away the welcome mat, replaced it with a potted plant that one of the illegal aliens on the janitorial staff stole from outside the local Target, and dubbed the area a "patio". If your apartment is on the second floor, this space is referred to as a "balcony".

"a meticulously maintained gated community" - Due to the city's strict wild animal policies, a concrete wall has been erected around the entire property in order to keep in the myriad of rabid wolverines and opossums that are lurking in the area, just waiting to become your "potential pets".

"our recently remodeled apartments feature a bright and airy atmosphere" - Roof costs extra.

"vertical blinds in every apartment" - Recently upgraded from "horizontal bars".

"a large social room with a 35" television with a satellite dish" - Satellite dish sends out a television feed instead of bringing one in. Ignore the odd-looking light fixtures in your bathroom; they're just lights.

"we feature a fully equipped business center" - Windows 3.0 computer has a warezed version of Microsoft Access installed. The only program which doesn't cause the computer to reboot upon loading is Microsoft Paint.""