Ian's Insight 4

Many concerned parents have been led astray by the news. Scared each night by stories about pedophiles, murderers, and President Bush, many trick-or-treaters are being forced into the streets from 3 to 6 PM, when there is still plenty of light outside. There's nothing wrong with playing it safe, right? Let's just forget about the fact that your children are sweltering in their own costumes, while their treats are being reduced to pennies, candy corn, and multicolored wrappers all floating around in a pool of melted chocolate. It's not just atmosphere, but common sense. You don't send your kids out on Halloween during the day! Oh, but what about all those monsters that go bump in the night? Well, you're in luck, because my brother has taken time from his busy schedule of coaching the Tennessee Titans to victory to provide us with his insight on how to survive this spook-filled holiday.

"Halloween is near! I've written a handy guide for you.

In my life I have had to defend myself from, and even kill Vampires, Souls of the damned, Hyundais, and yes, even Vampires.

Praying to Zeus can go a long way in warding off the unwanted advances of a vampire at a saucy disco, but I stand by John Madden's philosophy that the best defense is a good offense like the Hail Mary. Grab a hunk of turducken, pop in your favorite Credence tape, and buckle up, because it's going to be a wild ride!

Werewolves

Overview: To this day it is unknown whether lycanthropy, or the condition of being a werewolf or similar shape changing monster, is a communicable disease, some sort of genetic aberrance, or the result of a gypsy curse. What we do know about werewolves is that they combine the less cool aspects of giant man-eating wolves with human cannibals to form a really huge man-wolf sort of creature rarely seen outside the realm of furry porn. Supposedly people with lycanthropy only change into this wolf form during the full moon, but those of you who believe that have obviously never worked the trucker shift at a Perkins restaurant. I think at least 30% of the patrons after about three in the morning are either werewolves or goblins and the remaining 70% are a huge amorphous creature not unlike "The Blob" except made out of mesh-backed hats, NASCAR shirts, and flannel jackets

Danger Posed: Werewolves are fairly dangerous. When someone turns into a werewolf they lose all control over their normal faculties and revert to animal instincts, which usually mean they eat the nearest thing with a pulse. In some cases this may be nothing more than a goat or something, in others it may be you and chances are the werewolf wants to eat you more than you want to not be eaten by it.

Defeating Werewolves: The first thing you need to remember when tangling with a werewolf is that as big, strong, and toothy as they may be, they are not really much smarter than your average household pet. One of the easiest ways to frighten them off is by screaming "no!" or "bad!" and menacing them with a rolled up newspaper or shoe. Sometimes the werewolf's common dog sense might be overwhelmed by its need to eat your skull, in which case brute force is the only method that works. Tractors are excellent for driving over werewolves, as are steam rollers and 18 wheelers. They can be dodgy so be prepared to use throwing knives or some sort of improvised bola to immobilize them before running them down.

Ghosts

Overview: Most of you know that when we die our souls depart this mortal coil to the realm of Valhalla where we celebrate our lives as warrior at long banquet tables day in and day out. Sometimes when a warrior dies in the midst of battle he feels unfulfilled and is doomed to wander the earth tormenting the living. This is usually accomplished by emerging from walls, making objects levitate, moaning from inside walls, appearing on film as translucent dots, and appearing in mansions full of really crappy puzzles. Because of their insubstantial nature, ghosts can take on a number of forms. This means that it can be difficult to recognize the same ghost seen a second time, which raises the question of tagging ghosts in the wild. Since most bullets and tracking devices will simply pass through ghosts the best method for tagging them is to carve identifying marks into their head or chest with a magical dagger, usually after subduing them with some form of warding circle.

Danger Posed: Ghosts only rarely pose a physical threat to those in their immediate vicinity and even this is usually an indirect result of panicked behavior in the face of their spooky antics. Much more frequently they just turn your life into shit by being total freeloaders on your valued property. They'll float around through any wall at any time of day or night, levitate your books like they own them, leave ectoplasm all over the fucking place, and bleed out of your electrical sockets whenever they feel like it. If you tell them to get off their ass and earn their keep they'll float up into the attic and sulk for a couple days with those goddamn chains. They're just a serious pain to have around, especially the Indian warriors from the burial ground you built your pool on top of. They will just stand over your bed and point accusingly at you for hours on end and believe me, if you had trouble jerking off in front of the cat imagine how bad it's going to be with some Sioux warrior with two centuries of betrayal in his eyes. No matter how loud you turn up "Dirty Talkin' Blowjobs Volume 14" it won't be loud enough to drown out the spectral pathos.

Defeating Ghosts: Ghosts have no physical presence so they can't be defeated in the traditional sense, but they can be forced to leave your area with a disciplined regimen of ghost one-upmanship. Watch your ghost's behavior and carefully record its various methods of trying to frighten you. Once you feel you have a pretty complete list it's time to start showing the ghost how things are done. If it's levitating furniture then you need to build a device that shoots furniture at high velocity around the room. Does that son of a bitch make the walls ooze blood? Time to hook up some high-pressure pipes to wall spigots and fire massive columns of blood out of the walls! Don't forget about the moaning, a couple crying babies, a staple gun, and a few police megaphones and you have a room of horrors to put even the moaniest ghost to shame. Do these things and any others that would trump your phantasmal friend and before you know it he'll be heading on to greener and less emasculating pastures.

Vampires

Overview: Vampires are immortal denizens who have contracted a disease transmitted by the bite of a vampire. They crave blood, both human and animal, but unlike werewolves they are like this at all times and only when desperate for blood do they become animalistic. They can usually be easily identified by their manner of dress which can include mesh tank tops, leather pants or chaps, bejeweled cod pieces, Madonna or Diana Ross costumes. Most vampires are in exceedingly good shape other than what are known as "bear vampires" which tend to be hirsute and portly with a predilection towards leather vests and creepy rubber cowboy boots. Bear vampires are like the leaders of the vampires so pray that you do not have to face one of them.

Danger Posed: Vampires generally attack in special vampire clubs where they hold macabre bacchanals in which many of them dress up as members of the opposite sex. There have been several notable vampire hunters throughout the years although most recently powerful vampire mind-slaves in the government have made slaying vampires a "hate crime" with severe legal repercussions. Those Washington fat-cat vampire slaves want to legislate away our constitutional right to tie a vampire to a wooden fence and beat it until it turns to ash. Meanwhile the vampires will probably soon have the right to marry each other, which is just sick, sick, sick people. Wake up America!

Defeating Vampires: The first thing you want to do whenever you're going to bag a vampire is lay down a tarp. Depending on the specific type of vampire they will either turn into ash, which is hard to get out of even Berber stain shield carpet, or they'll dissolve into a smoking puddle of goo which can eat through floorboards in an hour. Once I staked a vampire to a structural beam and when I came back the next morning half of the freaking building had collapsed in on itself. The act of slaying a vampire is pretty simple; either cut off their head or drive a wooden stick through their heart. Sunlight also works but unless you're Ra, you don't really have the power to shine the sun wherever you want.

I hope I have prepared you well for the journey into the den of evils that awaits you. Preparedness can go a long way but when you're facing down a cacodemon the only thing between you and digesting slowly in its belly are your weapons and skills. Hone that fighting edge and you might just stand a chance."