Evoland 2: A Sequel with a Marginally Shorter Subtitle

"After a few years, you'll probably only remember this as 'that game about stuff from other games.'"

That's a quote from my post about Evoland: A Short Story of Adventure Video Games Evolution. Yes, that's the full name of it. This is the one that took first place in the 2014 Ludum Dare competition. I blogged about it nearly two years ago, so I understand if you forgot. Hell, I typed the thing and it still managed to slip from my memory. Well, did you know a sequel, Evoland 2: A Slight Case of Spacetime Continuum Disorder (Yes, that's the full name of it), was released on Steam and gog.com back in August? Really? Shit, I wish you had told me! I didn't know that!

Thanks to the Steam winter sale event, I discovered its existence while speeding through my Explore Your Queue list. I bought it at half price, because it was during the winter sale (duh), but don't listen to anyone claiming this indie isn't worth its $20 price tag. Shiro Games significantly improved upon the original, providing roughly fifteen to twenty hours of varied entertainment, and that's if you're only focused upon reaching the end. I clocked in thirty-seven, but I also have a tendency to leave the game running while doing equally-unimportant things. Plus, I took the time to earn all the achievements.

Beat'em up mode with Ababa and his pirate crew.

As with the original, Evoland 2 periodically swaps out the mechanics of one genre with another. One of the reasons I bought this was to answer the same questions Paul had when I told him about it: "Didn't Evoland already give us an acceptable history lesson on various adventure titles? What more could the sequel provide?" In retrospect, it's a bit odd that neither of us thought about delving into other (non-adventure) genres, because that's exactly what E2 did. Seamlessly, too. For something that tackles (in no particular order) platformer, match-three, rhythm, shmup (horizontal and vertical), fighting, brawler, stealth, tactical rpg, action adventure, active time battles, tcg, and puzzles, one would think there'd be a loading screen once in a while. Not only that, but the damn thing is constantly auto-saving. When it isn't, reaching a save point will restore health and mana, and boss battles supply health, experience, and cash that carry over even if the player fails. Sounds like excessive hand-holding, but we're typing about an assortment of genres here. Someone might be a badass when it comes to handling a bullet hell, yet still has trouble timing his jumps across a series of temporary platforms. It's impressive for Shiro Games to take this into consideration, especially since parts of Evoland 2 are not half as easy as their simplified mechanics might lead you to believe. I had my ass kicked a few times for underestimating the situation.

With regard to story, something vaguely existed in the original. It's successor, however, took heavy inspiration from Chrono Trigger, which includes waking up at the start, a lot of time traveling, and an ending that leaves the player with several unanswered questions. There's a war going on between demons and humans in the past, which is being remembered with a 50th anniversary festival in the present, and your team includes a pair of women with particularly familiar characteristics. One is the obvious love interest with a headstrong and ill-mannered personality, plays the role of healer at certain points in the game, and also happens to be the daughter of a village leader. The other is an intelligent, rational lady who becomes the go-to for answers when things become weird, and she isn't afraid to close in on her enemies and bonk them on the head with a hammer the book she's carrying.

Didn't she use to wear a hat?

Might as well make the lawsuit from Square Enix a reality by having Kuro shoot bolts of lightning from his arse while a talking, armour-clad frog defends himself with a rainbow-coloured banjo. Then again, The Exogarth is no substitute for Lavos, and a racing segment is the one thing Trigger does include that Evoland 2 forgot about ...unless there is a racing portion in Evoland and I'm the one who forgot. Hmmm.... Anyhow, here's The Exogarth!

"Run for your virtual lives! It's a giant turd with wings!"

Outside of mechanics, anyone with even a shallow pool of entertainment knowledge to drink from will spot references overladen throughout the journey. It's not just game-related content, either.

As if anime doesn't reference DBZ enough, here's two more to add to that list.
The shield is fairly obvious, but you might not spot the "ACME" label on the barrel.

Here's a line of references the game referenced earlier now making a reference of its own. 

Reminds me of one of my neighbors.
yuk yuk yuk yuk yuk

Unintentionally, Evo2 even pays homage to the glory days of Barry Burton.

This shouldn't surprise anyone, since Shiro Games is an indie developer from France.
Still, I wish their lines were voice acted. That could have been amazing!

I experienced very few bugs in my playthrough. The game did freeze three times, but, as I mentioned, it autosaves so often that I lost nothing as a result. Other than that, I noticed a handful of amateur loose ends, like having a character refuse to follow you into a particular location only to do so right before the game assumes you're about to leave, triggering the character's return to your party. In some parts, the player is given a choice, but the alternative cutscene for completing an event can also be triggered depending upon where you go after finishing the first. And, of course, there's some clipping, because there's always clipping.

Oh, Kuro. You so craaazy. Now take that filthy barrel off your head!

I can't vouch for Evoland's replay value. None of its achievements are missable (That's a poor excuse to force anyone to start a new game anyhow!) and, for all that it does, there's nothing specific I would deem outstanding. Everything ranges from average (story; gameplay; boss battles) to above average (character development; humor; the soundtrack), and its scores reflect this. I do wish to highlight its encouragement towards reaching 100% completion. Not only does the Everything under the Sun-dar item aid the player in finding all the chests, dragon balls, and collectible cards (except for one in the mines, and, for that, just smash the wall directly in front of the entrance) throughout the world, it also rewards you with a slowly-rotating 3D model based upon that percentage.

Here's what I received the first time I completed the game.
I assure you, it's missing a few things.

A speed runner can complete the original Evoland in roughly 31 minutes at any %. Evoland 2's top runner so far does this in just under 5 hours. That's further reason to justify spending an Andrew Jackson, right? But if you want to be sensible and pick it up during a Steam sale, consider purchasing the soundtrack DLC along with it. There's 51 songs (1 hour and 42 minutes) of decent variety on that thing, including Castlevania, so I'm sure you'd find something to your liking. I figured there would need to be at least seven songs on that soundtrack to justify paying $6.99. You know, about $0.99 per tune. I enjoy thirty of them, with eleven being in my Top Rated playlist. That's seven bucks well spent.

Overall, I am quite satisfied with Evoland 2, and I hope to see more from Shiro Games in the near future.

What do think, Wedge?

Shuffle Scolding and the Badge Arcade

First, I would like to compound my agitation towards Pokemon Shuffle and its little bullshit quirks with a few fuck ton of words. Skip to the image below, if you rather not read it. 

Last time, through an update on my Shuffle post, I think I was bitching about how even the weakest of the bunch are nigh invincible without forking over the full cost of buffs provided, including the 2500 for the great ball effect to double up on catch percentage, because, even if you obtain an S ranking, many of these stages will reward your success with some grossly pathetic chance, like 18%, and that doesn't even amount to a friggin' coin flip's chance of catching the prick, despite how much you already paid out in assistance to get that ranking. This is ok, however, because if you willingly empty out the rest of your savings again to repeat the process, that will mathematically earn you slightly better odds the next time. How, then, could I have more to whine about, and why would I still be bothering with such a game if whining is what comes out of playing it? Fair questions.

Ok, so I only bother with Shuffle on my old 3DS. Some of the buttons don't work, the newest titles won't play at all, and its only real purpose for functioning now is to feed my New 3DS XL StreetPass support. Recently, I discovered a new, somewhat handy, reason to keep it by my side, but I'll get to that later in the post. Pokemon Shuffle is something I can play on my old 3DS (i.e. I don't need all the buttons to work.) It provides somewhat better gameplay when compared to similar, candy-related apps, and I am a sucker for match-3 games, unfortunately. Always have been.

Shuffle is probably going to be the only way I will ever catch'em all in a single Pokemon game. I know I can't do that with the main titles, especially after I was told of the Mew giveaway five days AFTER that had ended. Celebi starts now, but, again, if I go out to Gamestop for the rest, I will still be missing him, and there's a good chance I will miss out on another, because driving to Gamestop for each of these events during the anniversary is more trouble than it's worth. Costly, too. The whole thing is just to get me in there to buy shit, and I know I would. Best to avoid the temptation. Moving back to the freemium, a play session is about ten minutes at most. It's something to do while I stand in the kitchen and wait for water to boil, the microwave timer to end, or the oven to preheat. It's an alternative to sitting in the break room for fifteen minutes and watching soaps on the television while I chug tap water. I know a real handheld video game could kill that time, too, but Shuffle provides so many stopping points. That's convenient. Plus, Meowth is still available for milk money. Thanks to him, I can level up my team, fill my coffers, and successfully complete all the special events featured each week. I'd be lying if I typed that it didn't feel good to win every mega stone and capture every legendary that strolls on in to hang out. Sometimes, I think Shuffle deserves money. It does offer free plays, and new stuff is always being added to it. Then, I notice yet another crippling aspect being inserted into its gameplay. 

So, you've maxed out your team, yet their combined power doesn't drop an opponent fast enough for a reasonable chance at capture. Hell, you're lucky if you even manage to win before the stage ends. For a short time, one strategy would be to add the same garbagemon to your team that the stage produces as a disruption, because that means both of you would be filling the stage with them, and that influx would greatly increase chained matches to help rack up damage. It likely wouldn't be super effective shots, but lots of chip damage will still add up and help clear away the clutter for matching the rest of the team. Shuffle decided to counter this by including another garbagemon whenever the first one is chosen to tackle the stage. By doing this, the board is now filling up with two ineffective creatures, and you just wasted a heart as a result. The Pokemon Company was quick to quash that idea. There's still the preferred strategy of support through payment buffs, right? Yeah, and guess what they've recently done with that. Let's say you have trouble with an asshole's disruption pattern. You know if you stall that, there's a good chance to inflict enough damage to terribly wound, if not outright defeat, your opponent. One doesn't need ALL of the buffs, so you decide to only pay out the 1500 for a disruption delay. What?! The game can't have you spending your coins on just some of the items. You're suppose to buy all of them for every stage, and to help reinforce that demand, delaying a Pokemon will now cause it to become more dangerous once the effect wears off. What might have taken two or three turns will now occur every. fucking. turn. Good thing that bloated health bar ensured survival until the delay wore off, right? Lastly, I noticed Pokemon you may have caught during special events are also a part of the main stages. If you were dumb enough, like me, to believe capturing them with limited time was a good reason to spend your coins, then prepare your metaphorical anus for a second pounding. The guy is just as difficult, meaning you'll most likely have to spend your coins again to progress further, and even if you pay out for all the assistance, there's still a strong chance you won't earn the S ranking needed to help unlock expert stages with the Pokemon one isn't able to catch otherwise. Guess I'll put my money elsewhere.

I think what will be the breaking point for this is when someone finally decides, "We need to make it impossible for players to grind Meowth for coins, or, at least, reduce his health bar so that he commonly falls before anyone can set up a 4- or 5-match with the coins for it to really pay off." It'll happen, and I won't care. I still haven't paid a cent for playing the game, and I've done a pretty good job of clearing stages and leveling strong teams despite that. I wouldn't recommend anyone wishing to start now. If you didn't get in on the ground floor, and you think you can enjoy this without paying, then it's going to be more trouble than it's worth. The Marvel Puzzle Quest is the same way. Actually, MPQ is worse, because a newcomer is not only going to struggle with weekly events, but there's also the scummy inclusion of comic book barriers halting character growth. A shame that pack of covers you bought didn't include the ones you needed. Perhaps if you give up more of your money.... Sure, Pokemon Shuffle is shit, but it's still a slightly higher grade of shit, and it's that distinction I'm using to segue into the main topic of this post, because I think it's kinda related. Maybe? Meh. You be the judge.

"Check out the Nintendo Badge Arcade, a fun-filled, free-to-start, crane machine game."

Right from the get-go, we have Nintendo directly entering the P2P market with a bit of subtle honesty, or, perhaps, it isn't entirely, because sometimes it is free. Either way, this isn't how other developers introduce themselves on the matter. This isn't really how business in general operates anymore.

Nintendo Badge Arcade is a virtual building run by a pink hare with no English name more creative than Arcade Bunny. It's Baito in Japan, I believe. (Sounds more like a suitable name for a wolf, but whatever.) Arcade Bunny introduces the sucker player to a collection of crane games offering you the chance to decorate the home menu of your Nintendo 3DS handheld. Some use a traditional claw to grab at the prizes, while others utilize either a hammer or even drop a bomb, but all of them run on money. Wanna know what kind of stupid, fictional currency it is this time? Gems? Stars? Carrots?

Real money? Ha! You're not gonna fool people with that sort of nonsense, Nintendo.

Yes, this particular P2P is upfront about everything. It's fairly generous, and it never tries to convince you of how important it is keep spending money, opting, instead, to respond with, "No worries! That's cool." Visiting each day can randomly provide free plays either at the start of a new day's introduction or through the practice catcher:

As is stated by the image, this thing is playable once a day, the brown badge look-alikes are not for you to keep, and it actually recreates one of the active games currently available, so it's practice for not only using the claw itself, but also practice for how to best approach the machine it is imitating. Every time one manages to store ten fake badges, they earn a free play. Alternatively, those badges might flip over to reveal free plays of their own: blue = 1 & red = 3. Adding to that, if you're lucky enough to clear out all the practice badges before using up your five practice turns, it'll refill and you can keep going. I was expecting it to end. Who wouldn't nowadays? More surprisingly, guess what happens if you fail miserably and come up with nothing after those five attempts? Sucks for yo... the rabbit lets you have five more chances. A do-over. He actually gives the player a fucking do-over! How is that not amazing?! Since I have this on both of my handhelds, I test the waters on the old one first, so that it provides additional practice (in addition to the practice and other practice this practice machine provides) for when I play it on my New 3DS. See, that's another reason to keep my original with me at all times. More practice! The most I've ever accumulated in one day is five free plays, which is not common. Usually, you'll score one, if any. Still, it's free, and what fake badges you have left after cashing in each divisible of ten is carried over to the next day.

Everything other than the menu icons are badges, including Bowser's fireball.
(...because you may just want a menu of fireballs.)

The real cost to play is five chances for a buck. What are you trying to buy with that buck? Badges that allow one to decorate his 3DS in all sorts of ways, with some being able to replace the standard icons used to launch music, photos, settings, the Mii Plaza, and those other ones I forget about. Walking progress or something. Some themes are available to go with the badges, but, as the bunny says, they're not necessary. Rather than the more elaborate options sold individually at the theme store itself, these blank counterparts are given as gifts to those who spend $2 or more on the cranes during specific time periods. The in-game theme shop will alert you to one of these periods on the top of it's entrance, as will the rabbit on the bottom screen. A theme in the main shop is $1.99 anyhow, so spending two bucks for ten plays AND a badge theme is not a bad deal at all. I particularly favor the SMB Underwater look, even though I didn't bother aiming for the appropriate underwater Mario badges to go along with it.

Fill it however you want.

The bulk of collectibles are not that challenging to get. Hell, a few will fall into the pit and add themselves to your collection before you even begin. Because it's Nintendo, there's tons of these things a person like me would want. I sometimes compare them to Amiibos, except I can actually get these without the aid of a scalper. Of course, one could argue how much nicer it is to own a tangible, decorative piece to show off in your home, studio, ...wherever, but I could argue that the ones I want most are now overpriced thanks to the initial supply shortage, and I really don't have the space to make room for a whole bunch of plastic (and yarn) models. I also don't like having doll-like things around me. They creep me out. Then there's this:

It might mean nothing right now, yet those badges might serve another function later on, similar to the Amiibos. It's a neat thing to ponder.

What effectively sells this distraction, in addition to its straightforward and guilt-free approach, is Arcade Bunny himself. There's a lot of personality in the little fellow. Probably far more than in practically every other Nintendo character. Hey, I love Mario and Link, but neither says much, and their actions are usually straightforward. This guy is a chatterbox, and a good one at that!

Each time a new event takes place, the visitor is greeted immediately with a smile, a wave, and then about five to ten minutes of talk. He usually tosses out a free play afterwards, so think of it as either a "thank you" for listening, or as an apology for the wait. I've actually chuckled a few times. A few. It's not easy to make me laugh, though I do appreciate the effort... except when some unoriginal shithead responds with, "That's what she said!" Yuk yuk yuk.... sigh. I'm always expecting a standard (boring) reaction, if not a negative one, from others. When, instead, I'm told something along the lines of, "Hey, you don't have to pay squat while you're here! Come in, check for a free play, and leave if you want. I just like having someone to talk to," it's refreshing. At this moment, there's a celebration going on that includes two free plays for seven straight days. I play this on both of my handhelds, and Arcade Bunny has responded differently to each one. I intentionally do this when presented with dialogue choices, as well, but, here, he thanked me on my New 3DS for occasionally spending money, even if it was always towards the ten plays + theme bundles, then complimented me on my old 3DS for wisely remaining thrifty by relying solely upon the free plays. It's little details like that I associate most often with Nintendo. Even with something like this. Even with something built around the most unlikable genre of video games. 

If an upbeat lagomorph with a silver tongue isn't enough, there's also the gallery. Take the badges you've collected, make yourself a neat little something-or-other out of your Home Menu, then upload its image to Nintendo. They know you are not likely to dart around, whipping out your 3DS to others in public, so here's the alternative. I would have figured it to be just a board of pictures. "Look! I'm on the wall this month! Yay!" Again, Nintendo puts in the effort to have Arcade Bunny uniquely comment on each one and has him thank the sender by name. It might not seem like much to you, but I always associate Nintendo's need to feature stuff like this as a continuation of its stance on maintaining positive connectivity with the community, as it once did with family in mind.

For one's own curiosity, Badge Arcade does provide the player with a way to keep track of how many badges they've earned so far. I think this would have been odd if it wasn't included.

Then you find out it's just a series of bunny statues holding your collection book.
It's the thought that counts, I suppose... a diabolical thought!

I'm only compelled to blog about the badge arcade, because I don't think it deserves to be lumped together with the underhanded, money-grubbing lot that more closely relates to this sort of entertainment (Dungeon Keeper and All the Bravest, for example) just because it's P2P. Nintendo's doing what we all knew was eventually going to happen. I just wasn't expecting it to be this. Rather than paying to "win" at a specific game, Nintendo provides another opportunity for expression through customization, a thing Nintendo has been doing since... when?

Perhaps in 1995 with the whole "Play It Loud!" Game Boy campaign?

I originally believed Pokemon Shuffle was Nintendo's doing, and I was pretty agitated by it. Then, I corrected myself with an update and apologized. I still thought that was how Nintendo was going to eventually introduce itself to the P2P market. DLC for a quality title is one thing, but how could something that thrives solely upon charging the player for every little action they take be of any value? Well, I think Nintendo Badge Arcade shows potential, and I simply want to express my appreciation for the effort they put into crafting it. No guilt. No deception. No crushing defeats at the fins of an overpowering whale. I seriously expected MUCH worse. Still, many have already labeled Nintendo Badge Arcade as such with the lackluster reasoning: "It's aiming for your money through your children! Don't be fooled by its cute mascot!" Look, I know some parents are still not hip to the advanced technology of a 3DS, but Parental Controls on the thing are about as simple as they can be, and, as long as a person isn't stupid enough to share the PIN# with his/her kids, there shouldn't be any problems. I don't store money on my account, nor do I store my card information, and I don't even have kids! Years ago, I posted about how one's son or daughter could get around the restrictions of buying mature titles at a brick and mortar store. That's still true. Here, though, all you gotta do is NOT tell them the four digits to that PIN and don't make the answer to your secret question an obvious one. Standard precautions. That's it! Even if they get their hands on a eShop card behind your back, they still need that access to use it.

If customization isn't your thing, then tell people that. I've actually paid a little bit towards this in hopes of encouraging Nintendo to keep up with its level of quality. I'm not hooked on badges and themes. They're neat, and I am curious as to how they might be used later on, possibly with the NX, but I can live without them. I'm paying towards promoting this degree of character development, as is present with the antics of the game's mascot, and towards Nintendo's honest business practices.

 Don't compare Nintendo to EA, people. It deserves better than that.
Wait. Let me clarify. For right now, it deserves better than that. 

Like almost everyone else, I rather P2P and DLC didn't exist at all in the gaming industry, but Badge Arcade is a fair, realistic compromise. Let's give it credit for that.

Keep doing your thing, Nintendo.

Quit pissing me off, Shuffle.

Four in February: Open World Destruction

I never did much in GTA III. I don't think I even bothered with missions. All I ever focused upon was trying to increase my threat level as much as I could before losing. A shallow way to appreciate one of the most influential titles of the gaming industry, to be sure, but, in an effort to rectify that mistake, I decided to go and play GTA III properly an 8-bit indie title inspired by it.

Retro City Rampage DX is little more than a collection of nostalgic bits lovingly crammed together in the pixel city of Theftropolis, where nobody locks their car door. Your name is The Player. You enjoy senseless violence, reckless driving, wreckful driving, weapons of all kinds, and iced tea... a lot. While working for a crime syndicate, you steal a phone booth, fly into the future, and, well, go back to doing what you do. It's totally optional to care enough to help Doc get his klunker running again, though your future self will provide a compelling argument in his favor.

Collecting parts for Doc Choc involves tackling throwbacks to numerous games, while the arcade challenges are basically killing sprees using a particular weapon. Playing through the story will unlock additional references, weapons, challenges, and alternative characters.

Sweat Bomber and Bates take after the Splosion Man titles.

It's not really a pretty game, and it doesn't take long to notice how saturated RCRDX truly is with references. The action and dialogue reminds me of the Junkions, constantly stringing together famous one-liners and transitioning from one parody to the next while providing little to no genuinely original content. Still, I think RCRDX does a swell job of making all of this they're own. It's not half-assing anything here, and the occasional jump in difficulty is far from problematic. Most play a game like this to indulge in their past, and that past has a reputation for being what we now call "Nintendo Hard." Granted, it never reaches that extreme point, though I had my moments where I believed otherwise.

Screenshots like this one initially caused me to hesitate on the purchase.

If you're my age, older, or simply interested in what is arguably the best generation of the industry, then there's really no reason to miss out on this. Yeah, you'll groan at the excessive amount of cheese. Just click through it quickly and enjoy the action, because there's plenty, and it changes enough to keep things fresh. I especially loved revisiting Smash TV, a run and gun that portrays a fairly accurate depiction of the future.

In 1999, toasters and VCRs become the globally-accepted forms of currency,
while television is a strong, thriving medium.

There's twenty achievements (I like having achievements for games like this one), customization for The Player's appearance, display filters to recreate the experience of playing on twenty or so different consoles/handhelds, an arcade of mini-games to unlock characters for free roaming mode, and a fantastic soundtrack of chip music by the talented trio of Freaky DNA, Norrin Radd, and Jake "virt" Kaufman. My favorite tracks include Half Steppin', Nordic Night, Betting Zoo, and Beach Ninjas, but one of the radio stations in-game also provides virt's album FX3, which is free to download. The actual soundtrack itself isn't expensive, either. It's sold as a digital album for under $6 (in U.S. dollars, that is).

Retro City Rampage DX is a mere $10, typically sells for half that during Steam sales, and shows up periodically in Humble Bundles. It has received positive reviews from nearly every reputable game critic, in addition to the scumbag source you're reading now, and provides enjoyment suitable for short and long sessions of play. My only gripe is with its game cards and badges on Steam.

  Just look at this shit!

Fifteen for each one of those six hideous portraits. Fifteen! Did there really need to be two sleeping and two plumber cards? The big head mode emoticons and near-empty profile backgrounds that randomly come with those badges are just as pitiful. If one wishes to show their love for this indie, I highly recommend fan art, instead. Don't let this discourage you from the actual game though.

And with that, my Four in February for the year is complete. Quickly, too. I had enough time to squeeze in a fifth title, Goat Simulator, because I was told to play it.

Goat Simulator is another open world title with little more than a handful of goals to provide the player with any sort of direction. Completing it is really just a matter of actually earning all of its achievements. Doing so will allow you to explore everything Coffee Stain Studios has to offer. There's 106 achievements spanning across all of the DLC, with two-thirds of it attainable through the original and its MMO counterpart. The only one I didn't bother with between the two of them? Flappy Goat, because even I don't hate myself that much.

I guess that constitutes as finishing a fifth game, doesn't it? By the way, Goat Simulator's senseless destruction shtick loses its charm pretty quickly, so I only suggest adding it to your library if you're willing to put in the same effort for those achievements as I did (except for scoring ten points in Flappy Goat). Silly music. Great humor. Lots of goats. It's the total package. Give it a go, why not?

Microwave Goat is best goat.
(and most evil construct)

Four in February: House Hunting

Two awful posts in one day? What sorcery is this?!

Perhaps you've heard about Gone Home. It's a story game, so you barely do anything, except awkwardly move around, because your legs fell asleep during the trip, and now it's up to the player to help this bitch wobble her ass to the nearest bedroom to lie down. Unfortunately, someone has meticulously locked doors in such a way that you must uncover secret passages, snoop through everyone else's "persnal bitness", summon an evil spirit who once owned a candy shop, and listen to music largely forgotten with the turn of the century, in order to reach the best mattress in the house. Why the best? Because you're an entitled piece of shit, just like everyone else.

The painted family portrait. A staple in every privileged household.
(I think my family just used enlarged Polaroid pictures)

This game asks the hard questions, like "Who shot JFK?" Then answers with, "Nobody! Dun dun DUUUUUUUUUN! Conspiracy!" Seriously though, I'm not sure. Kaitlin doesn't know how to open a book and, instead, merely spins it around in midair to read the front and back covers. This is an interesting and historically accurate detail for 1995. It became such a problem that an educational film was produced the very next year to address the issue.

We are forever in your debt, Jon Lovitz.

After three hours of breaking into my sister's locker, staring at mom's underwear, getting stuck in partially opened doors, and watching a rerun of Hangin' with Mr. Cooper, I passed the time by taping over Sam's music collection with recordings of my own farts and the giggling I made while doing so. That's a thing girls do, right? Maybe not anymore, but back then! Oh man! That was... that was... that was the trend. The thing to do. Yep. Ahem. Then, I went to sleep. In the morning, my parents came home and demanded to know why all the lights were on in the house. I told them the trip was fine, sarcastically thanked them for asking, and mentioned how Sam ran away with another girl. There are two endings at this point. This is dependant upon whether you choose to have Kaitlin go back to sleep or get up and make herself something for breakfast. Either way, the player gets to listen in on the parents' phone call to the police about Sam's disappearance during the credits. Since this all occurred in Oregon, all the police had to do was stand outside the ONLY building in the state that sells gas until she pulled up to refuel her Tin Lizzie, or whatever people drove back then. After three weeks of electroshock therapy, Sam was attracted to boys again (and iron). She also learned Thunder Wave and began flying with the help of a levitating manhole cover. 

I highly recommend High School High, Hangin' with Mr. Cooper, and breakfast. If I could remember what I was typing about for this post, I might recommend that, too... especially if I was typing about pugs. I love pugs.

Four in February: The Octopug Parable

I finished my Four in February. Six, if you count this and that. Hopefully, I'll bring myself to type about all of them, and then some, before the end of this month. Four games and four posts before March is the goal, after all. I expect a strong dip in quality from the other entries, but it's not as if I was producing anything of value to begin with, so, lettuce get on with this garbage, shall we?

The Stanley Parable is a Source engine mod by Davey Wreden that was enhanced and added upon to become a standalone purchase on Steam for $15. The entire thing revolves around your choices and how the narrator (British actor Kevan Brighting) responds to them. Also, there's a big ol' basket of Easter eggs (some with Disco music). It can be "beaten" in roughly six minutes, except when Stanley respawns in a different location, then there's the achievement for finishing the game in under 4 minutes and 22 seconds. There are eighteen endings, along with a bonus ending that's really just another Easter egg. For the most part, how one plays doesn't change from person to person. You could get the full experience from watching these two? videos. I would be grateful, however, if you did not. Whether at full price, a Humble Bundle, or through a sale, this intelligent and humourous work of art deserves to be monetarily praised, supported, and encouraged. This is why I am keeping the post brief. It's such a simple story with simple choices that it wouldn't take much to ruin a secret or ending with even a single picture. At best, I'd just show you the same title screen image of a computer or perhaps the room with two doors, and, since everyone else has already done that, there's no reason to add another to Google's image search. Just go and enjoy it.

Ok, so I added this image anyhow, because Sir Barnes the Noble likes pictures. It spoils nothing.

Following that joy was Octodad: Dadliest Catch, a sequel that carries on with controlling a cephalopod out of water who is pretending to be a human being. It's as difficult as it sounds, even with simple chores, like pouring a drink...

...or mowing the lawn.

For the first half of this game, challenges are made out of everyday tasks. It's charming. Comical, even. This is especially obvious with things like bananas peels, water puddles, and other pointless hazards just lying around in unusual places.

Because no wedding chapel is complete without children's drawings and DK decorum.

Then all of that joy turns into frustration as the difficulty spikes in certain parts. As a whole, Octodad isn't too much of a pain, and I haven't noticed a specific area where everyone suffers, though I endured quite a bit at the arcade.

Yeah, fuck these games.

Since the original, character design has improved considerably. The simple, cartoony look is appropriate, though Octodad's wife, Scarlet, gives off a Jimmy Newtron vibe. 

Maybe it's just me.

Their children certainly take after their mother... perhaps too much. You know, I'm not even sure if Octodad is their real father. Again, maybe it's just me.

I was expecting a longer game. Even with my troubles, it only took five hours to complete. I suppose I could go back and try for a few of the achievements, but I really don't want to go through that mess again.

The theme isn't half bad (isn't half good, either), and this goes for all versions of it. With exception to the Captain's Jig and The Backyard, I'm only glad I bought this during the winter sale. I should have listened to the full soundtrack on Youtube before making the purchase, but, again, it wasn't a total waste, and I didn't pay at full. Besides, I can rationalize it out as further supporting creativity in the industry. The development team of Young Horses deserves it.

This was suppose to be the final of my Four in February for 2016. It wasn't expensive, and I love pugs (and every other breed of dog). Yes, a speedy pug would have been a fantastic way to finish up this challenge. That price tag should have clued me in on what to expect, yet it didn't.

Turbo Pug is just a simplified endless runner. Adorable, well-made, and priced right with only two flaws that I feel it possesses: changes in the background might make it difficult to spot the spinning blades of death whose existence, along with that of the floating boxes and bloodied spikes, go without explanation (because why should we give a fuck?) and a lack of depth. For what little music there is, it's fine. If that's a priority for your endless runners, go play BIT.TRIP RUNNER. Great music there! Better gameplay, too. Sorely lacking in pugs though.

As one continues to rush his wrinkly waddler through an obstacle course, pug points will accumulate in the top left corner. Along with the potential for hi-score bragging rights, you'll also unlock additional pugs to choose from in the character select menu.

Impressive, but their diversity pales in comparison to that of goats, as proven by Coffee Stain Studios.

I think a sequel to Turbo Pug is in the works. If so, I hope it provides a more fulfilling experience, or, at least, allows my pug to run left. Unfortunately, because Turbo Pug is endless, it's not actually something a player can beat, so I had to look for another game to finish before the end of February. No problem there.

Bagu was error. Error was not.

So, what's your favorite Zelda title?

"Mine's chocolate!"

Well, aside from chocolate, I'm sure most will respond with A Link to the Past, Ocarina of Time, or the original (with a handful naming Majora's Mask, because that's the unsettling and creepy one). As for myself, it's the "black sheep" of the bunch: Zelda II: The Adventure of Link. I can't really pinpoint a sound reason. It's just the one in the franchise that left the strongest impact upon my decrepifying memory.

I love the larger sprites. It's an expectation for a sequel to outshine it's predecessor, and, visually, Zelda II did that with ease. As was the case with the first game, bosses here are bigger, but not by much, and one is just a late game mook with an amazing ride.

At the stroke of its mane,
It will cause you some pain
And if Link ends up slain
His blood will resurrect Gannon.

Unlike the original, however, where enemies were crammed into the space of a single square, the rest of the opposition comes in a variety of sizes with the smaller ones consistently proving themselves to be more obnoxious:

Many indulge in playing the role of "Asshole who knocks you into a pit of instant death!"

Sprite detail also comes in the form of genuine motion during side-scrolling gameplay. (Yes, this one is a side-scroller most of the time. Yes, so are the first two CD-i Zelda titles. Yes, they are bad games.... Ahem, you know what? The third one plays like the original. Go enjoy that travesty and try convincing me the top-down perspective matters!) Link's arms and legs move, mostly because he actually has them, and not only do they help Link to swing his sword (because he has no other weapons in this game), but they also allow him to crouch and jump. Yes, oddly enough, at some point between saving this Zelda and the previous one, Link realized he could momentarily fight gravity whenever he wanted. No items, ledges, or Z-targeting necessary. It's a shame he never got around to teaching the skill to anyone else in Hyrule, because I don't think we bear witness to Link performing this phenomenon again until his appearance in Super Smash Bros..

As I mentioned above, none of the tools returning from the first game will actually help Link during combat. Instead, he must search each town for a wise, old man who is willing to teach our hero magic that will allow him to jump higher, minimize damage, fly (gender bending included, which means we've had our female Link all along!), shoot fireballs, heal, reflect attacks, ...spell, and even weaken a boss whose name is actually a hint on how to defeat it. That would have saved me a lot of time and grief had Nintendo been kind enough to provide the same sort of hint against Stabface, boss of the first palace and hipster brony who clopped to MLP porn before it was cool.

"I don't clop! I have hands!"
(duly noted)

Equally powerful, if not moreso, are a pair of stabbing techniques taught to Link by Hyrulean knights. Once Link has acquired both, he will just tear through most enemies, including melee opponents on Smash Bros.. Down thrust is such a convenient meteor strike. Still, I can't help but ponder why it requires two knights for Link to learn these attacks. How is it possible that neither was successful in mastering the other's skill?

There's also a third knight who shows you how to summon a bridge.
Then, he tells you a story about it!
#BestZeldaEver

The Adventure of Link also introduced 1-up dolls hidden throughout Hyrule. They resemble Link and each can only be obtained once within the same quest.

Ok, I admit it. The dolls are dumb, but this is the only game where Link has lives. Just don't bother grabbing them until you're ready to venture into the final palace. 

Unlike younger iterations of the Zelda series, The Adventure of Link is a rewarding challenge, provided you remember about the hammer's other use. The game will most definitely kick your ass, nab your wallet, and call your waifu "trash." I wouldn't label it as Nintendo Hard, though it comes awfully close. I think it's fair to type that those deaths, the Game Over screen, and that fucking Mike Tyson's Punch-Out!! laugh are all your fault. This is thanks, in no small part, to Link's ability to dodge and, eventually, bounce over troublesome enemies. On top of that, the final boss can be easily defeated by crouching in the left corner of the room and stabbing at his legs. It's not a glitch, either. You'll discover that Link fares better against an approaching enemy in this game, and, well, you're not the one doing the approaching with this strategy. Winner!

The soundtrack for Zelda II is my favorite for two reasons: Simple chiptune tracks are more memorable by design, and, while this also applies to the original, the sequel benefits from having a larger tracklist, despite a few cuts made to the NES version. Basically, it's better because there's more wonderful Zelda music to enjoy. What I find somewhat odd is how I can't type this about Zelda III: A Link to the Past. Oh, I most definitely played the shit out of that game, and there are a few tracks I love hearing. A few. It's not that I don't enjoy the rest of its music. I just can't remember unless I am currently listening to the soundtrack. Hang around while I clean or work, and you'll probably catch me humming either a palace theme, or that of the village (outdoors version). Never has a Zelda game managed to stir a desire in me to fight quite as much as that palace theme. I love that tune!

I was looking over the virtual console on my 3DS and noticed it was available for five bucks. I own a gold cartridge, and I do have a functioning console to play it on, but this is Zelda on the go. What's not to love? With that same logic, I also bought Oracle of Seasons. I would have bought a few other Zelda games, but I really wanted River City Ransom and Kid Icarus at the time, so I spent my money on them. Still haven't played either, so why did I buy those?

It ain't no trick to get rich quick.

Soon, The Nintendo 3DS will release (Man, how long ago did I start this entry? October?) recently added Heist, the next installment of the Steamworld series, to the eShop, following the success of Steamworld Dig: A Fistful of Dirt, which followed the lukewarm reception of Steamworld Tower Defense. If that reads as a somewhat odd collection of games to refer to as franchise, remember that the first three "Mario" titles had him working with cement, explosives, and handling pest control in the sewers.

After a second playthrough of Dig, I went ahead and bought Steamworld Tower Defense. It is not an easy game, nor is it a fun game, but I'll... I'll... get bored enough to play it again at some point. Maybe. 

They've also developed a mobile app about ants, but my phone don't do dem things, so my rare craving of formica fun will just have to be satiated with another session of SimAnt.

Check for spiders.

I love the variety Image & Form are working with in this series, though I wouldn't be surprised if their next project was a sequel to Steamworld Dig. It's an underappreciated platformer that clearly improves upon its inspirational title, Motherload, with a main character who is already game hopping with playable appearances in Runbow and the upcoming Hex Heroes. A sequel seems like a natural step in the southern direction to me.

Dig revolves around the new face in town (doesn't it always), Rusty "Dig Them" Taizotron the Terrarian, as he picks his way through rocks, explosives, cooling fans, more rocks, moonshiners, vases, grass blocks, boogers, Electric types, and China to unearth the secrets left by Uncle Joe at his mining operation in Tumblrton, a dusty hub of three who purchase your buried treasures, provide items and upgrades, and frequently repost dank memes. I think one of them is meant to be a reference, considering the Metroidvania setup, but that may just be coincidental.

"Hey, baby! How 'bout I beat this game in under an hour and you show me what's under that suit afterwards?" 

"What if I whisper Justin Bailey into your audio receptor?"

Gameplay is basically a digging puzzle that won't horribly punish players for how they wish to explore, though you might have to blow yourself up and temporarily lose your spoils if you're not careful. They can be retrieved, and there's plenty more where that came from. Believe me, it's not a big deal. Still, you'll probably want to create a path that makes it possible to return to the surface, because you can't dig while in midair, and there's a 100-item world limit for ladders, lamps, and teleporters, unless you screw with the coding a little. Other than that, there's no single correct path to choose. 

Except down. Always try to go down.

There are various caves to visit that may help to progress the story, providing Mega Man X enhancements, such as a one-handed Hadoken and a drill that will pierce the heavens. Others are just additional areas offering a break from the main objective to earn better-than-average loot through bits of specific platforming and digging patterns. It's like those detours from Diablo 2, except for the platforming, the digging patterns (or any form of problem solving), and the better-than-average loot, because that's usually just a shiny treasure chest filled with disappointment and gold pieces possessing an inflation rate that rivaled the Zimbabwean dollar.

"So, what can I get for a thousand pieces of gold?"

 "How about a hundred pieces of gold?"

"DEAL!"

Once your slots are filled and the light source is nearly depleted, it's best to have Rusty return to the surface where he can recharge and have his junk exchanged for hot, sweaty cash. Most of the time, that's it! The whole thing is simple: in and out every five or ten minutes. Wanna risk being left in the dark, because you believe you can pocket one more gem without tunneling into trouble? Sure, go for it! Enjoyment can be had in short bursts or through long sessions, and it's possible to finish the whole thing in under three hours an hour thirty minutes.

The music is lame. Appropriate for the setting, but nothing really stands out. Rusty's Overture is the only track of any merit, and even it just sounds like a generic western song. I'm going to assume my opinion here is the most popular one, too, because you can buy the entire soundtrack for only $0.99 on Steam. You still have to own the game to get it, but there shouldn't be any regret making in that purchase.

Once you're done with Dig, I recommend further supporting Image & Form through Steamworld Heist. It provides numerous weapons, music by Steam Powered Giraffe, collectible hats, and boss-es. Plural. Minor Dig spoiler there. 

If you're searching for a short title to add to your Four in February challenge, look no further than Gone Home! Dig's good, too, but Gone Home is super quick. I mean, you can knock that shit right out, and it'll be three to go! Boom!

Anyway, there was a bit of a slow start with SW Tower Defense, but with the modest success of Dig and the strong praise for Heist, it looks like this franchise is really starting to pick up some, ahem, steam? ...Ha. Ha?

CAN. YOU. DIG... up something more creative to end this embarrassment?
Also, did anyone not expect a reference to this scene in The Warriors?!

I'm so disappointed in me right now, Jerod. Just had to fucked it all up again. Sometimes, I don't even know why I am you.